Would you say my P is immature??

[LumpyChump]

I have been looking at my relationship with my DP recently and realise that I don't want to have the same life 5+ years down the line and was wondering what your thoughts are on my DP.

I have a 9yo DS and a 4yo DD. My DS has a different dad but my DP has pretty much brought him up as his own and DS calls him dad.

DP was brought up with a very 'home proud' Mother, who always, and still does, has the most immaculate house you could ever see, like the front cover of Home Beautiful honestly. DP would like the same for us. I'm a lot more laid back and this causes problems. He moans if there is washing around, dishes on the drainer, not been hoovered etc etc. We have had arguments for years over house cleaning, washing etc.

DP never cooks, wouldn't admit it, but expects his packed lunch to be made daily and tea ready for when he gets home from work.

DP never does any washing, doesn't know how machine works.

DP loves and is addicted to his xbox and computer, spends hours on them both, especially the computer.

DP does not like my family or friends. Gets uncomfortable around them and doesn't like them being in our house. He also does not like me going out. He is going to a festival in a few weeks and I mentioned a few days ago that I'd like a weekend with my friend to which he huffed about and clearly had a problem with it, as he always does re. nights out.

DP has a short-fuse / quick temper. Loses his rag with kids easily, when the heating is on as he gets hot, if he's hungry, got a headache etc. Really shouts loud too. Wrote a thread in AIBU about how he went nuts over a budget camping set I bought recently.

DP has nothing to do with the finances. He looks at the bank now and again and moans how little money we have and how much debt there is.

Anything that needs sorting i.e. booking anything, sorting insurance out, taxing cars etc etc is left to me.

DP is in a job he doesn't like and has to drive 2.5 hours every day to his job. He has never even attempted to look for another, won't even look at the print-outs I give him sometimes, always giving some poor excuse for each.

He will get annoyed with me if we don't have sex for a while as he gets really 'frustrated'.

However, not wanting to paint him as all bad he:

Is affectionate (always in the mood!). Pays me compliments. Good with the kids. Takes dog out. Does tidy up if I'm not in the house.

Just wondered if anyone else thinks this is immaturity or is this normal and I'm the mad one!!?

Wow, he sounds like a right pain in the ass. Is he ever happy? Do you ever get to the point where he is pleased?

You are not his mother, so should not be expected to clean up after his arse. And he is not your boss or your father, he has no right to constantly pick you up on your 'failings' and tell you what you should and should not be doing (the failings are on his eyes, not yours).

I often wonder what it is like to be perfect? He sounds as if he has it down to a T (again, in his eyes).

I don't know what the answer is, I suppose it depends on if he respects your opinion enough to sit down, accept some criticism and talk it all out. If however, he is not willing to change or compromise, then you have to accept that this is him. It is hard for someone to thinks highly of themselves (and spends their time measuring you up against others that he sees as more competent - his mother for example) to accept that sometimes they are wrong, and they way he is treating you is way wrong. Only you can do something about it.

i wouldn't put up with it. you work hard, so does he i'm sure. but that doesn't give him a license to be moody and expect housework to be done to his standards.

i remember your tent saga very well.

i really think you should start treating him like an adult and get him to do more of his own stuff. either you can do this, or i can see that you don't want to be in this situation in 5 year's time. no one in their right mind would!

so up to you:

do you want to save the relationship? then get him to act like an adult

if not, then call it quits.

"is affectionate" and "is always in the mood" are not the same thing. I'd forgotten your budget camping thread til now but that was bang out of order.

He wants to be waited on hand and foot, presumably as his father was. With two minor differences: it's not 1950 and you work nearly f-t.

He sounds like a complete tosspot and extremely controlling. Ugh. You are not the mad one.

I'm so used to doing these things for him. I know it sounds stupid but I'd find it really hard to stop.

Been feeling quite low in myself lately and I think he is why. I think it's actually dawning on me that a relationship should not be this way.

He came home from work last night and barely said 10 words to me. I sat down and asked him what's wrong and he said he has a toothache (he's never looked after his teeth and last year went to the dentist for the first time in all his adult life!).

