She just called him on his phone (he left it at home) think my marriage is over - please talk to me

[naivemum]

I am shaking, in shock feel sick

I posted on her a year or so a go, my H had been having an 'emotional affair' with someone at work - he vows they never slept together.
He says they kissed when v drunk at xmas party. ususal story. I found lots of texts and emails between them. Not particularly intimate, but made me feel uncomfortable.
He all the while claimed they were just friends. It went on like this for 6 months.
It was only when I found an email from him declaring how much she meant to him, that I finally had proof of his real feelings for her.
I threatened to throw him out, but we had 2 children, i wanted to make it work and thought he was basically a good person that had let himself get carried away in the excitememt of someone showing an interest in him.
The following day I found out I was pregnant with our 3rd child. Not the best timing
The pregnancy went fine and DD is now 5 months old. I saw no reason to think he wasn't being homest with me, that he had nothing more to do with her, he has been trying to find another job as well.

Then today he left his phone at home. I saw a missed call, i knew the number instantly.
I have been trying to call him since, but he is not at his desk, I was so wound up, i ended up calling her back on his phone and asked why she had called this number, she hung up.
I was so angry she hung up, I left her a really nasty voicemail. prob not my best move, but I did it in anger.
I am still waiting for H to call me back.
Don't know how to deal with this now.
Do I call it a day??? I can't trust him H e has taken me for a fool AGAIN.
I am totally numb right now
someone please talk to me

your, not you're. sorry.

My initial call was not abusive by the way. I simply said You called this number?
to which she hung up

'swore on our childrens lives' that nothing was going on.

What an odd and insincere thing to say....

I don't know if your dh is telling the truth or not but if he was seeing her would he have left his phone at home where you could find it and check it (or answer any calls)?
I would have thought if he had anything to hide he would be more careful than that?

Hope you get it sorted.

I can't imagine why she'd have hung up, too, wouldn't she have said why she was ringing if it was a work-related issue???

Does he normally keep his phone close to him/hidden or on vibrate or anything else dodgy?

I would be asking him to move jobs tbh. no way would I be able to live with them working together any longer - it is asking too much of your trust

And why was she ringing him if they work in the same office?

i thought that too laadeda

you would think that as soon as he knew he had left his phone at home he would have panicked and either have told her not to call or call you (if there was something going on that is)

he doesn't hide his phone and since what happened before he has told me he is happy for me to look at his phone if I wanted to. But he has an iphone and I have no idea how to use it. Plus to be honest for the last year I have trusted him, because I wanted to make things work and the thought of finding something would be the end.
He has called me back and said that he was needed back in the office, that was why she called. I asked why she had his mobile number, he said they all do in the office, because he is a manager.
He tells me that he never do anything to jeopardise our family again. He is trying hard to find another job blah blah blah.
I just don't know. I WANT to believe him, but I feel like I am on the edge of a cliff, clingning on by my fingernails.

To be honest I imagine the reason she hung up, is that when it all blew up a year ago, I called her and told her to leave him alone, etc.. she knows who I am and I doubt she would want to speak to me.

If you just said "you called this number" and she hung up, I can really understand why you are suspicious.

He may be telling the truth, he may not, the sad thing is that it is bloody hard to tell, because some people will just lie and lie and lie instead of holding their hands up and bloody admitting what they've done! They'll make you feel you're wrong or mean or crazy and all the time they are screwing around.

It could have been innocent and she panicked as she wasn't expecting you to answer.

I hope you can work through this. It sounds horrendous.

Hectates - when I speak to him, it all sounds so plausible.
But he then gets annoyed with me and says things like 'Why do't you get a job and i'll stay at home with the kids' and 'I don't want an argument tonight, so are we Ok or not?
I said right now I just don't know
So he says well let me know....!!!

He makes me feel as if I am blowing this out of proportion...and I start to question myself then, have I overreacted?

naivemum: Please don't panic. It really DOES sound innocent to me. Don't let this alone rot away the trust that you have built up again in your DH. xxx

He is doing the classic thing and blaming you for how you feel when his actions in the past have caused you to feel like you do and be suspicious - remind him of that maybe!

Have you checked the 'phone for any clues? I'd be tempted to buy a SIM card reader now, as you have access to his 'phone. So sorry to hear all this, as remember you well. I actually think you need some concrete evidence now, as I suapect you won't believe anything he says, as he has lied in the past. Don't feel bad about your answerphone message either...it's the least of your worries.

