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Original poster

Would you say my P is immature??

65 replies

LumpyChump · 21/05/2009 14:52

I have been looking at my relationship with my DP recently and realise that I don't want to have the same life 5+ years down the line and was wondering what your thoughts are on my DP.

I have a 9yo DS and a 4yo DD. My DS has a different dad but my DP has pretty much brought him up as his own and DS calls him dad.

DP was brought up with a very 'home proud' Mother, who always, and still does, has the most immaculate house you could ever see, like the front cover of Home Beautiful honestly. DP would like the same for us. I'm a lot more laid back and this causes problems. He moans if there is washing around, dishes on the drainer, not been hoovered etc etc. We have had arguments for years over house cleaning, washing etc.

DP never cooks, wouldn't admit it, but expects his packed lunch to be made daily and tea ready for when he gets home from work.

DP never does any washing, doesn't know how machine works.

DP loves and is addicted to his xbox and computer, spends hours on them both, especially the computer.

DP does not like my family or friends. Gets uncomfortable around them and doesn't like them being in our house. He also does not like me going out. He is going to a festival in a few weeks and I mentioned a few days ago that I'd like a weekend with my friend to which he huffed about and clearly had a problem with it, as he always does re. nights out.

DP has a short-fuse / quick temper. Loses his rag with kids easily, when the heating is on as he gets hot, if he's hungry, got a headache etc. Really shouts loud too. Wrote a thread in AIBU about how he went nuts over a budget camping set I bought recently.

DP has nothing to do with the finances. He looks at the bank now and again and moans how little money we have and how much debt there is.

Anything that needs sorting i.e. booking anything, sorting insurance out, taxing cars etc etc is left to me.

DP is in a job he doesn't like and has to drive 2.5 hours every day to his job. He has never even attempted to look for another, won't even look at the print-outs I give him sometimes, always giving some poor excuse for each.

He will get annoyed with me if we don't have sex for a while as he gets really 'frustrated'.

However, not wanting to paint him as all bad he:

Is affectionate (always in the mood!). Pays me compliments. Good with the kids. Takes dog out. Does tidy up if I'm not in the house.

Just wondered if anyone else thinks this is immaturity or is this normal and I'm the mad one!!?

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 21/05/2009 14:59

Don't know about immaturity, he just sounds really selfish, annoying and hard to live with.

Would you say that on the whole, you are happy with this guy?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/05/2009 15:02

Sounds like his Mother has a lot to answer for as well. She's not the only problem though, there are wide ranging difficulties within this relationship of yours not least of all his controlling behaviours. There is a massive power imbalance here.

He does not like you going out but its alright for him to go to a festival!. He also sounds to me like yet another manchild; emotionally immature (stopped emotionally maturing at 12) and unhealthly attached to his x-box like many of his type are.

I don't think he is particularly good with the children either if he is losing his rag easily with them.

YanknCock · 21/05/2009 15:02

Sounds like having an extra kid rather than a partner, IMHO.

Original poster
LumpyChump · 21/05/2009 15:06

Well that's what I'm questioning myself about. I'm pretty confused to be honest as he can be lovely sometimes but all these other things are getting to me and speaking to friends, none of their husbands/partners are like it and it makes me a bit sad......

I feel like my life isn't going anywhere IYSWIM.

Last night my DS commented that P shouts really loud and is nearly always grumpy. Which in turn makes me

OP posts:
Original poster
LumpyChump · 21/05/2009 15:13

Yes I do sometimes 'joke' about having 3.

I have had a basket of clean clothes waiting to be put away since Monday night but have been in working 9-5 every day since and have had after work things every night since and last night whilst watching the Apprentice I had "those clothes should be been put away by now" and he isn't talking to me today

OP posts:
Soph73 · 21/05/2009 15:30

LumpyChump - I'm sorry but it really does look as though there are more cons than pros in this relationship IMHO. And yes he does sound incredibly immature, which I'm sure has a lot to do with his mother. As you've already pointed out none of your friends partners/husbands are like this so your DP is clearly in the minority. You've also stated that you don't want to be in the same situation in 5 years time and, tbh, if he's losing his rag with the children I think maybe you should get out earlier rather than later.

