Had enough of dh's attitude

[Holly02]

Seems I am a similar position to custardo, going by the 'shed' topic. Just quickly, I am a SAHM (studying part-time) and dh works full-time & travels with his job.

I was cooking dinner tonight and trying to keep ds entertained at the same time while dh watched the news. DS and I were in the study (our home office) and ds picked up a felt pen that was lying on the desk, so I gave him a piece of paper to scribble on. A bit of the pen went on to the desk (vinyl top - not a great quality desk!!) and I thought to myself "I'll clean it off when I get a moment."

Anyway dh saw that some of the felt pen had gone onto the desk and he absolutely flipped out. Said that the study was HIS room (since when? what room do I get?), and that ds should not be in there using any kind of pens (mind you, dh has taken ds in there with him many times). It was actually dh's older son that had left the pens lying around, but I got into so much trouble for it - nevermind that I was trying to cook dinner and look after ds at the same time.

In the 3 years that we've had ds, NOT ONCE has dh come home from work to find any scribbling on the walls, stains on the floors, or toys lying around, as I am so diligent about keeping the place tidy. When dh started raving at me I just lost it, because I run the entire place without much help at all from him. He told me that if I didn't like it (looking after the house & ds and studying), I should go and get a job (pay for a housekeeper AND full-time childcare, I guess). But the thing is, he does practically nothing for ds even when he is at home. I bath him, feed him, dress him, take him out with me, put him to bed, etc etc etc - dh never does any of it, except on the odd occasion when I'm not here, and then he does it under duress. We also have dh's 17 yr old son staying with us most of the time, but that fact seems to have slipped his mind as well.

Anyway - I called him a few choice names (not proud of it) and we stood there screaming at each other while ds watched. I feel sick thinking about it now, because in the past I've sworn that I would not fight with dh in front of ds, and now it's happened again. I just feel that I can't stand dh anymore. Sorry for the rant but I'm so shocked that he lost his block over some pen on the desk. I've cleaned it off now BTW - and you would never know that it was there.

If it wasn't the idea of splitting ds' family up, I don't know that I'd still be here.

holly02, i'm going to be mean and critical which is a bit unfar when you've had such a bad time from dh but...

What on earth were you doing, letting your dh watch the news while you cooked and entertained ds? Unless he's a) had a really awful week and needed to relax or b) was watching the news for work reasons, you are simply facilitating his laziness. He's not at work, neither should you be - you're a SAHM, not a slave.

And the old 'I work much harder than you' excuse from working husbands is irrelevant, even if they do believe it (which I'm sure they don't really - if they did, more of them would be doing it). Personally, I think a dustman's job is fairly easy, certainly easier than mine, but I am quite happy to pay taxes to have someone else get paid more than me to do it.

Next time, I think you should hand ds over to him and go cook tea in peace.

But, have to agree with meanmum, there might be something else bothering him to get so upset so easily.

Dump him. Sorry to be so blunt, but he sounds like such an arrogant pig! You say you don't want to break up the family, but do you really want your ds to look up to your partner? To follow his behaviour? Being a mum is the hardest job in the world, people get paid a shit load of money to do what we are doing for free! So what if he earns the money? It is you who keeps the home for him, who buys his food, cooks his dinner, cleans and irons his clothes and takes care of his children - where would he be without you? Well I think it is high time he found out! If I were you I would pack my things and stay with a friend for a week, tell him to take a week's holiday to look after the children. If he refuses, go anyway, it's his problem to sort out. Your ds won't come to any harm, in fact he will probably benefit from the extra father-son time he will get!
We are not slaves, the traditional role of women was shattered years ago. You deserve as much respect as he does. Just make a list of what you do every day, you work damn hard with no holidays, no time off sick, no tea-breaks and no wages. If we all belonged to a union, most of us would be on strike!
Don't let this man control you. If you love him, then you need to take steps now to save your relationship, otherwise it will flounder sooner or later. Ignore this now, and it will only come back time and time again. View him as a child, if you give in now he will know that he has got away with it and will do it again, but if you are tough now, it sets the trend for the future.
Good luck.

I have to agree with Rhubarb, what she says maybe harsh but its so true, he may have problems but its no use taking them out on you and his child. He needs a BIG wakeup call. I would not normally add to this thread but I really feel for you. Please do not let him take you for a mug.

