DNA tests (and various other isses due to rude ignorance of 'aquantances' )

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Im about to explode.

I know that I have started a similar thread about this before. Today I need to rant a bit and possibly get some information about DNA testing ( I cant believe that I have to resort to this)

The long and short of it-
Ds1 is 8
Ds2 is almost 6

Ds1 has brown hair
ds2 is strawberry blonde

ds1 is very sporty, boyish, into 'boys' things.
ds2 is very girly, loves dolls, loves tinkerbell, loves dancing. He should have been born a girl.

ds1 is right handed
ds2 is left handed (bear with me on this one, this is the one that has tipped me over the edge)

I feel that they have similar facial features, although Ds1 does look slightly more like dp.

The crux of the problem-
occasionally people make comments which are joking refrences to DP's paternity of Ds2 as "he looks nothing like his brother"
"they are completely different"....etc etc

this is starting to piss DP off and he feels that people are 'laughing behind his back' and think he 'is a fool' as possibly Ds2 isnt his and he is being led to believe (by me of course) that he is Ds2's father.

This issue rears itself every few months, generally after a comment has been made (strangely it is always people that he knows who make the comments, no-one ever makes the same comment to me)

Last night he was at a friends with both of the boys and the man said "these two are not real siblings surely?"
and then (I laughed at the ignornace here)- " who is lefthanded? you or your partner (meaning me, Ds2 is lefthanded, Dp, me and ds1 are all right handed). When Dp said none of us- only Ds2, the man raised his eyebrows- Dp said in a way that would suggest its not possible to have just one lefthanded in the family. Fucking moron.
Its always passed off as a joke, but as DP has massive trust issues (due to his
mother bringing various men back whilst his dad was overseas with army), it is having a massive effect on our relationship.

I have suggested numerous times to get a DNA test done, but he refuses saying that he "couldnt cope with it" if it comes back that ds2 isnt his (that is the part that hurts me the most- he obviously doesnt believe that I have never had any kind of liaison with anyone during our relationship).

He has gone out to work now, looking fairly down and pissed off.

Im so angry at others people ignorance.

Im angry that Dp appears to not believe me.
its destroying my respect for dp, its destroying our relationship. I feel really sad/angry/various other negatives!

Im about to just purchase a DNA test and get this all sorted once and for all, what waste of fucking money- but when this result comes back and DP can see the truth- then what? I want the dna test - to prove that Dp is his bloody father- he doesnt want it 'just in case'.
what a fucking joke.

i think pellmell has totalyl summed up the issue

""Don't you ever insult me or your son again.....I refuse to be punished for your mothers behaviour! I am not prepared to have a relationship without your complete trust!"

your DH needs to accept you are not his mother, that although you are a womna, you are perfectly faithful and trustworthy.

if he does not want a DNA test, and as has been pointed out, he could still find something to grouch about, he does need some help to address his trust issues

slightly different, but my twin sister and i are obviously similar colouring etc. we both married men with dark hair, eyes and quite olive skin tone. my DS is dark haired, dark eyed and olive. hers is blonde haired, blue eyed and pink/white skinned. totally different....genes are complicated and you might get one child who gets lots of recessive genes.

i hpoe you and oyur husband can work thorugh this,you are doing well to hold your cool

Why don't you ask him what you have to do to prove that the boys are both his? Let him take control of the solution rather than you worrying about the problem all the time.

Make him behave like a parent rather than a child!

This must be so frustrating and upsetting for you. I'm also worried that some of these comments from others are being made in front of your sons and I hope that your DH is making hte right responses in front of other people, as it would be awful if your sons started to pick up his feelings on this....

I do think he needs some kind of counselling to get over his trust issues. You should not have to deal with it like this.

Personally, I've been mulling htis over and I think you need to sit him down and ask him how he thinks you should deal with this, as it is clearly bothering him enough to have him lying awake thinking in the morning like that. See what he suggests first, rather than suggesting anything yourself.

If he doesn't suggest anything then you need to say that his feelings are having a huge impact on you and will eventually affect your children too. So he needs to think of some way of dealing with his feelings because stupid people will always make stupid comments, your sons might always look different to each other, ds2 isn't suddenly going to stop being left-handed and he needs to find a way to deal with this as it isn't going to go awya otherwise.

