Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Are you a wife or a mother first? I'm finding it difficult to be all things to everybody!!

51 replies

domesticallychallenged · 13/05/2009 10:12

DH and I are having issues it's fair to say! He told me last night that he feels I am so into being a mum I am neglecting him.

We do get on but having 3 children (the youngest is only 3 months old), nights of passion are at the bottom of my list as I am exhausted when I go to bed. I know he wants more sex but when we do have sex it's like the flood gates open and he wants it ALL the time!

And as I am finding it difficult to be a wife AND a mother I am wondering where on earth I can find time for me too! If I ever get a couple of hours when the children are asleep and I might have a chance to read a book or have a peaceful bath he makes me feel so guilty by not running upstairs and jumping on him in my finest lingerie!

OP posts:

poshsinglemum · 13/05/2009 14:42

Silver -I'm sorry that this happened to you. In my opinion your ex is a fucktard for leaving yoou. You had three small children fgs. Why should you service him to keep him? He should have rode out the hard times and helped you out a bit more. Things will get easier- then you will realise that you deserve better. It wasn't your fault.

reallylostitnow · 13/05/2009 14:55

i am a mother first. if my dh wanted me to be anything else i'd query my choice of man. he is an adult, he can understand that kids come first. Also if he helped you out a bit more, you'd be less tired and want to have sex more. i can't understand these men who think that after watching their dearly beloved slave over the children adn all things domestic for months, years, they still think they deserve sex. wel lactually, they don't. also i hate the idea that sex is something for the women to allow the men to have, rater than something both parties have an equal interest in.

a good tip though ( did this and it worked!)- if you can muster up enogh enerfgy (think long term, not short term with this), demand sex every single night, keep it going for as long as you can bear it, he will ecentually realise its ok, he can handle a night off. or maybe i am just seriously unsexy!!
good luck anyway x

Laquitar · 13/05/2009 16:50

I am both. I don't see why i have to be one of this first. Yes my children are very important but so is my husband (and me to him). And - i am going to be flamed for saying this- i think sex is very important and if one partner wants it and the other does not then yes he will feel rejected. There are many things you can do: share the housework, buy takeaways, cook and freeze, hire a cleaner if can afford it, reduce work hours and economize more... anything really but keep some time as a couple. All this 'we are just parents' and 'there is no sex after children' is very depressing.

OrmIrian · 13/05/2009 17:05

I don't think anyone said 'we are just parents' did they?

Laquitar · 13/05/2009 17:07

Not here. But i hear this phrase many times in RL

cory · 13/05/2009 17:53

I don't get this "bless'em" attitude when it comes to men. It may be that I have a blinkered attitude to life, but the husbands and fathers I have come across- my own dh, my Dad etc- are adults. I would find it extremely patronising to suggest that they are simple creatures or that they need more time and attention. The men in my life wouldn't thank me for suggesting that they are incapable of pulling their weight.

cory · 13/05/2009 17:54

That is not to say that dh doesn't need attention. But he doesn't need attention on a different level from me. We are both adults, both working together, if I am exhausted then he's not going to be exactly rested either.

hmmSleep · 13/05/2009 18:07

I'm a mother first and dh is a father first, and neither of us would want it any other way.

Our dcs are the most important thing in the world to us, and yes we both agree we love them more than we do each other, (and we do love each other very much )

If I felt dh was putting me before the dcs I'd be horrified, as would he vice versa.

Having said that I'm sure he wouldn't say no to a lttle more attention if you get my drift , but not at the expense of the dcs.

norksinmywaistband · 13/05/2009 18:18

Sadly, very similar to Silverlining here.
I saw myself as a mother first, then a wife, I came bottom of the pile.
Dh couldn't hack his loss of place in my attention, and walked out 3 months ago.
He now wants to come back having reassessed the situation(read, realised how much I f*ing did for him)

I however have also spent the past 3 months reassessing. - From now on I come first, As if I am not happy, noone else will be.

thesilverlining · 13/05/2009 18:26

norks thanks for sharing that with us - made me think have to say....

halia · 13/05/2009 18:57

Me first, and its a toss up about the other stuff. probably a mum first because I HAVE to be not because I chose to be. DS is 4 - he NEEDS me, DH is 45 he WANTS me.
After DS needs are met I'm a partner before I'm a mum and I'm perfectly happy to outsource some of DS needs to get time for DH and me.

