How common is it to be close to your parents?

[KTNoo]

Me and my parents just seem to come from different planets. I like some things about them but in general find them extremely difficult people.

I could go into detail for hours about the things they do, but briefly, they are very concerned about appearances, manners etc, never really communicate properly with each other or anyone else, only do small talk really, and are quite passive-aggressive (I think - have only realised this recently) towards each other and me.

I am very open and direct (now - didn't used to be), like to discuss everything and don't take offence if people don't agree with me, and would rather have a disagreement with my dh (sometimes even in front of our dc ) than a bad atmosphere.

I am gradually accepting that we are never going to be close and we just have to try and get along. A lot of my friends seem to consider their parents as friends and love spending time with them, but I find it more something I have to do to keep them happy and promote my 3 dcs' relationship with their grandparents.

Is this a common scenario?

KTNoo, your issue here is that you are piggy in the middle...caught between a rock and a hard place as much as anything else? anyhow, that was by the by really...

My mum does the type of things that make want to say 'leave them alone' etc. Generally Unless it gets tooooooo much for me!) I work on the theory that they'll cope, and they'll work out (or have already) that it's just Granny's way, and she isn't around all the time..that they'll learn to live with it in the same way as they unfortunately have to live with all the other unjustices in the world!

what really pisses me off is that I have a bit of a thing about bleach and legionaires disease and salmonella etc and I have instructed my mother that it IS NOT ok for her to let my DCs lick the bowl after baking a cake, yet when she thinks I'm not looking she still does it. It drives me mad, not only because of the raw eggs, but because I feel like she is overstepping the line and deliberately undermining me

I try to let it go over my head. i tell myself that she can't really undermine me to an extent that it will matter. If I got worked up about it, it would drive me bonkers!!

KT when you posted, it was too ffload - and to ask for advice?

I hear all you say about how this sideof you only exists with your aprents. But do you want to change it- or just offload?

Unless you are willing to make some changes to how you behave, the situation will always be the same.

If it were me, iwould ask DH to look after the DCs and tell your mum exactly what you have said to us, re. the eggs.

They are YOUR Dcs - not hers!

I think I would have let the DCs keep the eggs they found, but maybe given the one who didn't have many a few extra, to keep it fair.

I think you simply have to take control of things. If your mum is doing things you don't want her to with your DCs , then speak up.

I knowit won't be easy, but you just have to grit your teeth and do it.

Otherwise, as they say, put up and shut up!

howtotellmum, when I posted I think it was to

a) offload
b) find out if a lot of others have these issues
c) find some small ways to change things

I am not expecting major change.

As I said, ds offered dd1 some of his eggs which would have made it fairer, but she was by then in full sulk mode and refused.

I'm so sorry KTNoo, I honestly didn't mean to start a thing about the eggs!

IME it is the norm to have these issues to some extent or other, and those who have perfect best friend relationships with their parents are the lucky ones, but also the minority

However if there is, after all, a secret to engineering that relationship with DCs I hope someone discovers it soon and lets me know . I trust there isn't, otherwise it would be more common.

KT

I do not have a great relationship with my parents though it is better now that my DCs are grown up and my parents are over 80!

We always did have issues when my DCs were small, as they had their (1950s) ways of bringing up kids and I had mine. We did have rows and had to agree to differ. On one occasion mymum was staying with us and left for home a few days early due to her argument with my then 12 yr old DS, who had "disobeyed" her, and things were very tense for several days til my dad stepped in and we made up- so I have got that T shirt!!!

I found, tbh, that listening to their ways confused me and made the situations worse with my DCs.However, I do live a long way from my parents so we only ever saw/see them a few times a year.

I am not really close to either of them; my mum was always over protective and a real worrier and before I left home I had to rebel in order to do normal teenage stuff!

I could never- and not even now- talk to them about personal things such as relationships, down mainly to the generation gap.