My dh takes our son down in the morning for a bottle ( w/e only - far too tired in the week - bless) so I can have a lie in - I then here josh screaming his head off as dh tries to force feed him and as you can imagine - no extra sleep for me, as I have to go and get the poor little thig before his father chokes him with a bottle....

Hi I am sitting here at 7;30 while DH is fast asleep upstairs AGAIN!!! Its his weekend off and don't I know it.
Rundown quickly.... I'm a SAHM with 3 kids, 2 have disabilities. I dress, feed, clean, play with them, bath them, get them ready for bed and put them to bed. He works 5 days a week. He has never cleaned the loo or the bathroom sink, come to think about it. He doesn't hover upstairs. He will cook and hoover but never twice in one day. I have to clean and wash the floors, do the dishwasher, wash the clothes, get DS to school (and I don't drive) get the girls their lunch and try to play with him in between. I take them to all their appointments and phone all the professionals to get things moving along.
When i moan about it all, DH turns and says "well you go to work and I'll stay at home" Yeah right, like he would do it all, he has got up with the kids 3 times in 14 months!!!!!!!!! He has bathed the kids about 4 times in 5 years!!!!!!!!! He would forget the appointment, he can hardly remember what time is his appointments are, let alone the kids (and sometimes, I have to take them to 3 in one day)
and all this was suppose to change!!!

Men!!!!!!! ARRGGGHHH!!!!!!!

Oh tell me about it mieow. Why is chasing professionals, filling in DLA forms, chasing LEA's, going to hospitals, etc etc, dealing with the extra crap that comes with a disable child seen as women's work?

I don't mind taking charge of the appointments too much- as they're always at awkward times- and if I ask him to come to one he will, but I do get annoyed that I have to do all the chasing, all the letter writing, and deal with all the unpleasant battling for services on top of actually having to look after a disabled child. I also get annoyed that he won't learn how to make the boys gluten free bread, or how to use the computer program to produce their pecs symbols. I do wonder what would happen if I had an accident/was ill/died!

Mind you I think dh knows he has the easy option- I'm not scared to remind him!

Mieow I know that phrase only too well ('you go to work and I'll stay at home'. It's so ridiculous because they couldn't cope. I have watched dh get uptight after a couple of hours with ds, let alone a whole week.

Anyway Rhubarb & everyone, I've had some issues with dh for a little while now, but I have to say that this is the first time in ages that he has reacted so stupidly about something. He is worried that I don't fancy him/don't love him anymore because of all the turmoil we've been through in the last six months, but on the other hand he has to be pushed into helping me and he also lies in until about 9.30 on the weekends. He doesn't like spending time with my family/friends and makes it quite obvious, which also drives me to distraction, because I always make an effort to be friendly/interested in his friends & family. Some things he just can't seem to change although he tries for a while, and then reverts back to what he was like before. I think I'm just getting less tolerant as time goes on.

The only other thing that could be bothering him is that he missed out on a promotion a couple of months ago, but I doubt that it's at the forefront of his mind right now. I gave him a piece of my mind the other night although he seems to think that he was right, and we've hardly spoken all weekend. I just keep hoping that something is going to change soon because I no longer have the same degree of interest in him and he knows it. It seems really, really hard to get that interest back once it's gone.

Here are the reason I won't go to work. I was admitted into hospital with DD2 at 27 weeks for 2 weeks. DS was allowed to stay up till gone midnight, didn't go to nursery (even though he was in a special nursery for his speech) DH had to sleep with the baby monitor on the loudest setting and right by his head because he doesn't hear her crying.

Sorry he came home LOL he doesn't bath the kids, forgets to feed them lunch, get wound up after 1/2 hour of being with them. Gets annoyed when they touch HIS things but doesn't put it out of reach (they should know not to touch!!!!!)

Yea course I'll go to work sweetie!!!!!

well I was going to have a real whinge about my dh but he doesn't sound half as bad as some of yours. Today he made me laugh though. As I struggled to empty the full nappy bucket I asked him to plug in and turn on the washing machine. At first he said he couldn't cos he was 'holding the baby' - multitask??? Then 2 mins later I went to check and found him staring forlornly at the machine trying to work out how to turn it on! Press the button!!! Aaargh.
I remember a couple of months after ds was born telling dh to pull his weight and change a few nappies and him protesting he'd already changed at least 10 - so if ds was 3 months old, nappies are changed about 5_6times a day - what percentage does that make exactly?

i truly believe with my heart and soul that we let the men get away with being inept and stupid may be its becuase we can laugh at them with other women ?? but we let it happen
i mean i wasnt born with the knowledge of how to iron, work the washing machine , feed a baby, steralise bottles, change nappies, work the hoover, sew, bleach socks, mop the floor, clean the toilet, sort the washing etc.

its a terrific form of control dont you think?

