DNA tests (and various other isses due to rude ignorance of 'aquantances' )

[QuantitativeMeasure]

Im about to explode.

I know that I have started a similar thread about this before. Today I need to rant a bit and possibly get some information about DNA testing ( I cant believe that I have to resort to this)

The long and short of it-
Ds1 is 8
Ds2 is almost 6

Ds1 has brown hair
ds2 is strawberry blonde

ds1 is very sporty, boyish, into 'boys' things.
ds2 is very girly, loves dolls, loves tinkerbell, loves dancing. He should have been born a girl.

ds1 is right handed
ds2 is left handed (bear with me on this one, this is the one that has tipped me over the edge)

I feel that they have similar facial features, although Ds1 does look slightly more like dp.

The crux of the problem-
occasionally people make comments which are joking refrences to DP's paternity of Ds2 as "he looks nothing like his brother"
"they are completely different"....etc etc

this is starting to piss DP off and he feels that people are 'laughing behind his back' and think he 'is a fool' as possibly Ds2 isnt his and he is being led to believe (by me of course) that he is Ds2's father.

This issue rears itself every few months, generally after a comment has been made (strangely it is always people that he knows who make the comments, no-one ever makes the same comment to me)

Last night he was at a friends with both of the boys and the man said "these two are not real siblings surely?"
and then (I laughed at the ignornace here)- " who is lefthanded? you or your partner (meaning me, Ds2 is lefthanded, Dp, me and ds1 are all right handed). When Dp said none of us- only Ds2, the man raised his eyebrows- Dp said in a way that would suggest its not possible to have just one lefthanded in the family. Fucking moron.
Its always passed off as a joke, but as DP has massive trust issues (due to his
mother bringing various men back whilst his dad was overseas with army), it is having a massive effect on our relationship.

I have suggested numerous times to get a DNA test done, but he refuses saying that he "couldnt cope with it" if it comes back that ds2 isnt his (that is the part that hurts me the most- he obviously doesnt believe that I have never had any kind of liaison with anyone during our relationship).

He has gone out to work now, looking fairly down and pissed off.

Im so angry at others people ignorance.

Im angry that Dp appears to not believe me.
its destroying my respect for dp, its destroying our relationship. I feel really sad/angry/various other negatives!

Im about to just purchase a DNA test and get this all sorted once and for all, what waste of fucking money- but when this result comes back and DP can see the truth- then what? I want the dna test - to prove that Dp is his bloody father- he doesnt want it 'just in case'.
what a fucking joke.

Ohh you poor thing- thats awful -im with reality that even a DNA test wont stop his emotions.

Our ds (theres 3 of 'em) look completely different are completely different temperament andphysically and no-one ever believes they are brothers-but they are we just laugh!!.

Ds2 has M.E and is very pale,
Ds1 is a lovely colour all peachy and he catches the sun in an instant
Ds3 has dark hair but very pale features.

Even the ob. when he delivered ds2 asked if they had the same father ( now imagine my worry at that when Im not sure who my Dad is and theres every chance he is mixed race)and imagine the look on everyone in the theatres face when I nervously asked dh was he coloured ?(dh knows my story and knew i was referring to the genetic 'throwback' my Nanna insists will happen )-there was a swift intake of breath by everyone when i asked that i can tell you .

I think your dh is being very unfair tbh.

Thanks for replying.

I hadnt thought about the jeremy kyle option!

I'm undecided what to do- I want the DNA test, but I feel that its so fucking unfair on DS2 to have to do this.

Im really, truly angry at other peoples ignorance.

My DS1 is the image of me as a child and also of my dad at a similar age. DS2 on the other hand, looks like the twin of my Dh's brother! My boys do not look like each other at all, and the only way anyone would ever associate DS! with Dh, is when he does the 'shut up you silly cow' look that teenagers do so well and that is a carbon copy of the look DH gives his mum at times! It is not a learned mannerism as DS! first did it at only a few days old!

I think the point is that genetics are funny and don't always work as you would expect. One of my sons has brown eyes, one has blue! Just like me and Hubby, yet how often do you hear that you need two blue eyed parents to make a blue eyed child?

And if your DH still doesn't believe you have a look at this

His issues are not about your child, they are about other things in his life and he needs help to understand that! Good luck!

Holy Lord, people can be ignorant.

I have 2 boys, and they sound incredibly similar to your two! My first child is dark eyed, dark haired, rufty-tufty one of the boys. My second son is a blonde, blue eyed, dancer who only seems interested in girls' company.

Their father and I split up 5 years ago, and despite all the awful things he has done, he has never once questioned my second son's paternity.

My boys have grown more alike facially as they have got older. Now they are 12 and 9 respectively, the similarities are really starting to emerge; but when they were little people used to ask me if my youngest was a "changeling"

I'm so sorry you're going through this, and I'm really rather angry at your DH. People will always find something to talk about and is he really prepared to listen to people who are clearly so ill-educated in genetics?

I wouldn't do a DNA test personally. I would do rather a lot of research (scientific genetics) and plonk it in front of him and then ask him why he's having such trouble trusting me.

whats a changeling????

your DP needs to get a grip or go and get some counselling/speak to GP rather than take his insecurities out on you.

You poor thing.

FWIW, my DD is lefthanded and the nearest relative we can find in either mine or DH's families is my great-uncle. Just another example that it happens!

