Pregnant with second child am I mad to be happy

[ninah]

dp and I have been trying on and off for a 2nd child, had mc last year. Our relationship is up and down. The other night he said some awful things to me, that we were finished etc but he had been drinking and couldn't remember them the next day. Thing is next day I found out I was pregnant!!! we went out for dinner and I told him, he was pleased and started talking about names etc but then suddenly he turned, picked a fight and then told me to get a termination. I am totally confused. I'm reluctant to have 2 children on my own in a practical sense but the more I think of it the happier I am about the child, and that my first child won't be alone and just feel great about it all. DP has an older child by previous relationship, he has never paid maintenanace and CSA are now involved I think this is on his mind. He earns a good salary and has just bought a 30,000 car but he hates to think anyone else has a claim on his cash. One thing that made him angry is I said that I would work part-time not full-time with 2 children so I could spend time with them and he says I want the life of Riley (!) I'm alternating between feeling total panic and feeling very very happy about my 2nd child. Is it selfish to go ahead regardless?

crunchie there is no way on earth I would marry this man now though I longed to once

you sound utterly fab ninah. hope we chat lots more.
Love to you and let me/us know how you get on with everything.

ninah I am only thinking marry him, to get extra security for your children. I know it sounds callous and calculating but your tone here seems that you know it won't last forever and I am thinking about how you best screw this guy before he does it to you. Sorry if that sounds bad

Thomcat that's exactly what I thought of you, yes I hope we do.
Crunchie, I know what you're saying but marrying him for those reasons drags me down and I could never go through with it. In any case, he knows the score and he'd never in a million years ask!

But is house in joint names?

If it's what you want, you go for it. Even if dp isn't going to be there, I left my dp when 4.5 mnths pg and I loved having my baby to myself! Liek u, I also wanted company for my first child.

thanks Kelly that's good to hear
Tinker we have a house each
mine is TINY his is HUGE (they say size isn't everything we live in his

If you live in his house, register your interest in it NOW with the land registry. You have to protect yourself and your children!

edam my understanding was that as an unmarried partner who has not made any significant contribution either to the property (mainly just decorating the nursery, really) or to the mortgage etc I have no interest in it.

Ninah i cant give advice on the housing side of things but wanted you to hear my story .I am a single mum of three kids,i split with their dad when i was 5mths pg with no.3 who hatched out into my beautiful daughter.We were ready to split,he was actually moving out of the house atthe end of the week when in the middle of the week i discovered i was pg,so i said we should try to work things through because of the baby,it lasted 5 mths then i couldnt take anymore of his attitude and s**t and threw him out.He turned into a nightmare ,stopped helping out witht the kids and the house,questioned me on going out and over money,every horrid thing you can imagine,he felt hard done to because all of a sudden unplanned we were having another baby,he didnt give a thought to how much of a shock it was for me.
Anyway i made him leave when i was 5 mths pg and havent looked back since,i had my daughter,we already had 2 boys,my eldest son has autism,adhd and behavioural difficulties,my other son was only 4 at the time and i went on to have my daughter who i have brought up myself and i must say what a damn good job i have done for all three of them.
If you feel as i did ,much as a shock it is, that you want this baby then go ahead and have it,if your relationship dont last it out then you have 2 wonderful kids out of it,if you had a termination you know it would be because he wanted it and you would hold it against him forever and probably wouldnt last anyway.
So basically since he left i have started ds2 in scholl,fought for 2 years to get a specialist placement for ds1,dragged him kicking and screaming from assessment to appointment,gave birth and brought up dd into toddlerdom,redorated and refurnished my whole house,taken the kids abroad on holiday the last 2 years,and in scotland about 6 times since we split and next week i WILL PASS my driving test so yes life is hard but when people look feeling sorry for me i soon put them straight that life isnt in fact as bad as you may think on your own.
Take care and congratulations on the pg btw.

ninah get proper advice on the house thing. I really don't know, you are probably right you would have no claim on it, but if it were in joint names it would be different. With kids he is responsible for thir maintainence, but not yours. Go to the CAB and ask for a bit of advice. I totally understand what you are saying, but you know the spitit n which I said it Good luck

Thanks so much Loobie for posting your inspirational story - I feel priveleged to hear it! You sound quite some woman - wow! it is good to hear that life can be rewarding through all the challenges you face bringing up young children on your own - and make a good life. It encourages me a great deal. Holidays - well they won't be lavish affairs for us anymore, but my goodness it will be relaxing to go away with the children and not worry about arguments. GOOD LUCK with your driving test! is is the first go? remember try not to get too nervous, the thing that worked for me (4th go) was Bach Rescue Remedy because I am not a natural driver. It opens up your life no end to have wheels!
Crunchie - I know . Doing my best for the children means being prepared to fight on the money front ... ethically is probably not the most productive way with dp, but its the only way I can ... He has a duty to support them, enforcing it is the question, esp as he is self-employed. Don't worry though, I have my eyes open here.
Well dp has been really quite pleasant since our little soiree, and behaving as if nothing has happened. He even made dinner last night. Again, I have my eyes open!

ninah be happy whatever happens. If dp can't be good to you then you'll be better off alone, with your children. If he's so bothered about CSA he should be a little more mature with you. If you split, get CSA involved straight away.
Congrats on your pg, enjoy life and your children, you lucky thing.