But I hate the thought of being "mrs X" or "X's mum".
I need and want myself so that is definitly top of my pile by a long way.

If DH wanted a 'wife' he would have chosen a VERY different type of woman to marry!

solidgoldSneezeLikeApig · 14/05/2009 00:07

I wonder how many men worry about whether they are father first or partner first? I'm afraid, wicked old ball-biter that I am, that I find it hard to imagine very many men thinking in these terms instead thinking of themselves as people and devoting the majority of their headspace to their friends/work/hobbies unless there is a particular crisis going on within their domestic setup.

TheFallenMadonna · 14/05/2009 00:13

Wife and mother are aspects of my identity. I am neither to the exclusion of the other or 'myself'. They are myself.

Which aspect of my identity is to the fore depends on the situation.

I think it would be difficult for my relationship with my DH if 'more mother than wife' were part of my identity. Does that make sense?

mrsblanc · 14/05/2009 00:27

neither. Im me first. I was born me way in advance of being a wife or mother

FrankMustard · 14/05/2009 00:32

Between hours of 6am and 8pm I am mother, with a short stint at naptime of being wife if dh home for lunch then after dcs in bed, I am wife - but I try and remain "me" throughout...although I seem to be the only bugger in my house who realises that there IS a "me".
At weekends, I alternate in identities and can frequently be found calling dh "daddy" even if dcs aren't anywhere within earshot .

Tortington · 14/05/2009 01:20

i am a mother first and i always will be.

i have skimmed this thread so i apologise if this has been mentioned ....but...what the fuck is with the 'good wife has sex' shit and the undertone that its ok not to have sex - AND sex is a chore?

sometimes you don't want to - fair enough - but fkinell 30 - 45 mins 2 times a week isn't asking the world - treat yourselves to a shag

its not like you have to block out regular 2 -3 hour sessions.

and it saddens me - nay - nay - pisses me right off, that this prevailing attitude amonst women is thown around - the attitude thats its a chore and its a bore - oh if i have to - lie back and think of england and all that shit - i'd rather have a bath, i'd rather watch corrie. id rather eat choccies....really well theres something wrong if you do

either he can't shag - or you have never had an orgasm

because i'd rather have an orgasm over having a bath

wtf - take conrol of your sex and enjoy a good fuck

theres nothing wrong with that.

sandcastles · 14/05/2009 04:18

I don't get all this having to be 'mum/wife/me'

Agree with Fallen, they are asects of my identity, but I am not soley one or the other. Or more of one than the other.

If the Q was to the men, I think my dh would say he was husband first, then father. Not sure why, that is just the feeling I get.

But I have to say that he isn't actually doing a great job of either at the moment, but that's a seperate thread.

thesilver..I am so sorry for you. But I am also sorry that you feel his leaving was your fault. You feel that if you had just had time to blow him, make him cake & tea he would have stayed (ok, I know it isn't that simplistic)..? That is just so wrong. As I say, me & dh are having issues right now, but we are working through them. It would be easy for him to walk out, he has a place to stay, etc. But he chooses to stay because we are his family & he understands what our difficulties are & why we have them.

If I had to blow him to assure he didn't leave, doesn't say much for our family & history together, does it?

nooka · 14/05/2009 06:41

I think if you get too into a mother and no other role then your relationship will suffer. I shouldn't have to be either or, or at least not all the time. If you totally change personality and reject your dh once you have children then they will be very sad, and they will find it difficult to understand unless they know other new fathers and are able to talk to them about it (ie it's not just me and my wife that have these problems). I know that I resented and rejected my dh when my children were small, and to be honest he was a great and very hands on dad. Some of that rejection was quite conscious, and the sexual rejection was entirely because I was worried that by saying yes once or by being open to even cuddles there would be demands all the time, which was totally nuts because actually I enjoy sex most of the time, so I don't really know why I turned it into such a terrible thing. Maybe I was worried about letting down my barriers, I'm not sure. As I didn't actually talk to dh about my feelings I had no way of knowing whether this was actually true or not. In any case it was incredibly destructive and we were both very unhappy for several years.

