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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Are you a wife or a mother first? I'm finding it difficult to be all things to everybody!!

51 replies

domesticallychallenged · 13/05/2009 10:12

DH and I are having issues it's fair to say! He told me last night that he feels I am so into being a mum I am neglecting him.

We do get on but having 3 children (the youngest is only 3 months old), nights of passion are at the bottom of my list as I am exhausted when I go to bed. I know he wants more sex but when we do have sex it's like the flood gates open and he wants it ALL the time!

And as I am finding it difficult to be a wife AND a mother I am wondering where on earth I can find time for me too! If I ever get a couple of hours when the children are asleep and I might have a chance to read a book or have a peaceful bath he makes me feel so guilty by not running upstairs and jumping on him in my finest lingerie!

OP posts:
slug · 13/05/2009 10:26

Point out to him he's being too much of a husband and not enough of a father? If he took care of the children more and helped out more around the house, you may well feel more rested and amenable to a bit of nooky.

If all else fails, put on a pair of steel capped boots and kick him repetedly between the legs for a couple of hours, then point out to him that that is what childbirth feels like and, after 3 months, you may not quite feel healed enough for rampant sex.

thesilverlining · 13/05/2009 10:28

ok please listen to him - my H kept telling me that he felt bottom of the pile and that the children always came first. I justified it by saying the kids are only tiny we have the rest of our lives to put ourselves first......he recently left us - just upped and walked out. He couldn't stand it anymore and his self esteem is rock bottom and its like hes been turned into stone.

WHatever you do try to spend a little time each day doing somethign nice for him - it might only be 10 mins but tbh it'll make him feel worth so much more. Men are simple creatures and rightly or wrongly they need more support and attention than we do. Whether thats conditioned or biological is for debate elsewhere but he asking you to spare a thought for him - please listen to him or else you will lose him like I lost mine - and trust me its hell.

Original poster
domesticallychallenged · 13/05/2009 10:30

Oh I am so sorry thesilverlining, that dreadful for you and your family. How on earth are you coping? That's really shocked me!

OP posts:
Supercherry · 13/05/2009 10:30

After 3 I would've thought he'd have been used to it by now.

Second what Slug says- get him to help ALOT more so you can have a rest and then maybe you will start to feel like sex again. Think the steel capped boot suggestion a little harsh however

WowOoo · 13/05/2009 10:31

I agree. I'm a mother first and try to be a good wife (nudge nudge) whenever I can muster up energy. Him too, father first then my wifely needs are met!

Yep, you need time to yourself too. So imnportant to make you feel good, rested and like a little bit of your old life is back.

Wish we could get babysitter more often. And a cleaner and a nanny and a gardener and a cook and...Will shut up now!

thesilverlining · 13/05/2009 10:32

re the sex thing - you can enjoy eachother in other ways - it doesn;t need to be penetrative.

My H just wanted the occasional BJ - and I was always too tired. Looking back I realise it wouldn't have killed me to do the odd 10 mins that he needed.......

WowOoo · 13/05/2009 10:32

Silver, sorry to hear your situation. Horrible.
Not all men are the same though.

Original poster
domesticallychallenged · 13/05/2009 10:33

Is there any chance you can get back together or is it definitely over?

OP posts:
OrmIrian · 13/05/2009 10:33

Mother.

Dh is an adult, he can cope with not coming first. I married a grown-up man, not a needy child. And if he's in it for the long-haul he knows it's only for a few years.

thesilverlining · 13/05/2009 10:34

domesticallychallenged - I'm not suggesting your DH is going to walk out on you don't panic! But I have learned some harsh lessons these past few months - I am strong independant and have always put my children first. Now I realise that compromise wouldn't have killed me - and look at my kids now - they have no daddy around so letting them fend for themselves for the odd 5 mins so I could snuggle on the sofa wiht hubby or make him a cuppa and a slice of cake would have been worth it

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 13/05/2009 10:34

Is it you who's husband was moaning about the dust or have I mixed you up with someone else?

If he wants sex then he needs to help out with the kids more so that you get some time to yourself. 3 months post birth isn't very long really, I think he's being quite unfair.

OrmIrian · 13/05/2009 10:34

And OP your DH sounds like a selfish arse ! You both decided to have children.

Original poster
domesticallychallenged · 13/05/2009 10:36

I started this thread yesterday - as I said, we are having issues!!!

OP posts:
muffle · 13/05/2009 10:37

I'm not a wife (or partner in my case) or a mother first - I think I'm me first. I do spend a lot of time on DS and DP but also on myself, and I need time alone. Luckily I get it when I'm at work, but also I have hobbies that I do in the evenings. That makes me a lot calmer and better at being caring and giving at other times, I think.

I know it's much harder with 3 and I would say when I had a newborn, I was a mother first. I agree that your DH needs to do an equal amount of the work when you are both at home. You could do a deal with him and make a date when you will spend time together - for sex if that's what you want too - and his part of the bargain is that he will do an equal share so that you are not tired. If you are caring for 3 children and his going out to work, you are both working hard all day and you need to share the tasks at home.

