Old friend wants to be 'involved' with me and my children. I am cacking it.

[NationalFlight]

That's not how it should be, is it?

I've known this guy for 20 years. He's lovely and he's single and he's never had kids or been married.

He always says how much I mean to him, and I find him great too but it's not in that 'can't live without you' kind of way. More of a 'I probably could live with you' iygwim.

However - he loves my children, is brill with them, very kind, very nice - tall, handsome, you know. I like him, a lot, but after a visit last month and a few longish phone calls, he's texted me tonight saying he wants us to do it properly, share child care, 'get me off benefits' and so on.

I'm actually terrified. I'd got used to things as they are, yes I'm on benefits but I am happy and my children are happy.

I love the idea of him living nearby and being more involved with them, but jumping into the breach with this bloke when we've never lived together is looking stupidly rash.

He's suggesting it in 6-8 months. I also would love another baby and I believe that could be on the cards, if I agreed - but it's just so frightening.

I've been in love and this is not it. I know that. But shoudl I give him a chance. My kids would do well to have someone else they could rely on, a father figure etc.

Please calm me down and tell me what to do.

Yes raven exactly...i don't want to be a project for him to feel good about either.

He recently has been saying he couldn't earn enough to support us, so I left it and didn't comment...but then we were talking and the idea of me working while he did childcare was an option. Although I have no qualifications!!

He also is afraid of losing the freedom to live like he does now (low paid job, paints all night)

I'm still not certain he would be remotely compatible with family life. That's where I start to get the quivers about it. I don't have time for another child, another human depending on me for anything, but am not at all certain he could cope/ pull his weight here, so I'd resent him wanting anything from me without full commitment to the children iyswim. Then I wonder if that's me being way too demanding.

I was thinking along similar lines to Dittany too. And you might fall in love with him, sure. But after 20 years? It's pretty unlikely I think. It depends what you want obviously. I'm an old single bird and I'm not prepared to settle for liking. I want love. I think relationships are hard work and if you don't love one another, it must be very hard to ride through those inevitable ups and downs. But I'm surely projecting my own perspective as is everyone else.

I think you need to ask yourself some questions around the future. Can you imagine yourself in years to come as a couple? What about having sex with him? How will you feel if the man of your dreams walks in and asks you to run away with him?

Not exactly, nicky - he's stopped mostly in the last few years. I think he's narrowed it down a lot. He has plenty of female friends but isn't in love with most of them (maybe one or two!) - plus me having kids makes him want to rescue me, he said - actually that is a bit dodgy. He said he wants to go back in time and rescue his mum, probably (he does have some insight!)

The trouble is once he has finished being a knight would there be anything left

In other words apart from rescuing you from your from your damsel in distress status, what else can he offer you.

What do you talk about?
What interests have you in common?
Do your kids want a dad figure in the house all the time?

Because if you are not sexually attracted to him or in love with him once you are no longer a damsel in distress what will your relationship have/be based on

I hope that makes sense

Yep, again I agree with Reality.
This is sounding like a bad idea tbh.
You don't need rescued.

Dits I know - that's the problem,, it's a game of two halves.

I have never worked out whether it could work or not.

I'll tread carefully. There could be a lot of anger in there with all this martyrish stuff towards women. He's way too careful not to ask for anything, and that always makes me suspicious in a bloke - like, what is he wanting/getting from me, then? In return for all the cake?

Nickytwotimes makes a v good point about not recognising a nice one when they come along if you're used to rotters.

Jmo but although you've known each other for 20 years it's too soon to move into together and dive into a relationship, let alone make babies!

How about taking the pressure off and just doing no strings dating for 3 months and see how it goes? - No expectations - just for fun so you can both test the water. You can say you are uncertain (given personal history) and to emotionally protect the dcs from getting too attached too early.

Yes you ae right, Yurt and Reality and others. I think friends would probably be fine - after all it's been fine thus far.

I think he would be a pleasant person to have nearby, but maybe not in the house.

It's a big risk with the children, disruption etc and if it didn't work, back to square one with the benefits isn't an enticing prospect either!

Thankyou

feel calmer now (but big boy is asleep on sofa ) he's 6 tomorrow.

Sorry, thread moved on quicker than I could type.

Ignore my past-its-sell-by-date comment.

i have to say I disagree dittany.

leaving cake is always a very, very, very good thing.
fridge IS a bit weird

(i feel there I ought to be able to make some quip about the fanjo cake, but can't think of one)

his were not dodgy flap cakes

they were M&S flap cream cakes thus the fridge. Yes I too hate that 'what women want' mentality, I think that is mainly what put me off actually.

I had rather he demanded something now and again, personally. It would feel more normal and real that way.

I think you could be on a win win with this,
Don't getinvolved romantically, sounds like you have a great friend, lovely with the kids, moving closer,
Once he is closer you can have someone to go out with as a friend, you can have a day to yourself whilst he looks after the children, but there is no hang up about any other stuff.

DH and I had a slow burn start, not lightneing bolts or anything like that, we were/are just really comfortable in each others company, I fancied him don't get me wrong but it wasn't a breathless over emotional thing.

Good luc!

having read the whole thread I went from umm maybe give it a go

to no way

it will be a really wonky relationship -hope you see what I mean as feel a bit too pissed to explain!

For Dittany

tis not done to link to own thread but still

Greyskull, yes, that sounds really great. I'm not sure he will move back if I'm not up for more though. Might have to have a distant friend in that case.

He's so nice, just, well maybe it would have happened by now.

Thanks Noonki! Sorry if it were a bit of a drip feed . I didn't intend it thataway.

you haven't had sex with him, it doesn;t sound like you have any burning desire to have sex with him yet you're considering him as a life long partner. Man, thats going to feel like one loooong life with no real chemistry between you.

People can be bloody irritating to live with in any circumstances, if you don;t love them fanatically at least part of the time, I have no idea how you would stop yourself murdering them.

Greyskull - I wouldn;t consider 20 years to be slow burn but failure to ignite!

sorry thats a bit too blunt isn;t it.