So I would say talk to your dh. Don't assume he knows how you feel or that you know how he feels. Reassure him that you love him and find him attractive. Let him know what help you need. Negotiate between you how he can make your life easier. Make sure that you have time together and that you have some time on your own too (I totally understand the wish for a book or a bath - I like both ). Acknowledge that for the moment things will be tough, but that it's not forever - maybe make a forward plan for a holiday or short time away together to look forward to.

I really think that making sure you have time each day just to be nice to each other is very important. Relationships that aren't fed can really easily wither away.

JJsandcat · 14/05/2009 06:56

Had to laugh at Custie's wording. I would rather have an orgasm than chocolate I agree

Nooka, your first few sentences have struck a cord. I think it's very, very true that the relationship suffers and it's especially hard if your DH has no other new Dads around him because he would see it's just the way things are with a young baby and especially if it's 3 all together. I mean, HELLO! 3 small dc, go make yourself useful instead of moaning about not getting it large...

Having said that, my DH is EXACTLY the same. I have not found a solution though it's not sex or anything quite o easily rectifiable. He feels he's not #1 anymore and is jealous (?) of the baby. Sigh...not much I can do. He can feed himself, dress and wash himself and wipe his own bum. My daughter can't do any of that. So...

I think you have to see the big picture and lessen your demands for a few years, they're not going to be tiny forever. What are a few years' sacrificed for the joy your dc bring when they go their own ways and you look on with pride.

ThingOne · 14/05/2009 07:39

My DH and I both consider we are parents first. Not to the exclusion of all else. Our DS2 is just three and both wake hideously early on a regular basis. Our exhaustion governs our priorities.

We keep hoping we're moving on from this stage and then the little darlings wake up before five several days in a row zzzzz.

nooka · 14/05/2009 07:56

Yes I think it is easy to forget the impact of sleep deprivation in all of this. None of us are at our best without a good night's sleep and a bit of personal space, both of which really suffer with babies.

MmeLindt · 14/05/2009 08:02

I am ME first.

It is easy to lose yourself in the first hectic years of parenting. I almost did.

Last year I had a real wake up call when DH started telling me how unhappy he was. I took me a long time (and several threads similar to this one) before I really understood the problem.

Somewhere in the last couple of years I got so caught up in being a mother that I neglected myself and in doing that I neglected our relationship too.

The first step was to book a weekend away, without kids, it was so relaxing and fun. We did get out of bed to do some sightseeing but we had more sex in that weekend that we had in some months previously.

I am trying to lose weight, looking for a parttime job and getting better at keeping the house in order, these were big issues for us. This makes me more self confident which of course makes me more likely to initiate sex (or want it when he does).

It is about self confidence and being able to say, "bugger everyone else, I am doing xx today". And about putting CBeebies on on Sunday afternoon and locking the bedroom door

Saying all of that, the OP's situation is very different as you still have a young baby. It takes time to get back into the swing of things, and tbh, I don't think that we had sex at all in the first 3 months after DS's birth.

Domesticallychallenged
I think that your DH is being unfair and too hasty, your baby is only 3 months old. Your thread yesterday made me think that he is a bit worried about you hence the suggestion that your mum help while he is away. I think that he put it very badly and you should tell him this. You need him to help build up your confidence, not knock it down.

halia · 14/05/2009 08:08

2sometimes you don't want to - fair enough - but fkinell 30 - 45 mins 2 times a week isn't asking the world - treat yourselves to a shag

its not like you have to block out regular 2 -3 hour sessions."

yeah well in this household thats exactly how much time i have to block out - and believe me I have 'tried' to talk to DH about the fact that he/we would get more if we did 'quickies' (anything under 30 minutes is a quicky ot him)

and tbh with a DS who sleeps very little still (and 4 yrs backlog of not sleeping) finding 2-3 hrs is a nightmare and frankly i'd rather get 2 hrs more sleep.

LibrasBiscuitsOfFortune · 14/05/2009 08:09

What's he doing for 3 hours?

MmeLindt · 14/05/2009 08:11

God, 3 hours. He would have to finish without me. I would be asleep after 45 mins.

Flip

1 2 3