As a longer-term project, for when your youngest is sleeping through, build in time for yourself doing only what YOU want to do. It's important, and IME it's good for your relationship. And explain that to DH.

Lizzylou · 13/05/2009 10:37

I suppose we are both parents first, it has to be a team effort. Then we are Wife/Husband.
We do make time for each other, where we can.

OrmIrian · 13/05/2009 10:39

Yes to time for yourself. I'd be hopeless as both (wife and mother) if I didn't get head space.

Supercherry · 13/05/2009 10:40

Silverlining please don't blame yourself because you married a man who thinks it's acceptable to desert his family and put his own needs first.

To answer the OP's original question, I am a mother first too and that's the way it should be IMO, especially when the children are so young.

solidgoldSneezeLikeApig · 13/05/2009 10:41

SIlverlining: and what did your H do for you before he walked out? Men who leave for the sort of reasons he describes are actually men youre better off without in the long run: they don;t think women are 'people', they just expect to be serviced.
Domestically Challenged: the key to you having any interest in a sex life again is you having time to yourself every week, to feel like yourself not wife or mother. Men who do nothing round the house or with the children but expect sex, turn sex into another chore which their partners will actively avoid. Men who pull their weight domestically get more sex.

StarlightMcKenzie · 13/05/2009 10:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

thesilverlining · 13/05/2009 11:11

solidgold - got me through a horrendous pregnancy (hyperemesis, SPD and hormone central) and the first 12 months of me feeling unnattractive and hormonal and generally being an utter bitch........HOWEVER - I am annoyed he didn;t hang in there a few more weeks as I did explain to him that the first 12 months would be hell but I would start being myself again almost overnight when we get to the end of the 12 months....but he bailed before seeing that sadly

domestically challenged - I am off to read your other thread see if there is enlightenment there - it could be that your DH is just an arse.......but I think its impiortant to not jump on the bandwagon of "men should understand x,y,z" - cos alot of the time bless em they just don't.....

Sazisi · 13/05/2009 11:21

I'm sorry but I think your DH is being a selfish, childish ARSE.
He feels your neglecting him? You have a 3m baby ffs
His role as a father and husband should include being supportive to you.
I had a peek at your other thread and I think he's being overly-critical and undermining and I'm very annoyed on your behalf

LibrasBiscuitsOfFortune · 13/05/2009 11:32

silver/domestic I am just going to repeat what muffle said, I see myself as neither a wife nor a mother FIRST, they are just pieces of a whole. The problem is your lazy arsed husbands who can't see past the wife/mother thing and see you as an INDIVIDUAL rather than an automaton.

solidgoldSneezeLikeApig · 13/05/2009 11:58

Bear in mind that every single one of you is a person first and foremost. Unfortunately women are still encouraged to see themselves as appendages, as beings who exist only in relation to other people (wife, mother). Yes, when you have yong children you need to see that their needs are met, but you also need to make sure that your needs are met, that you are fed and rested and that you have time off from childcare every week. Even when they are little. Oh, and that the time off from childcare isn't spent having sex unless that's what you really want, because taking time out from servicing children in order to service a man is not time off.

nikki1978 · 13/05/2009 11:59

Hmmm... well I am torn on this one. My DH is just as important to me as my kids and I do love spending time with him but I don't see it as a duty that I must fulfill we both spend time and make effort for each other as we want to and it just comes naturally. Young kids are hard work and you should be teaming up to look after them - does he do his fair share of childcare and housework or does he expect you to do everything and then be the perfect wife to him? It depends on the situation I suppose. If you are very involved with your kids and don't pay much attention to each other when they are in bed then he may have a right to be annoyed but then again it would be his fault too! Sex wise I don't think it should be a chore (don't get me wrong every now and then I give DH a quick blow or hand job when I am not in the mood!). If you are tired then maybe you are not getting enough of a break or help with the kids and he needs to step up. I make sure I get all my stuff done during the day so DH and I always have the hours of 7.30pm till bedtime together. We just sit on the sofa and chat and watch TV (sometimes I read). Just being together is the important thing. The sex thing is obviously a problem for him so you need to talk about it and make things work for you both (i.e. he needs to realise you are a woman and not a machine and you have to acknowledge his need for sex). There must be a middle ground. Any chance of you getting an evening off every now and then from the kids to spend together? I know it is hard with a 3 month old but even a couple of hours out at dinner will help you reconnect which is what I think you need to do.

Jux · 13/05/2009 12:00

Your dh is being a twat. I've read some of the other thread too, and he really is being obnoxious; helping out at bath and bedtime is not a chore it is part of having children and one of the things a father can do, particularly when a mother is bf.

My dh's best mate had two kids, he found it utterly exhausting to have to read to them at bedtime and help with baths. He gradually cut down on the amount he did with the kids and around the house as he felt hard-done-by having to do anything other than go to work. The result was that everything went off the rails - he 'woke up' when the kids were in their early teen and realised he didn't know them at all. He didn't know his wife any more either. Needless to say, very acrimonious divorce followed very quickly. (Wife dumped him btw, was only waiting for the kids to be 'old enough'.)

Nip this in the bud before he gets worse.