Why do I let this bitch [MIL] get to me time and time again..... Help me be more assertive.

[HarryB]

I can't find my old thread. Haven't seen the MIL for about a month as DH had been taking DS to her house once a week. So I felt a bit more confident about having her round and as soon as she got here she said DS didn't have enough toys. He has 4 rattles, a play phone, kick & play bouncer and playgym which I rotate throughout the day. He shows the most interest in the sky remote though. I wasn't aware that a 4.5 month old needed that many toys, but perhaps I'm wrong - please tell me honestly if I am. She also said he needs more stimulation - which I didn't agree with as was an an hour before bedtime and bless him, as soon as she said that he started crying. But she still made me feel like I don't play with my DS enough.

I feel guilted into going to buy DS more toys today, and I feel like a bad mum but then, she could breathe and still make me feel that way. The crux of the matter is that I let her say negative shit again in my own house. In fact, I meekly said "yes, I need to get him more toys". What the feck is wrong with me. It's only now that I am thinking about it, I'm getting more and more angry and mostly with myself. Part of me just thinks, ignore her, she's a bitter witch and is gutted that she is losing this battle so gets her digs in when she can, and part of me is angry with myself for not telling her to fuck off. The best bit is that they weren't even directly aimed at me, but were said to DH who just laughed them off, but I think that is more because she knows if she'd said it direct to me that I would stop her coming round again. They were meant for me though, I know that much.

Please please tell me how I can say "actually, you are wrong ......" to her. I can't stop her being is DS' life and he does like her, I can see that. I just need to be in control when she is around and I find that so hard. I can't kick off at DH again as he'll just ask why I didn't say anything at the time, and he has been really good for the past month making sure I got some space from her. Help!

Tell her that he has more than enough toys for a 4.5 year old - silly woman. As for the more stimulation bit - is she a fly on your wall? Grrr for you.

Don't let her get to you. Just tell her that you don't believe in having too many toys and that you play with him a lot when you don't have visitors-then change the subject. Don't let her get back to it-just look surprised and say 'I have already given my views' and change the subject. Keep doing it like a broken record and she will get the message in the end-or very bored!
Don't get drawn into these conversations.

Hmmmmmm. Could you maybe arrange to meet her for a coffe or something on your own and have a proper little chat? Tell her that you have bben trying very hard to find the healthy balance of stimulation, and that you have seen with your own eyes, that over-stimulation is more distressing to him than under-stimualtion and that you are happy to take everything at his pace?
Can you ask her what sort of toys your dh had when he was 4 months old?
I don't have a MIL (yay!!) and as I have 2 ds's, I am dreading the day when I am the old battle-axe!
I know you shouldn't have to do this, but can you maybe take the approach that you can see there is a strong bond between your ds and MIL, and you would love for them to always have a close relationship but that she has to understand that he is your ds and you are doing what you truely feel is best for him, and if it's not you feel it would be alot easier if she takes a supportive role and that you feel she is criticising you at every opportunity and that upsets you.
Could it be that she is finding it hard not being the most important woman in her ds's life anymore? Does she feel she's losing control because you, your dh and your ds are your own little family? Maybe she's a bit jealous, or maybe she is just a cow. I don't know, but for the sake of family relationships, it should be sorted. Children aren't stupid, and one day your ds will pick up the tensions between you 2 and will want to know why. You can't tell him it's because his Grandma is a bitch

I would say something very cutting with a smile like "It's funny what was best for children in the old days, when you had your child". Or "that's a great idea" very very insincerely and then do nothing about it...... so when she says something like "you should put the baby on the floor more" agree and then do nothing......

I don't expect you'll change her, but you need to find a way to stop her being harmful to you.

Try saying to her 'thank you for your advice, I will consider it' and then next time she says the same thing 'oh yes, I thought a lot about what you said, and talked about it with a lot of other people and read about toys and babies and now really believe that it's more important that he is just with me than that he has lots of toys and special stimulation - you might find this book interesting to read - it's really fascinating!' and then give her some fab book or article about babies needing to be centre of activity rather than centre of attention. Pretend you've taken her really seriously. Then say 'of course, more toys won't be harmful, I just will save my money for when more toys really will be needed at the moment - but if you really want to buy him more toys, then I'm sure he'd love them!'.

My nearly 4 YEAR old has tons of toys. What is he playing with at the moment? Two bits of cardboard that he's pretending are an aeroplane. yesterday it was a load of disposable cups out of the kitchen cupboard that were space rockets.

If I had my time again, I would let him have a rotating bank of 10 toys. No more.

If she thinks he needs more plastic-tat, tell her to open her purse and get down to ELC.
Pah!

Oh poor you. What is it with people who behave like this?

What I found was that the older dd got the more confident I became about how I was bringing her up. I worked on the basis that she was a happy, healthy, well behaved little girl so I must be doing something right. But I do remember being terribly insecure in the first year because I wasn't used to babies and didn't have a bloody clue what I was meant to be doing .

She's going out today to buy him toys . I know she just wants to be involved but pissing me off isn't the right way to go about it. I think Littleboyblue is right in that she is jealous that she isn't No1 in her DS life and in her GDS life. Her husband died so she doesn't have anyone, nor does she have any friends.

