So...honest thread about what men really think when their wives put on weight post DCs..

[PussinJimmyChoos]

I know I've put on weight post DS...I was a curvy 10st pre DS

I was constantly hungry during pregnancy and put on 4st. Have lost two stone of that (DS is nearly three) but still have the post baby tum, stretch marks and a c section scar from an em cs. I am hour glass with it and go in and out in all the right places, so do look womanly, but am definately padded!

I know DH doesn't find me as phyiscally attractive as pre DS...hell I don't find me as attractive but what I find hard to cope with, is that he is obvious in his dislike of the extra weight

This change in body shape is due to becoming a mother...I don't have the energy most nights to do work out DVDs..I'm too busy working part time and I do all the cooking, cleaning, menu planning and shopping..in short, I'm putting my family first before myself really

Do men see that women are putting their energies into the home rather than themselves and act accordingly, or do they just think blimey luv, time to shift the baby weight??

I find this idea that a man would leave his wife after she had had children simply because she's put on a couple of stone preposterous.

What kind of man are we talking about here? he would leave his wife and his children simply because she'd developed a bit of a tum? Come on.

A man who thought like that would, I'm sure, be equally quick to leave if his wife stopped dressing "sexily" for him, was overdue tending to her roots, or simply got older.

Best rid of the wanker IMO.

httm: i'm sorry if what i said upset you, but going on the basis of what you've said in this thread, that you eat "half of what i want to" and live in "constant denial" to maintain a weight that by objective measures is on the low side for your height, whilst still not believing you are slim and that you believe women who put on weight should expect their husbands to look elsewhere sounds pretty messed up to me [shrug]

if it's any consolation most women in our society have body image issues, whether or not they're fully conscious of them.

I think most men find confidence sexiest, I have known women who had lovely figures who would never let their partners see them naked (with the lights on), I know I feel better in myself when I take care of myself.

I agree Libra, I don't think she does eat enough, I worked with a woman very similar who joined WW's and ended up losing 4 stone, all the time marvelling at being able to "eat so much".

milen and trefis thanks for your replies.

I don't think I work very very hard at maintaining my body shape- what I do do is refuse to buy bigger clothes! so if I start creeping from a 10 to a 12, I cut back.
What I mean by being in constant denial is that if I saw say a gateau or a cheese cake, my appetite would be that I could eat it all not just one slice. However, my metabolism- and that of my parents, now in their 80s- is that I would very soon balloon to an unhealthy weight if I did that.

I eat healthily and well - what I don't do is eat junk, mainly because I have medical conditions/allergies which means I can't anyway.

I am not obssessed with my weight or figure, but at the same time, I am aware that my grandmother, my uncle ( mum's side) and my
mother all suffred from heart disease and/or strokes, so I am determined to be as healthy for as long as possible.

Responsing to OP

When I delieverd ds1 I ws back in my pre-pg size 12 skirts to go home. Never an issue then. However I have no had three rpegnancies and haven't always been so (not lucky, ahd to work at it, dedicated maybe?)

After ds3 I balooned and eventually lost it all and a bit more. DS4 weight is still here but mainly as I am still BF and starving as a result. I know I will ahev to work hard at losing it soon or risk the kind of obesity related health issues my family are susceptible to. Plans have somewhatt been delayed as ds1 has a suspected eating disorder; ic an hardly enocurage him to eat up if I am n a diet, I have to present happy body image at all times.

Dh fortuantely doesn't give a damn, not being aive- all women he dated before me were the size I am now, or bigger.

I certainly wasn't lazy to gain weight: having had a child with IUGR and SPD (limitng exercise) bieng limited in any way with my calorie intake would have been ridiculous.

I know I willlose it, I know it will be ahrd work but that's OK. But it's not my biggest priority atm. By quite a long way, tbh.

I have been trying to work out what bothers me about this thread and I've just realised. When it comes to body image and health it doesn't matter a jot what the other person in a partnership thinks. The only way to get the body you want is to do it for you. If you allow someone else to dictate you are never going to be happy.

If my Dh left me because I got fat I'd probably think I got off lightly. As he wouldn't be the man I had thought he was. But we been together 20 something years so he's seen me in various shapes and sizes and has shown no sign of going.

What bothered me was that sex education show on C4 a few weeks before. Young lads whose expectations were way off beam and who would, apparently, turn down an unshaven fanjo . I think I'd feel pretty miserable if I was 20yrs younger. The need to be perfect does seem to be an issue.