I put all the washing away like he wanted me to and changed DDs bedding, did tea and washed all dishes and put them away - he didn't say anything but I know if I hadn't done any of it, he's have something to say.

So at mo....

Not just immature, but borderline abusive in my opinion. From your account, he is coasting through his life passively and blaming any perceived shortcomings on you.

Honestly, you need to engineer a relationship readjustment, in which your needs are met from time to time as well.

LumpyChump, I am speaking from experience here when I say that I know how you feel. Although I don't think my DH was quite as immature as yours we had similar problems, particularly with housework (he has never stopped me going out etc.). He moved straight in with me from a home where he was (and still is) mummy's blue eyed boy and she did everything for him and, as I was quite young when we moved in together (21) I fell into that role. I was working full time but had enought time to do everything. I now realise that I shot myself in the foot and was storing up huge problems. When we had DS 5 years ago, things changed and I didn't have the time ( I went back to work when DS was 5 months old), I also began to grow up a little bit and realise, like you have just done, that this wasn't how I wanted to live. It came to a head when DS (must say here that DH is a fantastic father) was 18 months old and I threw him out saying that I couldn't carry on with things the way they were even though I did love him. It worked. We got back together and he was much better. He still needs a kick every now and then but he now knows how to use a washing machine! I really think you should talk to him so he understands the depth of your upset over this. I know my DH did not get how upset I was and how much life was grinding me down. If he doesn't agree to change, you may have to make a very hard decision. All I know is, you can't, and shouldn't go on like this. It is not fair on you or your DC's.

He is controlling, if you dont put the washing away he doesn't talk to you!

He doesn't know how to use the washing machine - he can read I take it how does anyone get to know how to use any peice of equipment they read the instruction manual. It is a case of He doesn't want to use the washing machine as then you can do it all for him - and it seems that you do, so he gets his own way like a spoilt child

He huffs and puffs about you going out or wanting a weekend away, this behaviour is so that you dont go - again he gets you to do what he wants you to do.

You have to stand up and say - hay huff and puff matey jim I am going away and do it. Otherwise you will continue to let him control you. You can stop him by not allowing this type of behaviour.

Calmly tell him you need to learn to put your clothes away and use the washing machine. You can stop huffing and puffing as it is happening and then follow through as you would with a child.

Or move on and have half the work load by the sounds of it.

Controlling behaviour like he shows is abusive pure and simple. You have a choice ultimately; your children have no voice.

If you happily act like someone's skivvy you shouldn't be surprised if that's how they treat you.

You can kick him out, you can stop doing his share of the work (but apparently you'd find that "hard". Why?) or you can keep feeling sorry for yourself while you have the power to change your situation if you want to.

Those are the choices. You don't have the choice of him magically changing into a nice guy overnight.

I agree that he is acting like a child and I also agree that I let him because I do these things. I just hate the tension in the house when things are sitting and waiting to be done.

Last night I put all the bin bags out (collection today) and all three had been ripped open so I had to re-bag them all and then put them out. I mentioned to a friend in work this morning and she couldn't believe it is my job to put the bins out! I do it because if I don't they get left and build up for weeks as I'm told "yeah I'll do it in the morning" and it doesn't get done.

I have in the past told him that he shouldn't expect me to be his mother and shouldn't expect everything to be perfect like she has. When I think back to comments I have had over the years, it makes me realise how he has attempted to make me into her. For example.....he asked me why I didn't dress nice and have my hair and make-up done when doing school runs (something his mother always did)........he asked me why I open the door to the postman in my dressing gown as it's 'common'.........he gets fed up if I ever do a ready meal for tea if I have a long day in work and need to do something quick............he gets annoyed if there are toys around when he comes home from work "because he doesn't work 9 hr days to come home to a shit-house"

why didn't I see this years ago???

