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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Wives tired of DH/DP's work. Anyone else out there?!

65 replies

butterfly74 · 22/04/2009 22:29

Just wondered if anyone else is fed up of their DH/DP's long or unsociable hours at work? When we have time together it's great but my DH works shifts so I'm often on my own in the evenings with the DC's. It'd be nice to hear from others in the same boat for a mutual moan
BTW I do know for sure he IS at work I see the hour sheets and payslips for all you cynics who think he may be elsewhere!!!

OP posts:

MrsJamesMartin · 22/04/2009 22:32

Absolutely agree. Was moaning this evening to DH as was trying to organise a night out with friends the closest mutually convienient date is 3rd July!

Original poster

butterfly74 · 22/04/2009 22:41

I can definitely relate to that. Does he do shifts too? My DH is in one of the blue light jobs I hope you have marked your night out on the calendar in permanent marker!!

OP posts:

MrsJamesMartin · 22/04/2009 22:50

Yep does shifts and is also in one of the blue light jobs!Maybe its the same one? It gets very annoying having to plan so far ahead and I get annoyed that when he is off at the weekend they are always taken up with something, we never seem to have time to just 'be'!

usernamechanged345 · 22/04/2009 22:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Insanity · 22/04/2009 22:57

Same here too! My husband is in the forces, his leave is never confirmed so hard to book holidays in advance and soon he will be away for 6 months, and my family live 500 miles away. But I also think it must be harder for him as he is the one who misses out on the children growing up - I know I couldnt kiss my dc goodbye and not see them for 6 months!
And yes, I moan and think how unfair life can be but god, I love him ! x

bigted · 22/04/2009 23:59

my dh just got made redundant

myredcardigan · 23/04/2009 00:07

Sorry, Bigted.

My DH is a solicitor and is rarely in before 9pm. Sometimes much later. He's also often away for days at a time all over the country.

On days off he still has 2 or 3 long phonecalls and even on holiday he's on the phone.

I regularly complain but he just reminds me that to earn what he earns he needs to do what he does and we have a stupidly high mortgage and school fees to pay.

It makes me sad that he misses out with the kids so much.

bigted · 23/04/2009 00:20

neither situation is easy , is it?

my bf's dh is a solicitor. They are very well off but she seldom sees him. In fact she is the most unhappy woman I know and she really envies me my (unemployed) hands on, always there for me and the kids dh!

whereismumhiding · 23/04/2009 13:33

I always described myself as a "married single mother".

H works long hours in London and rarely saw the DC except to kiss them on the head if he felt like it at night. His job was always much more important to him than his family. He saw them at weekends but on his terms- most of that was spent him "doing DIY" jobs around the house, lying in, or on the computer or doing a 'pick and mix' (taking one or two, not all 3) for a few hours to a play place where he sat and read the papers and he deserved a medal when he came back as he had "had the DC all afternoon for me". The DC usually ended up pottering around the house with me looking after /entertaining them.

He has now left us for a "new life" and suddenly thinks he can, after all, make time to be home early to collect the DC from school once a week. Funny how he could never do it before, even when he worked around the corner. Anyway, that's a different situation and not the same as yours.

I find I am less lonely now as a real single mother than I was as a married single mother. I have more support now than I had before. It was more difficult thinking he might/should be there to help and take an interest in the children and have him not be, than not have him here.

You almost have to build your life as if they are not there to keep going when you're married to a workaholic. I think your DH will get it or not at some point, if you can express it gently (I worry for you that you dont see the kids much) than trying to get him to do more for them by asking him constantly.

screamingabdab · 23/04/2009 13:40

My DH is also a solicitor, but has decided, for the sake of his happiness and being around more for the family, to forego the larger salary he could get as a partner in a law firm, and work for another organisation.

We are lucky to be in a position to have this choice, but IS still a choice, and our lifestyle is adjusted accordingly.

screamingabdab · 23/04/2009 13:42

Sorry, butterfly74, it was rude of me not to acknowledge you!

You have my sympathies

ABetaDad · 23/04/2009 13:45

Please do not blame your DHs - it is not their fault. They do not want to be at work those hours. Who would?

Some organisations place enormous pressure on employees and in difficult times as we are in now a lot of people are under even more pressure to deliver and it does not matter how many hours that takes as far as most firms are concerned. They and their employees (your DH) know the simple fact is that if an employee does not like it they can always try and get a job elsewhere. If they know you have mortgage and kids at private school they turn the screw.

Frankly, most firms simply feel that if they pay someone then they have a total right to demand they put aside the rest of their life. It gets worse the more senior a person is and the higher the pay.

myredcardigan - said how it really is.

bigted - sorry to hear your news.

screamingabdab · 23/04/2009 13:48

ABetaDad you are right about many organisations

Shit, isn't it?

