How common is it to be close to your parents?

[KTNoo]

Me and my parents just seem to come from different planets. I like some things about them but in general find them extremely difficult people.

I could go into detail for hours about the things they do, but briefly, they are very concerned about appearances, manners etc, never really communicate properly with each other or anyone else, only do small talk really, and are quite passive-aggressive (I think - have only realised this recently) towards each other and me.

I am very open and direct (now - didn't used to be), like to discuss everything and don't take offence if people don't agree with me, and would rather have a disagreement with my dh (sometimes even in front of our dc ) than a bad atmosphere.

I am gradually accepting that we are never going to be close and we just have to try and get along. A lot of my friends seem to consider their parents as friends and love spending time with them, but I find it more something I have to do to keep them happy and promote my 3 dcs' relationship with their grandparents.

Is this a common scenario?

Yes my Mum can be as blunt as a spoon yet skirts round any issues of any real importance regarding feelings. Its a tricky mixture.

I'm used to being open with people, yet with my Mum I have my guard up all the time.

Also she has the memory of an elephant, I mention something in passing once and she refers back to it again and again.

I love/loved my parents (mum now dead), but have lived some distance from them sice the age of 18 which I think helped alot. I enjoyed visiting them and having them visit but a week was usually plenty, as I never really felt like myself in their company, probably because to them I'm always their little girl. Their easy going natures and independance probably helped me be independant though.
A parent or inlaw who was constantly interfeing in my life and wanting to be involved in the choices I made would have really irritated me.My husbands both had similar relationships with their parents. Maybe independant people choose other independant people. We both had parents who had moved away from their parents for employment reasons though, so there was a family history of loose apron strings.
I don't tell my extended family intimate secrets. That's what my husband's for, and my close friends.

I absolutely adore my mum, she's my best friend apart from my daughter and I'm proud of it. We've always been really close our whole lives. I think it helps that I'm not scared to say what I think if I feel she is out of line, and vice versa, and neither of us bears grudges. I think we really have a very equal relationship which not eveyone is lucky enough to have. I can't imagine coping without her
My dad I found trickier when I was growing up as he was much likelier to just lay down the law "you're NOT wearing that/ going out with him, mind your manners" etc etc. It's been harder for him to let go of me being his helpless little girl who needs his good advice all the time! But we get on really well now, by and large. I think as I grew up I understood where he was coming from far more.

musicposy I would love to have the kind of relationship you describe with my mum.

My parents are great - sometimes after spending time with them I realise DH and I have had a better time than we have with some of our friends . They are lively interesting and very popular.

DH's parents on the other hand are abit odd. Negative and depressing, no social skiills at all. We try and minimise our contact with them. How they produced DH will never understand.

Managed to upset my mum today. She didn't say that of course, but I could tell.

She has this knack of discussing things with my dc, things they can have/do etc, then adding "if your mummy says it's ok" just at the end. Imo she does it with things she knows I won't want them to do/have. So by the time they come to me to check, it's really difficult to say no, or if I say no then I'm the bad guy every time. e.g. today she was telling dd1 and ds they could get a build-a-bear as an early birthday present (birthdays are in june fgs!) "if mummy says it's ok". This is after discussing with them which clothes they would choose for their bears etc etc. I don't really want them to get presents before their bdays but how can I say no after that?

I kept it vague today, and said to the dc sth like "well if you've been told you can have it then how can I say no you can't?", which my mum took offence at, I could tell.

Is that really manipulative of her? She does that kind of thing a lot. I think they should come to me first before telling the dc things they will do "if mummy says it's ok".

I always feel so bad when I know I've upset them but I think I have to start telling myself I can't just keep the peace all the time by letting them do whatever they want, and can't take responsibility for every time they get offended.

KTNoo

I hate to say this, but you all sound as if you are behaving in a similar way. I think you could be more assertive- and assertive is saying what you want/mean/think without being aggressive.

It takes 2 to communicte- and 2 to not communicate!

With the incident of the early birthday presents, why could you not have spoken openly to your mum about your feelings on it- your conversation with your child "Well if you have been told...etc etc" was a rather passive-aggressive way of disagreeing with your mum, through your child- whereas you could have told her how you felt, quite calmly, out of earshot of the DCs.

They can't behave differently if you don't tell them what you expect and want.

You also need to stop protecting them from their actions- if you say what you feel, they can have the choice - they can be offended and sulk etc- and damage the relationship more-or they can learn that you are an adult with your own ways of bringing up your children.

My advice is that you learn to speak your mind, in an unemotional manner.

Please don't think I am being patronising, but there is some really good stuff online abouthow to be assertive, and get what you want, without upsetting people. Google "How to be assertive."

