She just called him on his phone (he left it at home) think my marriage is over - please talk to me

[naivemum]

I am shaking, in shock feel sick

I posted on her a year or so a go, my H had been having an 'emotional affair' with someone at work - he vows they never slept together.
He says they kissed when v drunk at xmas party. ususal story. I found lots of texts and emails between them. Not particularly intimate, but made me feel uncomfortable.
He all the while claimed they were just friends. It went on like this for 6 months.
It was only when I found an email from him declaring how much she meant to him, that I finally had proof of his real feelings for her.
I threatened to throw him out, but we had 2 children, i wanted to make it work and thought he was basically a good person that had let himself get carried away in the excitememt of someone showing an interest in him.
The following day I found out I was pregnant with our 3rd child. Not the best timing
The pregnancy went fine and DD is now 5 months old. I saw no reason to think he wasn't being homest with me, that he had nothing more to do with her, he has been trying to find another job as well.

Then today he left his phone at home. I saw a missed call, i knew the number instantly.
I have been trying to call him since, but he is not at his desk, I was so wound up, i ended up calling her back on his phone and asked why she had called this number, she hung up.
I was so angry she hung up, I left her a really nasty voicemail. prob not my best move, but I did it in anger.
I am still waiting for H to call me back.
Don't know how to deal with this now.
Do I call it a day??? I can't trust him H e has taken me for a fool AGAIN.
I am totally numb right now
someone please talk to me

I think oranges has made a very good point - was she calling from a work number or from her mobile? If she was calling to tell him he needed to come back then she should have done it from a work phone.
That doesn't mean anything about him necessarily, she may have been trying to get in touch with him without anything happening on his part and lied to him when he asked.

sorry havent read it all but wanted to say - you feel uncomfortable for a reason.

The good thing is he leaves his phone where you can see it.

BUT is this the only time she has called???

My h worked with his ow - it was hard and eventually she showed her true colours and it became clear that they could not both work in the same business, i just dont think it ever works - somebody ends up feeling crap.

Anyway i would say - if he really really wants to make it work he will have to accept that he has messed up and needs to do everything he can help you, and if that means leaving his job that is his choice and he should be willing to do it.

Good luck and try and focus on whatyou want now.

BTW - i would not tolerate any contact ever again and my h would know he was in very hot water and would be straight home if he thought she was contacting to upset me.

Hi HW - i remember talking to you about this before.

I have no idea if she has called before. I haven't been checking his phone for several months(although i could have done had I wanted to)

He says he is doing everything he can to find a another job, obviously jobs are not easy to come by at the moment.

I have to talk to him about it later.

After feeling so good about things recently, it's come crashing down and despite his protestations there is doubt in my mind now

Don't let him make you feel guilty for been supsicious over this - he was the one that put your trust in jepordy in the first place so...

TBH if this was/is innocent then he will not be anything but upfront and a sorry about it. Any load of too much talking and too much explaintion and its gobbledigoocking liar

Good Morning Naivemum

How did it go yesterday?

x

I'm with you on that Dittany.

I never believe anything they say if somebody "swears on X's life"

what an idiotic term that is

there should be many, many people struck down dead by thunderbolts as far as I'm concerned...

Having been there done that, my spider sense is tingling ...as yours clearly is
She hung up why??
He has veered from defending himself to getting arsey and blaming you
Your instincts are shoiuting at you!
Why did she ring him, if he was needed surely someone else could have??
You dont trust him Will you ever??

Hope it went well let us know

Oh yes the swearing on childrens lives - my XH did that swore vehemently and vigourously on DD1's life - he lied

I too dont like the swearing on life - and i hope he is staying calm and helping you to trust more. Any anger that you are not 'moving on' is imo not good.
It is a good sign that you are able to check his phone as it gives you some control.

I know i still have trust issues and tbh i think i always will - h knows this and is massively sorry that he has done this - he does everything he can to re-assure me still. We have both come to accept that i will not trust him (or probably anyone) 100% again .

To make matters worse i have been let down very badly by other people recently too - over very different things and it makes me want to mis-trust everyone .
Hey-ho life goes on.

I think you both need to go to counselling. Your trust in him has been horribly bruised and when somethng like this happens you, naturally, find it hard not to come to the worst conclusions.

Let's assume for hte moment that he is being completely honest iwth you. He is not helping his case by treating your anxieties with impatience. He needs to understand that trust needs to be rebuilt and this can take a long time. He seems to think you should be A OK now and deals with your fears quite abruptly. This is what he needs to work on, while you need to rebuild your trust in him.

You both need help. Ask him to come to counselling with you. Tell him this is something you both need to do (he will assume that the counsellor will tell him he's fine and you're unreasonable - they all think that - and let him continue to think that because he will find out what it's really like when he goes!).

Good luck.

sorry just some thoughts

why is she ringing his home mobile instead of his work phone/mobile (I have 2 mobiles - 1 work, 1 personal.. I don't expect colleagues who aren't also friends to call my home mobile)

If she doesn't work 'with him' just in the same building how/why would she know he was needed?

Why would she hang up if it was innocent.. after all she called have accidently pressed wrong button and called a wrong number or just explained it was an urgent work issue

she's calling him when she knows he's not at home?

on the other hand if they work in the same building why would she phone his mobile when she could talk to him face to face

Really sorry but I'd be thinking along the same lines as you though it could be nothing. Are you brave enough to invite her round to 'clear the air' once and for all?

