What to do, can I do anything? Advice really appreciated

[Pinkfox]

Ok, will try and keep it short, my husband left 3 months ago, things not good between us, both unhappy (although he now denies this), I couldnt carry on as we were, he moved out to his parents. We have two DC who live in the FMH with me (under the age of 5). I have continued to look after DC, pay mortgage, bills, etc and run house and work. We arranged that he would collect children from childcare on the days I work (2 days) and I would collect DC from him on my way home from work. He also wanted them one night overnight at weekend which we agreed.

Money has been an issue, he has paid me £400 since he left (equates to £36 per week!). I have also had to ASK for this and he has not been happily willing to give this. No financial help towards childcare costs, mortgage, etc, but thats fine, I can manage and have done (which I think pees him off).

In last few weeks my FIL has been ill and died due to illness, all very sudden and devastating for all concerned. As ex is living at parents he was involved round the clock and all previous childcare arrangements were put to one side - which I understood (although two young children dont understand I kept things ticking for them).

For about 4-5 weeks now he has had children as and when, 2 hours here, 4 hours there, not overnight for 4 weeks, tells me he will bring back at a certain time and either bring them back 2 hours before or 2 hours later (no phone call or text to let me know).

A situation arose whereby my DD couldnt be in school and he looked after her, taking her back to FMH - he still has keys, still lets himself in as and when he pleases, etc (p*sses me off but he is legally entitled I know this). So he took DD back to FMH, I rang to check she was ok, conversation turned to him saying I was ill, he has "decided" I am bi polar, told me he is taking things from the house and then he will burn it down, im in work at the time, he is at MY house with DD, I put phone down so conversation couldnt get worse.

He rang me back 5 minutes later asking what was wrong with me?!?!?! I told him not to speak in front of DD and I put phone down again. On returning home he was there with DC, then left 5 minutes after I arrived saying we needed to talk, I arrranged to meet with him one day to talk about things - after he had left I realised he had taken things from the house, electrical items mainly - he hadnt told me or asked, when I rang him he simply said very smugly "they are mine" - which is actually not 100% true, they were purchased on credit cards in my name or with Paypal in my name on my credit card. I asked what the children were supposed to watch now and he said "put a dvd on in their bedroom" - how nice.

Question is, I know he is "legally" allowed to have a key and access to house, but is he allowed to remove things from the house? I have asked him to be reasonable about coming to the house, ie by arrangement, etc, I have to put the latch on when im home alone "just in case" he turns up, I could be in bath or dressing, etc. Its all very unsettling, unerving and im not comfortable or happy with it and the more I ask him to be reasonable the more he knows its p*sses me off so he is unreasonable.

I dont know where to start or what to do, we are waiting for mediation but they have just offered an appointment in 3 weeks, and thats just the first joint meeting - I cant wait that long!!!!

HELP

MACD- rather ironic that you tell me to F... off, then go on to say YOU were the subject of abuse. MAybe you should try being more polite, even if you disagree with someone.

YOU are coming at this from YOUR experiences, and I am coming at it from mine, of which you know nothing, but are jumping to all kinds of assumptions.

The OP separation seems pretty recent- maybe no more than 3 months? On that basis, I was suggesting that they got together and tried to talk over financial arrangements. There is no evidence in her post that they have tried to do this, or that she has taken legal advice. Her DH appears to be issuing threats, which may have been said in temper, over the phone, and taking a few possessions jointly owned, but there is no evidence of abuse.

I did not say you earned £100K- what I DID say that half a GP's salary is a lot more than most professionals earn ( excluding the legal profession), and I KNOW how much the average GP earns - the figures are there for everyine to see.

I don't begrudge you a penny of it, althought you seem to feel the need to defend yourself rather fiercely. You do seem to forget that you are in a minority with that kind of income, and that many Mums ( not myself) work for £5 an hour in shops and supermarkets, and don't have the option of working P/T for whatever reason.

I am not remotely envious of you, but for the record, I live in the SE, and property is very expensive, we have 2 DCS who are in Higher Ed to support, and my income as a fellow professional, would never be anywhere near what a dr earns, part time or full time.
Like you, we have not holidayed abroad for over 10 years, and I worked P/T in order to be with my DCs.

Howto you must be able to see the rality of what pinkfox is experiencing.You are being obnoxious for teh sake of it.Or you're a man...

noddy- just because someone says something different from what YOU think doesn't mean you have to choose to be abusive to that person. It is quite possible to differ in your opinion and remain polite and civilised.

The thing is with HTTM is she does seem to be of the opinion that women should suck up all kinds of shit from men because it's compulsory for women to be in a relationship and a single woman is a freak or a failure.

Howto I find you intensely obnoxious but that your problem not mine!

Would be interested where you think the numbers are for all to see - if you mean the Daily Mail well then hahahahaha!
You sound compltetely envious to me but again your problem not mine!!

