How common is it to be close to your parents?

[KTNoo]

Me and my parents just seem to come from different planets. I like some things about them but in general find them extremely difficult people.

I could go into detail for hours about the things they do, but briefly, they are very concerned about appearances, manners etc, never really communicate properly with each other or anyone else, only do small talk really, and are quite passive-aggressive (I think - have only realised this recently) towards each other and me.

I am very open and direct (now - didn't used to be), like to discuss everything and don't take offence if people don't agree with me, and would rather have a disagreement with my dh (sometimes even in front of our dc ) than a bad atmosphere.

I am gradually accepting that we are never going to be close and we just have to try and get along. A lot of my friends seem to consider their parents as friends and love spending time with them, but I find it more something I have to do to keep them happy and promote my 3 dcs' relationship with their grandparents.

Is this a common scenario?

Anyone?

I loathed my mum when I was growing up. She was a bit of a nightmare...mother of 6, never wanted that many children but didn't have contraception. I was the youngest of 6 and she'd prayed I was the menopause. When I wasn't, she was BITTERLY disappointed.

And I got to know about it for most of my life.

Now, in retrospect, I can see that she had a crappy life. My dad was a complete misogynist whose mum had left his dad as a youngster. My paternal grandad pushed the idea that my dad should keep my mum pregnant, barefoot, penniless and chained to the kitchen sink. Which is pretty much what he did.

Don't get me wrong...my dad was the main sense of support in the house for us kids. He worked most of the time, so he actually had a smile and joke for us when he was home. And he was the boss...so it was easier for him.

I now get on with my mum but couldn't live with her. I pray that my relationship with my daughter is better than mine with my mum.

Do I want us to be close? Yes, but I also want dd to be independent and to not feel lost without me, so it's a tough line to lay down. I just hope I get the balance a little right.

Reading your post, at first I was thinking "that's a shame" but actually if your folks have a different set of values maybe it's not a shame and just a healthy development that you acknowledge the dynamic and are ok with it.

For years I had all sorts of hang-ups about how my parents saw me, how they compared me to siblings and so on. I had a bit of CBT a few years back and it made me realize how significant family constructs are and how self-fulfilling and destructive they can be.

I recently lost my dear Dad and I am very thankful that I became much closer to him over the last few years. (Becoming a parent helped, bridged a gap, created common ground.)

I think it's normal to compare your relationship with your parents with that of your peers to theirs, but I would try not to get too caught up with that.

When I compare myself to my peers too much I can end up feeling miserable. It's worth remembering that we all have a version of ourselves we present to the world - it's not always as rosey in the garden as we might like you to think

We have a very good relationship but I also think my parents are quite passive-agressive. DH really doesn't get on with them - he tells it like it is, and they can't cope with that at all. They'd rather pussyfoot around and pretend to agree when they don't really. They're very concerned with keeping up appearances and my mum's really quite a snob although it took me a while to realise it. They are also not interested in anything, well, interesting, which means it's hard to hold a meaningful conversation.

your parents sound like my ex P's parents .

Off the top of my head from the people I know I think its split 50 / 50 between having parents that you can't stand or parents that are lovely.

I get on well with my (now divorced+ both re-married) parents. Although I gave them a lot of grief when I was a teenager but I got some back too. Now my mum pops round most days to help with the dc's and is the most lovely, unjudgemental person on this planet, she works as a samaritan- she's had plenty of practise with me and my sister and my dad always comes round on his days off for a cup of tea.

I guess if you're aware of your parents shortcomings then you can avoid turning into them.

Squilly your post made me sad. I also think about my relationship with my children once they are grown up and hope desperately that they won't see me the way I see my parents.

Nancysgarden I often wonder about what would happen if one of them were to suddenly get very sick, if we would all open up to each other or if they would maintain the stiff upper lip as they have always done.

Twinklemegan your post sounds very familiar. My dh is also from a very direct and open family and has a great relationship with his parents. He goes into a sort of passive survival mode when he's with my parents, as he knows he can get so easily wound up by them otherwise. I think being with dh has largely shaped my views on the relationship I would like to have with my dc.

I find that most of the time I can "play the game" with them, but no, we don't have any meaningful conversation. They also NEVER say what they really want, but then manipulate situations constantly so they get what they want. I feel that I can't be honest about what I think and want - on the few occasions I have done this there has been much offence taken - not said openly of course but I could tell by the atmosphere and clipped comments that followed. Is that passive-aggressive behaviour?

I struggle with my parents. They are in mid to late seventies, left school at 14 (that was not unusual during WWII)are reactionary and uneducated. Not their fault as such - but it is difficult to find common ground. I see them out of duty and nostalgia (mum was a caring mum when I was a child - dad was always shit) rather than because of love and delight in their company.

They are also quite repressed - lots of subjects not discussed. I really hope that I can forge a better relationship with my dcs.

hmc - if I look at my gran who is still alive age 90 then I can see why my mum is the way she is. My gran is victorian in her attitudes and her mother was even more so from what they have said about her.

The ironic thing is that my parents pushed like mad with my education saying it was never a chance they had etc. While I am grateful for the opportunities they gave me, it has also created distance between us as I've had a completely different life experience because of these opportunities.

KTNoo - that is exactly the same with my parents. They instilled the value of a good education in their dc's (again, chance they never had) and both my brother and I excelled academically...but as you so rightly say, that adds to the gulf

Parents are people which means that some of them are going to be great and some of them are not going to be great. If your parents make you feel unhappy, stupid or inadequate then it's OK to minimize the contact you have with them.

