Why do I let this bitch [MIL] get to me time and time again..... Help me be more assertive.

[HarryB]

I can't find my old thread. Haven't seen the MIL for about a month as DH had been taking DS to her house once a week. So I felt a bit more confident about having her round and as soon as she got here she said DS didn't have enough toys. He has 4 rattles, a play phone, kick & play bouncer and playgym which I rotate throughout the day. He shows the most interest in the sky remote though. I wasn't aware that a 4.5 month old needed that many toys, but perhaps I'm wrong - please tell me honestly if I am. She also said he needs more stimulation - which I didn't agree with as was an an hour before bedtime and bless him, as soon as she said that he started crying. But she still made me feel like I don't play with my DS enough.

I feel guilted into going to buy DS more toys today, and I feel like a bad mum but then, she could breathe and still make me feel that way. The crux of the matter is that I let her say negative shit again in my own house. In fact, I meekly said "yes, I need to get him more toys". What the feck is wrong with me. It's only now that I am thinking about it, I'm getting more and more angry and mostly with myself. Part of me just thinks, ignore her, she's a bitter witch and is gutted that she is losing this battle so gets her digs in when she can, and part of me is angry with myself for not telling her to fuck off. The best bit is that they weren't even directly aimed at me, but were said to DH who just laughed them off, but I think that is more because she knows if she'd said it direct to me that I would stop her coming round again. They were meant for me though, I know that much.

Please please tell me how I can say "actually, you are wrong ......" to her. I can't stop her being is DS' life and he does like her, I can see that. I just need to be in control when she is around and I find that so hard. I can't kick off at DH again as he'll just ask why I didn't say anything at the time, and he has been really good for the past month making sure I got some space from her. Help!

just agree with her - whatever she says, agree with her. it will be nigh on impossible for her to carry on the topic when all you do is agree!!!

you cannot pick a fight with someone who says you are right all the time

one of the only decent things my ex

Going against the grain here but I don't think that standing up to certain personality types is the way to go - and anyway, why give yourself the aggravation.

My mum is a bit like your MIL in many ways - endless judgement and cats bum mouth, but I have found that ignoring it works best all round.

Or, to make it even worse for her, I act as if my mum was the jolly, laidback person that I wish she was. So if she makes a nasty comment I just laugh and say something lighthearted as if we are cheerfully bantering away.

My mum will never change, and I'm not going to try to make her. It's her own loss if she can't enjoy lighthearted fun, but she's not going to bring my day down. The choice is hers - have fun or be ignored.

Red

The biggest hurdle is recognising the prob in the first place. We are all soooo nice we can't belive that others are so mean.

Now that you recognise it, you have the ammo to deal with it

Can we have a medic for stuffit??

I have posted these before.

None affirmative or negative statements to everything she says.

"Really?"
"Oh".
"It's certainly possible"
"We'll see"
"I wouldn't like to say"
"Not really"
"My Goodness"
"Well, well".
"Do you think so?".

Have found these effective with both my own mum and MIL. There is nothing for them to be offended by, react to, feed off or "take the wrong way" and be upset by.

Springfleurs, great dampening responses for everything the woman says.

But what about when she does stuff directly against the mother's wishes? Or to undermine the mother and make her feel inadequate?

I've not slept well since the weekend due to anger and frustration - so I'm even missing out on much needed sleep because of her. I can't be arsed anymore. DH can take DS to her and that is how it will be. I'm not going to soften again and have her round. If she pops in, I'll go and do laundry or something till she's gone. I am using up the first precious year with DS on being angry with her so fuck her. I will keep telling myself that there is a reason why she doesn't have any friends.

Oh yes, Attilla, I told DH that if he wont get the key back then he can change the locks.

Haary B- poor you, this woman needs to be stopped! I think at this stage you may need to talk to her but with your DH, he really needs to back you up. I presume you dont wnat a rift and i think it is really admirable how you have shouldered this for so long, but enough! I understand that your DH has his coping strategy, but I think he needs to stand by your side, arm around you and say "thats not on mum, Harry is a brilliant parent and she is doing great. I know you only want to help, but when we need your opinion we will ask for it."
You cant let yourself lose sleep and feel this way and I really think a united front is the way forward. I would be PISSED if my DH wouldn't back me up in this way. Once you two have said your piece you can then move on to the non commital remarks,keeping out of her way and limiting visits.
A thought- hy dont you go to her house, as then you can leave when you want to?

Louby, thanks for your thoughts, I really wish I could put them into action but I'm dealing with a real piece of work here. Sitting her down and talking to her would nmake her day. She is such a martyr in every day life so you could imagine the meal she'd make out of me admitting she'd upset me. She really is beyond ignorant too and lives in a little bubble of her house and her DD's house (they don't go anywhere else). I won't conform to this bubble life which is probably one of the reasons she acts the way she does. I have told DH that he needs to listen carefully when she talks to me and verbally back me up. The thing is with men, I'm not sure they pick up on digs like women do, so I genuinely don't believe he notices until I point things out to him.

Re going to her house. I have tried that, but she just manages to undermine me in a different location.

I think avoiding her for a while is best as I have a real hatred for her after last week. She rang last night and my back went up. Madness really.

harry

I tried posting yesterday but had a router meltdown.

I remember your previous post. Sorry things no better but have to laugh at the deprivation comment she made. And the stacking toys- great stuff!

Don't have a heart to heart - she'll be in complete control.