I hope you get this sorted out, this must be horrendous for you

maybe I'm "old school" but my answer to this would have to be
"Don't you ever insult me or your son again.....I refuse to be punished for your mothers behaviour! I am not prepared to have a relationship without your complete trust!"

I have a mil who behaved in a similar way. Intelligent men are capable of seperating the actions of their mother from those of their wife (with a big kick up The arse)

I wouldn't in a million years get a dna test.
Do you think that some of this is to do with your feminine behavior and your dh coming to terms with the possibility thhat he may not ever be an alpha male type bloke .....in that male ego way that he can't reconcile that a son of his could be so effeminate(sp?)
someone please tell me how that is spelt?
keep strong. I feel for you.

sorry I meant your ds's femine behaviour

Big ((hugs)) to you.

I am left handed and none of my closest relations are. We have tried to trace it back but no go.

I am blue eyed and mum is hazel and dad is browm eyed.

I have 3 DC's and 2 are blue eyed (1 grey blue, 1 light blue) and one is hazel. I am blue and DH is brown.

Their personalities are so different it's amazing. We have the intelligent, booky one. The rufty, tufty, sporty one and the one who is aspiring to be Bear Grylles.

Altough they are all blonde varying from light to dirty they do not look alike at all.

People are just ignorant IMO.

I get this alot too.

DS is olive skinned, brown eyes, brown hair.
DD is very fair, blonde 'n' blue.

ExP is Greek. He has very very dark colouring.

People just can't seem to grasp the fact that I (I'm fair, almost red head) contribute to their genetic make-up too!!!

So ofc there is all the "Ooooh SHE can't possibly be ExP's"

It gets on my nerves alot. But ExP know and believes that she is his (and there is no doubt about that!!!) I can't imagine how hard it must be to have the father doubt it too. It's the ultimate lack of trust tbh.

I hope im feminine enough!!

I dont think that its his 'girly' ways- that has never been an issue, we just accept that Ds2 likes pink, bratz and anything else girly.

Dp acts no different with each boy, he loves them both the same- thats why he is finding all this so hard to deal with- he said if the the DNA came back with him not as the father, it would devastate him.

Getting it into his head that that wouldnt happen is difficult.

Its reassuring to know that others on here have different looking children. I have tried to mention other siblings that we know who do not look similar, but he says that you can tell other peoples kids are siblings.

I feel like im stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Think I will show him this thread.

I feel for you!

I really like the way pellmell adressed the issue.

I am not sure a DNA test would solve the trust issue. Have you thought about couple/mariage counselling? I think talking the issue through is the only thing that will sort this out.

My two sons are totally different. One is quiet, likes to ponder, build lego, the other is boisterous and loud. They are both blonde, but their features are quite dissimilar. When people see the four of us together they say "Oh, I see you've got one each" meaning my oldest son looks like my dh, but my youngest looks like me. Genetics is a bit hit and miss. I saw a mixed couple who had twins, one with mums blonde colouring and features, and one with dads african features and colouring.

I think the only thing you can do is to read a little about genetics and inherited and not so inherited traits yourself, to counteract people's ignorance.

This left handed business is a all wishy washy too, and has apparently nothing to do with writing but with predomninance of left or right side of the brain. Many left handed people have been trained to write with their right hand in school, and dont even know they are really "left handed". Especially in the "older generation" such as me and you and our parents.

I might be out of line here but I think what other people insinuate or think is irrelevant and does not really need to be counteract(ed?)
The problem IMO is more with Your DH listening to it and putting in his head that there might be some truth in it because of his past experience. I really think the issue that needs to be addressed is trust.

The issue here seems to be that your husband is accusing you of being unfaithful. "I couldn't cope with the results, I don't want to do the DNA test" - He is accusing you of being unfaithful, he really believes that you could have slept with someone else and passed of their child as his for all these years!

Have you really put it to him that starkly? What is his reaction when you put it to him like that?

This is a huge issue, and I agree with everyone else that it will take more than a DNA test to solve it!

I have- Ive cried and cried, I have told him how offensive I find it. How could he think that I would lie about such a thing. Its so frustrating as I KNOW the truth.

He knows how angry and pissed off I get when he raises the subject (always after someone has made a comment).

This morning when I woke up, he was lying there awake and I said "you alright?" (thinking he was unwell for work or something)- then he said-
" I need to tell you something, but you will go mental"-
Then he says "someone else made a comment about the boys last night"

Im bored of the same conversation tbh, im fucking so frustrated by it all.

Are all these people really making comments, or is it all in your dhs mind?
Is he making up stories, to get affirmation and confirmation from you?

No, they are making the comments- its not something he would lie about, I know he wouldnt.

I would be more insulted at my dh's lack of trust than what other people thought!

Imagine if anyone knew you were seriously thinking about a DNA test...might they not think you were trying to reassure yourself of your sons parentage?

No, the only way to sort this is to sit down with your dh, get him to see he's being a bit daft & tell everyone else to mind their own effing business!!

Sorry... the lying awake thing.. "Someone else made a comment about the boys last night"

Does he really not have anything else to fret about?

Sorry, my 2 are completely different!! Even of someone made a comment, it would go right over my head or I would joke about it.

Where does your dh find all these people who rudely question other peoples paternity?

Or is it a question of them seeing it getting to him, and goading him on??