Serial Suicider - Please Help I'm at a Loss.

[tiredlucy]

My ex has made sveral suicide attempts over the years(really not sure how serious he's been, I've always been around or he's let me know his intentions).

The thing is that whenever we row about something (we're in touch for our dcs)usually involving some horrfic lie he's been caught out in or something bad he's done to somebody else. Then the "threat" is made. The last one was a month ago, he'd taken a couple of tablets and was taken by the police to A & E after I called them.

I then found out something extremely horrendous (devastating) yesterday. He will not talk to me about it, but now the very vague "hints" about what he's going to do have begun. His phone now rings out and he's probably fine, but I'm so angry and worrried at the same time.

He was recently diagnosed with depression and has tablets for that and is seeing a counseller.
I cannot cope with this anymore and when he finally does it, what then?

Manipulation freak!

Better off without him.

If someone wants to kill themselves, they do. If they want everyone else to feel sorry for them, they don't. They just talk about it.

Thank you snigger, "something narsty in the woodshed" made me laugh.
Don't think he'd know what I was talking about

Thank you snigger, "something narsty in the woodshed" made me laugh.
Don't think he'd know what I was talking about

It's good that you're laughing TL- keep on laughing- it'll make it easier to shut the door on his fingers...
(hated that blimmin' book]

Am I the only one who's curious to know what the extremely horrendous (devastating) thing was that tiredlucy found out about her ex?

Don't forget that he did something or kept something from you lucy, and is now just using this suicide threat as a way of distracting you and chanigng your focus away form what he did to feeling sorry for him.

He's a wanker and doesn't deserve your worry and concern.

tiredlucy: I have been reading this: www.amazon.com/Life-Bottom-Worldview-Makes-Underclass/dp/1566633826

The author was a doctor in Birmingham. He mentions violent men doing this quite a bit.

"In my toxicology ward, for example, 98% of the 1300 patients we see each year have attempted suicide by overdose. Just over half of them are men, at least 70% of whom have recently perpetrated domestic violence. After stabbing, strangling or merely striking those who now appear in their medical records as their partners, they taken an overdose for at least one of three reasons, and sometimes for all three: to avoid a court appearance; to apply emotional blackmail to their victims; and to present their own violence as a medical condition that is the doctor's duty to cure."

There are a few other similar passages on the violent men using suicide as leverage theme.

I had a boyfriend once who said "if we ever split up I won't kill myself because then we could never get back together again". Oh what a dick. Saw him off quick.

Most people who do this really are only after the attention the threat gets them. Just tell him he's being sooooo banal and leave him to get on with it.

My gran would threaten to kill herself whan not getting her own way... I got her her heart pills, a glass and a jug of water and walked away.

call his bluff, I have lost friends to suicide and they just went and did it not harped on about it and made half hearted attempts, he is a sad weak little man, walk away.

Weegie-thanks for sharing and am happy for you that you are a survivor.

gooseiscooked-how sad for your childhood.

snigger- in the woodshed!

lucy-I am posting to give you a term I have not seen posted yet. He is using you as an "emotional hostage".

Tell him you've had enough and he needs to use someone else from now on.

I agree with the others that people who are serious about it won't discuss it and will be definite in their action.

We are not responsible for other's happiness. We've heard that plenty. It also follows that we're not responsible for their life, and if they take their own life - we are not responsible for their death.

How old are your dc? If they are old enough to know what is going on-they may choose to pattern the behavior. I suggest limiting contact and profusely debriefing them when they do have time with him.

Similar to kimi (x post)

I just remembered when I was 18 or 19 a very immature bf threatened suicide. Somehow I was already aware of "emotional hostage" concept (but perhaps without the vocabulary). I wasn't going to be drawn into that drama and said, "Well, try not to make too much of a mess. Maybe you should do it outside?"

His jaw dropped and he carried on like he hadn't said anything.

