DNA tests (and various other isses due to rude ignorance of 'aquantances' )

[QuantitativeMeasure]

Im about to explode.

I know that I have started a similar thread about this before. Today I need to rant a bit and possibly get some information about DNA testing ( I cant believe that I have to resort to this)

The long and short of it-
Ds1 is 8
Ds2 is almost 6

Ds1 has brown hair
ds2 is strawberry blonde

ds1 is very sporty, boyish, into 'boys' things.
ds2 is very girly, loves dolls, loves tinkerbell, loves dancing. He should have been born a girl.

ds1 is right handed
ds2 is left handed (bear with me on this one, this is the one that has tipped me over the edge)

I feel that they have similar facial features, although Ds1 does look slightly more like dp.

The crux of the problem-
occasionally people make comments which are joking refrences to DP's paternity of Ds2 as "he looks nothing like his brother"
"they are completely different"....etc etc

this is starting to piss DP off and he feels that people are 'laughing behind his back' and think he 'is a fool' as possibly Ds2 isnt his and he is being led to believe (by me of course) that he is Ds2's father.

This issue rears itself every few months, generally after a comment has been made (strangely it is always people that he knows who make the comments, no-one ever makes the same comment to me)

Last night he was at a friends with both of the boys and the man said "these two are not real siblings surely?"
and then (I laughed at the ignornace here)- " who is lefthanded? you or your partner (meaning me, Ds2 is lefthanded, Dp, me and ds1 are all right handed). When Dp said none of us- only Ds2, the man raised his eyebrows- Dp said in a way that would suggest its not possible to have just one lefthanded in the family. Fucking moron.
Its always passed off as a joke, but as DP has massive trust issues (due to his
mother bringing various men back whilst his dad was overseas with army), it is having a massive effect on our relationship.

I have suggested numerous times to get a DNA test done, but he refuses saying that he "couldnt cope with it" if it comes back that ds2 isnt his (that is the part that hurts me the most- he obviously doesnt believe that I have never had any kind of liaison with anyone during our relationship).

He has gone out to work now, looking fairly down and pissed off.

Im so angry at others people ignorance.

Im angry that Dp appears to not believe me.
its destroying my respect for dp, its destroying our relationship. I feel really sad/angry/various other negatives!

Im about to just purchase a DNA test and get this all sorted once and for all, what waste of fucking money- but when this result comes back and DP can see the truth- then what? I want the dna test - to prove that Dp is his bloody father- he doesnt want it 'just in case'.
what a fucking joke.

tbh I wouldn't do a DNA test. You have nothing to prove. And if he's as insecure as you say he is, then a DNA test will just be confirmation to him that you've obviously cheated on him, even if the results come back with your ds as his child.

I'll be honest - relationships are built on trust. And your dh doesn't trust you. I'm afraid to say this would be a deal-breaker for me. Because even if you could get past the ds2 issue, there will always be something.

so I would be inclined to say "you don't trust me, and I can't be with a man who doesn't trust me." and then I would walk.

deal breaker for me too....
What about your feelings?
Silly man, not sure how he can ever take any of that back.
I hope this thread is not making you more upset.

and for you.

I would be inclined, when I heard: "Someone else made a comment about the boys last night"

to say: "What you mean that this morning you have made the decision to once again accuse me of being unfaithful, and to accuse me of lying."

... and go on from there.

It would be the end for me, tbh. It's the grossest kind of insult to you.

I can't ever imagine myself giving a DP an ultimatum unless it was about infidelity or alcoholism, but I would have to in this case - there isn't a problem, HE has a problem, so HE sorts it (either gets a DNA test and shuts the fuck up, or just shuts the fuck up) or gets out.

o.k...another thing has crossed my mind.
could other peoples comments(about the differences between siblings) be more about their observations of their characters and tendancies (you made the "should have been a girl" comment)
People can say things like "wow aren't they different?......they don't seem like brothers" then sweep it aside by mentioning a physical feature instead of addressing what they really notice (i.e one is a lot more boyish than the other)

You shouldn't have to do a DNA test but he won't draw a line under it until it's done.

EITHER he agrees to (and pays for!) it - and owes you a lot of grovelling when the result comes back - OR he shuts up about it.

I may be way off the mark here, but has he ever cheated on you. I wonder if he is projecting his guilt on to you (this is what my dad did to my mum).

I realy think you need him to either put up or shut up. He either supports and trusts you and tell all the others to shut up and tell them he trusts you. Or he goes and get some help with his trust issues or he will in time ruin your marriage because you will get to a point where his mistrust of you will be to big an issue to carry on.

We have three DDs. One of them looks very different from the other two and we often get comments along the 'you would never know they were siblings line'. DD3 is also the only lefthanded person in the family AFAWK. But the difference is, we don't take these comments as anything other than people making fairly trite and pointless remarks without any deep purpose behind them.
For whatever reason, your DH is dwelling on them and turning them into something they are not. You need to be explicit with him that the problem is in his head, and only he can sort it out - perhaps with the help of counselling. Because let's face it, even if you do a DNA test, it won't necessarily put his mind at rest - he'll just start thinking maybe the test was wrong.
The fact that he actually doesn't want the DNA test suggests that subconsciously he probably realises this already.

Sorry I think your DH needs to deal with his issues first. And he is basically saying that you were unfaithful.
And the left hand thing is completely crazy and I know that for a fact.
I am 1 of 8 kids. And I am 3rd eldest. The amazing thing is my mom and dad are both right handed. I have 3 sisters and 4 brothers. The way we are is like this, from 1st born to last.
Girl - Left Handed
Boy - Right Handed
Girl - Right Handed (Me)
Boy - Left Handed
Girl - Right Handed
Boy - Left Handed
Girl - Left Handed
Boy - Right Handed
So thats is from 2 right handed parents we have 4 people left handed and 4 right handed. and also 2 girls RH and 2 girl LF same with the boys.
Also only my one brother and sister look slightly similar but the rest of us look completely different. I always get asked if those are my brothers and sisters from people we never met.

The wonders on Mumsnet.

I showed him this thread this morning before he went away for the weekend. I think that the underlying trust issues will always be there, he even states that its not 'me' that he has issues with - its women in general-
(His rationale being that if your own mother can treat you like utter shit as a child and parade a variety of men under your nose, whilst your dad is working away, then all women must be capable of this).
I can see that this torments him a lot.

But reading this thread has made him realise how unfair his behaviour has been. I hope that he really does mean what he says when he states that deep, deep down he knows its not true- but the feeling of being unsure manifests itself and he cannot see how his reactions to these comments are, to put it bluntly- irrational and deeply offensive to me.

I feel a bit more positive about it, its been wearing me down.

sorry - wonders of mumsnet