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Relationships

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Original poster

would you tell him you loved him?

23 replies

commeuneimage · 15/05/2009 07:07

I love my boyfriend and have an urge to tell him so. But I don't want him to think I have some sort of agenda and I'm worried he might not feel the same. (I once told a boyfriend I loved him and he didn't reply, which was mortifying.) Would you just go ahead and tell him?

OP posts:

Supercherry · 15/05/2009 09:30

How long have been together?

MagNacarta · 15/05/2009 09:38

I wouldn't tell unless I was fairly sure he felt the same. What is your reason for telling him? for me it would be to share our happiness, if he doesn't feel the same you'd feel terrible (as before).

skihorse · 15/05/2009 09:47

If you feel it IMO you can (and should!) say it.

You are allowed to have feelings and you are allowed to share them. IMO hiding these feelings is akin to "acting differently around him" - and you definitely don't want to start going down that route.

Even if he doesn't "love you back" - so fucking what? If you feel love, brilliant - walk around with a big grin on your face all day! Nobody, but nobody has the right to invalidate your feelings!

skihorse · 15/05/2009 09:49

haha I should add, there was a storyline in Neighbours probably about 8 (?) years ago. It was about Lynn's real mother - and the fact that Lynn's real father had never loved her real mother - to him, she'd just been a fling. But Lynn's mum said "I don't care what he or anybody says, I was in love" - and for me, that was when I really "got it". You are in charge of what you feel - it's not up to others (i.e., him saying me too) to dictate whether you feel love or not. x

HolyGuacamole · 15/05/2009 12:42

I think if I were you, I'd say it. It is a risk but it could be a yard stick to measure his feelings for you and see if he feels the same.

Good luck with whatever you decide

MorrisZapp · 15/05/2009 12:48

Ok here's my story.

I told my DP I loved him after a few months together (back in the mists of time), and he went all silent and funny. I instantly regretted it, and within a few weeks we split up as I realised we just didn't feel the same way about each other.

Two weeks after that he begged to have me back, and said he was sorry he just hadn't realised how he felt about me, but that being without me made him sure how he felt. After much discussion, we got back together.

It was great to be back together but it took him a further two weeks to say he loved me (the actual words), and he said it as he kissed me goodbye in the morning and I was still half asleep. We've been together 10 years now and he says it every day.

I don't know what the moral is - maybe that if you say it and he doesn't immediately say it back (which he may well not do, for any number of reasons), don't assume it's a write-off.

Some guys really struggle to say those words out loud, but once they've 'broken the seal' they can be as vocal and loving as anybody.

Anyway, your feelings shouldn't be a dirty secret. You can tell him how you feel, it's allowed!

RUNFORLOVE · 15/05/2009 12:53

i fell in love with my partner very quickly but i never told him for a long time and i am so glad i didnt, we dated on and off for two years - big gaps at times before he told me that he loved me. i told him i loved him near the end of our on and off dating, he looked shocked and told me he didnt feel that for me. i was devastated and we spilt. i backed off right away from him and he realised that he did love, i think i made it too easy for him to plod along accepting my love but not giving back, as soon as i took it away from him he lost all power.

he immediately told me he loved me and i got him good!

so basically hold back some of your love until he tells you, then give it all. you need to make him feel that he wants your love, if your giving it all now then theres nothing for him to win!

all the times we spilt was because he sensed that i did love him and it freaked him out because he was not ready, we met just after he came out of a long term relationship.

use your instinct, if you are not feeling the strong vibes from him then do not do it especially if its under 6 months together. men can take longer to accept how they feel inside and longer to get them out.

if you are feeling the same strong vibes from him and he makes really sweet comments to you then he will probably tell you first.

RUNFORLOVE · 15/05/2009 12:56

morriszapp - almost the same

but you can see from both of our stories that it helps to hold back and make them come forward for your love, dont make it too available to them and wear your heart on your sleeve.

its also quite off putting if someone is all too wet and leaves you no chase at all....

not saying you are, just speaking from experience with previous relationship.

