Serial Suicider - Please Help I'm at a Loss.

[tiredlucy]

My ex has made sveral suicide attempts over the years(really not sure how serious he's been, I've always been around or he's let me know his intentions).

The thing is that whenever we row about something (we're in touch for our dcs)usually involving some horrfic lie he's been caught out in or something bad he's done to somebody else. Then the "threat" is made. The last one was a month ago, he'd taken a couple of tablets and was taken by the police to A & E after I called them.

I then found out something extremely horrendous (devastating) yesterday. He will not talk to me about it, but now the very vague "hints" about what he's going to do have begun. His phone now rings out and he's probably fine, but I'm so angry and worrried at the same time.

He was recently diagnosed with depression and has tablets for that and is seeing a counseller.
I cannot cope with this anymore and when he finally does it, what then?

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Obviously I can't know whether he is genuinely suicidal or not (and I hope things turn aout all right this time), but it does seem that he is being manipulative in the extreme. I think you need to tell him very emphatically that you can not tolerate the use of suicidal behaviour as a strategy to control your reactions to him. Insist that he raises this with his counsellor and finds a way to control the threats.

It is very hard to be supportive to a depressed partner, and you can't do the job of providing that support unless he respects some groundrules.

Then you'll be free from his emotional blackmail, won't you? And if he's a serial threatener, then he's unlikely to go through with it, is he? He's just manipulating you in the nastiest, weakest possible way.
Sorry to sound so harsh, but he's your ex- he's no longer your responsibility...He is getting help for his condition, which hopefully will be a positive move for him, and for you. Don't let him do this to you. Be firm. Or your children will grow up and it'll end up perhaps being them who have to deal with his pathetic, weak behaviour.

Wishing you strength to deal with this- in the best possible way for you and your children. x

Have they been real attempts or just threats?

I note that you say he is your ex, and although I understand he is your children's father, I can not imagine how you can cope in the long term with him threatening suicide when you have a row.

I don't know what it is the devastating thing you found, but perhaps this is the final thing that turns the situation around so you can get less involved in this? IF it doesn't affect the children (much), how about reducing conversations to the minimum so he has no opportunity to blackmail you? If it does... well it is a totally different situation...

sorry, I missed that you are his ex. He must take responsibility for his depression and not pile it on to you.

I'm going to open up here: I've done this - when I was young and silly. Much older and wiser now!

You need to ignore it. If he has always let you know then it is not serious, its what they call "parasuicide", that is, suicide threats or attempts to get attention.

If you are worried, call his GP and let them know your concerns (though they cannot talk to you about him, they can listen to what you have to say).

It sounds really harsh, but he's not your responsibility. This is being done to manipulate you and keep you in a relationship of sorts with him. You say he's ex - have you been apart long? Its awful that he is using the dc contact to make these threats.

But if he does decide seriously to kill himself, then its NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU - its his choice.

I got over it (I did this a couple of times with an ex boyfriend in my vv early 20s) by realising what a silly little girl I was being - with a bit of help from some counselling. Years later when very seriously ill with a deoressive illness I made a serious suicide attempt (luckily I was found - I tried very hard not to be) but got help with that as well and though I am depressed again at the moment that thought is the furthest from my mind.

Don't let him manipulate you - for your dcs sake.

Hope this helps a bit.

That is excellent advice weegie- and very good of you to open up.

This is between him and his psychiatrist or whoever should have been following him after his last parasuicides.

We are all responsible for ourselves. He is a functioning adult who is using you as an emotional punchbag.

You have to leave him to it or he will destroy you.

SOmetimes personal experience helps. I am still a bit about what I did - was so silly, bitchy and manipulative!

Although the ex-at-the-time is now dh and he very much supported me through the serious mental illness - but we still don't talk about the idiocy of when we were split up!

I grew up with my father threatening/attempting suicide on an alarmingly regular basis. Sometimes he took an overdose, sometimes he just told us that he was going to kill himself, and that he would be dead by the time my brother and I came home from school.

Obviously this was extremely distressing for us and we'd go to school sobbing. However, after living with this for years, I learned to reconcile myself with the fact that a) it was HIS decision, not mine, and b) I was not in any way responsible. I learnt to simply wave him goodbye as I normally would, knowing that if the worst happened, it was not my fault/responsibility.

You need to recognise that as well. He is a grown man, you are no longer in a relationship with him, but even if you were, he has a choice to accept the treatment being offered or not. It honestly is down to him.

Also, some people can be treated, some people really do feel that ending it is their only option. But it's THEIR choice.

Weegie- so pleased it all worked out for you! And very courageous of you to share your story.

