Had enough of dh's attitude

[Holly02]

Seems I am a similar position to custardo, going by the 'shed' topic. Just quickly, I am a SAHM (studying part-time) and dh works full-time & travels with his job.

I was cooking dinner tonight and trying to keep ds entertained at the same time while dh watched the news. DS and I were in the study (our home office) and ds picked up a felt pen that was lying on the desk, so I gave him a piece of paper to scribble on. A bit of the pen went on to the desk (vinyl top - not a great quality desk!!) and I thought to myself "I'll clean it off when I get a moment."

Anyway dh saw that some of the felt pen had gone onto the desk and he absolutely flipped out. Said that the study was HIS room (since when? what room do I get?), and that ds should not be in there using any kind of pens (mind you, dh has taken ds in there with him many times). It was actually dh's older son that had left the pens lying around, but I got into so much trouble for it - nevermind that I was trying to cook dinner and look after ds at the same time.

In the 3 years that we've had ds, NOT ONCE has dh come home from work to find any scribbling on the walls, stains on the floors, or toys lying around, as I am so diligent about keeping the place tidy. When dh started raving at me I just lost it, because I run the entire place without much help at all from him. He told me that if I didn't like it (looking after the house & ds and studying), I should go and get a job (pay for a housekeeper AND full-time childcare, I guess). But the thing is, he does practically nothing for ds even when he is at home. I bath him, feed him, dress him, take him out with me, put him to bed, etc etc etc - dh never does any of it, except on the odd occasion when I'm not here, and then he does it under duress. We also have dh's 17 yr old son staying with us most of the time, but that fact seems to have slipped his mind as well.

Anyway - I called him a few choice names (not proud of it) and we stood there screaming at each other while ds watched. I feel sick thinking about it now, because in the past I've sworn that I would not fight with dh in front of ds, and now it's happened again. I just feel that I can't stand dh anymore. Sorry for the rant but I'm so shocked that he lost his block over some pen on the desk. I've cleaned it off now BTW - and you would never know that it was there.

If it wasn't the idea of splitting ds' family up, I don't know that I'd still be here.

as a mum though i wouldnt let my kid play with paper and why...well becuase i have thought "oooooooooh if i do thaaaaatt, and it gets ripped into tiny pieces and the house looks a mess i will have to clean it up. and if my baby has newsprint all over him ooohhhh i will have to bath him" did he bath your child and clean up the mess? because sometimes you have to treat them like dogs, rub their noses in the shit so they dont do it again.

again i will reiterate, this knowledge i have is learned. i wasnt born with it and had to make many mistakes and reinvent many wheels before i learned many lessons. it seems some women dont let their husbands go through the same learning curve. everyone has to learn.
necessity is really honestly and truly the mother of invention. if everything white comes out of the washer pink - and you have not the money to buy new things - he will either wear dirty looking pinky white things or not do it again.

Go custy and beetroot. Too too bloody true. Ruthless leaving them to it is the ONLY way round this. Droile- next time invite 2 of your children's friends round (tell their parents that your h is happy to look after them alone) and go out. Perhaps the higher child to adult ratio and the threat of explaining his neglect to the other parents will shake him out of his lethargy. I wouldn't worry too much about newspaper print either. Toxic schmoxic- the baby's fine, isn't he?

UGH!!!! I was using my friend's computer and my post has come out under her name - sorry for the confusion (guess our secret's out now!)

Obviously both dedicated followers of mumsnet....

Been there, done that, I've tried it many times, DH is 4 soon. I won't bore you with more instances, but one particular day stands out in my mind. We were on holiday, I left him with DS, then 2, with friends and went shopping for the afternoon. When I came back, he they had left him alone in the garden and he'd wandered into next doors, with a pond. Failing to kill him that way, he'd let the 'friends' persuade him to take DS to a superstore without his car seat, just held him on his knee. Busy road, dual carriageway, need I say more?
I'm quite annoyed at you lot actually, just assuming that I'm some kind of control freak who likes to hold the reins. After DS has been to bed at midnight, it is ME who has him the next day, not DH. He works so much in the daytime that the times I can enforce childcare are few. DS has been to bed at midnight every single time DH has him. I sometimes have to work late, so it has often happened. He does NOT improve over time, I have tried this, what do you think I am?

I've stopped doing his washing. There is a festering pile of it in the kitchen now. He just wears any old cack and doesn't care. Who does this hurt? Me. I don't do any of his ironing. When we go out, his clothes are creased, and I'm embarrassed. He isn't. Some people just will not learn, no matter what you threaten, and I've threatened some stuff I wouldn't dare to mention. I've even slapped him. What's left? I'd be intersted to know, apart from leaving.

sorry Droile, he must be a nightmare to live with. was he always like this? before you were married - were there any warning bells before? he sounds more than just lazy, he sounds like a slob.

Maybe its time for shock treatment. Tell him to leave? tell him he's not kept his end of the marriage vows and isn't the man you married - what would he do?

Oh Droile you really are stuck between a rock and a hard place. Sorry got no advice, but FWIW I admire your strength. I have a friend who is in the same boat as both you and Holly02, her dh is a pig but she loves him and has accepted that he will never change, he knows it and of course uses it to his advantage. It all depends on whether you love them enough to stay and put up with it. I do not think I could but then am not faced with that decision.

I do not think that anyone was trying to have a go at you or Holloy02 its just anger at the dh's.