She is a bit thick and doesn't understand subtlety or sarcasm. Aggression is the only thing she notices but I don't want to go down that route. What if I said next time: "does it make you feel good to make me feel like a bad mother?". Would that nip this in the bud?

My DS is 4.5 MONTHS Sorry, should have been clearer

Surfermum, I hope things get better over time. I'm a first time mum with very little confidence in what I'm doing so her comments really get to me. Perhaps in a year or so, I'll be laughing them off like DH does.

DS seems a happy baby and everyone comments on how alert he is so I can't be doing it all wrong.

HarryB Of course you aren't doing anything wrong. I understand the lack of confidence though, we have all been there. My ds2 is 3 months and I'm still getting a bit nervous over things. Parenthood is a massive responsibility so of course it's frightening and over-whelming at times. I think the hardest thing where extended family is concerned is that there is so much love flying around for this little baby, everyone wants what is best for him, but sometimes people lose sight of this when there are disagreements about how the parenting should be done.
Maybe she doesn't mean to make you feel rubbish. It is amazing how quickly people forget what it's like to have a small baby.
My dad always comments on how I allow ds1 (21m) to play, always tells me I shouldn't let him stand on the sofa because he'll fall and hurt himself, and blah blah blah. He'll also be here and hold ds2 nearly all day, whilst also playing with ds1 and makes everything look so easy. I tell him if ds2 is happy on the floor on his own, just to leave him. I don't have the time to hold him 24 hours a day, but the slight disagreements we have is because my parents love my ds's so much, they lose sight of the fact that I am their mother and ultimately all decisions regarding their upbringing are mine to make.
My dad always says to me, the last babies he held that he loves this much were me and my little brother, and to sit there holding his baby's babies is just such a wonderful blessing, it gets overwhelming for them and that he realises that sometimes, the affection and best intentions aren't always communicated in the best fashion.

My point is, please don't take it seriously. You are doing a fantastic job, you know you are. You are completely right that a 4 month old doesn't need toys. My ds2 has an activity bar and a teddy. I do have rattles and things in a toy box, but don't often get them out. Mainly because ds1 gets too over-excited and gets a bit rough with throwing rattles at the baby, but both my ds's are happy. They need person to person interaction.
Even now, my ds1's favourite thing to play with is a mixing bowl of dry pasta and an egg whisk hours of fun!

Ignore, ignore, ignore.

Don't say tell her she's wrong, your initial assessment of her being upset cos she's losing the battle sounds pretty spot on to me. If that is the case then rising to her BS in any way will give her some control back, just hold your head high, plaster on a fake smile and think very nasty thoughts very loudly at her

There is nothing much you can do about snidey, bitchy MILs who make little digs intended for your ears. In my own case, I just avoid as much as possible, because honesty or confrontation don't usually work. You will just get the wide eyed "who, me?" response.

I remember your last thread HarryB and really empathise. I too have a MIL who is subtle as a brick. It may not be what you want to hear but only you can fix this. Your DH isn't going to be able to sort out the relationship between you and her. Only you can do that. There's no point in picking at every issue that arises. You are the only one suffering. She isn't. Your DH isn't and presumably ds isn't. I think you need to sit down and tell her how she makes you feel. Otherwise it's just going to continue and you are going to expend energy on feeling hard-done-by instead of trying to tackle the situation.

If she's like my MIL, sitting down and telling her anything would be like banging your head against a huge brick wall. She wouldn't listen, she'd probably get upset and use any passive aggressive/emotional blackmail tools she could find.

My MIL would point blank deny half the things she says if I tackled her and would tell me I was making it up.

She actually told me once that she hates interfering mothers-in-law seconds after trying to extract the telephone number of our gite where we were going on honeymoon!

MIL's are often a law unto themselves.

My DH's solution to this is to keep us apart. So now, I don't see my MIL, I don't speak to my MIL and I don't deal with her.

It's not my choice of solution, but DH won't 'upset an old lady by rowing with her' and he'd rather I didn't do that either!

The fact that this tears our family apart at times means nothing! Sorry for the rant, but the upshot is, don't feel bad about yourself. You are the only one who's suffering and imo, tackling this head on, though logical, might not have the effect you'd expect.

Keep us updated if you do speak to her though. I'd love to be proven wrong on this one!

Don't let her know she is making you feel like a bad mother- remember that no-one can make you feel inferior without your consent!

Just write her off as a batty and lonely old lady, be kind where you can and rise above, rise above, rise above... You are your baby's mother, the centre of his world, and ultimately you need to develop some confidence in your own abilities- this will be the biggest help in seeing her comments for what they are: a last ditch attempt to keep hold of her son as the alpha female in his life because she is lonely and has lost her role. Can you try feeling a bit sorry for her rather than angry? It sounds like you are a very sensible capable mother- just start believing it and don't let her get to you

A 4.5mth old doesn't need loads of toys!