OP sound slike she is in a very emotionally abusive relationship, unless you can say you have either experience of such, personal or professional, or have even been bothered to read a single of the many links on this board about EA, I stand by my original comment of fuck off!!

You are not being helpful to the OP, I suspect from what she has said that trying to talk to her H will be nigh on impossible, and result in all sorts of unpleasant ructions (to put it mildly)!

Women (if you are one) like you make me sick to the pit of my stomach with your lack of understanding and compassion for other women and children, again your problem as I see it!

OP sorry for mini rant and hijack i will come back with some useful postings when I have calmed down!

Thank god its not only me!

I would never call myself abusive btw but am liking the YOU in capitals

I think the OP needs to see a solicitor, and fast.

yes she does thats her first priority - if I was her I wouldnt bother trying to talk to him, I tried the talking amicable route for nearly 3 years and nearly destroyed myself - now I just let my solicitor deal with it and it is far easier - oh and I have called the police and reported the harassment and recored everything!
OP take back control it is very hard but you will be much better for it!

Just wanted to pop in and defend macdoodle here
posts by macdoodle-

yes I have a good job which I have worked very very hard for

I wasnt implying that you didnt work very hard, but I earn far far far less than £100K a year (as do most GP's unless you read the Daily Mail)

posts by howtotellmum-

I too have worked very hard to get where I am with my career, but not being a GP on over £100K a year

I did not say you earned £100K- what I DID say that half a GP's salary is a lot more than most professionals earn ( excluding the legal profession), and I KNOW how much the average GP earns - the figures are there for everyine to see.

I don't begrudge you a penny of it, althought you seem to feel the need to defend yourself rather fiercely

Howtotellmum, firstly you did very clearly say macd earned over 100k, and appeared to begrudge it rather too. Also, how exactly has macd defended her earnings fiercely? You are the one with the attitude and(not so)veiled implications, and although you may not have used the same words, you initiated the rude and nasty tone.

Sorry for hijack OP, there is some very good advice for you here if you ignore the puzzling agenda of howtotellmum.

Just for the record, the average salary for gps in 2005-2006 was £106k per the BBC here

I feel obliged to point out those figures are for 2005/6 which was the year after the new contract and have fallen every year since then.
Also as an average earning they were shown to be slightly off centre byt a few very high earners!
But that really isnt the point of this thread and cant see the why or how howto is so het up about it!

Is the BBC the font of all knowledge? Doesn't the BBC have an agenda? Does the government have an agenda?

Have you any idea about the way salaried GPs are treated? How much a partner earns in relation? What about a GP with a prescribing practice?

Sorry for (another) hijack. I'm married to a hospital doctor and feel the need to defend the friendly GP on here!

And yes, he's a consultant, which means he spends four days a week on the golf course. The BBC says so.

Completely irrelevant to the original post but made me cross!

lol yes dont you know if the BBC says so it must be so !!

How the hell did this thread disintegrate into MacD having to defend her hard earned wages??????? Jeez!!

OP needs to see a family solicitor...fast.

Pinkfox - see a solicitor asap and well done for coping financially.

Howto - just live and let live, leave people alone. Nobody should have to justify themselves financially managing, or not, to anyone or be criticised for it.
I say that I work 3 days - which is true. But I work a 30 hour week over 3 days. If I were single, I would qualify for a decent amount of working tax credits etc. It would be very possible to manage on that - why would the OP be lying about the amount she got off her xh? What gives you the right to accuse anyone on here of that?

Bizarre argument - are you really suggesting that the BBC is the government's propoganda wing? And that the government has "got it in" for the medical profession?

I merely quoted the BBC because I thought it was more reliable than the 100s of other links (telegraph, guardian etc) all of whom reported the same story.

And since the government has dramatically increased healthcare spending (with very little corresponding increase in productivity) I find it difficult to believe that they have an anti-doctor agenda.

But still, y'know, don't let the facts get in the way of your paranoia ...

MacD - Good old BBC, second only to the Daily Express!

My consultant husband actually never goes to work. He does it all by osmosis whilst plotting how to improve his contract (like you jammy lot ).

When I think what he paid in exam and revision fees over the years! And £800 to join the specialist register - £800 admin fee!

Sorry, need lie down in dark room just thinking about it!

propaganda sorry.

Not that anyone should ever have to defend their salary - you work hard and you deserve it. I was merely taking issue on the facts ...

As you were

Quattro

The government has eroded the "power" of doctors for several reasons, none of which I have the energy to explain at this hour of the night.

Increase in healthcare spending has no bearing on this issue. If you truly believe they spent it in the right way (expecting to see increase in productivity), you're wrong. They spent it on massaging figures. I also work for the NHS and it's the same in my speciality.

Nurses are much cheaper to employ. The EWTD means we need more juniors to man the rota but we can't give them a consultant post at the end of their training.

Consultants used to get a CCST (certificate of completion of specialialist training). Now they get a CCT (certificate of completion of training). They no longer have the status of "specialist", which you might think is just semantic.

