Had enough of dh's attitude

[Holly02]

Seems I am a similar position to custardo, going by the 'shed' topic. Just quickly, I am a SAHM (studying part-time) and dh works full-time & travels with his job.

I was cooking dinner tonight and trying to keep ds entertained at the same time while dh watched the news. DS and I were in the study (our home office) and ds picked up a felt pen that was lying on the desk, so I gave him a piece of paper to scribble on. A bit of the pen went on to the desk (vinyl top - not a great quality desk!!) and I thought to myself "I'll clean it off when I get a moment."

Anyway dh saw that some of the felt pen had gone onto the desk and he absolutely flipped out. Said that the study was HIS room (since when? what room do I get?), and that ds should not be in there using any kind of pens (mind you, dh has taken ds in there with him many times). It was actually dh's older son that had left the pens lying around, but I got into so much trouble for it - nevermind that I was trying to cook dinner and look after ds at the same time.

In the 3 years that we've had ds, NOT ONCE has dh come home from work to find any scribbling on the walls, stains on the floors, or toys lying around, as I am so diligent about keeping the place tidy. When dh started raving at me I just lost it, because I run the entire place without much help at all from him. He told me that if I didn't like it (looking after the house & ds and studying), I should go and get a job (pay for a housekeeper AND full-time childcare, I guess). But the thing is, he does practically nothing for ds even when he is at home. I bath him, feed him, dress him, take him out with me, put him to bed, etc etc etc - dh never does any of it, except on the odd occasion when I'm not here, and then he does it under duress. We also have dh's 17 yr old son staying with us most of the time, but that fact seems to have slipped his mind as well.

Anyway - I called him a few choice names (not proud of it) and we stood there screaming at each other while ds watched. I feel sick thinking about it now, because in the past I've sworn that I would not fight with dh in front of ds, and now it's happened again. I just feel that I can't stand dh anymore. Sorry for the rant but I'm so shocked that he lost his block over some pen on the desk. I've cleaned it off now BTW - and you would never know that it was there.

If it wasn't the idea of splitting ds' family up, I don't know that I'd still be here.

Thank you Jimjams.
When I came back that day and found out he'd been on a car journey without restraint, I was absolutely distraught and terrified. I was pregnant with DS2 too. I don't think any of you could honestly say you would risk that again. (Yes, I'll show him, I'll bog off for the weekend and leave him to cope. Then the policeman's knock at the door ........... well, that really showed him, didn't it?)
I know people might think, 'well, I wouldn't marry a man who didn't believe in child car seats,' but I didn't think I had! He does believe in them actually, just thinks that it doesn't matter on short journeys (!), and it was the second time he'd done it. The first was just outside our house, to the end of the road, with no seat OR even an adult seat-belt on, when he was 18 months. I gave him such a roasting for that I was convinced he would NEVER, EVER do it again. Well, I was wrong, wasn't I. The only way I could have been more forceful was if I'd beaten him up.

Beetroot. I think your suggestion of outside help is a good one. Trouble is I'm so stressed ATM, I can't seem to take the steps to find someone, I know that's pathetic, but I'm having to gird myself slowly.

Aren't relationships fun?!

Droile, I guess we all have to draw the line at what we will and won't put up with but I still think he can change if he wants to, but he doesn't want to enough.

If you turn it around maybe, say you were doing something that really pissed off your husband and was inconsiderate to your children. If your husband kept telling you that he hated that particular thing you did, and how really upset he was, and how it could threaten your marriage wouldn't you try to change it????

I guess I'm always biased to the take action alternative rather than sitting and taking it - My friends experience just backs it up, after years and years of nagging and pleading a good friend of mine just kicked her hubby out for similar (althouth not as bad!) reasons to you, after just 2 weeks he is desperate to come home and change things, while she is laying down new rules. I don't know if he will be able to keep his end of the bargain but it was worth the gamble of throwing him out.

Easier said than done I know!!

