Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Still no sex, despite initiation - what now?

67 replies

SickOfTheMaleSpecies · 09/05/2009 21:24

I posted on here a few weeks ago regarding my DP and his apparant disinterest in sex.

Quick recap ...

We had been together 4 months. In that time I had slept over there 3 times (on his invite) and not once did he initiate sex.

So basically, after 4 months we had still not had sex. We had, however .. kissed and cuddled in bed.

Last time I posted on here, it was more or less decided that he was being a gentleman and that I should initiate it.

So last night, we get in bed and we start kissing, it got heavier and I could 'feel' that he was aroused yet his hands stayed firmly on my stomach/waist so I guided them to my chest area. He touched me for a while and the kissing got heavier still, his hands wondered downwards and it basically turned to foreplay. But ... he kept stopping and saying "I better let you get to sleep before I go too far" and "I'm sorry, my hands are wondering" etc etc I was getting a bit impatient with him to be honest. I couldn't have made it ANY clearer ... I even took anyfuckers advice and "grabbed his nob" to see what would happen ... he enjoyed that, but still didn't try and take it any further.

We went to bed at 12am and it was now getting on for 3am, we'd been doing the same thing for almost 3 hours and it was getting tedious. I pushed things further, pushed him as far as I thought it possible to push any man! and he finally climbed on top of me and said "do you want to?" ffs - I said "yes" so the kissing continued and he suddenly stopped and said "I won't be a minute, just need to go and use the bathroom"

oh ffs ....

So he goes downstairs, I look at the clock, 3.20am ... I'm thinking "fuck this, it's not worth the hassle" and turn over to go to sleep ... about 15 minutes later he comes back upstairs, gets into bed and kisses me (not very pasionately) and then says "sorry, I think I've spoilt the mood a bit now, havn't I?" I reply "yes" and went to sleep.

Next morning he apologised and said it was because he was tired

Am I right in thinking this is far from normal behaviour?? I don't know what to do next ... and to be honest it's putting me off him.

OP posts:
Overmydeadbody · 09/05/2009 21:27

Oh gosh.

This is certianly not normal behaviour.

I think you need to just ask him outright, what the problem is. You can't go on like this.

Overmydeadbody · 09/05/2009 21:27

Maybe he has an STI but is too embarrassed/shy to tell you?

PM73 · 09/05/2009 21:27

Hmmm did he stay hard ?

Maybe he has a premature ejaculation problem?

Could he be scared of his technique?

madlentileater · 09/05/2009 21:29

could he be very inexperienced?

feedthegoat · 09/05/2009 21:29

I think I'd be tempted to go for an outright discussion on the subject now.

CarGirl · 09/05/2009 21:30

You should need to talk to him about it.

BitOfFun · 09/05/2009 21:31

How much do you like him? Unless it's a LOT, I'd be tempted to call it a day tbh...

RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 09/05/2009 21:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Overmydeadbody · 09/05/2009 21:35

He's a virgin, isn't he?

howtotellmum · 09/05/2009 21:37

Ask him outright- is he gay? Has he erectile probs?

Bad experiences before? A virgin even?

Try to be tender not aggressive.

Overmydeadbody · 09/05/2009 21:37

What would happen if you just went down on him? Or have you done that already?

Original poster
SickOfTheMaleSpecies · 09/05/2009 21:37

Nothing wrong with the willy, I grabbed it, remember

He's not a virgin, he has a daughter and has been married.

And he did stay hard.

OP posts:
thatsnotmymonster · 09/05/2009 21:38

He could have MASSIVE hang ups/insecurities.

He could be a virgin.

He may not believe in sex outside of marriage.

Possibly other reasons.

You need to just ask him.

CarGirl · 09/05/2009 21:39

Could it have been a long long long time?

You just need to have a frank discussion - perhaps his ExW used to make fun of him/his techniques and he thinks he is useless?

madlentileater · 09/05/2009 21:39

could have a daughter and still be inexperienced/lack confidence.
Talk to him.

howtotellmum · 09/05/2009 21:40

There are many gays who havebeen married and have DCS.

oliviasmama · 09/05/2009 21:41

sack him off

RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 09/05/2009 21:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

PM73 · 09/05/2009 21:42

Ask him outright what his issue is,he is obviously hiding something from you.

Original poster
SickOfTheMaleSpecies · 09/05/2009 21:43

he told me its been 3 years.

Thing is I started a convo with him about it the day after because to be honest, I was a little annoyed.

I said "was it because you were not sure if I was taking contraception?"

and he replied "no ... I was just a bit tired"

so instead he decided to prat about until 3am in the morning? I don't think so.

He also said it had been 3 years and he wasn't sure how long he'd last ... fair enough ... but I still couldn't see that being a reason to act the way he did last night. 3 hours ffs.

He's now going on about how my birthday is next week and he's looking forward to us getting some time together "in the bedroom" but if he thinks I'm fucking around until 3am again he can get lost.

OP posts:
CarGirl · 09/05/2009 21:45

Perhaps he wants to when it's going to happen so he can sort himself out beforehand!!!

TBH my dh would quite happily have kissing type foreplay for 3 hours solid he never gets bored! Fortunately he does want to complete as well.

smellen · 09/05/2009 21:46

You can't read his mind. Nor he yours. If your relationship is to have any future, then you need to talk openly. Find a neutral ground where you can talk to him. If he can't or won't discuss the physical side of your relationship, then - unless you want a major project (if you know what I mean) - you might want to cut your losses. Hope things work out for you both.

thisisyesterday · 09/05/2009 21:47

I have just asked dp and he comes up with:

cleanliness? could he have been worried about "down there" and went off to make sure he was clean?

contraception? (desperately looking for some?)

he suggests just climbing on and getting stuck in, so to speak because, and I quote "boys like that"

RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 09/05/2009 21:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

BigBellasBeerBelly · 09/05/2009 21:58

I remember your last thread...

This is not good, is it.

My immediate thought was had he gone downstairs and knocked one out rather than have sex for some reason?

I'm baffled, really.

Have had my fair share of virgins, incompetants, shy ones etc (OK more than my fair share) but normally once you make it clear they get on with it.

Never heard of anything like this.

I think you need to make him talk about it, or call it a day. Seriously.

Swipe left for the next trending thread