Guys really I need help here aibu or not? Do I expect too much? Am I mad?

[emkana]

I just want to have a few conversations/cuddles with dh that are

a/not about the children
b/take place when the children are in bed, preferably
c/do not lead immediately to the suggestion of sex
d/take place with the TV/PC turned off

dh says NOBODY in real life has conversations like that with their spouse. I think he is WRONG and I want them!

And yes I know we could go out for a meal but that happens very rarely due to babysitter issues and lack of time!

And yes I know I started a thread about this the other day but nobody took it seriously!

It is hard, but it is possible.
We do occassionally have these conversations. Generally it involves us both whining about the house, but we do chat about stuff we have read in the paper/heard on radio/seen in the news or what have you.

Oooh, and we do a lot of bitching talking about neighbours and family too!

Btw, we never go out for dinner, but a bottle of wine and the stereo on helps.

Well, I don't think you are unreasonble BUT you are going to have to be in charge of making this happen not your dh.

You know what emkana, I think your DH is wrong and I think it's not too much to expect or want.

The trouble is, once you get into a pattern of behaviour, it's hard to change it isn't it? Did you used to have convos/cuddles with him that you want now? Have you run out of things to talk aboiut that don't involve he children?

Does a bottle of wine and the tv off help?

ok... maybe a bit different as DP and i dont live together but we have been together 2.5years...

we nearly every time he comes round, cook dinner (sometimes me, sometimes him, sometimes together). and we sit down at the table with music on, we never watch tv...

and we just chat.

pretty boring stuff probably (and some of it is about DS) but generally ends up in discussion about my college, his work, our friends, the environment, the news, whats made him or me laugh today...

it is possible. the key is... relax together cooking or ordering takeaway and then take time out to eat and talk together...

am i making any sense at all? !!!!

agree with nicky... wine and stereo good !

What do you want to talk about?

Do you initiate conversations/cuddles?

FWIW, DH and I were in a similar rut, until, bizarrely we started doing seperate things in the evenings. DH has his hobbies, and I have mine, now we have something to talk about! Bonkers I know, but it has worked for us.

Yes we used to have conversations and cuddles but they got less and less as we had more and more children...

I do tell dh that I would like to change things and suggest eg one night a week without the TV but then nothing happens.

When I do sit down next to him and say "let's talk" he will turn the TV off when asked but with his hand hovering over the remote so to speak, so not exactly a great conversation.

Off to watch Apprentice now, but will be back later.

I think if anyone where to sit down next to me and say "let's talk" it would put me right off talking and kill the conversation tbh!

Ditto arranging a night or time when we're going to have a conversation. That will make it seem forced and put pressure on you and DH to 'perform'.

A more chilled out approach might work. I was going to suggest you both getting your own hobbies (or even just you) or interests, or starting something new, because then you will genuainely have something to talk about.

Can you not have a romantic dinner for 2 at home? I do this occasionally - set the table, with a cloth, candles etc and cook a nice dinner/get a takeaway and bottle or two of wine. Telly gets turned off, we have to talk as we're sitting facing each other. Turning the telly off and sitting there next to one another on the settee just doesn't work. Why not get a bit dressed up too and get DH to go up and change, as if you're really going out? (obviously put the children to bed first!)

we put the telly in the loft! works wonders - he goes up there when he wants to watch it and has to make the effort. It means it's not blaring around the house all the time... could you try moving your telly to another room and reclaim a conversation space?

play scrabble, it works for us, no background tv or music, just a bt f brain training and you find you're chatting without having to 'try, iykwim

We tend to chat over a meal if we sit at the table together (no tv in the dining room helps!!). At the weekend sometimes the kids eat at the normal time one evening then we eat later and have an 'adult' meal together and the conversation flows as we catch up on our week.

Sometimes we go to bed a bit earlier and take a coffee with us and have a chat then snuggle down and have a cuddle and chat for an hour or so or til we are tired and just fall asleep cuddled up together.

We dont do this every week, probably do the meal monthly and the bed thing about twice a month.

We do this all the time. 3 weeks ago we ended up staying up an extra 4 hours as we were having such an interesting conversation.

We spend at least an hour together every evening just chatting.