Original poster

commeuneimage · 15/05/2009 18:39

these are really interesting points of view. I've been with him 7 months. I suppose I want to say it because I'm intrigued to know his reaction, because I want to be honest and because I feel it so strongly. He is very loving and has dropped hints and he did once murmur the magic words - but I didn't think it counted as it was at a particularly intimate moment... And we have both come out of very long-term relationships (15 and 20 years) so I don't want to push it.

I'm going to go for it and see what he says.

Thank you for your comments.

OP posts:

FabulousBakerGirl · 15/05/2009 18:40

Why would he think you had an agenda if you told him you loved him?

FabulousBakerGirl · 15/05/2009 18:41

To tell him to see what his reaction was is wrong imo.

HolyGuacamole · 15/05/2009 18:50

Oh good luck OP!!!

MagNacarta · 15/05/2009 20:07

Hey - I've just remembered what I did with dh - I said 'I think I'm falling in love'. A bit of a cop out, but it kind of made me feel that I was dipping my toe in the water rather than going in for a plunge. BTW he said 'me too'.

solidgoldSneezeLikeApig · 15/05/2009 20:11

A lot depends on whether you are the sort of people who say 'I love you' to work colleagues, friends and the cat, or if you really do attach some talismanic power to the words. I tend to say 'Oh I love you' to people who have just done me a favour or amused me in a very light way anyway.
As to whether he will think you have an agenda - do you? Or do you just want to express your appreciation and positive feelings to him? If it's the former, do it if you want but don't be too surprised if it doesn#t have the desired result, if it's the latter then go for it.

skihorse · 15/05/2009 20:35

Men are a funny species. I had a bad run with men and had been in a horrible relationship without love.

I told my current OH that I loved him and that if he didn't love me back then I wasn't hanging around - I was moving on. He got really embarassed and shy and said:

"I've never told a woman I loved her before, because it's GAY"

What the fucking fuck??? Telling your bird you love her is gay? IDIOT! Some of them have real difficulty with the words - doesn't mean they don't have the feeling.

ridingjoker · 15/05/2009 20:40

oh see now i'm a woman and i really struggle with those 3 words. just cant seem to get them out unless forced to. think alot of men feel the same.

gratefully i'm always the one who leaves the odd silence space when the man says it to me

i have been known to reply i do too just to pacify. but that might be wrong.

i always go for letting the man say it first.

which is back to the old chasing business mentionned earlier.

ilovespinach · 15/05/2009 21:07

I once told someone I loved them only to be told that they didn't believe in love I'm not saying that will happen to you OP.... we didn't last that much longer and I made a vow to myself never to say it first ever....

solidgoldSneezeLikeApig · 15/05/2009 22:15

Thing is, your feelings are your feelings. It's perfecly possible to love someone who doesn;t love you, and not entirely unreasonable to tell him/her how you feel. But if you think saying 'I love you' obliges the other person to
a) say it back
b) drop their pants
c) move in with or marry you
d) change some aspect of their behaviour that you don't approve of

Then you are onto a loser.

EvenBetaDad · 15/05/2009 22:17

commeuneimage - do you ever communicate by letter or emil or text?

Saying 'I love you' by these methods as an aside at the end of a communication does not put the person on the spot.

However, TBH I know he said it in an intimate moment but if you have another such intimate moment I suggest you just say it to him then. He might be disappointed you did not say it back to him last time and is now holding off.

EvenBetaDad · 15/05/2009 22:20

solidgold - good point. I do think blokes tend to think saying 'I love you' to a woman is akin to making a marriage proposal.

Which it is not of course.

BCNS · 15/05/2009 22:26

urmmm urrmmm I'm awful with this.. and i'm pretty guarded.. last person I said this to took me 3 years to tell him and even then I was drunk!

I wouldn't take that long ( i'd hope) the next time

FabulousBakerGirl · 16/05/2009 15:57

RUNFORLOVE - do you have a partner now?

RUNFORLOVE · 16/05/2009 20:48

FabulousBakerGirl - Yes I am with the guy I talked about.

He does not talk easy about his feelings and is SO indecisive so I guess he struggled with emotions early on in our relationship.

But I am so glad I never told him I loved him earlier on, he would have ran a mile. Most guys would if they were dating a girl after just coming out of a very serious and long term relationship.

But as soon as he told me he loved me he just opened up and felt comfortable.

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