Wives tired of DH/DP's work. Anyone else out there?!

[butterfly74]

Just wondered if anyone else is fed up of their DH/DP's long or unsociable hours at work? When we have time together it's great but my DH works shifts so I'm often on my own in the evenings with the DC's. It'd be nice to hear from others in the same boat for a mutual moan
BTW I do know for sure he IS at work I see the hour sheets and payslips for all you cynics who think he may be elsewhere!!!

And I agree as well prettyfly1

I also know that it is harder for my dh to have to leave us behind for 6 months then it is for me to wave goodbye. (But sometimes I like to wallow in my self pity of "my life is hard",whilst also knowing his is much harder with little sleep and being shot at!)

I also understand that if it wasnt for his job we would be worrying about redundicies and so therefore do not blame him for the hours he works and the months he is away.

DH works weekends which is a PITA and I get really lonely. Also fortnightly shift patterns, so difficult for me to get a job with fixed hours that fits round him. And all for 12Kpa grrr....

Prettyfly1, yes of course you are correct. The last bit of my post should have said that we both find it hard that he sees so little of the kids as depite everything he is a very hands on Dad. It's just that he's not able to be here as much as either of us would like.

Also, I am very aware of the pressure he feels under to provide. DS is in Reception and we have 2 other kids at home. Before DS started school we did have a long discussion where I told him I was happy to down size house and cut back lifestyle and go back to work f/t which would cover school fees. But TBH, when it comes down to it, although he feels the pressure, he loves his job and I think to a certain degree loves the pressure too.

I'm almost ashamed to admit this but I try to make home as comfortable and relaxing as is possible with 3kids. When he's been away, I do pander to him the first day back and am very 'little wifey'. Clean house, yummy food, bring him beer, offer 'services'. It just helps him settle back in and by the next day he'll be putting a washing on or changing DD2's nappy. I think he appreciates it and I feel he needs it to help him wind down and enjoy the time he does have with us.

Can't pretend it doesn't get to me sometimes especially when the kids are ill.

Yep - I feel like a single parent a lot of the time. DH is in the Army (not deployed at the moment) and works 14 hour days.

He's also away for the next 5 weekends on the trot. I work full time too so do every nursery run and bath/milk/bedtime etc.

So far this year we have had one weekend together.

It's not easy but I just try and get on with it. People say I do too much!

Well that's my moan over

Hi Myred - I dont think you should be ashamed to admit that - I think its nice that you show appreciation of the effort he puts in and as a result he is happier to help you out - surely that is kind of how it should work? Give and take and all that?

Also just wanted to say my comments are NOT aimed at forces wives. My dad was in army for seventeen years and was in the falklands and first gulf war. For long stretches of time my mum was alone with us and that IS bloody hard and often very lonely, not too mention stressful whilst you worry about your partners. Hats off to you ladies!

I know that-on balance. I just never pictured myself as a SAHM let alone one who catered to her husband's wants and needs. If you'd told me at graduation that I'd practically give it all up to be a wife and mother I'd have laughed you out of the room. But I'm older, less militant and more pragmatic now. He's a good husband and father, he loves us and provides for us and our balance works. It's just not what I aspired to.

Thank you

But absence does make the heart grow fonder!

Myredcardigan - I completely understand where you are coming from. I am happy (mostly) it is just not the life I had mapped out for myself when I was 21.

Yes, thecrackfox, I think that's it. I have a good life, a good marriage, 3 great kids. I know I'm lucky. I've learned that life can be good even if it's far removed from what you expected.

Have you ever thought about the women and men who have to work long hours just to feed and cloth their children? They cannot afford books, cups of coffee, makeup or any extras never mind worry about "lifestyle choises". God I need to quit this site! If your other half is a solicitor, your children most likely attend private schools, you have holidays abroad and live in a nice big house. Survival just does not come into it.

Oh Salla, I'm well aware of how lucky I am. I grew up on a council estate and we lived very much hand to mouth.

I know that I have the financial rewards to cushion not having him around. It is still hard having 3 children of 5 and under and coping for days on end on your own. I have no family and ILs live abroad.

Please don't feel you should leave MN. The beauty of this site is the fact that everyone brings different POV and different experiences.

My situation is the same as you have said Salla,my poor DH is working at present from 7.30am til half 9/10 in the evenings 6 days a week. He works for farmers so its either work the hours or fae the sack, at this time of year he wont get bank holidays off. He has pulled a calf muscle last night and was still at work today because he cannot afford to take the time off to go to the doc or rest it.

That's the thing that gets me about MN too sometimes. Some people really do live in a bubble and have no idea how other people live.

I have had a very fortunate life but I aware (very aware) that others don't.

I once had a friend who said 'There is no such thing as poverty in the UK' The sheer ignorance.

hf128219, I actually find MN the least insular of any parenting forum. Yes, there's a disproportionate number of professional mc women. However, on the whole I find the views on here quite centre leftish. Most posters show awareness and empathy and not just in a glib way.

Anyone who doesn't believe there is poverty in this country should read Polly Toynbee's, Life in Hardwork Britain.

That's why I used the words some people sometimes

Sorry, the book is actually called, Hard Work; Life in Low-pay Britain.

Thanks myredcardigan.

Glad I found this thread.

My husband is a doctor (and no, our daughter doesn't go to private school). He works all the hours god sends and when he's not at work, he's spent years studying and going on courses (which we paid for ourselves). Our house if full of doctors magazines and all sorts of bloody paperwork. He has no time for outside interests and, as I am housebound most evenings, his work totally buggers up my life too.

I dread the weekends - the monotony of it. We can NEVER make plans. If we go on holiday, he has to work extra shifts before and afterwards to compensate for any on-call shifts he's missing. Last year his pay dropped by £12,000.

What I hate most of all is the lack of support from his family (who live close by). They know he spends weekend after weekend at work in the hospital but they NEVER offer any help with our 3 year old, despite the fact I'm now heavily pregnant. They never help unless they are asked and then never seem thrilled about spending time with her. They've helped three times in three years.

She's a lovely child, entertaining and well behaved and they have only one other grandchild (100 miles away)

I don't and never will understand them and I will never, ever offer any sort of care for them in return.

I'm another one whose DH works long, unsocial shifts (1pm - 3am yesterday). I hate the 1pm starts in particular, as it means I don't see him at all. I leave the house while he's in bed, drop DD at nursery, rush home to collect her, laundry, cook, clean, and then sleep . He's supposed to only work 10hr shift, but invariable a case comes in that means at least three or four hours' extra work.

I do know that I'm lucky he's in gainful employment though, and I also can't imagine how hard it must be for those whose DH's are posted abroad for months on end.

Hf, the sorry was for you not the book. Should have full stop after it not a comma. Wanted to explain that it wasn't a dig.

Yes, I admire the spouses of those in the Forces. At least the most DH is away at a time is 1wk. I also don't have the constant worry over his safety.

mogwai - very hard on you. I can't understand the lack of famiy help. My father was a Dr and was always working long hours when I was little. However it never harmed our relationship - he is 80 in June and I am still a Daddy's girl

Not sure that has helped you much though.

Just wanted to add my best wishes to anyone with a DH/DP/DW in the forces and away on a tour of duty. I don't know how you live with it - or indeed how your DH/DP/DW does either for that matter.