" oh what will i do darling while your out having a drink? i cant even change a nappy, ooops major dilems what the hell will i do if baby starts crying? it might be some internal thing that requires the hospital" yeah ok right

if the gadgets the men cant/dont use are so easy, then it wouldnt take anyof us more than 5 minutes to explain ( ie washing machine, iron) funny how they can work telly and video and dvd player and reprogramme a computer - but washing machines fail them? oh please please dont fall for it - they dont do it because in their heart of hearts they dont want to and so they are not going to - they go to work all week and they dont want to why sould they do what they dont want to do at home?..it doesnt matter that we might be working as well and that we have to come home and do it - becuase we do it even though its not our favouite thing - i mean since when was changing a nappy and ironing someones favourite past time??

when it comes to looking after baby and they neglect their responsabilities, i would remind them that if they dont take their responsabilities a little more seriously and in light of not being born with BABY knowledge, that they better pull their finger out or maybe social services will make a call. if they are really are that inept and stupid maybe they will believe you.

other than that tell them get their fingers out their arses cos its a complete piss take

men run the world but cant change a nappy? maybe at some level some women enjoy being the only person to deal with it - it becomes their domain of knowledge and expertease? i dont know am only pseudo analysing

and yes i know men dont have common sense my husband who does all the washing ( well used to when i had a soddin washing machine now its down the laundrette for me) always asks if he can put red things in with white - i simply reply try it and see, he never tries because a brain cell clicks into gear.

Have you heard the saying "Behind every famous man stands a great woman". I put that on my bosses screensaver many years ago.

My Dh and washing machines.....

One day I asked him to set a washing going. He stepped over the pile of dirty washing and set the empty machine going. I hadn't asked him to put the washing into the machine first....

Another day, he remembered to put the dirty washing into the machine but forgot to set it going. Then he hung out the dirty washing to dry, he didn't notice it was still dirty and not wet...

Another day, he put all the dirty washing in with a load that had been completed, the machine was completely overloaded and blew up.....

I've found that you really do need to "dump" the baby on him before he truely appreciates all that you do. My dh is lovely and really does do his fair share - all the washing, bathes dd, puts her to bed, cleans and tidies up, etc. But when he's there, I'm there too and so we take it in turns to amuse/look after dd while the other does what they need to. Despite his support, I was getting resentful feeling that he didn't really know what my days off alone with dd are like.

Two weekends ago I did my back in and couldn't do a thing (I promise it was genuine!) I lay in bed all weekend listening to dh running after dd. By Sunday night when I could move around a bit dh admitted he was looking forward to going back to work so he could have a rest - and he's a nurse!!!!

I think the suggestion of the odd day "off" with him looking after the baby is a v good one. However, I would understand if some mums might think their dh's hopelessness could result in injury or accident, maybe.

custardo you are so right. I am always amzed how many of my friends put up with shit from their lazy husbands. They moan about it all the time and yet they don't seem to realise that if you LET your husband get away with doing nothing...then he will. Fact of life.

It occured to me the other day that the reason men are into gadgets is that they have time to faff around recording/deleting and loading psions with info. that would be quicker to scribble in a diary. Women are just TOO PLAIN BUSY!!!

My top tip if he's got out of hand is, tonight go home and say.. er no, why are you giving me YOUR ironing to do.

Start from there and gradually get your life back!!

..and Holly, ask yourself, why did you clean the pen off? you didn't draw on the desk, your son did. Its not your desk - its your husband's, and ds is his too!!!

custardo, good points, i agree.

right on girls!!
trouble is though I need to be out of the way completely or I can't help myself. Also, I have this dilemma. dh needs constant stream of instructions or completely f*s up and the problem is it is then usually my stuff that gets dyed pink etc. But giving detailed instructions time and again is even more wearing than just doing it myself. I know, I know, all part of the master plan etc but it's working - any tips to make me as tough as you lot?