Just because he walks the dog and occasionally tidies up when you're not around (which must be once in a blue moon if he doesn't like you to go out ) it does not mean you should stay with him.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/05/2009 15:44

Think you also need to read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft. This is all about controlling behaviours.

I am particularly concerned about the way he treats both you and the children. He is controlling towards both you and them. He is also a lazy, selfish and immature manchild (these are men who stopped emotionally at 12).

I think you should pay serious attention of what your son is telling you re your partner:-
"Last night my DS commented that P shouts really loud and is nearly always grumpy".

That says a hell of a lot about him don't you think?. Bet you as well he treats the children differently as the elder one is not his.

Original poster
LumpyChump · 21/05/2009 15:58

I don't think I understand what you mean by he is controlling us?? He is always telling me how we live our lives the way I want to. If I pay all the bills and do all the organising can he still really control us?

I'm not sure he does treat the DCs differently, other than he treats our DD like a 'little princess' (other than when she misbehaves). He does hate my DS' real dad and in all the 8 years we've been together he has never even laid eyes on him, won't open the door when DS comes home or anything which has always confused me a bit......

Gosh, I don't know. I feel like a brick has just fallen on my head and all these things suddenly seem wrong to me????

OP posts:
Soph73 · 21/05/2009 16:07

Yes, he can still be controlling you, even though you pay all the bills and organise everything. Because if you didn't do all these things, then he wouldn't do them so they wouldn't get done. He is obviously aware that you're not the sort of person to just leave the bills, etc so in that way it is a type of controlling behaviour.

He also knows that if he huffs and puffs when you mention wanting some time with your friends, you probably won't go as you don't want to upset him so therefore he gets his own way again - controlling behaviour. He doesn't want to share you with anyone so by not socialising with any of your friends, family, etc, he's hoping that eventually you'll stop socialising with them and he'll have you all to himself. TBH he sounds exactly like my ex and it took me a long time before I realised what he was doing and left him. When I did eventually leave him I only had 1 friend left as I think she knew that I'd see sense eventually.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/05/2009 16:16

LumpyChump,

You need to read that book.

The verbal abuser may control one or all of his partner's material resources by WITHHOLDING information as well as by withholding work which he has promised to do, often by "forgetting", "I don't know how", or "I didn't know I had to".

You wrote that he does not know how to work the washing machine.

Another common practice of the abuser is to withhold needed money, then compound the abuse by forcing her to act on her own, beg, plead, or do without. He then begins blaming his withholding on her acting on her own, begging, pleading, or "trying to be a martyr."

You are doing all the work indoors, he does as little as he can get away with. Taking the dog out for a walk is the sum total of what he does.

In more severe cases, the controlling abuser will keep money from his wife that is necessary for her survival and that of their family (whether it is the promised food budget money or his entire salary). He gives no thought to "spending his own money," or what his control and selfishness is doing to his wife and family who are either deprived of necessities or working desperately to support themselves while HE feels in control and free!

Another red flag here in your relationship is that he does not like you going out. That is highly controlling behaviour on his part.

Uriel · 21/05/2009 16:19

He doesn't do a lot, does he?

SomeGuy · 21/05/2009 16:22

He sounds pretty useless to me. Why does he not manage the finances

AccioPinotGrigio · 21/05/2009 16:27

You are not mad. He sounds like a pain the arse. Have you told him that you are unhappy with things the way they are? Mind you I bet he couldn't get his tiny nut around it if you did - selfish little boy.

I honestly don't know the right way for you to handle this. Back in the day, when my dh was a lazy little mummy's boy - a proper bollocking and withdrawal of my services such as the washing of clothes was my first port of call. In the first year of our marraige he woke me up one morning to shout at me because he had no clean pants - I went ballistic, told him he was an adult, I was not his mother, that nobody washes my knickers for me and from now on he could wash his own clothes or fuck off. He responded very well, took it all on board and has since always done his fair share of the housework.