In your position, I would be unbelievably hurt and offended. I think you are handling it very well indeed as everyone is right, he is practically saying that he doesn't believe you and that you have cheated on him and then passed off a child as his that you know is not. That is a terrible accusation if he really thinks about it. That is why I think counselling (maybe couples counselling at first) might be the best way forward. He will be reluctant but you need to make him see that this isn't going to go away by itself, he needs to address it in some way.

A few people from Rugby (ie another coach - she was female) - she said it to Dp and a few weeks later made the mistake of saying the same to me- I said "and your point is?????".

some other parents at rugby have made comments ( i dont think that they are being 'malicious'- just passing comments as Ds2 does not go to watch ds1 play rugby much)

But DP obviously sees it as more than 'passing comments' and ruminates on it.

Also, if you think logically about it, if people really REALLY did think that your ds2 wasn't your DH's child then they probably wouldn't say anything to him, they would say it behind his back. Wouldn't they? So they're just being "funny" or speaking without thinking. IMO.

He sounds a bit insecure and sensitive to off the cuff rude comments, doesn't he?

Do a DNA test and stick it up his bum. I Think I would have to - though in principal I would be against it - just to shut him up once and for all.

My friend has 2 boys and youngest really doesn't look like either parent at all. But, he has never said hurtful things to her about it. Guess he just trusts her 100%.

Just to add- its something that crops up about 3x a year I would say.
The last 'episode' was when a 16 year old girl who was on a skiing holiday with us made a comment.
I was enraged that he would listen to such crap from a 16 year old.

Couldn't help laughing at "do a DNA test and stick it up his bum". Lol.

Are you sure people are making these comments? I know you say you are sure he wouldn't lie - but have you ever heard these comments for yourself? It seems from your posts that you haven't. That things are only ever said to your husband, that you have heard nothing yourself. Is it not possible that your husband is making this up, because he actually doubts paternity himself?

I would find his doubts so insulting, as you do! You have offered a dna test, he has refused because on some level, he really thinks he isn't the father and doesn't want proof of that!

I really think that, in your situation, I would buy the kit and slap it in front of him and say "I have had ENOUGH. We do the dna test today and you will then get the piece of paper that proves to you that your son is yours, or I walk."

this isn't your prolem, it's your husbands'.

Refuse to engage with him when he starts all of this rubbish, he sounds rather childish actually.
The incident about him lying in bed wide awake? To me that sounds like one of those bitchy school girls, you know, "Sorry to have to tell you this but....".

TBH, my dd's father did all of this, I ignored it, did the DNA test when he requested one and it still wasn't enough for him. He still told people that he had major doubts even though he was the one who had been unfaithful on many occasions, never me.

You need to tell your husband that it is up to him to sort out his issues, you will not put up with any further accusations or attention seeking behaviour.
Because that's what it is isn't it? Every time he kicks off you tiptoe around all upset and trying to appease him and stroking his ego by insisting that he is the only one for you and there could never be another?

oh, see that you have heard some comments. Forget the first bit then

I hope that you gave the 16 year old a good old talking to.

This must be awful for you. I agree you need to address the trust issues. If your dh has to say it out loud to a councellor he might realize just awful his accusations are.

Hecate- I have heard comments, but I dont really interpret them as DP does.

It is the trust issue, and your last paragraph suggests perhaps the only way that I am going to draw a line underneath this issue. Whjt happens after that? as some of you suggest, maybe he will become preoccupied with some other issue,

I dont think anyone is at fault. Surely a comment such as 'they don't look like siblings' isn't malicious? If you have one child that looks v different to the other it is bound to cause comment - but not meant unkindly.

The nub is with your DH and his trust issues. That is what you need to deal with isn't it? And if the DNA test won't help longterm anyway (which is what you suggest) what is the point? Counselling for DH? Something has to change and it seems to me that it had to be DH.

Thnaks so much everyone for your advice. Im off to work now, I will keep you posted about what happens.

I completely agree with the comment that if people thought they were not related they wouldn't even mention it!!

It's just a throw-away comment that people say like 'He's tall isn't he?' 'What lovely hair he's got' blah blah blah.