Lots of issues the public have no idea about. I'm sure it's the same in every job - I would never presume I understood the issues through reading a paper or watching the telly

Quattro - there is no doubt that there is a storng governmenet anti dr spin - in order to serve their own ends - for one the privatisation of primary care to its huge detriment!
But yup of course I am just a paranoid lazy fat cat GP, cos the papers say so you know!
This is for another thread I think!

I deal in facts. I thought doctors did too. But all I'm hearing from you is a lot of rhetoric, some of it quite far-fetched.

To whit:

1. The BBC is like the Daily Express
2. The BBC has an anti-doctor agenda
3. The government has an anti-doctor agenda
4. The average GP doesn't earn over £100k, (despite widespread reports saying that they do)
5. GPs are lazy fatcats (no-one has said so)
6. Consultants spend four days a week on the golf course. The BBC says so. (It hasn't and no-one has suggested that consultants spend four days a week on the golf course)

It all sounds a bit loopy to me. Why don't you start another thread and demonstrate why and how you think the BBC has an anti-doctor agenda

Whoops, didnt mean to cause problems about earnings and salaries

I have contacted solicitors but obv have to wait before I can actually sit down and talk with one and not feeling very patient due to the irrational behaviour I am up against with exH.

Not in a particularly well paid job, am pretty much just scraping by, I am using the basis that I need to be able to pay bills WITHOUT any money from him, so if/when I get it, its a bonus, but not sure I "should" be living or thinking like this?!?!?

I am more concerned about the relationship with his children, I seem to be trying to maintain this for him but he doesnt seem to be making as much effort, I said from the start that his relationship with the kids shouldnt and wouldnt be affected - it is priority that the DC are as unaffected as possible, even if things were difficult between us, we needed to avoid the DC being involved.

Also due to his reactions about things I am becoming concerned about him actually having the DC and I have told him this. We have now had a "big grown up" conversation, think it wasnt how he wanted it to go but basically I said things very firmly and clearly and again his reaction was not good, a bit of pushing and shoving me in the street (him to me when he was getting angry). Although maybe minor, I am not sure if this could be used by a solicitor to get an order to stop him coming to the house, aside from the fact I dont feel safe/comfortable when he is at my home.

I know he is angry and frustrated and hurt and upset, I have gone through the same emotions and still do some days but I dont go around saying silly threats to him and trying to control situations.

Pinkfox please seek advice from domestic violence support units/organisations as soon as possible. It sounds very much as though your XP has been abusing you for years. He threatens you, he threatens the DC, he removes their belongings from the home and he has physicaly assaulted you at least once.
Abusive men escalate their behaviour when their partners escape, you and the DC are quite probably in danger, you need to make sure that everyone knows about his threats to burn the house down and the fact that he has been pushing and shoving you.

Pinkfox, as solid has said, you should contact your local police station and ask to speak to the domestic violence unit. Most large police stations have one and if not, they should be able to direct you to where there is one.
You also need to keep a diary of all incidents if you have not aleady done so. If you haven't, then try to recall as many as you can and note them down. These will be required should you need to take action against him, either through the criminal or civil courts.

with regards to the comments about having him arrested for theft, sadly you will probably find that the police will not want to get involved in this as they will say it is a domestic matter and not a criminal one. This is quite common on the breakdown of relationships and the police tend to want to keep out of it and have it resolved by solicitors or the civil courts.
Again, keep a log of what he has taken and when.

If you are in fear of your safely, and that of your children then your two options are reporting his harassment to the police and hopefully they will warn him regarding this or seeking a non-molestation and occupation order through the civil (county) court. The police route is usually the quickest and is free whereas the county court route could potentially be expensive but from what you've said you may well be eligible for public funding (legal aid). You should immediately contact a lawyer who has a legal aid franchise (sadly not many do now) so look in your yellow pages or contact the local county court or CAB for a recommendation. Ideally the lawyer should be a member of Resolution (previously the SFLA - solicitors and family law association) who try to ensure that divorces are dealt with as amicably as possible.

If granted by the Courts, an occupation order basically allows you and the DC to remain in the FMH to the exclusion of your DH. A non-molestation order basically orders him not to harass, assault, or abuse you in anyway. If he breaches these orders a penal notice could be attached which would give the police the power to arrest him and detain him in custody. (many people refer to these orders as injunctions)

With regards the children, there is no need for there to be any formal court orders unless there is a dispute about their residence (formerly called custody) or contact (formerly accsess) The starting point is that the children will remain living with you and they should have reasonable contact with their father. Due to your concerns about his mental state, you are within your rights to impose conditions on his contact with them, ie perhaps supervised by a family member or friend. If he is not happy with this, his recourse is to make an application through the Courts for a Contact order and at that point you would have the opportunity to set out exactly why you have concerns regarding unsupervised contact.

Good luck to you and I hope this helps

p.s. not all lawyers earn as much as GPs