There is one possible explanation that hasn't been explored, but all options are worth considering...do you think he might have mentioned at work that he'd left his mobile at home, she overheard this and thought it was a good opportunity to cause trouble?

Check the 'phone, come on here for advice if you're not sure what to look for and write down a list of questions for his return. I do however think he/they will have had all day to concoct their stories, so I'm not sure you'll believe it anyway. You need proof - one way or another - remember, he has only ever admitted to anything he knows you can prove.

You poor love - you don't deserve this shock.

just read this all back and you are in an impossible situation really

like hecate says it is hard to tell - it all has to be based on trust and when things like this happen they can bring it all tumbling down. I suspect that you now feel that after months of tryingt o put it all behind you and trying to regain that trust it is all back to square one.

If you trust him and take him on his word - then draw a line and move will you get these same old suspicious sickening feelings each time he has a new female friend?

"Plus to be honest for the last year I have trusted him, because I wanted to make things work and the thought of finding something would be the end."

how have things been over the past year - have you been letting things go that have bothered you and this is the final straw?

Obviously just going on the details you've posted here it actually sounds plausible to me.
I think he would have been more careful about keeping his phone on him and i can see that she would have probably panicked when she heard your voice on the phone in light of what happened before.
That being said, you have to go with your gut instinct and know what is normal/suspicious for your dh.
Just wanted to give a different perspecive and really hope he is being honest with you and you can stay together. Xx

If her number flashed up rather than a contact name, it means she is not listed in that phone as a contact, which means he does not have her number programmed into the phone (so not a regular contact). This suggests he has not been in contact with her lately, or certainly not via that number with which she just rang.

People whose number I have stored in my phone always flashes their name and not their number so he could be speaking the truth and not be in contact with her and she may have been chancing it by phoning him.

You are not over reacting to this as you previously have had cause to find him being mentally "absent" from your relationship.

He needs to understand that any mention of, or contact from, this woman wil cause you concern and worry even if it was all innocent and she was phoning about work.

was the number that flashed up a mobile? If she's calling from work, wouldn't she use the office phone?
DON'T let him make you back down before you are totally comfortable with the situation.

naivemum,

I would not necessarily end it just yet; you need to hear more from him when the children are in bed and you are solely with each other.

What was happening in your lives around the time of his emotional affair?. What led up to him engaging in an emotional affair with this female work colleague?. This will need to be talked about between your own selves without either rancour or recrimination through relationship counselling if it has not already been discussed.

Did either one or both of you have relationship counselling following on from your H's emotional affair?. If that did not happen it is something that needs serious consideration by both of you now. You may certainly blame her but he was also a part of that emotional affair and is just as culpable. The residual fallout from his affair is still continuing to hurt you even if the call she made was actually innocent.

WWIFN - I have looked through his phone since - as best I can. Nothing on there at all.

I don't think she would have rung to cause trouble - that's really sick surely?

Profiterole- things have not been easy for the past year, we had a lot of ups and downs and i would have good days and bad days where I spent a lot of time dwelling on it all and letting myself fall in to despair. Also being pg with DD was a shock and I was concerend about bonding with her after everything and maybe even PND, even though that's something I have never had a problem with, however things have been fine and we seemed to be almost better than ever recently I thought things were back to how they were before.
We were guilty of taking each other forgranted before, and that has changed since.
However anything we've achieved has just come crashing down.
I have pretty much said this to him on the phone, but he keeps saying that everything still is ok and he thought we were doing really well.

it was her number - not her name and there are no other calls from her in his call log.

Attila - I don't know what the reason was for the emotional affair.
He became good friends with her and I think it progressed from there. I found emails from her asking if 'he could get his passport stamped' to come out with her on work do's - this was right at the beginning, so even though knowing he was married, she seemd to be pestering him. But I know I know...he is just as responsible.
She also had a boyfriend - not sure if she still does. I think the attention flattered him and he got carried away with it.
He was also about to turn 30 at the time...I think he honestly had some kind of pathetic crisis.