I would just counter anything she says with a "Really? Do you think so? I have to disagree"
Then smile sweetly and smugly to yourself.
Will annoy the heck out of her and you don't look a bad guy.
Be confident in your own abilities as a Mother, and she'll pick up on that and stop the sniping.
She sounds like a lonely lady who iscutting her nose off to spite her face, if she didn't keep on making comments then she could see you more often.
Don't rise to it though, don't swear/lose your temper, just be confident that you are doing the best for your baby.

IME MILs only listen when it is the son (light of her life) that speaks up. Any threat to the mother/son relationship is always taken seriously, although no matter what the son says, it will be construed as coming from you....which technically it is.

You can't change her but you can change your reaction to her. I don't know the history but this has obviously got to the point where any unwanted comment she makes, has the effect of riling you and is seen as an intrusion or a slight on your capabilities as a mother.

I don't think this on its own is serious enough for confrontation but I can understand completely how you feel. I'd say on this occasion, let it go, let her waste spend her money on toys, hopefully it'll shut her up for 5 minutes at least. Grin and bear it and save your own sanity.

Your quality time is worth more than any toy so don't rise to the bait. If you ignore her, she will either get the message that she can't get to you.....or....she will become worse - in which case you really can deal with her properly. Also, if you keep your mouth shut on the small stuff, it gives you mileage with your DH if/when she does do something that you need to confront. He will see that you're putting up with her for his sake, and he will appreciate that even if he doesn't say it

Next time just laugh and say "Yeah sure" whatever she comes out with. It works well. My MIL who I don't see started hyperventilating when she didn't get her way and I just laughed at her. The fucking drama queen. Oh, and you are the woman in your own house so next time she comes make sure there are no toys at all, just so she knows you won't listen to her opinion.

She's wrong. Small babies don't need toys, they need human interaction and being talked to. Save your money for when he's bigger. My kids have always had too many toys though, esp when young.
I'd say something like "Oh are you being critical again, there's a surprise" to get my point across. If I ever did think my grandchild didn't have enough toys when I have 1 I wouldn't say anything to the parents. I'd just buy whatever toy I thought was lacking for xmas, birthday/as a treat. I've never seen a British child who didn't have enough toys though, and suspect the whole "kids need toys" ethos is largely dreamed up by toy manufacturers.

Small babies don't need half a ton of toys; she is trying to undermine you again.

I remember your previous thread well; its still on here (you would find it if you searched for your own MN name).

Your DH must speak to her both in a firm but calm manner. My guess is he is as afraid of her as you are but you both have to put on a united front. Thats not an excuse for him though; his primary loyalty should be to you.

BTW did you get the key back off this awful sounding MIL?.

Oh HarryB -of course he doesn't need more toys! If he had a floor-ful of them she would pick on something else. my MIL did this, and bought toys/clothes/biscuits by the lorryload, but it is just because they think their opinion on everything is important.
Ignore it. It'll be something else tomorrow. Ignore that too. Do as you see fit. He's your baby.

HarryB-I agree with those that recommend not challenging her. It would just be a never ending pissing match-not good for anyone (except mil's power play).

The idea of changing the way you respond is the way to go. Be emotionally detached from her.

Re-evaluate your expectations from mil-try to get them down to zero. Then anything positive you get from her will be a pleasant surprise. A part of this strategy is also not expecting negative stuff from her-usually if one expects stuff-there it is. (That is hard to do if it has become a habit.) So don't look for insults-take things at face value.

The only other thing I can suggest that hasn't be said before is that you seriously need to learn how to roll your eyes at her -as in "good grief!". When you determine a put-down has been laid at your feet, just shake your head slightly and roll your eyes as you turn away from her.
Nothing need be said. If she demands an explanation from your gesture, say "nothing-I didn't say anything."

HarryB, you're doing nothing wrong with your DS.

And the reason that you don't come out with the response to your MIL, the one you really would like her to hear, is probably because you're a bit taken by surprise and a bit taken aback by negative or nasty comments. Even if they do come from someone who is known to say such things regularly.

My jaw used to go slack at some of the things my MIL would say to me and I was unable to respond. Ridiculous really.

I then started saying two stock phrases whatever she said about my DCs. "Oh, he/she is fine," and "Oh, thank you for your concern. We're fine as we are." I would just trot those out over and over. They're polite but they let the other person know that their negativity is of no consequence and that I wasn't willing to enter into discussion with her.

And if she keeps on, say, "I said, he is fine. Thank you." This applies to anyone who says negative stuff to you, not just your MIL. You may well come across other people who say stupid stuff.

But take heart - it means that you're a good egg, not used to saying cutting things and that she's a bitter old moose.

You mustn't let her get to you. It will get better, I promise. Your DS will get older and even if you have another baby, your sense of injury will never be as strong as it is now. You are hurt because in a way you're vulnerable. It won't be long until you really can just shake her words off.

I think as a kind of venting, you should keep a diary of not just your MIL's comments but of your DS's first year and then you'll see how far you've come, how your confidence has grown, how you've learned to cope with stuff and how you hope things to be in the future. It really helps. Well, it helped me and stopped me showing so much spleen to DH.

I hope that you feel better soon.