What to do, can I do anything? Advice really appreciated

[Pinkfox]

Ok, will try and keep it short, my husband left 3 months ago, things not good between us, both unhappy (although he now denies this), I couldnt carry on as we were, he moved out to his parents. We have two DC who live in the FMH with me (under the age of 5). I have continued to look after DC, pay mortgage, bills, etc and run house and work. We arranged that he would collect children from childcare on the days I work (2 days) and I would collect DC from him on my way home from work. He also wanted them one night overnight at weekend which we agreed.

Money has been an issue, he has paid me £400 since he left (equates to £36 per week!). I have also had to ASK for this and he has not been happily willing to give this. No financial help towards childcare costs, mortgage, etc, but thats fine, I can manage and have done (which I think pees him off).

In last few weeks my FIL has been ill and died due to illness, all very sudden and devastating for all concerned. As ex is living at parents he was involved round the clock and all previous childcare arrangements were put to one side - which I understood (although two young children dont understand I kept things ticking for them).

For about 4-5 weeks now he has had children as and when, 2 hours here, 4 hours there, not overnight for 4 weeks, tells me he will bring back at a certain time and either bring them back 2 hours before or 2 hours later (no phone call or text to let me know).

A situation arose whereby my DD couldnt be in school and he looked after her, taking her back to FMH - he still has keys, still lets himself in as and when he pleases, etc (p*sses me off but he is legally entitled I know this). So he took DD back to FMH, I rang to check she was ok, conversation turned to him saying I was ill, he has "decided" I am bi polar, told me he is taking things from the house and then he will burn it down, im in work at the time, he is at MY house with DD, I put phone down so conversation couldnt get worse.

He rang me back 5 minutes later asking what was wrong with me?!?!?! I told him not to speak in front of DD and I put phone down again. On returning home he was there with DC, then left 5 minutes after I arrived saying we needed to talk, I arrranged to meet with him one day to talk about things - after he had left I realised he had taken things from the house, electrical items mainly - he hadnt told me or asked, when I rang him he simply said very smugly "they are mine" - which is actually not 100% true, they were purchased on credit cards in my name or with Paypal in my name on my credit card. I asked what the children were supposed to watch now and he said "put a dvd on in their bedroom" - how nice.

Question is, I know he is "legally" allowed to have a key and access to house, but is he allowed to remove things from the house? I have asked him to be reasonable about coming to the house, ie by arrangement, etc, I have to put the latch on when im home alone "just in case" he turns up, I could be in bath or dressing, etc. Its all very unsettling, unerving and im not comfortable or happy with it and the more I ask him to be reasonable the more he knows its p*sses me off so he is unreasonable.

I dont know where to start or what to do, we are waiting for mediation but they have just offered an appointment in 3 weeks, and thats just the first joint meeting - I cant wait that long!!!!

HELP

I'm not too sure he is 'legally' allowed to come and go as he pleases when he doesn't live there anymore. I would definately check with a solicitor or CAB on that one.

Don't really know, but I would have thought if the items he's taken were bought by you using your card/account then he's nicked them. You can call the police.

I told him I would ring the police if he did take things and thats when he said he would burn the f*cking house down - he is very dark sometimes and im not sure what he is capable of, I was worried cos he had DD.

I am contacting solicitor now to try and get some advice this week.

So he has stolen from you and threatened you. You don't feel safe with him and you are afraid for your daughter safety when she is with him. I would go down to the police station and have a chat with the domestic violence team.

i would suggest you rise above it - they are only 'things' and he is doing it to hurt you. I dont think he has a legal right to come and go regardless whos name is on the mortgage. Do get some legal advice - this does not mean going for divorce but you do need to put some ground rules in place wrt to money and contact ect.

I think you have the right to change the locks acually but do check. It is surely polite to ask before you enter someones house.

It sounds as if he is hurting and fighting back the only way he knows how at the moment.

Had a friend in similar and she did change the locks.She had to really not sure what the position is with that legally but she certainly had no comeback and they are now divorced.

I think you are wanting to have your cake and eat it, to be blunt.

Is this a jointly owned home with a joint mortage? If so, your H has a right to come and go as he wants- and all the items in it are JOINTLY owned- irrespective of who bought what on whose cards- in law, you are married (I assume) so what is yours is his, and vice versa.

It might be inconsiderate of him, but I don't think it is stealing.

I also wonder how you can manage to pay a mortgage and all your bills on 2 days a week work? Must be a well paid job!

He may have moved out, but unless you have a legal separation, or have issued a petition for a divorce, then he has a right to come to HIS home when he wants. You might find yourself on the wrong side of the lawif you refuse him entry.