He moaned at the time about him never going out - she is 8 years younger than me and out clubbing all the time - I think he thought he was missing out.
We got married when he was 25 and I was 30 and we had our 2 DS's fairly soon afterwards. I guess he felt like his youth was ending when he turned 30

for info this is the original message I posted back in March 2008.

n feb i posted on here as i was suspicious of a friendship between DH and a woman at work.
there were late night texts, phone calls, and messages on facebook, although i never saw anything i could claim as being threatening to our marriage, i felt the amount of contact was inappropriate. Shortly after i posted that thread, i found out through facebook, that he had arranged to meet her one evening on a job (he has to work some evenings for a job seperate to the one he works at with her), he didn't tell me about it, and when i brought it up with him, he told me he waas going to tell me, but hadn't done as they'd only arranged it the previous day. he knew how I felt about her, but had made the arrangement anyway, sneakily behind my back. I went mad about it and he said he'd been picking his moment to tell me as he knew how i'd react. Anyway he never took her, and things were quiet for a while, in fact he told me that he'd 'distanced himself' from her at work.
A few weeks later I found a text from her saying she was 'not avoiding him at work, but being careful as people were talking' I had no qualms about reading his texts as far as i was concerend it was self preservation and trying to protect our marriage. I brought it up with him, and this time, I was on the verge of leaving, I had had enough of the lies and sneaking around and being told total crap, but he said it was one person who had amde a comment, and that's what offices were like, he only went to lunch with her a couple of times and people would gossip etc.. etc. For the sake of the kids I have stuck it out. But at easter he had popped out and i went on the internet and found he had been using hotmail and I knew he hadn't used a hotmail account in years. I found 2 emails to her.. one sent at the beginning of feb ' what we did lead me to think something might have happened...now i know it never will. So back to normal. the other had been sent the day before...'thanks for listening to me today, i needed to talk things through, now you know how i feel, and i know how you feel (and always did really), you mean so much to me and always will and i am glad you will always be there for me.
At this point I picked up the phone to her and asked her outright what is going on with my husband. She swore to me on her mothers life (i think she still lives at home with her!) that nothing had happened, she said she respected DH as a married man, i asked why people at work thought something was going on, she basically denied everything. When DH got home i showed him the emails I'd seen. His account of things was as follows... at their xmas party she had tried to kiss him (i suspect it was more mutual than this), he says he brushed her off, she was pissed, she made a mistake, which is his expalination for the 1st email. In spite of this he says she has been a really good friend to him while things have been stressful at work but he knows he can't remain friends with her as it is threatening his marriage, so he says she does mean alot to him, but his marriage means more.
I am not entirely sure what I believe...this was 4 weeks ago, although i was ready to leave this time, i have stayed as i believe we can rebuild things. However it is so hard, i can't bear him going to work with her...it is monday morning again, and I am sitting here in tears because he is there with her. As far as i am aware the texts, emails etc...have stopped (unless he has made another account??!!), I am struggling to trust him, and findig i am on a rollercoaster, with some days being great and other days I want to rip his head off. He still maintains that he hasn't actually been unfaithful and i wonder if i am over reacting, but the sneaking around has made it difficult for me to trust him, he might as well have been unfaithful.
I realise I have written an essay here, if anyone is good enough to read and and give me some advice or support, i would be very grateful, by the way i have told no-one about this as I can't bear that thought of people judging us and gossiping.

Naive Mum; Believe me, I would never have thought another woman could be capable of such tactics until I encountered the OW in my own case. This is just the sort of thing that person would do if she got the chance! There are signs of this in your OW's case - sneering at you having him on a leash at home etc. She will have known which buttons of his to press too, especially if he had been moaning about not having much of a social life (even in a jokey way).

I do think counselling would help you both - there are understandable trust issues and I really don't like his reaction to you this morning. We've had a couple of incidents that have had a completely normal explanation (i.e. me forgetting our DD's mobile number and wondering why this number showed up on his utterly open, lying around bill so much - doh!!) but his reaction has always been complete understanding and empathy. Never irritation or defensiveness. He understands why things like this happen and that trust takes ages to return (if ever, really...) In my experience, people only get angry and defensive when they have been rumbled.

right...

I was not aware of your previous history but thanks for posting your original post.

i think it is clear from the history that even though he may not have actually slept with her there was some amount of infidelity on his part and it is also extremely clear that this has hurt you deeply.

sometimes emotional affairs can hurt deeper than the purely physical ones (ie the ones where it is just about the sex). This man was supposed to be your best friend the person who you would trust with your life and he betrayed that when he took things further than a usual 'friendship' with this woman.

i think the true problem you are facing is whether or not you can truly trust him (as in you take everything he tells you as gospel so much so that you would never question or check up on him)

i think you can get the trust back - but it depends on if you want to.