My mil exactly like that and although I've not yet dealt these are the things I've noticed.
Martyr any agrression or implied agression from you and she'll have a field day.

Be cool -very cool -and I know it's unfair but you need to take control as at the mo she's in control of your life. I like the quips along the line that (said in verycool and quick voice) - oh you're just being competitive again - nothing to worry about then.

Your dh is spineless. They often are.

Harry - you;re a new mum - I very much identify with you - we focus ALL our concern on our baby as it's new - well recognise that - acknowledge (because she certainly won't)that it's a difficult to be a new and concerned mum so much to adjust to and you just want to get to know everything about your little one and try and get some sleep.

The toys can stay at mil's for when your baby is there. Ensure you set the rules of when dh takes your baby to her home and ensure you get some R&R in the meantime.Of course - don't play her game and be petty - ensure she sees a decent amount of your dc but ensure it fits around your routine and your rules.

I'm saying this is because I found the situatoin so horrible I didn't do all I could and I'm resentful till this day.
You can't change a mil like her but you can turn the tables to some degree to ensure that you feel you are in control.

haven't read your previous post but you sound a little oversensitive. My dd had a jumperoo at 4.5 months - loved it. she had lots of books too and we went to the park and toddlers groups a lot, so I agree with your MIL, doesn't sound like your ds has much. My MIL is a total c*w, I would love to swap with you from what you say!

scottishmummyofone. trust me, you wouldn't want to swap. Maybe I am being oversensitive, but new mums often are, and when there is no support, just criticism, it gets you down.

Harry - omg - your ds has all he needs love and devoted parents.

scottish what is a little one supposed to have when he's just a baby?

I had LOADS of stuff for my little one - a complete waste as all he wanted was milk, cuddlesm, love and someone to come running when he cried.

Harry - noted that perhaps you lack confidence on the mothering front - probably what makes you a really normal and lovely mum.

If I had a second child I'm sure I'd do things differently - but I don't and I don't regret a thing - I was tired, possibly overconcerned and ran myself into the ground and guess what - my ds who turned three on Saturday is great, confident, feels secure and really isn't interested that much in bought toys (he has loads) - he likes a laugh with his friends and his parents. To the point there are still unopened toys - sure they'll wait till christmas now.

Enough said. You're fine - your doing a great job. Get that confidence back.

and I very much hope to get used to this lap top - really can't get to grips with this tiny keyboard!!!!!!!!!

tryingherbest. Thank you so much. You are right that I lack confidence but I have been working on that and noticed that when the MiL isn't around, I am more confident in myself as a mum - even thinking that I could actually be good at this. When she is here, I kind of go to pieces, and am full of self doubt for the days after - hence my posts.

DH is taking DS to her this evening for dinner so I get time to myself. I feel abit sorry for DH at times as he is piggy in the middle and it's tiring for him to get home from work and then have to take DS to his mums but I think he's happy to do it for my sanity .

I was thinking about all this the other day and I came to the conclusion that I think I will resent her forever for making me feel this way in early motherhood. I remember the early days sitting here in tears hating myself for being a rubbish mum because of her comments, and that's the bottom line. Every time I think I should go softer on her, I think back to those times now. I won't ever forgive her.

I think you have to take back control over your own emotions. people can only make you feel like rubbish if you let them. We all come across people who belittle us in our lives. we need to learn ways of dealing with these people so they don't upset us and their words just slide off us.
Blaming other people for how we feel doesn't change anything and is taking control of our emotions away from us and giving it to them. This just leads to more misery as we can't control how other people behave, we can only control how we respond to them.
Stop thinking about your MIL so much, you do sound a bit obsessive about her. Either stop seeing her or when you do see her don't let her upset you, just accept she is how she is and it's her problem not yours. If you can't do this I'd think about some assertiveness training or cognitive therapy to let you get back control over your emotions.
It's not your MILs fault that you spend so much time ruminating over her comments. That's your problem to sort out.
She sounds awful, but learning to deal with difficult people, and not letting them get to you is a skill woth learning

harry

I do feel for you as I also resent the problems my mil made when ds was born. She did everything in her power to stop me breastfeeding. I had to repeately ask for my child and when I did prise him off her and shut the door in the bedroom so I could feed him by that stage ds was going bonkers and then she'd fling the door open to demand what I was doing to make the poor boy cry. Breast milk dried up within about a week.DS stopped growing as she wouldn't leave him to ssleep and so he just stopped sleeping at 4 weeks andGP was going bonkers at my mil (yep, she insisted on comiung to every fecking appointment with me) and my husband watched and encouraged this with a smirk. I will never ever forgive them. Don't get to that point.
Bitch.Andthen a martyr. My problem was that my dh gave her 100% licence and this has been the root of the disintegration of our marriage.

She's here on an open ticket right now. I'm knackered having to speak a foreign language all the time - my parents are sick to the back teeth of her as they feel they have to treat her like a queen or else I get it in the neck from dh.
this time i've been sweetness and light to the point where now dh is really fed up of her- and wants her to go back home - sharpish- she's been fine this time but just today she's starting to control again and I've said to dh I cannot comply as I'm busy and very tired. He seems to understand (too little and too late actually).

Be the bigger person You're a fine mum and I jnow what it's like when you're in the spotlight you feel like you're being judged and it's too stressful. I PROMISE you you're confidence will come naturally, in your own time and you'll feel differently in a year.

Be cool and smiley with mil and show her you don't give a shit - let your dh take ds to her and give yourself some much needed space.