Oh, Droile, my heart goes out to you. We've had discussions on another thread a while ago about our respective husbands... mine is the same as yours, gave me the same guff when we first met but doesn't follow through.
I think my kids are a little older than yours and I now don't have to worry so much about safety ie they can fasten their own seatbelts, they have road sense, they are not likely to drink anything poisonous. So take heart, it will get better in that respect if you decide to stay. I remember when mine were toddlers I came into the house and found them playing with glass jars on a tiled kitchen floor! DH did not see the danger! Like you I could not bear the thought of unsupervised weekend access because he had proven time and time again that he was incapable.
As you know, I have reached an arrangement with my husband were we live together like housemates but it has taken years to get to this stage.
Good luck whatever you decide.

I'm sorry Droile, but can you just tell us what your dh's good points are? Maybe we are being critical because at the mo we are only seeing his bad points and none of his good points.

In my very honest opinion, which you don't have to listen to, I would leave him. No matter how much I loved a man, if he treated me and my child in this way, I would not be convinced of his love or respect for me. Dh sometimes disagrees with the rules I set down, but he follows them because he respects me, and I do likewise. I can reason with him and I know that he would never, ever put our child in any danger. Perhaps you could see if there are any parenting courses he could go on. If he refuses to change at all, I really would question the relationship. If you are not happy, your boys will see this and their first experiences of relationships will be to see an irresponsible father and husband, and an unhappy mother. But you know your dh more than we do, you know how much you are willing to put up with. I speak only from my point of view, what I would do in that situation.

Whatever you do, I hope the situation gets resolved one way or another. You've been supportive of me before, so you have my support for this too.

Up until last week my back garden was like the local tip. It had been that way for 2 years. My ds3 who is 2 loves nothing more than to go and play outside. I have nagged, bribed pubs and sexual favours etc anything you can imagine to get this garden done for our boy and all to no avail. The crunch came when I heard from an official on the t.v that iit is every childs RIGHT by the European Courts to have a safe place to play outside.After hearing this titbit I told dp that I was taking him to the Court of Human Rights on behalf of my son. It bleedin worked. My dp is one of the laziest men on the planet, and what I am trying to say is there maybe that little something that gets his finger out of his backside.

Droile, as a long time lurker and recent poster I've been blown away time and time again by your clever considerate posts, and I think you've helped a lot of people. It seems that things are going to come to a head with you DH soon and I hope you come out of this smiling.
I hope I don't offend you, please remember we have only your posts to go on, and they don't seem to list your DH's good points very often, but I think you deserve better than this.
I hope the situation changes for the better, lots of support - eefs.

hello again, droile and holly.

don't know how you feel about self-help books (especially if written for the american corporate market), but wondered if these two (or something similar) i just found on amazon might help.

Get Anyone To Do Anything , or alternatively Influencing Pocketbook .

i have been on influencing skills courses at work (some years ago and pre ds so i can't remember any useful details), but the basic point was that people use a very limited set of "tools" to influence others, e.g. rational argument, bullying, cajoling etc., and focused on other things to try when these proved ineffective.

this is not meant to be a criticism of your approach to date, but i thought books like these might contain some alternative strategies to persuade him to do his share (yes, i know you shouldn't have to persuade him).

fwiw, i would get as much domestic help as you can (i know from your responses and my own situation this is more difficult and more effort than it seems) and not let the fact that it lets him off the hook stop you. i suggest your own wellbeing should be your priority atm, and that you should do anything you can to lighten the load on you.

i expect you have thought of all this before, but just in case.

my sympathies to you both. good luck.

Thanks Lambchops, I think it will be a relief when they get older. When we get to the housemates stage, I may be asking you for tips.
Kind of you Rhubarb, thanks.
And Bossykate, the books sound well worth a look, ta.
eefs, what a lovely post, thanks!
Beetroot, I live in a very rural area and there's really not much around. I used to do cleaning and babysitting for a couple when I was a student, and if they could have cloned me, they would. There aren't many round here that want that sort of work.
Doormat, snap! Our back garden is also a building site. I'm giving him until the end of May, then I'm 'getting someone in'. Huh!
DH's good points... (scratches head).. he is a good father in ways that mean a lot to the children (kind, loving, patient, very cuddly). He cries a lot with happiness about the boys. He works hard. He's sexy. He doesn't often hog the TV. He's not jealous. He doesn't ask me where I've been (because I haven't flaming well been anywhere - ) but when I do, he doesn't. He doesn't complain about my cooking (wants to live another day). He's very sociable and has lots of friends. Not all of them are T**ts. We have similar backgrounds, both lost parents young, so he understands about bereavement. I'll stop before I get too boring, but I have to weigh these against the bad stuff. When he's just done something awful, these good points seem to evaporate from my mind. I think it boils down to the fact that I haven't any functioning family, so things can get pretty bad before it would be better to leave. I'm not one of those people who finds that friends replace family, since everyone is so busy with their own families, no matter how supportive, so it's not the same. Most importantly, I have to weigh it against the boys happiness and ATM, I can make it look OK for them because half the time, it is OK. When that changes, I'll go.