I love them and respect them, and see that whatever they did was in their eyes for the best- like all of who are parents, we only get 1 shot at it, and don't have any experience beforehand. However, I know that for all I love my mum, she would not be a "friend" if she wasn't my mum- we have different interests and ideas about things.
I have always had more in common with my dad, and this has made my Mum jealous- she has never said- but we both know. She gets annoyed if I spend more time on the phone to him, than her, and she eaves drops- he only ever rings me when she is out, so he is not overheard- not that we discuss anything secretive, but he just feels less stressed by it all.

I think you have to gradually pick away at her interferring and try to be more assertive, if you canbe.

four kids no prob. I don't do confrontation anyway .

howtotellmum, thanks for your post. From what you say I think the main difference between your relationship with your parents and mine is that you could have arguments and disagreements. We do not have arguments. The closest we come is me making a slightly too daring assertive comment about something. The response to this would always be nothing - at least to my face anyway. Between my mum and dad it's all sighing and cheek-sucking and walking away from tense atmospheres, returning later and pretending nothing has happened.

When I first met dh's family I felt extremely uncomfortable if they had small arguments in front of me. Over time I have realised that this is normal and healthy. They disagree, they have "words", they state their opinion, they don't insult each other or shout, then that's it. The respect is still there and they all move on. That's what I strive for in my family, i.e. me and dh and our 3 dc. I wonder sometimes if the fake "peace" we had when I was growing up was allowed to continue as I have no siblings. I see from having 3 dc myself that a certain amount of conflict is inevitable when you have siblings, and hence you learn to deal with it.

If it were me, I would just speak my mind to them- and say "What are you thinking etc etc" and accuse them of sighing and not talking!
Not easy, but maybe the direct approach is one you haven't tried -and may work?

I have had various attempts to speak my mind over the years. Some of them stick in my mind.

I remember once my mum was moaning to me about my dad. I told her she should speak to him. She told me I would understand when I had a husband. Then refused to discuss further.

On various other occasions she would start to cry, then leave the room.

Sometimes she will make quite an insulting comment. If I challenge her on it she will make out like she was joking, and tell me I don't have a sense of humour. Or sometimes she will deny she's done something/said something.

Both my mum and done say things like "well very sorry I'm sure" in a sarcastic tone of voice, if confronted about something.

It has taken a long time to stop repeating these things in my own relationships. I want to be honest with my dc, and not hide my feelings. It was very confusing for me as a child - they would say one thing but I sensed that they felt something else, but couldn't really work it out.

^Sometimes she will make quite an insulting comment. If I challenge her on it she will make out like she was joking, and tell me I don't have a sense of humour. Or sometimes she will deny she's done something/said something.

Both my mum and done say things like "well very sorry I'm sure" in a sarcastic tone of voice, if confronted about something.^

I hear exactly what you are saying. However, it takes 2 to have a dialogue and it takes 2 NOT to have a dialogue.

I suspect that in all of the above, you backed off and your mum had the final word? Maybe if that was so, you can change that now?

Perhaps you could challenge her when she said she was joking- and say you didn't find it funny, or that it was not how it sounded to you. In other words, don't accept her excuses or her moods.

One of thebasic rules with assertivness is not to blame or accuse the other person, but to begin your sentences with "I" so you could say "I feel upset when you speak to me like that. I find it hurtful. It makes me feel you don't love me. I feel that you are dismissing me. I feel you are criticising me as a mum..." and so on.

It opens the conversation and gives her the chance to say her bit, or not.

I think you are letting her off the hook too much. Is this because you feel your relationship won't stand any arguments? You have to be prepared to test it to change it.

What you say makes perfect sense in theory, but so hard in practice.

I'll give you another example. My mum always smoked quite heavily when I was young. I always hated it and would nag her a lot as a teenager, trying to persuade her to give up. She always point blank refused to discuss it with me. Then suddenly one day she gave up. No talking about it, nothing, I just gradually realised she was not smoking anymore. I tried a few times to ask her about it, but she made it very clear it was not up for discussion.

When you ask if our relationship could stand arguments, the only asnwer I can give you is that I don't feel we have a proper relationship anyway.