I totally see what you are saying, but really it is soooooo difficult if not impossible to be assertive when your parents are like mine are. You can't imagine it if you've had an honest and open relationship with your parents.

I agree that I do sometimes act passive-aggressively with them. They are the only people that I am like that with nowadays. It's like when I'm with them I revert back to the ways I grew up with.

Believe me, they are NEVER going to change. I have changed. I am assertive with everyone else in my life. But to play the role I am used to with my parents causes far less distress for them than if I were to confront them openly, even about small things. I have tried confronting them. They refuse to discuss things, get defensive, then either change the subject or leave the room. When I was a child, no-one ever said sorry, nothing was ever talked about after the event, if I was rude to my parents and stormed up to my room, when I came back everyone just acted as if nothing had happened.

They will buy the early presents and I will have to accept that. That's the way it always is. My in-laws, incidentally, are the complete opposite - I could say anything to them, but as is always the way in these matters, I never need to.

Mainly I just focus on not repeating this awful pattern with my own dcs, but I often feel it's sad that I can't really be myself with the people who brought me up.

It might be difficult to break a pattern that has developed over years, but it is not impossible, if you really want to make things better.

Maybe have a target of making one small change next time you see them- just be assertive over something. You are really allowing yourself to be controlled by them as you are afraid to be yourself and stand up to them.

What you are forgetting is that they have a CHOICE over how they behave. At the moment you are all caught up in a loop and if it is ever going to change, then you have to be the one to do it.

You seem to be assuming that they will never change- but unless you give them the chance, how can you be so sure?

Do you have any suggestions then, over where I could start with this?

I honestly do not believe they will change.

I could be more assertive, but I will cause major offence. I have no doubt about that. I have a feeling their reaction might also involve emotional blackmail of the "look at everything we've done for you" kind. And they have done/still do a lot for me.

I love and respect both my parents...we may not always get along (isn't that life?)..but I know that if i need them they are there for me and my family...I have in the past been extremely honest with my mother she's really the one who likes say whatever she likes without consequence we are very close she was a teenage mother and I am her first...tears have been shed by us both arguements and accusations but ultimately love continues...it takes strength to stand up to your parents no matter how old you get...but it's good to...my mother even told me in the past she respected me because I told her where to get off..this is my family and i will always love her but our relationship has changed...some things about her wont change,some of the things she does wont change and I accept some of those things about her others I speak to her about...because she is my mother and I love her

You may have to upset them...and yourself too KT

Agreed- you may have to upset them at first- to clear the air.

I think the reason you have this problem is that you DON'T WANT to upset them. Why? Are you afraid of confrontation? Are you protecting them from their bad behaviour- and it is bad, manipulative behaviour.

If you accept that they may be uspet- but that won't mean the end of your relationship, or them loving you, would that make it easier to speak your mind? Are you so insecure that you cannot cope with their reaction?

How can you doi it- well,look at whathappened over the b'day.

Could you have said "Mum, I need to talk to you" Taken her out of earshot of the DCs and said "I know you are trying to XYZ, but I feel XYZ... and that is really how I want my DCs to behave/have/have not..."

I tell you afterwards it's much easier KT...the first time you may feel like you are hurting them deeply...but you are not..you are helping them and yourself

With the bear thing, I would have said "well, of course you can go and choose them today, but we will keep them until your birthday..." or something like that.

Try to pull the rug out from under her if you can't stop her before she starts. Not easy but you'll get better at it, the longer you practise.

As your kids get older, they will understand that gm is crossing the line; you will be able to say "Well, you know the rule (no biscuits before lunch or whatever)" and be more obvious about it. Don't worry about upsetting her. She's a grown up.

Thanks for responses.

Mumcentreplus, it's great you have that kind of relationship with your mum.

I think what I'm expecting is not major change (if you met them you would see what I mean in an instant) but rather strategies for not letting them manipulate me. I suppose that means being assertvie in small ways. If they have to get a bit upset then so be it. But we will never have the "this is how I feel" discussion. They just don't do that. With anyone. They have huge protective barriers around themselves so they don't have to deal with anything properly. As a result I think I go a bit over the top and overanalyse my childrens' behaviours!

howtotellmum, yes I am afraid of controntation still - never had much practice at it. But I have now seen dh's family fall out and make up and life goes on so I know it can be different, and it is different with my dcs and me.

I suppose I am also afraid of their reaction to me speaking my mind. They would be devastated as they cannot cope unless everyone pretends all is fine. My mum would also tell everyone what her daughter did to her - she has occasionally in the past been the "victim" of friend's nastiness so I've seen her do that one.

Justalotmorechocolate, I have become quite skilled over the years in second guessing, but I still seem to get caught out, e.g. I will let info slip and then everyone knows something private. But they are really good at getting what they want.