TheCrackFox · 23/04/2009 13:52

DH is a chef and works crazy hours (60hrs+). I asked him in January if he could get a Saturday off in June (so I could go away for a Hen night), he honestly didn't know. He is the Head Chef and writes the rota, WTF? Anyway, luckily for me my mum could do it. But she still works full time and lives 3 hours away.

I try not to moan, after all he worked these hours before I met him. However, I have noticed that he always seems to be able to get the time off if it is something he needs/wants to do.

It does get easier as the DCs get older. I do consider myself a very strong person now.

ABetaDad · 23/04/2009 13:55

Yes - that is why I always made sure I had the freedom to walk out of every firm I ever worked for (as did my wife). We both walked away from several firms who were being unreasonable.

I find it is only if you can threaten to leave and go to a competitor that they start being being nice. Employment is just a constant brutal negotiation nowadays.

Abi12 · 23/04/2009 14:00

DH leaves the house at 5:30am and gets home about 5:30pm - which isn't too bad but recently he has started taking on weekend work as well. I find it so depressing when he works the weekend because everything feels so monotonous - like the week goes on forever!

I agree ABetaDad it's not their fault - they are only trying to earn money to keep everything going but sometimes I really long for someone to share the baby with!

kettlechip · 23/04/2009 14:06

Oh I hear this. DH works away in London (we're a long way from there) Mon-Fri and then is too knackered to do anything at weekends. He's a company director so seems to be on call 7 days a week and has a Blackberry practically glued to him at all times.
Very frustrating, and the financial rewards don't always compensate for the lack of quality family time imo.

TheCrackFox · 23/04/2009 14:17

The one thing that does rile me a little bit is people always say "oh, your poor DH, working such long hours". It is a shame, yes, but what about me? The DCs aren't cooking their own dinner etc.

ABetaDad · 23/04/2009 14:22

kettlechip - you hit the nail on the head. The issue everyone on this thread has to decide about is right there in this phrase:

"the financial rewards don't always compensate for the lack of quality family time"

In my case, I took a massive downshift in my standard of living, but a massive upshift in quality of life, by giving up work. We moved out of London and am lucky to have seen my kids grow up every day. Not everyone can, I know, but some could and still plough on with terrible working hours.

Sometimes, it takes the woman in a relationship to take her man aside and simply tell him she is prepared to take the hit on the standard of living so he does not have to do the work he does. I have a few female friends that have done this, saved their marriage and quite possibly the life of their DH.

There is no truer statement than "no one lays on their death bed and says I wish I had stayed in the office longer."

Men are under incredible moral, personal and emotional pressure to provide for their family and sometimes it takes the other person in the relationship to 'let' them shed that burden. It has taken a male friend of mine a decade to come to terms with that decision - it was very hard for him as he felt he had failed his wife and kids.

Insanity · 23/04/2009 14:35

I never coped with him being away all the time when we first got married, the house always seemed so quiet and scary at night!

Add in some children, and I am a very strong person too, but sometimes it is hard to fit dh into "our" routine when he is home.

Insanity · 23/04/2009 14:37

and I can only dream of "financial rewards".......

TheCrackFox · 23/04/2009 14:43

We are only beginning to see a glimmer of financial rewards now. DS1 is nearly 8 yrs old! But, I can't imagine DH doing anything other than being a chef. He was born to do it.

MorocconOil · 23/04/2009 14:46

I dislike not being able to go running, play netball in the evening due to lack of child care. Doing all the taxi-ing around is hard with 3 DC when DH is away. Also planning, cooking and clearing up meals on your own is soul-destroying especially when the DC refuse to eat. It can be pretty lonely and I find myself envying my friends whose DP'S are always around.

prettyfly1 · 23/04/2009 14:46

Can I add to this one. I am the breadwinner and my partner has to stay at home - I can earn more. Like many of your partners I work away a fair bit, am on call most of the time and regularly pull a seven day working week. I dont do it because I want to - I do it because my family needs me to to keep our roof over our heads, food on the table and shoes on their feet. I hate the hours I work although I do love my job but if I were critisced or moaned about for providing a reasonable standard of life for my family I would be really furious. I understand it must get difficult sometimes but at the same time for many of you its NOT choice but is necessary and it feels on here like men cant win at times. If they work to provide they get slated. If they dont they get slated. For many of them cutting hours would mean huge added pressure for bills and lets be honest right now for most of us still in work we are just grateful to have jobs. There are an awful lot of women around the country struggling terribly thanks to redundancy who would give anything to be annoyed that they dont see their partners enough and know that the mortgage etc are paid. Not having a go btw - just a quick reminder that sometimes we expect too much of the men in our lives.

ABetaDad · 23/04/2009 14:59

prettyfly1 - well said.

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