Not feeling sorry for myself - just angry with myself TBH

Much sympathy - I was in a similar relationship for many years It was only finally after his affair, child with OW, me taking him back untold times, me finally deciding to divorce him and move on, meeting a wonderful normal man, that he escalated ended up attacking me and getting arrested!
My point, that night the marvellous PC who took my statement for 3 hours looked at me in amazement and said you do realise this is an extremely abusive relationship, and a light came on in my head, I didnt realise quite how unhappy and worn down I had been for many many years, my self esteem at rock bottom...he is not just immature, he is an emotionally controlling passive aggressive dick, and you need to take your children and get out now
Oh and by the way this is NOT normal behaviour though I understand how after the years it seems notmal to you
It is only now with my new DP that I realise quite how normalised I had become to frankly shocking behaviour !

lumpychump - macdoodle is right - it creeps up so slowly in small stages, bit by bit so you no longer know what is normal until that is you start talking to other people and realise that what you felt was normal just isnt.

Thats what happened to me. the shouting swearing, me walking on eggshells was normal. not being able to ask him to do anything without him throwing a hissy fit, until i stayed with friends, - we were in the kitchen and she made us both a cup of tea and walked straight out to sit in the living room - she did not turn off the light! not earth shattering i know, but in my house if i did that i would be told off, so I sat there feeling anxious that she had not turned off the light. Then i realised i was being well and truely controlled.

Seems to me, you having to go out and bag up the rubbish, was your light on moment.

Any chance of you talking to him?

if he can work a computer can work a washing machine...

sounds like my ex, as others said it insiduously creeps up on you, til you spend your life walking on egg shells.

read lundy bancroft.

go see a counsellor and talk things thru.

you cant change him - but you can change the way you behave.

when you start doing that you will see his reaction - you could for example start dividing chores... or if he says "i will do it later" then take him at his word - dont do it!! leave the bin bags where they are...and when it isnt done he will notice.

see his reax. if he explodes/gets angry etc - then the only way is out....

my ex complained about toys/books around - so one time he got mad and packed up a whole load (without consultation)and took them up to donate to hospital.

hospital were very grateful,

i was furious eg an expensive baby annbel doll given to my dd which was "donated" without my/her views...

It sounds terrible to me.

There's also nothing to negotiate. You stop people controlling you and expecting you to be their unpaid servant by standing up for yourself and refusing to give in to them, not by compromising.

Rasputin

Well it actually would not surprise me if he did treat them differently but thats not the main issue here. There are still two children here who are caught up in all this and they have no say whatsoever. Only the OP can act and stop allowing herself to be controlled.

I don't think that talking to him will help because he is incapable of knowing anything other than "his way or no way". There may be a promise to change and relinquish control but often these are both half hearted and short lived. The controlling then further escalates.

He's an abusive shithead, lumpy. He thinks that he is a person and you are a 'woman' therefore you exist to service him. He is not going to change, men like this don't because they have this unshakeable belief in the Power of the Cock ie that because they have cocks, women will obey, placate and service them. And men like this, every time a woman gets wise to them and throws them out, always manage to rustle up enough superficial charm to sucker in another poor woman - did this man tell you sob stories when he met of how howwible all his XP had been to him by any chance?

Get all the relevant info ASAP on finances, the house, access to DC etc as soon as possible, then tell this man that you're not his servant, he is neither your boss or your owner, and if he doesnt pull his weight then the relationship is over. However, proceed with a little bit of caution as it's not impossible for men like this to escalate immediately to violence when challenged (though unless he has been violent in the past it's unlikely to be more than a bit of plate-throwing or a slap).

Thanks all.

I think first and foremost I need to have THE chat. I have had discussions with him before and he always says that he's the one to change, never me so I am left wondering whether this is the case and it should be me that changes, hence me putting the dishes away from the drainer, and always making an extra effort - like I never seem to be in a winning position though. He always finds something else to moan about.

Attila - P does seem to treat my DS a little more strictly than my DD. I've confronted him about this and he said it's because he's a lad and needs a stern voice. He says I am way too soft with the kids and I allow them to walk all over me and I should use his name as a 'warning' i.e. wait till Dad gets home (a bit old fashioned maybe?)

I am looking at other aspects now. For example I buy all the gifts, be it Xmas or Bdays for both side families. The only gift/card he needs to worry about all year is my birthday. I always get a bunch of supermarket flowers. It probably sounds ungrateful but I always try and get him something different, somethine perhaps he mentions months beforehand and I remember or something that reminds him of his childhood etc etc. He does the same thing every year, buys the flower, the sit in his boot for over 24 hours and when I get them, they're wilted .

