Pregnant with second child am I mad to be happy

[ninah]

dp and I have been trying on and off for a 2nd child, had mc last year. Our relationship is up and down. The other night he said some awful things to me, that we were finished etc but he had been drinking and couldn't remember them the next day. Thing is next day I found out I was pregnant!!! we went out for dinner and I told him, he was pleased and started talking about names etc but then suddenly he turned, picked a fight and then told me to get a termination. I am totally confused. I'm reluctant to have 2 children on my own in a practical sense but the more I think of it the happier I am about the child, and that my first child won't be alone and just feel great about it all. DP has an older child by previous relationship, he has never paid maintenanace and CSA are now involved I think this is on his mind. He earns a good salary and has just bought a 30,000 car but he hates to think anyone else has a claim on his cash. One thing that made him angry is I said that I would work part-time not full-time with 2 children so I could spend time with them and he says I want the life of Riley (!) I'm alternating between feeling total panic and feeling very very happy about my 2nd child. Is it selfish to go ahead regardless?

[moondog]

He doesn't support his other kid and had a £30K car???!!!
Who IS this guy??!!

[handlemecarefully]

No it's not selfish to go ahead and have a 2nd child.

I'm afraid I don't like the sound of your dp.

[PandaBear]

Congratulations!!! Be happy and enjoy your children, they bring you so much joy!

[Toothache]

Ninah - He sounds like a horrible person... IMO sorry!

Despite what he is like, CONGRATULATIONS!!

[ninah]

thanks PB
and thanks for being restrained in your comments about dp hmc! I know ...
getting quite excited about pregnancy.

[ninah]

toothache - yes he is horrible! HORRIBLE!!! he was even nasty to the waiter. hah, that was liberating! but my son is lovely and so will the 2nd one be.

[handlemecarefully]

Ninah,

As long as you are okay....

It's a shame you can't share your joy with your dp

[QueenEagle]

I was trying for baby no3 with my ex-dh but realised things weren't going to work out so decided to go on pill when next period was due but found I was pregnant instead. I was gutted that I would be on my own and bringing up 3 kids as a single parent. I even went to the docs to ask for a termination I was so emotional at the time. I couldn't go through with it and told my ex I was pregnant and for 9 months everything was hunky dory. After baby was born however, things went from bad to worse and when he was 6 months old we split for good.

I managed brilliantly on my own for 5 years and was a much stronger person for it. It wasn't until I was on my own that I realised how destructive my relationship was.

You can and will manage on your own. It sounds like your dh will try and wriggle out of any financial responsibilities (as mine did) but you will get financial help in the form of income support, housing benefit etc. If he is unhappy now with the thought of you being a SAHM then when it is a reality things will get really bad between you. If you are strong enough and have suppport from your family, I would say leave him as soon as possible and enjoy your 2 children. It will be tough at first but worth it in the end.

[ninah]

thanks QueenEagle it is good to hear someone that has done this .. with 3!
I am apprehensive as I know he will use put every obstacle in my path in terms of financial support and the CSA has such a bad rep. Also I would not get housing b as I own my own house (currently let) so am in catch 22 with money, work f-t but earn pennies etc, no family nearby. I imagine he will be quite vindictive, he is seen as a pillar of the community. He is very good at turning things around so you feel in the wrong. Maybe the best thing of all to come out of this is that I can see clearly. I have a strong feeling it will work out and if I make the leap I will be OK, it just doesn't seem to have much basis in rationality at the moment! I thought I might consider termination as it would be so much easier with just one .... but I just can't! I really want this baby. I have the feeling that it might be like seeing this beautiful dress/pair or shoes you really want but can't afford .. it's NOT, is it?! don't want ds to suffer, but I want my family

[Toothache]

Nina - You are doing absolutely the right thing in carrying on with pregnancy. This might be just what you need to make you take that giant leap!

[ninah]

I think it is!
better do some work now
bit distracted - I'M HAVING A BABY _ YES!!!!

[handlemecarefully]

Ninah,

It will be lovely for your ds to have a sibling. One of the greatest gifts you can bestow on him. My 2.9 year old totally adores her 1 yr old brother and it gives me so much pleasure watching them together.

