Would you say my P is immature??

[LumpyChump]

I have been looking at my relationship with my DP recently and realise that I don't want to have the same life 5+ years down the line and was wondering what your thoughts are on my DP.

I have a 9yo DS and a 4yo DD. My DS has a different dad but my DP has pretty much brought him up as his own and DS calls him dad.

DP was brought up with a very 'home proud' Mother, who always, and still does, has the most immaculate house you could ever see, like the front cover of Home Beautiful honestly. DP would like the same for us. I'm a lot more laid back and this causes problems. He moans if there is washing around, dishes on the drainer, not been hoovered etc etc. We have had arguments for years over house cleaning, washing etc.

DP never cooks, wouldn't admit it, but expects his packed lunch to be made daily and tea ready for when he gets home from work.

DP never does any washing, doesn't know how machine works.

DP loves and is addicted to his xbox and computer, spends hours on them both, especially the computer.

DP does not like my family or friends. Gets uncomfortable around them and doesn't like them being in our house. He also does not like me going out. He is going to a festival in a few weeks and I mentioned a few days ago that I'd like a weekend with my friend to which he huffed about and clearly had a problem with it, as he always does re. nights out.

DP has a short-fuse / quick temper. Loses his rag with kids easily, when the heating is on as he gets hot, if he's hungry, got a headache etc. Really shouts loud too. Wrote a thread in AIBU about how he went nuts over a budget camping set I bought recently.

DP has nothing to do with the finances. He looks at the bank now and again and moans how little money we have and how much debt there is.

Anything that needs sorting i.e. booking anything, sorting insurance out, taxing cars etc etc is left to me.

DP is in a job he doesn't like and has to drive 2.5 hours every day to his job. He has never even attempted to look for another, won't even look at the print-outs I give him sometimes, always giving some poor excuse for each.

He will get annoyed with me if we don't have sex for a while as he gets really 'frustrated'.

However, not wanting to paint him as all bad he:

Is affectionate (always in the mood!). Pays me compliments. Good with the kids. Takes dog out. Does tidy up if I'm not in the house.

Just wondered if anyone else thinks this is immaturity or is this normal and I'm the mad one!!?

Late to thread but more misogynist than immature.

he sounds like my exh tbh

except he didn't have an X-box or pay me compliments or be good with the kids or take dogs out or tidy up if I wasn't in the house, and I never thought that being pestered for sex was affection Although to be fair, he did once make me marmite on toast the day after I came home from hospital after DC3

I don't think my exh was/is immature...but I didn't want to be married to him any more!

Listen LumpyChump...seriously now...

'Where will we go? How will we cope with money? His family and friends will hate me (hate the thought of people disliking me), how will we sort out DC access? What will we do about christmases and birthdays? Will I have to give up my job? Will the kids resent me?'

Those are really normal worries, and exactly the same ones I had. I would never encourage anyone to leave because it absolutely has to be entirely their decision, arrived at in their own time...but if you come to that decision all those things will sort themselves out. I promise

Some people might hate you (I haven't seen any of ExH's family (apart from my DCs of course! ) since before we split up), and one or two of our friends felt the need to take sides. I dreaded the Christmas decisions and tbh Christmases still feel complicated and aren't my favourite time of year...but the other 364 days are immeasurably better! And not only are my DCs fine, happy, well adjusted, and accepting of the situation, I feel better that I am not subconciously demonstrating to my DDs every single day that the role of a woman is to be a doormat, controlled by a man and treated like a servant. I am holding my head up. I have re-started my career. I am teaching my DDs that women have worth, that they don't have to stand for being treated like sh*t, that their parents can actually treat each other with respect and consideration (which they certainly weren't seeing when we were married)...sorry...waffling...I'm trying to say that you have the power to do whatever you think is the right thing to do, and to overcome the new difficulties it might put in your path!

Just having woken up at 5:45 on a Saturday morning to make his lunch I'm now wide awake and feel as though I am starting to come to the decision that we need to split.

He has been moody with my for three days. Last night I asked him what I'd done, he just blamed toothache but I know there is something else.

Fourkids - sorry to be nosey but are you a single mum with four kids?? Uber respect if you are. I'm worrying how I'll cope with two TBH.

There is such a stigma to single parenting though isn't there? Or is that years of P's tutting at a stereotypical 'council estate vicky pollard' type that has made me think that?

I am meeting a friend on Monday who has two DCs with different dads (about same age gap as mine) who is now single, just to chat about her experiences etc.

I am lucky in that my parents and sister live close by. They don't get on with him and never have really. They will fully support the decision to leave, probably welcome it with open arms!

I have a hell of a lot to sort out and arrange but I think coming on MN and reading your advices has made me realise what I need to do or my life is pretty mapped out for me as a miserable one.

I ordered the Lundy Bancroft book yesterday from Amazon.

So feeling crappy still this morning but I think a little more positive about the fact that I've decided to leave.

There are a few posts suggesting that I just need to talk to him and it doesn't sound all bad, well, I've talked to him a lot over the years and brought up all these problems and issues which need sorted. He's never changed, always makes me feel like I need to - the posters who said 'there is no point', you're right. There is no point because it won't change anything.

I need to grow a pair of balls from somewhere !!

It took me 10 years to finally make a proper break and divorce my EA XH - it took nearly 3 years from when he had his affair and a lot of shit in between - do not underestimate how hard it is and how brave you are !
I am single working mum to 2 DC (my youngest in only 17 months as she was conceived while we split up) - we manage absolutely fine and TBH the not having to make sure everything is tidy and the kids are quiet etc etc etc - me and DD1 (and DD2 now) can dance around the lounge like loons to mamma mia without XH telling us we are mad (in a serious way not joking) - oh and so so so many more things - you will be more than fine

Thanks Mac, sorry you had such a hard time but happy that you are coping well and enjoying your time with your girls

How do you physically cope with such a change in life though. I'm finding trying to think about things being done differently all a bit overwhelming TBH........