Just talked to my dh about above and he's completely shocked by atrocious male behaviour! He also said that when he has a crap day at work it's easy to think that I've been at home living on Sesame Street but he knows it's not like that. My dh had two days looking after ds recently and he loved it - however, he did admit that as they spent most of the time out, he didn't have to think about washing, cleaning, paying bills, etc. H has disability so has legitimate reason for not doing a lot of stuff around house bt I flipped out a few weeks back because I felt he wasn't doing the things we'd agreed he can physically do, like folding up clean washing and sorting it into piles. Completely agree with Moomin - experiencing a bit of multitasking childcare/houserunning/keeping sane is the only way they can BEGIN to get it!

only women can multitask, men only monotask!

Having said that custardo you're completely right.We let them get away with far too much. But if you say anything then they say you nag. AAAARGH! So glad I'm rid of my ex...

Didn't someone on a different thread say their husband told her she proactively nagged. Meaning she nagged in advance of the event rather than after it should have happened. I liked that and next time dh complains about my nagging I'll tell him that's what I'm doing.

You are right though, we make our own beds in terms of what we do and don't do and expect from partners. Also, some expectations are fostered from their mums. I am determined not to let my ds grow up thinking women do everything, hence the reason he helps me do the dishes and cook. You'll see by another thread I clean rarely so I can't expect him to do that without me. He's only 14 months.

Custdy - I'm in full agreement with you again! Holly, your dh might be having a bad time at work etc, but ask yourself, would he put up with such behaviour from you if you were having a bad week? I'm sorry but you cannot excuse his behaviour for ever. What happens when your ds has been particularly trying, he's ruined his clean clothes, thrown his dinner on the floor, the car won't start, you're late for everything, ds is having tantrums and you start your period early, does he come home and sympathise? Offer to make the tea? So why are you sympathising with his bad days? When was the last time you got put in for promotion? When was the last time your work was appreciated?

He doesn't socialise with your friends or family? That's just plain lazy, it's like he's got you now so why make an effort? For a relationship to work you BOTH have to work at it, it is no use you making all the effort if he is just going to take, take, take. You could be waiting for those changes to happen 5 years from now, do you honestly still want to be in this position 5 years from now?
You say he reverts back to normal after a couple of weeks, so he thinks a couple of weeks of good behaviour and you'll shut up? Sorry but he needs to change!
I hope you don't think I'm attacking you here, I'm not, it's just that I think I am seeing things here from a different angle. You have put up with this for so long I think you see it as normal, and it's sooo not!
Let's face it, men will take us for granted given half the chance, if they know they can get away with it they will. They know that if there are dishes in the sink, their resolve is stronger than yours. Why should they wash up when they know that you'll eventually give in and do it yourself? And all this crap about it being 'your job' is bollocks! Their jobs finish when they come home, when does yours finish?

As Custdy says, most of it is our own fault for allowing all of this to happen. Men aren't that inept, we've just made them that way. It's about time a few worms turned!

I am also amazed at how badly some men treat their families. I work part time flexi and dp is a fireman so works different shifts so our 3 year old is looked after by both of us. When I'm at work, dp cooks and cleans up that day and vice versa (although I have to admit he never does stuff exactly how I would do it!!) but basically he pulls his weight. He also does the majority of the DIY and cleans the car. He is also a fantastic father and has got better as our son has got older. I don't think any woman should be spoken to like Holly02. I would be seriously offended if my dp spoke to me like that and would question what was behind it.

Nevertheless, I am amazed that men are desperately unable to multitask and also tend to forget stuff needed from the supermarket! I've found that a list with clear instructions left where it can't be missed really works!!

Beetroot, Lil and others, I am at my wits end trying to deal with this. I have tried time after time to 'make' DH pull his weight by disappearing and forcing him into it, and it has been the source of no end of arguments. The results are astonishingly awful. As Mieow says, DS ends up going to bed at midnight. Yesterday, I left DH alone with both of them for an hour while I did some cooking. When I came back, the baby was BLACK with newsprint (it's toxic, isn't it?) He'd just ignored him and spread the papers all over the floor ........ When it comes to danger, as a mother, I just can't do it. In fact, the thought of leaving him altogether brings me out in hives when I think that that way he'll get weekend access... alone ... it doesn't bear thinking about.

Lambchop, you made me laugh so much I had to leave the room and log off LOL