Why don't you go to mediation to sort it al out, or take steps to make things more official?

HTTM i think you are reading a differnet post to me.£36 a week and threats to burn the house down!!!!!thats not what I would cakk having your cake and eating it

call even

Hang on - if he told you "he is taking things from the house and then he will burn it down" while DD was in his care and if you're "not sure what he is capable of" then why didn't you call the police?

You should contact them immediately regarding both this and the theft and not be letting him see DD unsupervised.

NH What I mean is that one half of a couple can't suddenly decide that the home belongs to them exclusively.

I KNOW he was the one to leave, but it appears to have been a mutual decision. The obvious answer is to make the separation legal, in some way, and to come to some proper agreement if poss over finances.

His taking things from the house is no more theft than the OP living there and refusing him entry when it is a jointly owned home.

as for his words- temper outburst and not provable in law. Get a grip!

yeah ok I'll get a grip then .i think if someone walks out doesn't do their share of childcare or finances and makes these sort of threats they deserve to be permanently excluded from the home.He sounds a nightmare

He sounds pretty intimidating. I agree with whoever said you should talk to the DV unit: he has made threats and been verbally abusive.
HTTM he's not paying anything toward the home, and he no longer lives there, which rather reduces his right to waltz in whenever he pleases.

howto wow what a post - I work 2 and a half days a week can pay my mortgage and all my bills - yes I have a good job which I have worked very very hard for - I also have a relatively small mortgage - FWIW I am a GP!!

OP so sorry I have the same problem I am afraid - you are right if house is in his name as well he does have right to come and go - my very expensive solicitor tells me so I undrstand how very hard it is to set boundaries and get them to abide by it mine still doesnt and gets aggressive when I leave key in the door so he has to ring the bell!!

I have been unable to get my STXH to be reasonable and we are about to start mediation next week, am hoping this will show him quite how unreasonable he is being and set some firm boundaries!!

Its not easy though sympathy !

OK, I had some advice on this, as it applies to my situation too.

If house is in joint name, legally he COULD come and go as he pleases and ask police to help him break in.

You could add an extra lock to the door- I added a mortice lock, which cost £25 + labour of one hour = £105 in total. Which I didnt give H key to. I did it, and have had no come back as H knows if he kicked up a fuss, I would go down the route of getting injunction against him because of his behaviour. He doesnt want me to go there and neither do I. But I'm not being intimidated into letting him come and go as he pleases when he is so aggressive towards me.

Given that he removed items without your permission, you need to sort this out later in court/through solicitors and getting process started. You can prove they were bought on your credit crd etc, and that he did not buy them. They are therefore shared items or bought by you, so that amount will be taken off of his share later on. You cant do anything about it now. You do need to get onto the CSA or get solicitors advice on how you get maintanence payments out of him, as he should be paying to support your DC.

I would add a lock to the door, or change the locks.

It doesnt matter that he made the threats in anger or verbally, you need to talk to the Police or Domestic violence outreach worker in your area. It is emotional abuse & threat of voilence (burning your house down??!), and you can get two orders if need be...

1. Occupation order- meaning you and DC are entitled to live in that house. Despite it being in joint names, the fact he is threatening you and making you not feel safe in your own home is enough. He cant then come and go as he pleases.
2. Injunction against him, if he harrasses you that means police could arrest him if he does it again.

The DV worker will give you lots of support and advice.

I also think it is worth talking to police who are used to dealing with this kind of stuff, they will visit/arrest him and talk quite sternly to him, and it might be enough to make him back off. Keep any emails or texts or get someone to listen in on your calls if you can to give evidence later on.

The key is you have to tell someone official what he is saying and doing, and you risk flaring him up and causing a problem in your relationship as co-parents.
But he is doing that anyway by threatenning you and behaving like that. He is not being a nice dad to remove items that DC are using.

Yes, he is behaving badly by refusing to respect boundaries, intimidating the OP and removing the children's belongings from the house. Talk to the DV unit.

Ask your solicitor to get an injunction to keep him out of the house and stop removing items, if you are afraid of him and he is taking items without consulting you this should be quite straightforward.

What I fail to understand , is how you can go from being a couple with presumably joint finances, to a couple behaving like this, in 10 weeks or thereabouts.

Do you have a joint account? How are your financial transactions set up? If they are all in your name and coming out of your account, that's one thing- if they are not, then that's another.

MacD- I too have worked very hard to get where I am with my career, but not being a GP on over £100K a year, my 3 days a week would not pay our mortgage of roughly £1K a month, plus bills!