That's it exactly. I discovered discussing and arguing about everything of interest at the higher end of school and at university and naively tried it out at home sometimes, which was NOT well received. They think I'm being personal if I disagree with anything so over time I've learned to keep the peace and go with the flow. But I'm not really being myself.

I disagree - unless contact with them is harmful to your mental health or they have abused you in some way (rather than they simply do your head in - as per mine) - I feel that you have a duty and an obligation to have a reasonable amount of contact with them. They loved you, they raised you, they may have fucked up but they meant well...

Sorry - for clarity, that was addressing SolidGold's point

I wouldn't say they make me unhappy solidgold. Mostly they make me irritated, and also guilty but I'm not sure why.

Lol - I was in Waterstones at the weekend with my parents. Mum could barely contain herself at the number of books I was buying for dd and ds. I said "Mum, for heavens sake - you can't have too many books. It's not like it's pointless plastic tat that I'm buying" ...she just didn't get it, she was just thinking that I was over-indulging the children. Couldn't be arsed to point out that the majority of books that I was purchasing were Ladybird level 3 and Oxford Reading Tree 'Read at home' series to encourage literacy in my struggling dd, who is at long last beginning to show some interest in reading to herself

hmc I couldn't even have a discussion as direct as that with my mum!

We were in waterstone's yesterday actually, with my mum. I let the 3 dc choose a book each but I wanted to have some say in what they chose (ds will go for the crappest gimmicky book that will never be looked at again). I was debating with dd age 7 over the book she wanted and whether she might like another one - dd was disagreeing with me at first but it wasn't over the top or anything. My mum just couldn't handle that me and dd were "arguing", and in public too. In the end dd agreed to take the book I was recommending. Then she went over to my mum and I heard my mum whisper to dd "It's ok, I'll get you the other one as well next week." She obviously didn't want me to hear. Why could she not have just said it openly to me? Why does it always have to be done so manipulatively? I feel it makes dd think "Nasty mummy wouldn't buy it but grandma will get for me secretly."

I think I would handle them better if they were even openly critical about me sometimes - the raised eyebrows and sucking of cheeks is almost worse.

They are also majorly into making ridiculous empty threats to my dc which I do not do. It makes for a very stressful atmosphere. I'm quite easy going about mess etc, and while I appreciate they have their own rules and standards in their own house, I don't see why I should be getting disapproving looks for my not being bothered that my ds is dripping ice cream on his clothes at the park. It's me who has to wash them after all.
As long as you and your clothes are clean, it doesn't matter what's going on inside your head obviously.

Since I had children my parents refer to each other all the time as "grandma" and "grandad", and never use each other's names. It's like it helps to create distance in an indirect way. My mum will also get dd2 age 3 to pass things to my dad even when she could could easily give them herself as she's standing right next to him. I wonder how many couples just go through life and mariage with all these buried issues and suppressed bitterness?

I have vastly different views and norms to my family and have learnt to treat their 'foibles' with humour, a sort of detatched affection for their eccentric attitudes. Wont work for everyone of course but worked for me.

What is the age gap between you and your parents KTN?

One of the things I have noticed with my friends who don't have the best relationship with there parents is that they tend to have the bigger age gaps.

My Mum is my very best friend and I think that one of the contributing factors for that is she was relatively young (mid 20s) when she had me so we have so much common ground and there doesn't seem to me to be much of a generational gap.

Was very close to both my parents and had quite big age gap.

In some ways they sounded similar to yours BUT perhaps difference was they would do all their criticizing with humour and sarcasm, and vice versa. (the truth still hurt even in joke form at times!)

I used to do a rude 'I AM ZIPPING MY MOUTH CLOSED so we can KEEP THE PEACE' face when they really got on my nerves.

not read the rest of the thread properly but agree you do have some kind of obligation to your parents. They were everything to you as a child and except for exceptional circumstances (good English there!) we owe them everything to a point.

My parents and I certainly have extremely different life experiences and perhaps that made things difficult for some years, but I grew up and realised what opportunites and doors they opened for us that they themselves did not have.

HMC: I don't mea ncut all contact with parents who are irritating or have different values (but not actually abusive) I mean get it to a level that you are comfortable with. If a person has very critical interfering parents they shouldn't feel obliged to put up with weekly or daily contact taht stresses them out.

Ewe - my mum was 31 when I was born, and my dad 25. So not old. They are 61 and 66 now. I am 35.

But, they are from very different background to the one I was brought up in. We moved when I was very young as my dad got better job in different part of country. All good for me, no doubt about that.

But the way they are as people has never changed. They are so closed. If they are talking about something, say, a news item, if I say something which does not agree entirely with their view, there is an awkward atmosphere and brisk change of subject.

And they NEVER say how they feel about anything.

My dh is very close to both his parents. I, on the other hand tell my parents nothing, no more than I would tell a neighbour.

My Mum is as indiscreet as Mrs Bennett, and my Dad, although sweet, can't cope with 'feelings'. Itry and get along with them both, but in reality we are soooo different. I love them, but I don't like them, really.(Well, my Dads ok)

I don't tell them anything either mrsmaidamess. It's come back to bite me too many times. My mum has passed info on to me which I know was not supposed to have been divulged, so I am in no doubt she tells everyone everything about me.

When I think about my mum in particular, she is really a strange mixture. On the one hand she is very indirect and won't say what she wants or feels. But the other day my friend rang to speak to me at my mum's house and my mum started interrogating her about why she didn't have a boyfriend yet! She doesn't even know my mum that well. I was mortified and apologised to my friend later.

Another time we bumped into someone we knew only vaguely and my mum blurted out "So has your postnatal depression gone now then?" She must have heard this on the grapevine. Again I wanted the ground to swallow me.