feeling low today
dp acting like this ever happened, we are a million miles apart I am so tired and sad, part of it is the pregnancy kicking in I just feel as if I have no strength when I need it most

Ninah is he acting like the baby dont even exsist?Mines done that,whenever the baby was mentioned he changed the subject and wouldnt talk about the baby,We were having problems with our relationship before i fell pg and they really escalated when i became pg,we had discussed splitting up before but i think the fact that i was pg and the way he was treating me and the unborn baby gave me the strength to follow it through this time as i couldnt let another child come into this atmosphere and unhappy life.
The unborn baby in my tummy gave me the strength to follow through with separatiopn and carry on with life then by the time the baby was born i was managing anyway and was becoming used to being on my own,then i was so busy with the baby time just flew by and i didnt really find myself worrying about how i was and it became easier to see the benefits and look back at what i could still have been in unhappily.
This is a bit rambled but i hope you get my meaning LOL Feel free to CAT me or you can get me on msn [email protected] im usually around most times.

thanks Loobie
well i've been away for the weekend with ds, it was great. ds did pick me up from airport etc and polite chat, asked me how was my 'tummy' if I was having cravings etc so it's not as if he's ignoring it totally. But there's just a distance, a coldness and I am soo unhappy
Don't know how much of it is hormonal and how much is real
he's been away with work since and rang this morning to say d-ss mother had organised a foot doctor's appointment for d-ss on Saturday, and also for one ds! [anger] cos according to her there is something wrong with the way he walks. I am annoyed about this but dp can't see it. Probably she's only trying to help but I don't see that this is her place at all.
then I met a friend who asked me where I had been for the weekend cos dp didn't know the name of the place, like he couldn't give a toss
I was happy about the baby but now I feel it would be simpler not to have it at all
I am going to the doc's tonight for booking in etc
I see what you mean about the baby taking you over the separation bit only I do get so scared, especially about providing for them both
thanks for answering, it gives me more courage

Don't want to be too cynical, but is there any way you can start siphoning money off into an account in your name now, in case you split? And as someone else said, take p'copies of bank statements, salary statements etc so if the worst comes to the worst you have evidence of his income etc. But congratulations on the pregnancy, it sounds like the right thing for you!

in order to siphon off I'd have to drug him first Miranda! he's an accountant ...
the rest is not bad advice tho!

Ninah please remember that deep inside you do want this baby,can i just say ia m at the moment supporting a friend who is at this moment in hospital having her third baby,unplanned and her p is being a total w**r he left her on monday saying he'd come back the next day for his stuff knowing fine well she is being started off today,i have her other 2 kids to go with my 3 (its fun if nothing else and keeps me on my toes)and have been in hospitla with her today from 2@30 till 6:30,her so called partner was to come up to the hospital at 7pm and i spoke to her at 9'50 and he hadnt arrived even though she is now in major painshe has her aunt and her mum with her but i just feel so badly for her that yet again men are proving what prats they can be.
Never mind tomorrow i get to hold a brand new bubba!!

loobie you sound immensely capable, verging on saintly!
has your friend has her baby yet?! I guess you may be a bit busy ...
I love ds but find mothering a challenge to be honest. I did discuss all the 'options' with the doc y'day but yes, I do want him/her. Just don't want ds to suffer from any of this. he said to me 'this isn't our house, is it?' and he wants to live in a small house 'just you and me'
He has this toy he loves and my friend bought him a baby version of it. He is not v interested tho - he says it has scary eyes!

Well my friend had a little girl at 11:11 on thursday night,her lovely man didnt show at all,then came bouncing off the walls at 1:30 in the morning yelling abuse at her mum and aunt,a glance at the bay then walked off and hasnt been heard from since.
Ninah your ds probably means that he wants you and him to live together in the context of not having dad there with yous not another baby,i really didnt think i could love another like i loved my 1st but god i love 3 now!!Contact me on msn and we can have a good chat [email protected]

loobie that's great news! I'm not on msn and my home email is out of action at the moment, I can't receive anything in fact my inbox is full but I can't get the mail, I need to sort it out but I am just so busy and tired I haven't got round to it. As soon as I'm up and running I will be in touch, and thanks for all your support. Meantime, I'll update this from time to time if that's OK.
How is your friend coping now? certainly sounds like she is better off alone.
My dp has been a bit better, as if nothing happened, but words can't be unsaid or hurt undone so readily.

My friend is doing remarkably well on her own,just getting the girls into a routine and even managed the school run this morning with all three of them,she is betrter without him but unfirtunately i think she is still at the stage where she still loves him enough to not yet see through the separation so i will just be around for her whichever way she plays it.

Loobie, you are such a good friend, I'm sure she appreciates the back-up.
Well I don't know what has happened in our house but it's as if a cloud that has been hanging around since about January (maybe before) has lifted and there's a freer, happier atmosphere with dp talking about the baby and being more affectionate than for ages. I don't know what doubts he was going through, I am pretty sure he was unhappy with our relationship and I don't really understand why, or why he was shutting me out, but he seems more relaxed with me and I really hope we are going to weather the storm. He is difficult and can be extremely unpleasant to deal with, he hasn't known a lot of love in his life and I don't know how far he can drop his suspicions and fear and change, but I'll love him if he'll let me. I always have, and I always will. And I'll certainly love our children. The difference in him has made such a difference to me.

got to be happy all the time!!!!