P is in work now and it is lovely and peaceful and calm and I have dishes all over the kitchen and me and DD both still in our jammies, it's lovely.........but in about an hour or so i'll start housework and won't stop till he comes home........

aaaaghh...just typed out a missive and lost it

Hi LumpyChump,

Two positives...if my advice is any use!

I was a single mum, and as macdoodle says, it was far easier on my own with the DCs. I tidied when I wanted to and didn't have to prepare dinner every night (just ate with DCs) and was happier. It also changed my attitude in a way - I no longer felt like a skivvy so I retrained the DCs to do their bit too! Obviusly I had less money, but it was my money and I no longer had to beg for things or justify my spending. Could go on, but I guess you get my drift

I thought no man would ever want me with my madhouse! And I didn't care...could never understand why anyone got married twice.
Then I fell in love with someone who loved me. It was quite a revelation to me that such a thing truly existed! I met my soulmate and we married and are living ahppily ever after...with a totally different dynamic to my first marriage...and a good deal of experience in our (my) pockets, which I think helps in doing things differently the second time

yes, there were hard times - financially, emotionally (I felt guilt and respnsibility and lost the odd friend who chose to judge me), and physically. But I can honestly say I have never, ever, even once, looked back

I might just add that as far as I can tell ExH has realised - now he has to clear up after himself - that it is not easy or realistic to live in a show home! he eats redy meals, and seems happier and more relaxed, and is definitely a better dad these days - now he has enforced time with DCs! I get the impression that he is approaching his new relationship in a different way too.

As far as I can see, in my own situation, no-one has lost out due to our marriage breaking down - all have gained

Hey lumpy chump.

This:

"His family and friends will hate me (hate the thought of people disliking me)"

...is one of my biggies at the moment. You are right to worry about this because over the years you have developed relationships with these people as well as dp.

However, in the last two days I've found that they probably can and will see the situation for what it is and be supportive.

You're not running away with someone else, you're unhappy and if that's the case then you need to put yourself first.

Thanks fourkids your story is reassuring although sounds like you had it tough for years too.

Simple - his family are hard work anyway and I've opened up to them in the past and they've thrown it back in my face by telling him everything!! I am just one of these people that gets paranoid about people talking about me and it really bothers me if someone doesn't like me!

But......they know what he's like as he's often funny with them too and quite a few times they have all had run-ins with him, so I'm hoping they will see that deep down when we split, maybe see through what he is likely to tell them all???

LumpyChump, Try not to worry about his family. It sounds like you're not best friends anyway...and if you end up seperating, unless you want to keep in touch with them, you won't have to. Yes, they'll still be your DCs family, and you'll bump into them in the future at weddings etc! But in the meantime their dad can take them to visit his family and you can get on with your own life. You don't have to fall out with them in any way, and obviously you'll all hopefully be nice about each other - but you'll no longer be related to them so you don't have to spare your worries on them! In fact, I supoose I think a bit that if people/friends.families are going to take sides, the family should really take the side of their own - whatever the reality. when I split up with ExH one or two older members of my family were a bit judgmental...saying things like: 'but he seems so nice...he provides so well for you all...is it really so bad that you can't stay with him?...he's a good husband and you expect too much...' and I did think that they should have stuck by me! And if ExH's family hate me - well, fair do's! Although i send outgrown DCs' clothes with him for his siblngs' smaller DCs and his siblings and I exchange Christmas cards and emails about Chrsitmas presents etc...

Well at the moment he is being really nice to me. He keeps cleaning and not making usual huffy comments and I'm really confused.

One minute I think 'yes, he's like this now but how long before next mood swing' and the next I'm thinking it's me, i'm the man one, i imagine it all!!!

Although his festival is fast approaching and he's getting excited so perhaps, because he has something to look forward to, his thoughts are focused on that ???

I feel like a bit of a nutter at the moment and a bit fed up with myself.....

LC

ah yes, his behaviour now which is designed to confuse you. Its all part of his plan.

This is all part of the cycle of abuse/manipulation; at present he is in the nice phase of the circle. Its all designed to keep you both quiet and acquiescent and make you think he's not that awful really. But he is and he'll soon revert back to his unpleasant self becuase it cannot be forever hidden (you remember his behaviour re camping equipment?).

He probably also wants to tidy the place to his exacting standards before he leaves for the festival. Its allright for him; he can seem to come and go as he pleases. Different rules apply to you though; he does not like you going out!!.

Give the poor guy a break - it must be hard having to travel all that way every day. I expect his computer games are just a way of relaxing and he needs time to wind down when he gets in. I dont expect he is home early enough to get involved in the washing so it's probably not his fault.

Thanks for that Easygoing. So last night when he came home from work and my mum was here, which he didn't like and he sat on his computer all night not talking to me and screamed at DD because she was being naughty which made her hysterical, is OK because he has a long commute ??

When he's walking around the house and huffing and puffing that it's a mess as I'd taken DCs out yesterday, I'm to do what exactly?! Run after him wiping his brow in case he's getting a bit tired on his 'rounds'?? The house wasn't in a mess BTW, DD had left a puzzle on the floor, I'd had done all housework before going out.

I understand that it must be hard having to work over an hour away from home. However, he doesn't have too. He can speak to his boss about being transferred but can't be bothered. I've offered / tried to help with that but he's not interested.

It goes way beyond that though