Not helping the trust thing but its quite easy to delete calls from phone logs so the can check the phone thing doesnt mean anything

"But he has an iphone and I have no idea how to use it."

so you dont know for sure do you? how many calls he gets/doesnt get on the iphone from her (or anyone else!)
maybe she had both numbers stored and called the other mobile by mistake?

naturally suspicious, moi

hi
not been on all day, as interent connection playing up.

mascara - the reason he gave for her ringing his mobile is, he was out of the building at lunch, (hence reason for not speaking face to face) he was the only manager in that day, so there was no-one else to deal with the problem. nobody has work mobiles, they all use their personal mobiles. This is what he's told me anyway.

We spoke about it last night. He said he got upset with me because I launched into an attack on him on the phone before he actually knew what it was about.

he absolutely swears it was totally out of the blue, he does not have anything to do with her anymore.

he says he would never jeopardise his family again and it upsets him to see me like this.
talking to him, it sounds like he means it.
however he has said things like this before and then i have found out he's taken me for a fool and gone to her for a good old moan about me. I said this to him this evening, as i am still not 100% convinced, and he just kept saying he never speaks to her anymore.
Your guess is as good as mine now....

your reactions are normal. It is impossible for them to work together. He will try to convince you otherwise and believe me it will be your sainity that will suffer.

Does anyone else at work know about what went on? If not then i think he needs to tell someone and you should also make sure that management know the history.

It is a hard choice - he either stays in his job or his marriage. Yes that is harsh but at the moment it is you that is suffering. She is unlikely to leave of her own accord and would probably love you to cause a fuss as you could then be seen as the 'unstable' wife. Maybe that is why she phoned.??
Either way work need to be involved and told that the reason your h is seeking to change jobs is because of his affair, the ball will then be in their court if they feel they would rather keep him or her.

However dont expect them to be too supportive my h work said they were understanding and wanted my h and ow to still work together!! I dont think it ever works - he agreed to look good and she agreed as she could then put the knife in. She did - my h looked and found another job. His work did not want to lose him but the lack of support from them did nothing to keep his or my loyalty. I think given the choice they would have got rid of her but were too weak to actually do it in the first place.

Anyway good luck - but do make sure YOU feel happy with the situation now and it is not him calling all the shots from now on.

did she call from a work phone or from her personal mobile? Has he been called by others at work in the past and what did they use?

sunglasses - she used her personal mobile. But they do all call each other using their own mobiles, I know that is true, as I have seen him take calls from others at work.

Happywoman - he knows it is job or marriage. He has registered with agencies and has been for an interview, and has another next week. I can't accuse him of not trying, especially in the current climate.

I guess the thing that is niggling is she called on the day he happened to not have his phone. that to me says:
she either called on purpose (as my name suggests I am naive enough to think that would be sick)
or she regularly calls him and didn't know his phone was at home
or it genuinely was a one off.

The thing that is keeping me thinking positive is.
Surely if she calls him regularly he would have made sure SHE knew he didn't have his phone as soon as he got in the office, to make sure she didn't call
also when I saw her number come up on his phone and rang it back (assuming she was expecting it to be him on the other end) she answered wih quite a business like 'hello' . No friendly / joking / lovey greeting.

I could be grasping at straws here...but it is helping my sanity right now.

This might make you feel a bit better. On an iphone you can either delete all missed calls or all calls - it does not seem to be possible to delete just one call - although you can delete all texts from one person.

If the call history is fairly long in the phone memory the OW will not have called him before. Hope this gives you some peace.

dalek - thanks. when i had the phone in possession on thursday, after it happened, the 1st thing i did was check the call history ( after having managed to learn how to work it!) and certainly for the previous 4 days there were no calls to or from that number. that does help me.

I hope he is really trying an i am not suggesting otherwise.

What i am saying is - i know how hard it is to trust again and he NEEDS to get another job for your sake more than anything.

So dont feel any guilt for that fact.

Glad you are feeling better - hope it was just a one off, an things get back to normal now.

I swould entirely endorse the previous suggestions of counselling, I think it would be good for both of you. I don't think it's realistic for your DH to just up and leave his job without another to go to - your relationship is clearly already under stress, being in financial difficulties would simply add to that pressure.

Having been the other woman (and been warned off by his wife) I can easily see why she put the phone down, and not due to guilt - from my own experience I could imagine the following scenario at their office

B says to A (OW) 'C (your DH) is needed back at the office for a meeting/urgent conference call/H & S issue etc, you've got his number haven't you, can you give him a call'

A does it because its work - in fact she keeps out of your DH's way most of he time and vice versa, and in fact she's hoping he won't answer as its easier not to speak to him and just leave a voicemail. So she does.

And then a few mins later he calls back - except it's not him its you. And instantly she thinks ' oh shit, is this not C's number but his wifes? Have I dialled the wrong number? She's going to think they're something going on even though there isnt, I can't face this..Shit what do I do?' and hang up in panic.

OK, that may be entirely wrong - but its the kind of thing that would go through my mind in that situation....for a long time after the wife of the guy I was seeing called me, (and it all ended) I kept her number in my phone, just in case she ever called me so I'd know it was her and just not answer my phone. I had nothing to hide by then, but I still didnt want to be ambushed by her calling.

I hope you and your DH can work it out, I do honestly think counselling is the way forward though - and hopefully a new job will turn up soon as well, which should reassure you more.

Your latest comments make it seem to me that it was an innocent one-off when she called.

As you say, if they were in regular contact then I am sure he would have let her know that he didn't have his phone. Also, if there was anything between the, even mild flirting, she probably would have answered the phone in a coquettish way, rather than with a professional business-like "hello".

But what this has shoen is that you really need more convincing of your husband's fidelity and still need to rebuild the trust between you. I think the pregnancy probably distracted you both from facing and dealing with all the issues that his emotional affair brought up. So I would also suggest counselling, as others have.

Good luck with it all, and remember you are a strong beautiful woman - and have done nothing wrong.

thank you spacetrain - what a lovely thing to say