Trouble is I know I need to start standing up for myself but I am quite a sensitive person, I don't like confrontation so how do change from that??

I will try and find that lundy book, sounds interesting.

Having THE chat won't make any difference whatsoever. As mentioned previously it is his way or no way, he cannot respond to anything else.

What is so different this time around than on previous occasions you've had these discussions?. He will make it all out again to be your fault and or doing yet again. You can do it all (well you are seemingly doing it all now while he takes it easy) and you can do it all well and he will still find fault and criticism with your efforts.
Its a no win for you.

I think the ways he is treating both your children, particularly your son, is damaging for them both. Its not just you who is the victim here, this is why I also said earlier that I would bet he is treating the children differently. Its awful frankly, felt sick to my stomach on reading that particular paragraph. He wants you to use his name as a "warning!" to your son?!.

You do everything for this man and he shows you no respect or consideration in return.
This man cannot even be bothered to hand over your birthday flowers from the supermarket and you end up with wilted flowers!!. What does that say about him to you, what would you be saying to a friend here in this situation.

This is at heart about power and control.
Abuse like you describe is insidious in its onset; you probably have only realised now that what you are in is an abusive relationship. He is probably very plausible too to those in the outside world; they often are and when you first met he was likely charm personified. It is behind closed doors that their true nature emerges because they cannot hide their controlling nature forever. He won't change but you can change how you react to him by finding your own inner strength that he has taken out of you till now.

Do read the Lundy Bancroft book.

Please, a woman I knew (very briefly - we moved) picked up a knife to chop carrots in her kitchen when I was round there. She stopped halfway and said "oh my god, I haven't used this knife for carrots for, I don't know how long." I asked why and she said "My husband says it's the wrong knife; he says I should use that one, but I hate it, the handle hurts my hand."

Her husband was at work, wasn't going to be back for hours and hours, and she was guilt-tripping about using the knife her husband had told her was the wrong one. I think the only reason she didn't use the one that hurt her hand was because I took it away.

Don't end up like that.

As above post says - there is no point having the chat. Best to get on and have the atmosphere. The quicker you get into it the quicker he will realise that the atmosphere aint going to change untill he does.

He knows you dont want to live with the atmosphere so he lays it on thick. If you dont give in the atmosphere he will make it worse, then worse until either one of you have to bacvk down.

If you back down then he will know for sure that he is in control.....

but if you refuse to back down then it will send much stronger messages than a chat - it will let him know that his behaviour is not acceptable.

So sad for you
I am afraid those who have been there before recognise all the signs those who havent who are with normal men think that talking to him will solve your problems...it wont

Oh yes the making it all your fauly, oh yes for years and years and years I truly believed if I tried harder, behaved differently, did what he wanted, pleased him then he would be the man I thought Id married
Even his affair, his child with the OW was all my fault, all of it every single thing for all the years we were together!

It is a classical sign and of course we believe them , we have been conditioned to
All I can say is its not your fault, and when you are finally ready you will go because I am sorry but that is the only answer

And yes they move on to the next victim ....I am my XH 2nd failed marriage and my divorce papers are uncannily similar to wife no 1 - when i saw them originally I belived everything he told me that she was amd and he just agreed with the divorce papers to get it over with so he could be with me .....fool fool fool and I have no doubt he is feeding the next one the same crap...these men never ever change!

This is far far more than a rut

I've got so much whizzing through my head at the moment.

If I leave:

Where will we go? How will we cope with money? His family and friends will hate me (hate the thought of people disliking me), how will we sort out DC access? What will we do about christmases and birthdays? Will I have to give up my job? Will the kids resent me?

........

Do you have any family back up available to you if you leave?

There are tax credits and benefits you can get to keep you afloat financially. If his family and friends hate you then stuff them, you don't need people like that in your life. If you split you should expect that they will probably take his side even if he is an utter toad. DC access is sortable, ditto christmas & birthdays. You could probably carry on working if that is your preference (not sure how old your kids are?)

I doubt that the kids will resent you, probably the complete opposite.

I think you should talk to your RL friends and family about the idea of leaving this control freak behind you and moving on.

Things can be a lot better than this