Why do I let this bitch [MIL] get to me time and time again..... Help me be more assertive.

[HarryB]

I can't find my old thread. Haven't seen the MIL for about a month as DH had been taking DS to her house once a week. So I felt a bit more confident about having her round and as soon as she got here she said DS didn't have enough toys. He has 4 rattles, a play phone, kick & play bouncer and playgym which I rotate throughout the day. He shows the most interest in the sky remote though. I wasn't aware that a 4.5 month old needed that many toys, but perhaps I'm wrong - please tell me honestly if I am. She also said he needs more stimulation - which I didn't agree with as was an an hour before bedtime and bless him, as soon as she said that he started crying. But she still made me feel like I don't play with my DS enough.

I feel guilted into going to buy DS more toys today, and I feel like a bad mum but then, she could breathe and still make me feel that way. The crux of the matter is that I let her say negative shit again in my own house. In fact, I meekly said "yes, I need to get him more toys". What the feck is wrong with me. It's only now that I am thinking about it, I'm getting more and more angry and mostly with myself. Part of me just thinks, ignore her, she's a bitter witch and is gutted that she is losing this battle so gets her digs in when she can, and part of me is angry with myself for not telling her to fuck off. The best bit is that they weren't even directly aimed at me, but were said to DH who just laughed them off, but I think that is more because she knows if she'd said it direct to me that I would stop her coming round again. They were meant for me though, I know that much.

Please please tell me how I can say "actually, you are wrong ......" to her. I can't stop her being is DS' life and he does like her, I can see that. I just need to be in control when she is around and I find that so hard. I can't kick off at DH again as he'll just ask why I didn't say anything at the time, and he has been really good for the past month making sure I got some space from her. Help!

You don't need to say 'you're wrong'. All you need to do is develop 'the look', the one that says 'I think you've just said something very odd' and then turn the conversation to an area she is not confident about (or a family member who is annoying her). Or give her 'the look' and say 'd'you really think so? Ooh...'
No more than once a week, only an hour for every ten miles away she lives (mine's 40 miles away, she gets from 4-8 every Thurs), as soon as she walks out the door forget her.

It's worked in this house for 25 years.
Oh, and make your your partner knows how you really feel and how much effort you're making with her.

Thanks girls. Great suggestions . Been shopping all day and yes, I got a few toys which DS has promtly ignored but I couldn't help it. The things she says just drag me down - can't believe she called DS deprived (said in a jokey way of course ) .

I do have a roll eyes look but she is so thick skinned she doesn't notice it. She also made some comment last night about a picture that DH got me for my birthday, she said "what the hell is that". I said back "if YOU don't like it, then I know it must be nice". So, I can answer back but just not too much and her comments re DS kind of floor me half the time. Like you have all said, rise above it. You are right.

The fact that she only sees DS once a week now is a battle won by me and she never pops round during the week. I should pity her really. In fact, once I had written it all down, my anger subsided.

Sitting down and talking to her is NOT going to work. The people who suggested that are going along the lines that this is a reasonable person. It would be nice if she was, but then a reasonable person wouldn't be doing this kind of stuff in the first place.

Just before I was about to divorce my husband (we are still together) I forced him to talk to MIL about her bullying. She burst into tears, apparently, and DH came back to the house feeling sorry for her and annoyed at me that I had upset his poor mother. Is bursting into tears a reasonable response from a mature adult? No, its the behaviour of a 5 year old who has been caught.

I think you should just keep out of this woman's way as much as possible. SHe cannot change. She will not change. Just look after yourself.

I just can't imagine not saying something if someone treated me like this. I maybe wouldn't be as rude as in my earlier post but I wouldn't let someone continually put me down without making clear that I thought they were putting me down, that I felt it was unfair and that I wasn't happy with it or going to tolerate it.
I seem to have been very lucky in not having any nasty relatives, or perhaps my family are a touch bunch who don't choose partners who are this petty. I suppose you don't choose your mil as such, but if she is this awful I wonder why your husband wishes to be close to her.

I think that HarryB's DH is afraid of his mother and is thus scared to stand up to her. A lifetime of such conditioning as well can be very hard to readily overcome.