I have to say that sometimes people who talk about suicide do follow through - it's risky to use that as a blanket assessment of people who talk about ending it all.
However, wankers like this man are never obliging enough to actually die. THough I would strongly advise, Lucy, that you insist he is only allowed supervised access to your DC because of the suicide threats (not likely he will hurt them but silly tossers like this sometimes stage 'suicie' attempts in front of their children and there is no need for your DC to have to put up with this crap.)
Lucy, honestly, what you need to say to this man is 'Not my problem' and put the phone down. He's not your problem. Have no contact with him that's not to do with the DC and keep that to a minimum. He;s a wanker. It would probably be better if he did finish himself off, but no such luck with this type.

Wanted to add, from my own experience, you need to try (as much as you are able to) to make sure that your DC aren't around when he's being like this. Otherwise, the chances are that they will start to feel responsible for his emotions and/or his actions. Or worse, he will do what my father did and actually tell them that they are the cause.

Please try to protect them from that if you possibly can.

Lucy, he is an adult - if he chooses to off himself then that is of course his right, none of your responsibility - he is your EX.

Having said that, please try to make sure he only has supervised access to your DCs if possible. THAT would worry me more than the thought of him killing himself.

I knew someone who used had a relationship with a suicide threatener. In the end she just said if he called her with another such threat she would call the police round to his house.

And she would have. But funnily enough he stopped that line of manipulation. (Started inventing different sorts of crisis but that's another story...)

yes, solidgoldsneeze...
If a child/teen ever mentions suicide, it is a completely different situation...and very tricky, too, regarding possible manipulation vs. sincerity. I would choose to believe in sincerity in all of those cases.

TMSB: I would certainly say that the first time anyone does it they should be taken seriously, especially if they are young (partly because young people sometimes make attempts at suicide after threatening it as a spot of grandstanding but sadly don't know enough to keep themselves safe and therefore do end up either dead or seriously hurt) - but anyone with a long history of taking two aspirins and then ringing up their XP to wail about having 'taken an overdose' should get treated with a touch more disdain.
It's also true that attention-seeking parasuicides sometimes do actually manage to do the job properly, usually without meaning to. I did know someone who this happened to and years down the line my main thoughts are still 'Serves you right you silly fucking bitch!' However, Lucy, if your XP does this, it will be his own fault, not yours and you will probably find it a surprising relief if he does. Please don't let him mess you around any more - it's his life and his problem. But, as I repeat, don't allow unsupervised access to the DC. Because he's a dick. It is also possible that if you say he is not allowed unsupervised access because of his suicide threats which you think are a risk to the DC he might actually start to feel ashamed of this crappy manipulation tactic and go and do it at someone else.

My dc know nothing about it, but I guess it's the type thing that gets more difficult to conceal with older children.
He makes the calls and emails when he's on his own and never when with the dc.
Thank you for all the advice it's been really interesting anf=d helpful, I can see how I've enabled him to continue doing this. I'll take a look at the book as that was pretty accurate and have a rethink about everything, including his access to the children.

I'm wondering how these 'devastating' snippets of news are revealed to you...and whether they are an attempt to get you wound up so that you have a row, thus keeping you involved with him - you are not responsible for these behaviours or actions either, and unless they affect you or the children I would suggest not reacting to them.

If they do affect your feeling on whether the children are safe with him, that's something more serious and you need to keep a record of these things in order to build a case for stopping access.

Sorry he's being such a dick.

Lots of good advice here, the only thing I would say is that if you are worried about him when he makes his threats and disappears do you have his parents phone number? They are his family not you and should be the ones dealing with his problem.

I think you have to be careful at assuming because he hasn't actually killed himself before, that he isn't going to do it one day. There is also the possibility of a cry for help going wrong.

Even if he does kill himself one day. It.Is.Not.Your.Fault.

I don't think OP needs to be considering what he might do in the future - it is not her problem. It may affect her children but beyond being prepared for that, there's nothing she can do.

may be worth giving women's aid a call for advice/support at dealing with this sort of behaviour.

I never said it would be her fault. I was merely pointing out that all the people who said he won't do it as he hasn't yet, are wrong ime.

And, it is an assumption he is doing it for attention and to provoke a reaction. You cna't possibly know what is going on in his head.