Your dp has his own demons. Agree with the advice that you put the ball firmly in his court and ask him what he wants to do about it. It seems like all the time he needs your confirmation and you're justifiably fed up with it.

Good luck!

Oh and a DNA test won't satisfy him if he really is that insecure

OrmIrian is spot on. Most people would not bother about such comments. We have had them, it never occured to dh that he wasnt the father, he just laughs it off making a joke about it. He once said "yeah, I know, my best mate was living with us at the time, and you should see his daughter, she looks like our sons long lost sister.... "

It is all about how your dh reacts to the comments, maybe nothing you say or do may change his trust issues and his fears. Councelling may help.

truly bizarre.

dh and i are both brown haired and brown eyed. somehow (blame the grandparents) we have ended up with 3 dcs, two of which are mousy (one with brown eyes, one with the bluest of blue) and one is blonde with blue eyes (total shocker for me lol, couldn't have predicted that one in a million. oh, and she's left handed, which neither of us are)

dh and i joke about it and frequently claim that we only ended up with that one because she was the one left in the hospital that no-one else wanted (she was in scbu). not really anything to do with either of us.

the issue here is not about anyone else's comments, it is about your dh and his own insecurities. he needs to be told to get some help, or as pellmell suggests, he needs to be told he is putting your marriage at risk with his distrust of you. how on earth are you managing to stay put when he obviously believes you have been shagging around behind his back?

i'm with hecate. tell him you are not putting up with his nasty suspicions any longer, demand that you get the tests done, or pull the plug. otherwise you are going to be stuck in this loop every time someone makes a joke. and knowing that your dh doesn't believe a word you say and would rather listen to passers by than his wife.

and then get thee to relate to see if it can be mended.

How frustrating and upsetting for you. I was the 'odd one out' in my family too. All of my brothers are very tall with brown hair and blue eyes. I'm shorter with red hair and green eyes. I was always 'jokingly' called the Milkmans/Postmans daughter which was hurtful and upsetting.

When ds1 was born my dh got lots of comments - he is Indian but ds1 looked completely white and has blue eyes. The difference is that dh laughed it off. Now that ds1 is older he looks more like dh so the comments have stopped.

As everyone else has said, the problem is your dh's reaction to the comments.

why is he listening to idiots and not his partner?!

My parents = black hair, green eyes, brown hair, hazel eyes, both right handed....

My sister = brown hair, hazel eyes, right handed

Me? = blonde hair, blue eyes, left handed

I am my father's child - I have my grandfather''s strongest genes it seems (although he wasn't left-handed, but my auntie is).... same happened to 2 of my cousins with their hair colour - we're the only 3 out of 9 children it happened to!

Genes do amazing things - it doesn't mean you aren't related (which you know!)

I'd be SO angry at him not trusting you and being an arse. He needs to sort himself out or leave - you can't live like it and the kids will soon realise he doesn't think one of them is his. Kids aren't stupid - IMAGINE what that'd do to a child

Bottom line - buck up or fuck off... IMO.

you see if there is one thing I can't stand it is being expected to prove I am telling the truth.

Unless you have lied in the past or have a history of not being honest, I would be spitting blood right now!
This would make me feel that my relationship was discredited.....as you are basically being called a liar by him ????

It isn't other people's fault that your DH is suspicious, he obviously has deep issues that would come out in some way regardless of what jokey or throway comments others made about your kids.

The fact is, he seriously thinks you may have cheated on him. That is your only issue. The paternity of your kids is an irrelevance as you know beyond doubt that you haven't cheated.

You need to address it with him only, he's the one with the problem. Why does he think you're a cheater? Are you prepared to live with this view of your behaviour?

Those are the key issues, not some nonsense Jeremy Kyle dna test. You know who your kids father is so why is there any need for a test. If your DH doesn't believe you then you need to address why - not try to prove your innocence.

Tell him he needs to get a grip. This is his problem and he is not being remotely reasonable. Tell him that his sons are his sons and you do not want to hear any more of this ridiculous insulting bullshit. You should never indulge this sort of jealousy as no matter what you do, the person will demand more and more concessions: what he really needs is the equivalent of a kick in the nuts.