I am shaking. She just came round and dropped off some toys for DS then gave DH instructions on sitting down on the floor with DS and playing stacking games. We said that he has loads of stacking games for when he is 6 MONTHS / can sit up, and that we know what to do. I also said that there is such a thing as overstimulation and she just laughed at me. I told DH that he better talk to her or I'm going to kick her face in. I asked DH if he was insulted with the way she speaks to him, and he said that he just ignores it. Well, I can't. He has has got to speak to her now. I can't see any other way except me going mental at her and saying things that can't be taken back.

Attila, I don't think DH is scared of her as such, but I think he is scared of upsetting her. Yeah, I know, begs the question why is lets her upset me.

Am so angry I want to cry.

I think there are problems when the DH would rather upset his wife than mum. My DH was the same and had never really cut the aprons strings. MIL was awful. I was so stressed and upset and angry ith it. MIL made it clear that if she had to have gkids (at first she wanted me to abort DD1) then she only wanted them and DH NOT me. I was ignored while she rudely snatched my baby. She often invited DH to come ith the kids, not me. My crime? Taking her son away for which she needed drugs to cope with.

Anyway, I didn't give in and let DH take the kids round as I believe it's a bad example to the kids and giving in to MIL, not maturity and comprimise and being civil. MIL had to learn to accept us all as a family. This is what we learned at counselling. DH eventually stood up to her when the marriage was threatened. She eventually had to be nice/civil and 10 years on things are alot better. DH always sticks up for us now and is not tied to her apron strings anymore. We even 'get on' and I don't dread her visits anymore. Basically we realised we are 'stcuk with each other', avoiding each other makes things worse.

Sorry for spelling etc DS asleep on me.

If she can't respect you IN YOUR OWN HOME then don't welcome her again. Tell DH that if she ever laughs at you in your home again, she'll never come back in, and that when your child grows older it'll damage him to see his mum disrespected, so she won't be around him anymore. Return the toys to her house and say he's not ready for them and they are just cluttering the place up.

Junglist, she would love that, me returning the toys. I plan to say to DH to take them to her house so DS can play with them when he visits her as he has his own toys here.

Would I be right in asking DH for her not to come here anymore. I won't be made to feel shit in my own house. Is there any point in him talking to her or would she just love that she is getting to us. I can just imagine her and SiL saying "Oh poor GDS, what a shit mummy he has etc". They have no life so I bet this is their drama of the moment.

I had planned to rise above all this but I know it gets to me. As soon as she went, I played with DS until he started rubbing his eyes telling me no more. It's like she gets to me so much, I overcompensate.

I don't know what to do for the best. I am seriously wondering if I am developing depression over this. Maybe just staying away from her for good is the only way.

Take a big cup of chill-the-f-out, honestly, the woman is a loon. You are giving her waaaay too much power over you by getting so het up. You can't change her, but you can change how you react to her.

What's your Health Visitor like? It sounds like you could do with someone to boost your confidence in your own abilities so this woman doesn't wind you up so much.

BitOfFun, I am now chilled with a big glass of wine . I don't know why I let her get to me either as everyone says I am a good mum, and funnily enough, a chilled out mum. It's just when she is around, I feel like she is judging me and all my confidence goes.

Way to go!

Poor you, well I would keep whatever response very short. Don't get drawn into any conversation about it with her. Just say something along the lines of " Thanks but I'm doing things the way I think is right" and leave it at that. If she has a clever retort simply ignore.

I found this with my MIL, she would come round on a Sunday and cook dinner in my kitchen , ostensibly to help me out but I really hated her being there, cleaning things, changing things round, making me feel inadequate. She is an incredibly judgemental woman, this was OKish before but once DD came along it al kicked off. She used to do the same, would never say anything directly to me so I could challenge her, but made it very clear by snide comments or cats-bum-mouth type looks what her opinions were.

Everything she said about DD really knocked my confidence and contributed to my PND.

Now DD is 3.7, I couldn't give a toss what she thinks and says - today for example, I said my sister is pg, she said 'Is it catching?' and I just said 'mind your own business!' in a suitably jokey fashion, to which everyone laughed and the subject was closed.

If it's starting to get to the point where her critcism of your parenting are affecting your parenting negatively then you need to cut her out immediately. So yes, I would suggest making it crystal clear she is not welcome at your house any more because her behaviour towards you is unacceptable.

