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Original poster

Still no sex, despite initiation - what now?

67 replies

SickOfTheMaleSpecies · 09/05/2009 21:24

I posted on here a few weeks ago regarding my DP and his apparant disinterest in sex.

Quick recap ...

We had been together 4 months. In that time I had slept over there 3 times (on his invite) and not once did he initiate sex.

So basically, after 4 months we had still not had sex. We had, however .. kissed and cuddled in bed.

Last time I posted on here, it was more or less decided that he was being a gentleman and that I should initiate it.

So last night, we get in bed and we start kissing, it got heavier and I could 'feel' that he was aroused yet his hands stayed firmly on my stomach/waist so I guided them to my chest area. He touched me for a while and the kissing got heavier still, his hands wondered downwards and it basically turned to foreplay. But ... he kept stopping and saying "I better let you get to sleep before I go too far" and "I'm sorry, my hands are wondering" etc etc I was getting a bit impatient with him to be honest. I couldn't have made it ANY clearer ... I even took anyfuckers advice and "grabbed his nob" to see what would happen ... he enjoyed that, but still didn't try and take it any further.

We went to bed at 12am and it was now getting on for 3am, we'd been doing the same thing for almost 3 hours and it was getting tedious. I pushed things further, pushed him as far as I thought it possible to push any man! and he finally climbed on top of me and said "do you want to?" ffs - I said "yes" so the kissing continued and he suddenly stopped and said "I won't be a minute, just need to go and use the bathroom"

oh ffs ....

So he goes downstairs, I look at the clock, 3.20am ... I'm thinking "fuck this, it's not worth the hassle" and turn over to go to sleep ... about 15 minutes later he comes back upstairs, gets into bed and kisses me (not very pasionately) and then says "sorry, I think I've spoilt the mood a bit now, havn't I?" I reply "yes" and went to sleep.

Next morning he apologised and said it was because he was tired

Am I right in thinking this is far from normal behaviour?? I don't know what to do next ... and to be honest it's putting me off him.

OP posts:

BrokenFlipFlop · 09/05/2009 21:59

Has he mentioned 'religion' at all and sex before marriage?

I once dated a guy who would do everything else but full penetrative sex - he felt that it was fine to do oral, foreplay etc but refused to have sex until he was married. Oh, and he never, ever closed his eyes wehn kissing - freaky.

howtotellmum · 09/05/2009 22:04

How old is he?

I think he is either gay, and not out of the closet and is trying not to be, has deep problems with his sexuality in some way, or has had an awful expereince with his former wife.

It is not normal behaviour- as you say-most men would not "pet" for 3 hours!

solidgoldSneezeLikeApig · 09/05/2009 22:05

He's got a reason for not having sex with you. I don't know what it is, because I am not him, nor do I know him. However, I would venture to say that whatever the reason is, it's not actually about you. It's not that you are too young/old/thin/fat/attractive/unattractive/clever/stupid/whatever.
So take that on board, because it's important not to blame yourself or spend hours fretting about what you should have done or not done.
Then talk to him. Ask him why he's not willing to have sex, but ask him in a nice understanding way, and see what he says. IF he says there is nothing wrong/he needs more time or any vague farty nothing answer, then either give him one more chance, or cut your losses. Because if he won't give you a straight answer then he is someone who needs a lot of work and who is probably going to blame you and make it your responsibility indefinitely, and life is really too short to be bothered with people like this.

southeastastra · 09/05/2009 22:06

could be a religious thing

onepieceofcremeegg · 09/05/2009 22:08

I agree with solidgold.

tbh if it is a straightforward reason (like religious beliefs as some have mentioned) then he would probably tell you and not be in the same bed for hours on end.

There is clearly some sort of issue for him either wrt to sex and/or communication. Ultimately he has to decide whether to be upfront with you, or continue with these ridiculous games.

While he gets his act together (or maybe not?) you have to decide if you are happy to wait, or if he refuses to have a meaningful discussion then perhaps he is not the right man for you?