'To suggest that all men would run off simply because their wives put on weight during their childbearing years is insulting to both sexes'

abso- fucking- lutely

I wouldn't leave Dh if he became morbidly obese, and I wouldnt lpay around. I expect the same from him. When we met he was 3st lighter than he is now but- hang on, now he ahs the healthy BMI; he was severely underweight before. his change ion appearance has not in any way affected how much I fancy him though and if he changed that for appearance reasons he wouldnt be the man I love anyway. I expect more in a lifetime love affair.

Orm I was thinking about that program yesterday.

I was thinking that they made a very big deal out of showing the boys a range of different penis shapes sizes etc to reassure them that theirs were normal, as the ones they saw all the time in porn were unrealistically large.

It suddenly occured to me that they didn't do the same for the girls. Why not? I have heard that women think that their labias etc are abnormal if they aren't perfectly shaped and the inner lips nicely tucked away inside etc. Exactly the same issue for both genders and yet only the boys got the reassurance.

Also when they were showing the penises the men showed them themselves ie handled them, when it showed the vagina the person doing the showing had surgical gloves on, what does that say?

The whole thing was supposed to be terribly worthy but on closer examination was not as great as advertised IMO...

I think these constant subtle and not so subtle messages about womens bodies are what drive us to be thin/dress a certain way etc. Nothing to do with what men want, or even what we want half the time...

So many interesting responses...I would like to clear one thing up though, DH isn't threatening to leave me or anything like that just because of the weight gain, its just I know he doesn't like it that's all and wondered what other women's experiences were and what other men thought

I really like Morning Paper's post -spot on -eating is the one treat that I can fit in in the evening and 'reward' myself at the end of a busy day..I should imagine a lot of women do this as well. I don't do it every night as otherwise I'd be huge, but agree it is a factor in the weight issue.

On the days I work, I'm up before 7am and I don't sit down for some 'me' time until after 7.30pm..I only get 30mins for lunch as well, most of which is spent dashing to the local shops for something or the other (yes, I do make lists and do a weekly shop but there always seems to be something!!)

I really like Morning Paper's post -spot on -eating is the one treat that I can fit in in the evening and 'reward' myself at the end of a busy day.-

you see, I'd say that this type of response was indicative of an eating disorder, as food is obviously more than just fuel, it is a "reward" ????

A reward could just as easily be a great run, a great walk, a book, a film, a chat with a friend.

I know that food is a basic humanneed and an appetite to be sated, but emotional eating is certainly one cause of obesity.

I think thats reading too much into it tbh.

Idont have a sociallife and cant get one; I cant drink above one unit a week; I dont smoke.... so to relax twice a week dh havea lovely meal at home. It's the treat aspect of that we see as the 'reawrd'; the meal is enjoyable.

I have a stone and a half to lose (after putting on 4 stone over pregnancy)

Ive just recently gone on a diet partly as it was bothering me and was beginning to get me down and partly because if I dont Ill have to buy a whole new work wardrobe when I go back to work.

I told my DH and he said that this was fine but only if I was doing it for ME not because he had given me the impression that he wanted me to lose it (he didnt) or because most of my mum friends have gotten back to their pre-pregnancy weight.

The strech marks dont bother me one bit funnily enough, I think because theres nothing I can do about them so why worry.

Yes I wouldn't say I had an eating disorder but I do agree that a lot of weight issues are emotional rather than merely eating through hunger - even weight watchers have cottoned onto that - the latest advert talks about triggers for eating - stress etc..

Its a mindset that women tend to get into though - a man (generally!) will eat a cake and be done with it.. a woman will weigh up a number of factors before deciding whether to eat a cake! What the scales said that week, are the waistband of the jeans a bit snug or a tad loose, have we been 'good' that day and then decided...then feel guilty afterwards! Its not a healthy approach by any means, but I can bet you, the majority (not all obviously!) of women will admit to this line of thinking!

I read in a magazine once we need to get out of the I've been good/bad mindset with food and instead think, have I nourished my body today...interesting..