I'll answer you points in a mo. I'm dodging Dh ATM.
I've calmed down a bit now, folks. I know you mean well, it's just that it's bad enough living with someone like this without being told that it's my fault for letting him. I think there's a book in that. Women who let men slob: A post-feminist treatise. Do you fancy letting me have any more gems for it? It could sit alongside Women who marry houses.
Custy - someone who is happy to let a baby dabble in newsprint does not feel the need to bath said baby. He does not see the problem. I ask him to do it nicely: we have a row. I tell him nastily: we have a row. I leave him to it: he stuffs it up. We have a row. I get to pick up the peices - he WONT. Will not. Get it?

Why do I stay?
Because of the boys.
And because he has several good points. Pulling his weight in the house is not one of them.
Excuse typos, no time to view, got to scat.

hello droile, i really feel for you, both for the situation and how unhelpful some of the comments here must seem.

i often read postings here and think that i just would not tolerate that behaviour... but if you are faced with a grown man who simply refuses to pull his weight, what can you do other than leave him?

i suppose the questions are:

are his good points enough to make up for this situation?
would he go for relationship counselling?
if not, do you want him to leave?
if you are worried that he would not look after the kids well enough on access visits, could the arrangement be that they must be supervised?

commiserations to you too, holly.

hope you both find a way of working this out. all the best, bk.

Droile- I think there are certian men who just don;t get it. Who do I blame? Their mothers! Whenever dh's family come to stay he loses the use of his legs. Everyone sits on the sofa reading papers/watching tv and me running round like some crazy lady. I now explode and make him help out.

In our house dh will do ironing etc with a lot of nagging. If his mum or sister is here they do it. But he won't do "boys jobs". He won't set up videos, connect computers, put up shelevs, plumb washing mchines, change plugs. He will change light bulbs. I have tried and tried and tried to get him to do these things. I have cursed him as I'm crawling behind the washing machine with a plumbers tool. I know if I say " can you go and reset the fuse" I'll just get a blank look. I have shown him time and time again how to check the typre pressures in the car- he can't. If they won't learn they won't.

sorry doile, you quite right, i shouldnt impose my life on yours and it was wrong of me to use you as an example of my thoughts on the subject

its easy to give advice but we are all different and have different husbands and different lives and i imposed my values on yours am sorry.

forgive me?

Droile I know its easy to judge, and we're all feeling guilty of judging you but... maybe you've been so long in this relationship you've lost sight of what it could/should be like? we're all guilty of that. Because at the end of the day you can excuse your husband all you want but its not that your husband CAN'T do all these things ..he WON'T.

There's no excuse for won't (except an allergy to soap!) - you are LETTING him piss you off, you are LETTING him dirty your nice clean home!!! You are LETTING him be a part-time, just the good bits, dad.

Every one can change this type of behaviour, you just have to provide the incentive (i.e. serious threats to get rid !)

and don't you worry that this is a crap example to set to your boys????

Even if he does have an allergy to soap he can still clean. I have an allergy to soap and just wear gloves but you'll know by another thread that I try not to clean if I can help it.

I don't know lil- I think there are certain things that people just won't do. My husband really really won't do any of the things I've mentioned below. If they won't they won't and I actually don't think you can do anything about it. I've shown him, I've left written instructions, I've nagged, I've shouted I've screamed. And still he won't.

if I was in Droiles situtation where the kids are put in danger by his inability to think things through I would do the same as her.

Course I forgive you Custy. I've read things on threads and thought, 'well, I wouldn't put up with THAT!', so I do know where most of you are coming from.
Thanks Bossykate, Jimjams, et al. Relationship counselling - the trouble is, he knows all the right things to say and agrees with everything friends have tried to say. He wooed me by doing an impression of a feminist. He knows all the right answers, just won't follow through.

I don't know if you can insist on supervised access. I've heard of people coming unstuck in these situations.
Lil - I've tried serious threats - he says yes, then doesn't do it. So whats next, apart from leaving, which I teeter on the verge of constantly? What do I have to say to get through to you - I'm not letting him. You try and make a grown adult do something they have no intention of doing. It's impossible. You can tell, ask and threaten a thousand times, you just end up with no choice but to take the action that will hurt all of you, ie leave. Sometimes he concedes, if I've put my case particularly cleverly, and helps for a day or two, but then slips back into his old ways and we start the rows all over again. It's like Groundhog Day. BTW, I haven't excused my husband - there is no excuse for him. And I'm well aware that it's WON'T, not CAN'T. That book Why Men Don't Iron (or something) makes me see red, actually.
Beetroot. I don't understand how/why I'm in this situation either. When I met him, I thought it was because he was extremely busy, and he lost his cleaner when I came along (genuinely!). As I said, he had all the right patter. He was extremely egalitarian. Then it all slipped, as it does - we all put on a good show at the beginning of relationships. I had a cleaner last year but she didn't really want to do it, and I haven't found another yet- they're like gold dust in these parts. I have considered an au pair or teenager, and I'm trying to psyche myself up into having someone around the house, but really, that would just let DH do even less than he does.

No, I don't think it sets a good example to my boys, but what the bloody hell can I do? They have a great relationship with him, so I would be robbing them of all that, but my jury is still out on whether to stay or go. Last Friday, I was leaving and had even contacted estate agents. Then on Saturday night, everything was great again, and I'm staying. This morning, we've had a bit of both.
Sorry Holly, didn't mean to hi-jack your thread.