BitOfFun · 09/05/2009 22:09

I totally agree, SGB, you put that really well!

pscc · 09/05/2009 22:25

maybe he is HIV positive or has aids and is too embarassed/scared to say something- in which case he REALLY does need to talk to you! Whatever you do- good luck.

mrsboogie · 10/05/2009 11:30

If he was gay he wouldn't have stayed hard all that time or if he was gay and able to stay hard while pratting about for hours he would have just got on with the job.

Its something in his head - probably nerves about premature ejaculation or something. Maybe he does lose his erection on penetration? he has a problem and you need to find out what it is before you spend weeks being fobbed off with excuses.

fedup1981 · 10/05/2009 11:45

It sounds to me like there's something he doesn't want to show you down there. Once you got into it, did he seem to be enjoying himself and enjoying touching you etc? because if he was, it really only leaves a) fear of prem ejaculation or similar sexual dysfunction, or b) crotchrot.

orangehead · 10/05/2009 11:50

Agree with everyone that you really need to talk to him. In a senstive and understanding way but also firm and direct way (I know it is not easy to get a balance). If he refuses to talk you need to make it clear that this is important if the relationship is to suceed.
It def sounds like a problem in his head, worry about performance esp if his ex critised him for it, cleaness issues - ocd type of thing. Or having a strict religious upbringing, it may not be his religious views so therefore not mentioned it but his upbringing may have ingrained it in his head that unmarried sex is dirty.
Hope you get answers

BCNS · 10/05/2009 12:16

lord I would just ask him, in a nice way.

popping to the bathroom for 15 mins , smacks a bit of having a quick suffle so he can pace himself later.. maybe he did this.. but the realised how tired he was, and it wouldn't play anymore.

maybe he panic w**ked. .

ruddynorah · 10/05/2009 12:29

are you sure he was married and has a daughter?

AllFallDown · 10/05/2009 12:33

Man here ...
If a woman was feeling uncertain about having sex with a new partner for the first time, if she was all but getting there before calling it off at the last minute, would you all assume she as gay or HIV positive or highly religious or badly fucked up? No, you'd assume what is probably the case with this poor man: that he's petrified of something going wrong and making a fool of himself. Talk to him gently and find out. He's the person to ask, not people here.

Honestly, you should be ashamed of yourselves.

ruddynorah · 10/05/2009 12:35

people have suggested that 'man here'. plus other valid things.

2rebecca · 10/05/2009 12:46

I would discuss it before agreeing to sleep with him again. If a bloke's not ready for sex then I'd rather sleep in my own bed. I'd also be wary about getting into a relationship with a man with a lower libido than me at the start of a relationship. If I did this to a man and the relationship was important to me then I'd explain the next morning exactly why I chickened out at the last minute. This isn't just about sex, it's about communication. This guy sounds awful at telling you what he's thinking.
I agree if you're too tired for sex you say so when you first get into bed, not 3 hours of foreplay later..

BigBellasBeerBelly · 10/05/2009 13:01

If I didn't want sex with someone allfalldown, I would tell them.

Not fondle them for 3 hours and then go and hide in the bathroom with no word of explanation.

EvenBetaDad · 10/05/2009 13:24

SickOfTheMaleSpecies - I read your original thread and this one and my feeling is that he is worried about crossing the Rubicon of penetrative sex. It may be that he feels that having full sex is an irrevocable commitment and it may just be a personal morality issue not even religious. It may well be he has little or no experience of sex outside his previous marriage.

His sudden need to go to the toilet was I think an expression of real fear. When you climbed on top of him - he just panicked.

I do not think this is a physical problem at all as he seems to be completely physically normal and responding in a complete normal way to your advances (i.e no erectile dysfunction or premature ejaculation).

I think if you had just continued in the mode of simply kissing and touching and invited him to do the same to you - to the point you both reached orgasm then he would not have panicked. He did seem to be enjoying what you were doing.

Perhaps next time if you just did that and took the pressure of him then really talked afterwards things would be dealt with in a less stressful way. Then he may well want to talk more openly about the issue he is struggling with.