Starting to wonder if this should have been posted in the weight threads as its going this way

i'm sorry. but gonna wade in about bmi.

it's a load of crock for some people. my bmi has always been in the obese category. even when i was at my lowest weight i was "overweight". with bones everywhere. doctor rabbiting on about i needed to loose weight. i actually lifted my top to show her my ribs to shut her up. i've previously had iron issues with trying to diet. so i wont listen to the quacks when they keep requesting i loose more weight.

i recently went again as suspected iron issues when i have been losing post dd weight. i've gone down from size 22 to a current size 16. i still weight in at 95kg. at 5ft 10. giving me a bmi of 30. and technically being obese.i've still got another dress size down i would like to achieve. and would say i am still a bit overweight. but no bloody way am i obese

my main reason to post is to urge people to not get hung up on these index figures. they are guidelines. but not always correct.

as for op post. not all men care about extra weight. but sadly some do. i know this from experience.

To answer the OP now that I have asked my DP what he thought of my post baby weight jelly belly he said 'you didn't have a belly' totally deadpan.

See, I told you he wouldn't have noticed!

he just likes his bollocks on the outside

I have put on weight and my husband still wants to shag me all the time. I can't see the problem

Lady - your DH doesn't seem to have any issues with your weight gain. Mine does I fear...not that he's not affectionate or anything...I just know he doesn't like it

Pussin have you actually asked him?

It seems to me that we as a sex make all these assumptions about what men want/like based on what we read in magazines and what other women tell us. The men haven't read the magazines or spoken to bitchy women so often don't even realise that they are supposed to think that

I went from 10 and a half stone to over 14 stone whilst pregnant - had a big baby in Jan 09 and he was 2 weeks overdue so all through Christmas I ate out of boredom, waiting and just plain "I'll worry about it after" greediness. I am now a size 16 (too scared to weigh myself).My body shape has changed, I have back fat , my tummy still looks about 5 months pregnant, my waist is considerably larger, yet my legs are skinnier and my bum looks ok so I look like a potato on cocktail sticks. I had a CS so have been unable to exercise until last week. When I moan about my weight, DH says, stop worrying, you've just had a baby and you're not that big anyway. Bless him. I think men expect women to put on weight during pregnancy and are actually ok about it (maybe not 3 years after the baby though [hmmm]. I think that's the problem, you just get into bad habits of eating convenience food, tiredness makes you crave fat and sugar, and a few years down the line, it's probably a bit ambitious to still be blaming the baby. Either way, it depends on the man. Some are ok with it, others aren't.

I would be furious if dp said he found me less attractive with some extra post baby weight. He should have some understanding that I am not going to look the same for the rest of our lives, he also needs to respect that it takes time to lose the weight sometimes. And he does, cos he loves me for being the imperfect human that I am.

We plan on being together for many years and if he can't cope seeing me with a couple of extra stone and some stretch marks how is he going to feel when I am 70 and wrinkly with grey hair, saggy boobs and zero muscle tone? People change, and we should embrace those changes as part of life. I think any man who asks their partner to loose weight is a nob. Unless you are seriously overweight and putting your health at risk, and it was mentioned out of love and worry rather than so he could find you sexually attractive again.

I hate the whole idea of looking good for a man, it makes me so angry. Look good for yourself, make an effort to boost your own self esteem, not too make your dp happy.

have actually checked w/dp. he said i look great as i am now (sensible fella ) - i'm a 10/12, been losing weight gradually from a 16+ after dd2 - but that i was fine a stone ago too. (although when i pointed out i've been more than 3 stone heavier he was pretty shocked as he didn't know what 3 stone looked like).

he didn't like when i was very skinny but it was more he didn't like that i was depressed and ill so that's why i was thin, rather than the thin per se (although in the abstract he's not a fan of skinny). i plan to lose another few lb to get down to my target and he's cool with that as long as i'm not making myself ill to do it (far from it i'm eating the best i ever have +exercise).

but he pointed out that just after dd1 was born, when i was at my heaviest, fancying each other was about as far from our minds as it was possible to get. we were both a bit traumatised from the birth and then she was colicky and didn't sleep so survival was really all we were about in those days.

which brings me back to the point i wanted to make - people's lives are disrupted in so many ways by the birth of a child. i think it's easy as a woman to pin it all onto weight/appearance, as we're conditioned to believe that being a certain weight guarantees happiness, good relationships, feeling/appearing sexy etc. there may be a handful of men who are shallow enough that it really does all hang on appearance, but i bet the vast majority of relationships that break down after having children do so for a million reasons of which weight is only a tiny factor.

I have asked him. He was honest, I wanted him to be.

I don't like the way I look post DS - why should I expect him to? After all, its a confidence thing and if I'm not confident, its not going to project to anyone else is it??

So pussin it's not your new shape that he has a problem with, it's the fact that you are unhappy?