(sorry, not wishing to be insensitive to parents of only children)

[Tinker]

I'm afraid I do think he sounds lile a very unpleasant character. If I were you now, I'd start collecting evidence of his income and expediture etc so that you have something tangible for the CSA/whoever when you split. Also, is your house in joint names? I would start setting up protective measures for yourself. Good luck and I'm glad you're feeling happy about the baby

[bubbly1973]

ninah, congratulations! i second what handlemecarefully has said too

you keep that baby and you be happy with your choice, dont give a damn what your dp says, why should you deny yourself and your ds of this baby.

so in answer to your question your not being selfish to go ahead

[handlemecarefully]

I'm bumping this because it has probably fallen out of Active Conversations, but I am sure that some more mumsnetters will want to congratulate you when they see it

[Thomcat]

Thanks for bumping this.
Massive congratulations to you Ninah. You go girl

[handlemecarefully]

Ooh, I've been meaning to say congratulations to you Thomcat!

[ninah]

thanks a lot hmc you are SOOO nice and thoughtful {weepy hormonal emoticon}
since you all made such positive and lovely comments I'm beginning to feel really excited! I've started a thread in the pregnancy section, December babies! feel a bit odd about that cos most people on that section seem to be happy in their relationships, and I've been such a dunce with mine. I can't imagine how it would be to have a dp who hugged you and hugged you and said fantastic news. I've told one RL friend - dp's reaction took away a bit of the excitement, but it's all come back now!
dp is keen I don't tell anyone til 12 weeks in case of probs but I feel that after Sat night he's forfeited a lot of consideration. Somehow I feel this is going to be a strong healthy baby and bring hope and happiness back to our family.

[expatinscotland]

Well, too bad for him. You sow the seed, you reap the crop.

I'd drop any man who told me to have an abortion or even suggested I do something like that with my own body.

Then I'd make sure the CSA routed him out the moment the child was born.

Oh, and when I dumped him, I'd hand him an information leaflet about vasectomy.

[dropinthe]

Be happy!

[ninah]

oh Thomcat thanks
and same to you, too
Your dp sounds such a love I loved his reaction! WE'RE PREGNANT!!!

[Thomcat]

hi ninah, ahhh, how sweet for you to be happy about my DP's reaction when you've had such a negative one, I feel bad
D is still being ...... happy but pensive, I can see his mind going over how we'll afford it, where he'll put his decks and vinyl etc.

I'll see you on the antenatal threads then babes.
When are you actually due?

[crunchie]

ninah, Of course you should be pleased but if I were you, knowing what your dp is like I would plan very carefully for all eventualities should you split. In other words I would start squirrelling away money right now (if you can) I would also in some way be tempted to try to persuade him to marry you. Might sound strange but then if you did split up you will have a much better claim on his money.

Sorry to say these things as the child is a blessing regardless, but he maynot be there for all of you at some point (I think you realise this too) and so get things very organised 'just in case'

[ninah]

due date - I have NO idea, Thomcat! I am quite disorganised at the moment.
I'm assuming some time in December so I joined that thread - haven't been to doctors or anything yet. Just did test in PizzaXpress on Saturday! been feeling pregnant for ages but only missed one period.
Of course I can still appreciate your story! god forbid dp makes me bitter! Sooo lovely. and your daugher kissing your tummy - aaaah! can't wait to tell my ds, I've been making vague comments as my friend whose son he plays with is expecting too.
It all seems a bit unreal. I am going away next weekend and I'd suggested with dp that we discuss it again after and come to a decision. Didn't take me that long, tho!

[ninah]

due date - I have NO idea, Thomcat! I am quite disorganised at the moment.
I'm assuming some time in December so I joined that thread - haven't been to doctors or anything yet. Just did test in PizzaXpress on Saturday! been feeling pregnant for ages but only missed one period.
Of course I can still appreciate your story! god forbid dp makes me bitter! Sooo lovely. and your daugher kissing your tummy - aaaah! can't wait to tell my ds, I've been making vague comments as my friend whose son he plays with is expecting too.
It all seems a bit unreal. I am going away next weekend and I'd suggested with dp that we discuss it again after and come to a decision. Didn't take me that long, tho!