I may be entirely wrong of course but I think if you can get over this issue he will be a really commited and nice guy to be with. Definitley worth it to keep trying for a while in my view.

AllFallDown - I agree with you that people are being far too judgemental. The poor man may well be a really nice guy who just needs a bit of gentle encouragement and some time.

ToughDaddy · 10/05/2009 13:58

exceptional tease, this man is or simply performnce issues. Sounds like the latter to me. Not about you though as SGB says.

mrsmaidamess · 10/05/2009 14:16

I think he was worried about it all being over too quickly so took himself in hand downstairs (great timing), came back up and you had clearly got fed up and he doesn't have the guts to pursue it. So you either take control or let him go.

EvenBetaDad · 10/05/2009 15:26

SickOfTheMaleSpecies - I wanted to add a bit more to what I said earlier because I am concerned you might think I was criticising you. Definitely not - this is a difficult situation for anyone to deal with.

You have been very patient and kind and clearly needed to take the initiative - which you have done now and things have clearly moved forward from where you were.

I suspect your DP is now very worried about 'next time'. Perhaps it might be worth now being very frank with him and saying you want him to stay with you overnight but you do not expect full sex and just kissing and cuddling and touching is OK. Then just lead him on from there as I described earlier. I supect he will be really very worried otherwise and he may just try and avoid the issue.

By the way, I bet he just went downstairs and walked about for a while and tried to calm down. Then came back before he was really ready and it was still all wrong for him.

Men and their emotions - bag of nerves more like. Hope it all works out for you both.

2rebecca · 10/05/2009 15:43

Whose house are you sleeping in and why are you sleeping together if 1 of you isn't ready for a sexual relationship? As you're a mum I presumed you were both at your house but are you staying at his and he's too polite to tell you he'd rather you went home? It does sound as though he's not ready for a sexual relationship yet in which case why not sleep separately. I'd still not be keen on the idea of a relationship with a bloke who's less keen on sex than I am and won't talk to me though. First time sex is often a bit rubbish, that doesn't usually matter, you're usually more relaxed a bit later/ in the morning.

AnyFucker · 10/05/2009 21:37

right, ok

you have initiated till you are blue in the face, grabbed his nob and all that, put up with 3 hours (3 hours ??) of foreplay (I would have been screaming by that point )

he sounds shit

stop pussyfooting around and being kind

if he can't give you a good seeing-to, find someone who can

life is too short to give this sad individual any more of your time

if that sounds harsh, it is

unless you are a sex counsellor who works on the job, let someone else hold his dick for him

pathetic, that, in this day and age...

solidgoldSneezeLikeApig · 10/05/2009 23:24

Allfalldown: it's not the fact that he doesn't appear to want sex that people are criticising: it's the fact that he's not communicating, and giving out very mixed messages. It's perfectly OK to say to someone 'I don't want to fuck unless I'm in love' or 'I would rather just cuddle than fuck' or 'Actually I like you but I don't fancy you' - but the behaviour this man is exhibiting, as described by the OP, suggests a fairly dysfunctional individual who is not actually being very considerate of her feelings.

fedup1981 · 11/05/2009 00:35

Allfalldown, it's all very well saying he might be some timid poor guy who is working up the courage to have sex etc etc - how many men have you had sex with? because trust me, even shy virgins have more guts and are more vocal about their feelings than the guy in the op, which is why many of us are wondering why a fully grown man with a child etc doesn't have the balls to say what's wrong.

This really is a communication issue, because you know that if the guy had turned to the op and said "Look, I haven't had sex in three years, I'm feeling really vulnerable and worried about my performance, can we take this slowly?" (or words to that effect) this thread wouldn't exist as the op would have been satisfied with his admission and done everything she could to help him feel more comfortable.

AllFallDown · 11/05/2009 10:33

Fedup ... no, I've never slept with any men, but unlike any of you I've been a man in a very similar situation. And I did say she had to talk about it to him - not saying that he's been a paragon of virtue here. What I objected to was the frankly offensive speculation about him, not the notion that OP should try to resolve the situation. I stand by my assertion that those suggesting HIV etc should be ashamed of themselves.

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