Like many grandparents, your MIL has decided that she knows how to raise kids best, and that you haven't a clue what to do. Problem is, like many grandparents, she's forgotten a lot about babies, otherwise she wouldn't suggest something as ridiculous as playing stacking blocks with a baby who isn't old enough to sit up yet, FGS!

I think the idea of getting DH to take the toys over to hers saying they are for when he visits her is a good idea. They're going to do nothing but remind you of her nastiness anyway. Take 'em to the charity shop if DH refuses to take them back to your MIL. You don't need a silent reminder of her bitchiness. She didn't need to frame her giving of toys in such a nasty critical way. She could have just bought them and said they were a present. But she made it about how you are a bad mum, so you can't keep them.

It's a power struggle. You have to draw a very clear line, and your DH has to back you up or you'll never be free of her interfering criticism.

Good luck, stand firm.

p.s. You don't sound like a bad mum AT ALL.

I agree with sakura, you can't reason with someone who behaves like a spoilt 5 year old when you try to discuss issues with them.

My MIL is just like yours HarryB and I have 2 dc my oldest is 3yrs 3months and she still talks to me in my own home like i'm a stupid little girl with no idea what i'm doing.

There have been times when i've snapped and told her how I feel and she's left our house with her tail between her legs only to phone the next day and use her best simmpering pathetic voice and tells me how poorly she is and that she has a magraine.

I also wish I could be more assertive but unfortunately when I speak up for myself I always end up feeling like a bully.

Even though my ds is only 3.3yrs i've already promised myself that when he grows up and has a life of his own with a partner and family I will not make his partner feel the way my MIL has made me feel.

I think you are perfectly within your rights to not allow her to the house. This was my main problem. I could just about handle being treated like shit undermined when I was out at a restaurant, or at her house. But not in my own home. No way. And the only way it was going to stop was to stop her coming round.
I wish I could have done what jellybeans mentions and FORCE her to be civil to me. But she just can't. She simply can't manage it! So I actually do let DH and DD visit her alone so MIL can act out whatever fantasies she has about being the main woman in their life. Whatever. As long as I don't see her, then I feel relaxed enough and confident enough about myself and my choices. And the longer I've gone without seeing her, the stronger and more confident I've become, so if I did see her now, randomly, it wouldn't be such a stress.

I have had something similar not from my MIL but from my FIL (actually step-FIL). I have had it all the time I have known DH, I was always uneasy around FIL and it took me a long time to realize that he is just a nasty, controlling, vindictive person.

With me it all came to a head last year, I had had enough the day he tried to tell me how I (not DH) should be bringing my DD up. Apparently I wasn't doing it to his satisfaction. DH and I had both told him no to giving DD a certain toy that was not suitable for her age (things to choke on etc, she was only a few months old)

I had come to the conclusion before the last incident that he would never change, and that I needed to change the way I reacted to him. I used to nag at DH to do something but he never would. So I did and my life has been so much better for it.

I decided that from that day forward that I would have nothing what so ever to do with FIL. He is welcome to come and see DD here, DH could take DD to their house, but no way will I ever be willingly in the same room with him, ever.

It is the best thing I had ever done, and my life is so much more easier than it ever was. He now hardly ever comes here. He is cutting his nose off to spite his face as DD knows no different. She has Step-MIL and FIL, she has my parents and she has 2 sets of great grandparents still. She is a very lucky child in that respect.

DH finally stood up to MIL about it all just before Xmas when MIL asked me if FIL was welcome here. I said yes of course he is, he is more than welcome and DD would love to see him. Just don't ever expect me to be here/around when he comes.

I now take myself off for a bath/upstairs with a good book and a coffee and chill out for half an hour.

I know I have waffled on, I tend to do that a lot , what I am trying to say is that if your DH wont take control of the situation WRT his mum then you need to.
You dont need to be rude/nasty etc just decide on how you want it to be WRT you and do it. Change how you react to your MIL cos you will never get her to change how she treats you.

I had to sit DH down and tell him that this time I am serious, that I will not just 'get over it' like he always asks me to after a while and that if he wanted me to put up with the shit I get from his parents then I will walk out of the front door and not look back.
It wasn't an ultimatum or a choice I was making him take, it was simply me saying that I will not take it anymore and if he was willing for me to do so then I did not want to be with him. He finally understood.