I'm in the North West.

It's nowhere near Blackburn. Much more rural than that, half an hour drive to the nearest town. Can't say more than that really, re location. Local friends less down-spirited than me at present (ie, not on ADs) have failed to get help of the cleaning or childcare variety, so when I say gold dust I'm not just using flowery words. I do keep my ears open.

Droile, you know where I live don't you? Are you anywhere near me? Dh's parents also live out in the sticks, not far from Chorley.

Hi Rhubarb, I'm about an hour away from you, but in the other direction, nearer to the Yorkshire border.

Well, if you ever want to meet anytime, please let me know. You can get my email via my website and I'll pass on my phone number to you. You can moan about your dh and I can moan about my pregnancy!

Good idea, thanks Rhubarb, I'll do that!

Men never grow up! Now they all have mid-life crises which usually involves affairs and dumping you with the kids whilst they have a good time!
I got really annoyed with my dh the other day. I have had to practically give up drinking because I'm pregnant, and certain smells make me feel sick. He can still drink but is supposed to have given up smoking, since the New Year. A couple of weekends ago he went out and came in stinking of fags and booze. The smell was so awful I had to sleep in dd's bed.
Last weekend I asked him not to smoke. I mean, it's not an unreasonable request is it? But he did smoke and came in stinking again. So I made him sleep on the sofa - ha! Why the hell should I make all the sacrifices and put up with his inconsideration?

I feel lucky in general though. He does his own washing and ironing, cooks the occasional meal, washes up and does his share of the childcare. But from what I see in general, I really am one of the lucky ones. Men seem to lead their lives as if they have no-one else to consider. They know that if everything falls apart, it will be the women who are left to pick up the pieces. They really do have their cake and eat it sometimes! Grrrrrrr!

Sobernow, LOL. :0

Whoops, meant

Here's something funny to cheer us all up, on the same subject.
It's an email joke currently doing the rounds, so apologies if you've read it.

Dear IT Support Help Desk.
Eighteen months ago I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2 which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off. To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is also incompatible with several other applications such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 2.0 and Playboy 6.1. Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better. A shareware beta-programme, PartGirl 2.1, which I tried had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually I tried to run Girlfriend 1.0 and Girlfriend 2.1 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.

Sensing a way out, I then upgraded to Fiance 1.0 only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded (at great cost) to Wife 1.0, which I reluctantly agreed to because, whilst Wife 1.0 tends to use up all of my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSex Plus, CleanHouse 2000 and WashUp XP.

Shortly after this upgrade however, I discovered that Wife 1.0 can be very unstable and costly to run; for example, any mistakes I make were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary Explorer and E-Mail Pornfilter and can, without warning, launch PhotoStrop and WhingeZip! These latter products have no help files and I have to try and guess what the problem is myself.

Additional costly problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShopBrowser for new attachments, and also HairStyleExpress which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Wife 1.0 also spawns unwelcome child processes that also drain my resources. It also conflicted with some of the new games I wanted to try, stating that they are an illegal operation. When Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my BMW 7 series programme it often crashes or runs the system dry. I installed new driver software, Backseat 3.1, but this interrupts any programme I am running with frequent irritating and innecessary instructions. It came with a new version of Mapreader 2003, which is worse than useless, and appears to be upside down.

Furthermore, Wife 1.0 also has a rather annoying pop-up called Mother-in-Law, which cannot be turned off. Recently I have attempted to install Mistress 2000, but there could be problems, as a friends has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects the presence of Mistress 2000, it tends to delete all MS Money files before permanently uninstalling itself.

You can tell I'm supposed to be working, can't you?

ROFL Droile, that's hilarious...