Thank you for the replies and for sharing Weegie.
He has surfaced by way of an email only a few minutes ago. So I know that (this time) he is well.
It's true, it has been going on for years, but every time I'm convinced he'll really do it and know him well enough when he makes subtle gestures that he's going to do something and he knows that.
I'll try my best not to get involved now, and ask him if he'll mention it to his counsellor.
It has now got to a point where I daren't confront him about anything, which I suppose is what he wants. Yesterday I received devastating news about something he'd done and yet found myself asking if he was okay and if he wanted to talk

You really need to detach from him - for your sake. He is controlling you through this

My grandmother would make threats and suicide attempts whenever people disagreed with her, or went against her wishes, and it completely dominated the entire families outlook on life for many many years. It caused huge schisms, and caused my dad an awful lot of heartache (and caused a major bout of depression in him).

Was he violent to you when you were together?Horrible controlling behaviour, he's doing it to manipulate you, not to die.

my ex has done this through all his relationships. its pathetic when a grown man has been doing it for over 20 years. thing is,his brother comitted suicide,and he saw how it affected his whole family. his brother was a bit of a rogue,and brought a fair bit of trouble to his family......once he'd killed himself though,he was placed on a pedestal,and became highly thought of! photos of him appeared on every surface,his belongings dished out reverently, big funeral etc,etc.

my ex saw all that and LOVED the attention. wanted it for himself as he didn't really amount to much,wanted some "glory"....but can't quite bring himself to do it. if he really wanted to,he'd use the method his brother used,effective. but no,he messes around with a few pills,a knife makes a few scratches....

he knows though,what an effective tool he has created,he once spoke of perhaps taking dc with him one day if we ever split up....that threat kept me in that abusive relationship for a long time before i got the support i needed to move on...even now,he wants unsupervised access,had to rely these fears to the courts. how when i have no proof? his history of suicide attempts gets buried under the term "depressed".....nobody stops someone with depression having access to their kids,so i'm stuck!!

SomeGuy - yes, he was for a few years. How did you guess?

I had a friend stuck with a bloke like this. Whenever something happened he didn't like, that was the threat. He would take two, maybe three tablets and then tell her it was the whole bottle etc etc etc.

In the end she just didn't respond at all. He never actually harmed himself. He is still alive and kicking someone else 30 years on.

my ex also threatened..became like a mantra...at one point i confided to a friend that every time he said he was going to kill himself/life is not worth living i simply started choosing the music for his funeral...

as they said : if he chooses to follow thru it will be his choice and his responsibility, nothing to do with you.

if you want to follow up on his threats you can call his GP or police and let them know - then let them deal with it or not.

It is usually tablets, or disappearing for a long drive after making sure he's hinted at intent to do something.
I used to get a call from somewhere remote or quiet he had driven to, or I'd be calling him frantically persuading him not to do anything silly.
It's only been tablets or threat of(can barely say it)hanging, recently.
Even an unanswered phone or emails not returned after a call where he has been sobbing about how he can't go on is enough to make me worry.
I don't know if I worry about him, (he really isn't a very nice man) or having to live with the guilt if he went through with anything.

Threatening suicide is a very aggressive thing to do
In a "fuck you, I will kill myself and then you will feel bad for the rest of your live" way

Just ignore it
If he was serious he would have succeeded by now

you've had great advice here

i had a chap who i was kind of involved with, well, he wnated to be involved, i didn;t.

he said if he could not have me, he would kill himself, i said that was his choice and put the phone down on him. he had serious issues and that was one of them. of course he did not kill himslef.

it is emotional blackmail of the worst kind

it is his 'get out of jail free card', he can do something awful and then threaten suicide, whcihc turns the tables and makes him teh victim

i would cut all ties, he is your Ex.

whatever he does, he chooses to do it

hopefully he will be honest with his counsellor who will help him move forward too

Ask him if he's seen something narsty in the woodshed - without appear heartless, I echo previous statements that this kind of behaviour is pure and simple manipulation, and is not in his best interests either - if he suffers from any mental fragility he needs to realise that he'll need support should he ever really feel that way - at the moment, he's got the ultimate get-out-of-jail-free card.

I feel for you though, one someone knows which buttons to press its very hard to see clearly how to react, and you seem like a nice person with a conscience regarding your behaviour - unlike your ex.

x-post Lulu on the get-out-of-jail-free card !

I type too slowly

MANIPULATIVE......even happening with the mp's now. message seems to be lay off us and forget about our expense claims,or one of us may commit suicide!! can't believe what i heard on the news about this!!

sorry,off on a tangent there.