Sakura I remember your advice from my last thread and I took it and didn't see her for about a month - DH took DS to her house and things were much better. My first mistake was thinking that she might have realised she'd upset me and would change the way she treated me. My next mistake was letting her in my house again.

I asked DH outright if he was frightened of her. He said no, but that she is stuck in her ways, and has learnt that ignoring her is best. If he and his dad and brother and sister have all done that their whole lives, no wonder she thinks her behaviour is ok. I think reverting back to not seeing her is my only option and best for my sanity. I have asked DH to take the toys she got DS around there for when DS visits (just looking at them pisses me off)and said that I can't have her in my house. He is totally fine with that. Gets him off the hook of speaking to her anyway, which I know deep down is a bad idea as she'd play the "I was only trying to help" card. I also think that she would turn it round on me and say that I have PND. She has already intimated as much.

I get similar ciricisms from my mother and tbh I've had to just nod my head and agree with her and then do things my way anyway. You've got 2 choices. The first do as I do, the second to stop seeing her as others have done.
I don't think confronting her or talking to her will help. She will deny it and could even turn on the tears and then turn the tables onto you that you are over sensitive and she is only trying to help.

Insertwittynamehere you are right and the way you have dealt with your FIl is how I need to be. I have decided now that where possible, I won't have her in my house - it worked before and I need to ensure that I don't soften and let her back in again.

Your last paragraph struck a cord with me as I think DH and I are a whisker away from that conversation. I said to him yesterday that he needs to recognise quickly that WE (DS and I) are his family now. If DS gets married and has a baby, I will recognise that his family is his wife and children and I'll then be second to all that. It is how it should be. I am a strong believer in treating people how you would like to be treated yourself, so some good will come out of this, in that I will not be a bitch MiL.

HarryB, that is exactly the motto my mum brought me up with, treat people how you would like to be treat.

I did that and still do but now I have put my foot down (with myself) and said no more pussy footing around people cos I don't want to upset them. Apart from my DD1 and my DD2 (on the way) other people in my life will have one second chance with me only. If they fuck up a second time that it is they are out of my life.

When I made that decision I felt so much better in myself and have so much more confidence.

On a thread I started yesterday a poster said to me, 'chin up and fuck em' I think that is the best motto in situations like this.

I sincerely hope you and your DH get this sorted and things get better for you very very soon.

"I also think that she would turn it round on me and say that I have PND. She has already intimated as much."

As if having PND (not saying you do) makes you a bad mum! What. A. Bitch. I've known some AMAZING mums who had PND. Considering how hard it is to do anything when you have PND, I think these mums deserve a medal.

Don't let her get under your skin, she's obviously having a full-on attempt at getting to you. She'll probably try a few more tactics before she lets it go, if my experience with this sort of thing is anything to go by (it was my mum, not MIL). You're going to have to practice your best dignified, rising above it face and attitude.

Something I found very useful was to tell myself that if family members were willing to believe nasty stuff about me without even trying to hear my side of it, then they're not worth my time. You have much more important things to do right now, like caring for yourself post-partum and your little baby. You shouldn't waste any energy on the family drama games.

glad you are feeling better

Just want to say I think Winky has it the thing about saying the same thing over and over in response to the horrible undermining comments. It pisses them off no end and has the added bonus there's no possibility of you looking stroppy. Because the last thing you want is to give her the opportunity to say "What!? I was only trying to help!" (yada yada yada) if you do become more assertive.

I recommend a distracted "I know, I know" Sybil Fawlty style while busying yourself elsewhere and/or "Oh absolutely" -- over and over again when she makes her "helpful" suggestions. All the time of course, doing exactly what you want with your ds and ignoring her advice and comments with your actions.

Honestly, after the fifth or sixth or seventh "Oh absolutely" and wandering off, she will get the message.

It's childish and if you are strong enough then Winky's is better -- actually saying "No we are fine, he is fine, thankyou". But I think that's quite hard to say at first. Well I found it hard to say at first. Perhaps you won't

Stuffit, I'm just going to stalk you round MN agreeing with what you say - you've got me nodding my head in agreement all over the place today.

My mantra will be... "What stuffitlllama said."