Luckily my dh is essentially an intelligent, sensitive and fair human being who listen and act on constructive criticism. Is your dp? I hope so if you want to make change.

MrsMerryHenry · 21/05/2009 16:29

Lumpy, are you a SAHM? If so I would think it reasonable for you to do a greater share of the housework than your DP, but how you balance it will differ from couple to couple. I do think, though, that every man should know how to cook, clean, use washing machine (ffs if he can handle an x-box surely a w machine should be a cinch? ), even if they don't actually use them all the time.

However. The X box habit and can't be arsed attitude do make him sound unreasonable and childish. Apart from the temper, how has he taken to fatherhood - is he involved with the children and do they have a close relationship with him? (Kind of a rhetorical question; as if you say 'yes' I'll eat my laptop.)

Original poster
LumpyChump · 21/05/2009 16:32

I'd never thought of him as controlling before, just a pain in the arse!

He doesn't do the finances as he says he's too scared to look and says I'm better at it than he is???

I don't mind it really as I know exactly what comes in and what goes out but when we need to be careful at the end of the month and I tell him how much we have left he moans that he hates being on a budget - but who isn't these days??!

OP posts:
Original poster
LumpyChump · 21/05/2009 16:33

No, not a SAHM (I wish!), I work 4 days a week 9 - 5.

OP posts:
MrsMerryHenry · 21/05/2009 16:37

for you.

SammyK · 21/05/2009 16:39

LumpyChump, so you both work FT? and he has a daily commute?

He is controlling you. Don't you feel worn down? Do you see your friends and family as often as you would like? Or do you not bother sometimes to keep the peace?

It is not hard to use the washing machine. I think if I left my 4yr old ds to it he would be able to work it out.

On the money front I think you are best off handling that end as he sounds immature and you would propbably end up in a lot of debt!7

I think your OP has your answer in it - you dont want your life to be like this in 5 years time.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/05/2009 16:40

Well do you wish to spend the next month like this like this let alone the next year or five?.

I think not going by your original post. Therefore the ball is very much in your court. He won't change but you can change how you react to him.

You alone will have to decide if this relationship has any future or mileage in it because he'll quite happily carry on like this indefinately (or for as long as you put up with him and his controlling ways).

You have two children; you do not need a third to take care of.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/05/2009 16:42

Re him and the washing machine:-

"The verbal abuser may control one or all of his partner's material resources by WITHHOLDING information as well as by withholding work which he has promised to do, often by "forgetting", "I don't know how", or "I didn't know I had to".

beanieb · 21/05/2009 16:42

I remember your thread about the camping stuff

what do you think he would do if you stopped doing some of what you do? If there were no shirts, socks, pants etc one day? How would he react?

Maybe there is a case here for stopping doing so much for him and asking him to contribute more to the general household tasks. Learning to use the washing machine for example.

beanieb · 21/05/2009 16:44

Also - perhaps rather than asking him about having a weekend away for you time, could you just tell him 'me and the girls have planned to go to on such and such a day so you will have to take the kids'?

beanieb · 21/05/2009 16:45

"If I pay all the bills and do all the organising can he still really control us?"

do you mean you actually pay the bills with your own money/money you earn or just that you organize the bills and make sure they are paid?

Original poster
LumpyChump · 21/05/2009 16:55

I have such a bad headache. I have not heard from him all day. He's in a mood with me for something that I've done.

Probably because I left stuff on the bed this morning.

Gotta go now, be back later or tomorrow.

Thanks all xx

OP posts:
Podrick · 21/05/2009 16:56

Controlling who you spend time with and trying to stop you seeing friends and family is making you more isolated and is quite bullying behaviour. This particular behaviour is quite harmful to you because it takes away perspective on your situation and undermines your support network.

I would strongly advise you not to be with someone who exerts this kind of pressure on you.