SG - he might not be paying anything for the monet, but I doubt if in law that means he no-longer jointly owns the house, nor has recinded the right to come and go as he wants.

Going back to the OP< maybe you both need to have a grown-up conversation over money and what to do next with your marriage or divorce.

Thanks for taking the time to reply, I appreciate it.

I also cant understand how we have come to this over a matter of 12 weeks, BUT the problems in our relationship were building over about 18 months to 2 years, we kept trying to work them out, talked, got nowhere and eventually it came to this, it couldnt be resolved and I refuse to live in an unhappy home, it was affecting my DC.

We did have joint finances, or so I thought, half the problems came from him lying about finances, keeping secrets from me about finances, I did post at the time about it all, that was just "some" of the issues, it was worse but thats a brief outline!

All bills are being paid in my name, out of an account in my name, which I am managing, somehow, by the skin of my teeth and getting by. Am actually quite proud of the fact that I CAN and AM able to keep things going, not easy, in fact very hard some days esp with everything else which has been going on.

He has given me two cash payments of 200, so I dont know when or if to expect the next one??

He has been at the house today, fine, he needed clothes for the children (due to the fact he changed the arrangements AGAIN but hey). Still doesnt make sense why that involved him going in my underwear draw - I had set a little thing up so I KNEW if my drawers (no pun!) had been opened and sure enough when I got home, they had been - no reason for him to have gone in the bedroom, DC have a bedroom each, but still this is why I feel so invaded and uncomfy because I KNOW he is going through MY personal things.

We are speaking soon about things, but although not "scared" as such of him, I am scared of his reaction and what it will lead to, he already threatens often that he is moving back in "because he can" - no regard for how that would affect the DC or us as people. I have also contacted solicitors today because I am no longer prepared to be in this limbo which is my life. I was under his controlling and manipulating behaviour for many years, I have come this far, I need to get it sorted.

He also laughs and says I am mad if I mention contacting the police because his behaviour is not acceptable, I really was scared when he made the threats but also I can see this happening every time I am not at home and he lets himself in, he can ring me and threaten all sorts and I have no power to stop him.

pinkfox, if the items taken were purchased by yourself, to which you have a receipt - then he has committed theft. this is a indictable offence. so report this to the police.

if you feel at all threatened by his behaviour, i.e, apprehend violence (either physically or mentally) then you can also report this to the police.

you are being very strong through all this, and deserves to have some sort of closure.

if the fmh is in joint names seek to transfer the name on the deed via the mortgage company. this does incur a fee, liable to the transferee.

unfortunately, re maintenance, although you have a casual arrangement with him, this does sound verbal only, which is difficult to prove in law - it may be best to either get some sort of arrangement written down, or contact a solicitor to do this. you may be eligible for legal aid so check this out. usually advice via a solicitor is free of charge.

also, in terms of child access, this is also casual at the moment, and does need to be officially decided.

if it was me, i would be adamant that contact was limited to convenient, pre arranged times. he does not sound stable if he is threatening to burn down the house.

you may be able to take these posts and use them in any official capacity, although this is at the discretion of all parties, to support your case, especially if they detail aspects of violence/ unreasonable behaviour.

good luck.

HTTM: why do you find it so hard to understand that an abusive person forfeits the right to live in the family home? It's not difficult to comprehend: the OP and her children have a right to live without being afraid of a manipulative bully.

i totally agree with you sgslap, unfortunately the law does not always follow morality and common sense, so its best to find a way round it (lol).

im sure httm didn't mean to sound like that, maybe she didn't read the post properly, or misunderstood, after all we don't know the ins and outs of the situation fully, just whats in the op and subsequent posts by the op.

lets not start a disagreement here.

Howto - you have clearly never been in an abusive relationship, it really is not as easy as you seem to think to disengage and be amicable!!
No matter how much you try the men can be irrational unreasonable and abusive in the extreme!!

And FWIW - I wasnt implying that you didnt work very hard, but I earn far far far less than £100K a year (as do most GP's unless you read the Daily Mail), my mortgage is about half of yours, and I live pretty frugally and within my means, no holidays for well over a year now,but I choose to work part time so I can rather spend time with my DC, my point was it is possible to live on 2 and a half days income!

Actually just reread howtos post - in sort fuck right off howto!!!!!!!!!
"have agrown up conversation" - how fucking nasty and patronising and totally ignorant of how abusive men work
You come and have a grown up conversation with my XH, I bloody defy you to, I have been trying to for 3 years (and most of my marriage before that)!!