KT you are such a lovely person and thats why you think so much about how your parents feel..but you have to think about how YOU feel..and what you want them to understand...I was a wimp for a long time...thinking about how my parents would react..they may walk away..or try to brush what you say off..but stick to your guns..they love you and you love them..it will be ok..your mum may say what she wants to friends abnd relatives..but the important point is you have told her what you need to..

Thankyou MCP, that's a lovely thing to say. I know deep down they would be there for me in a crisis etc (and vice versa), it's just the day to day getting along we seem to struggle with!

you are not alone KT...

KT - I have just read this thread and word for word, I could have written your posts! I feel the same way about my parents (who are divorced to complicate it further) and just like you I don't know how to relate to them etc.
It causes me quite a lot of stress, how about you? Mainly because my mum says or does things which wind me up so much and I feel unable to address them directly with her. When I have tried she behaves like a child, acting hurt and upset and turns it into a guilt trip for me (deliberately I think as she cannot accept criticism). My dad refuses to talk about anything emotional or meaningful at all and so I just get cut off mid sentence if I even try.
It is interesting that others posted about your 'duty' to maintain a relationship with your parents, I feel my parents expect this and this is largely where my sense of guilt comes from I think, because I don't really want a relationship that creates so much negativity in my life. But then I don't know how to turn it around so like you I go along playing the game.
It's an interesting issue and one that for me at least is very raw and difficult because I don't really know how to deal with it.

I suppose I am also afraid of their reaction to me speaking my mind. They would be devastated as they cannot cope unless everyone pretends all is fine. My mum would also tell everyone what her daughter did to her - she has occasionally in the past been the "victim" of friend's nastiness so I've seen her do that one.

Your parents' reaction is NOT your responsibility- it is theirs. I doubt if they would be devasted- and if they are- good! It will bring them out of their emotionally-repressed fantasy world, into the real world where people speak their minds, but still stay friends, or carry on loving each other.

If you can stop believing that you owe them some kind of "easy life" devoid of emotion, then you will begin to move forward. You also have to ask if you believe that the ties with your parents are so fragile that they would be broken by your being assertive- if they are, well is love really there- or really deep?

WHAT would your mum tell everyone? Think it through...would they believe her anyway?

I doubt if she would tell anyone - what, for example, that you disagreed with her over soemthing? And if she was to tell them- would it really matter? Why are you bothered about the opinions of your mother's friends?

You seem to have grown up into somene who is a "pleaser" - trying to keep everyone else happy, but not yourself. Is this what you really want?

howtotellmum, my parents are the only ones I act like that with - honestly. I have been through a lot of stuff turning myself into the person I am now, and I have been lucky enough to find a wonderful dh who I have learnt so much from. So although it's difficult to be with them the way it is, it's sort of a compartment i have in my life, iyswim.

beanstalk, thanks for your post. I had a feeling there must be other people like me out there. Partly I think it's a cultural, and also generational thing.

I am at my parents' house right now, for easter lunch. We are having a situation as we speak, with dd1 age 7 doing her "martyr" act. I don't know if that is just the way she is (despite me NOT acting that like any more!), or whether she is learning this from grandma. Briefly, we had an egg hunt in the garden after lunch. My mum wanted to pool all the eggs and share them equally, but dh (who is not afraid to speak his mind, and because my parents are so unused to this they are a little afraid of him) felt strongly that they should all be allowed to keep whatever they found. I didn't really care either way. It turned out dd1 found a few less than the other 2. Cue huff (even after ds offered her a couple of his), then she said she didn't like chocolate anyway blah blah blah. We are just saying ok you're annoyed they got more than you but there are your eggs if you want them, but my mum is trying to coax her out of her mood, which in my opinion reinforces the message that if you act like a martyr you get lots of attention. Also my mum is commenting every few minutes on ds and dd2, who are happily scoffing their eggs, saying they are going to be sick because they're eating so much chocolate etc etc. Why can't they just enjoy their find? There is a very bad atmosphere in the room.

It's all very subtle I think. I've been watching carefully to try to work out exactly what is going on. A typical scenario (from this morning) - dd2 asks my dad to paint her nails, dad doesn't want to but doesn't want to say that, tells her grandma would like to do that, grandma is busy making lunch but dare not say that to my dad, so instead tells dd2 in loud and pointed voice that she's a bit busy right now, making lunch for everyone. I hate the way they do it through my dc. I make a point of going straight to dh with my complaints!

KTNoo, as an aside really, I'm rather with your mum (sorry) about the eggs hunt. If they pool their finds the hunt engineers team work and sibling assistance rather than competition and sibling rivalry! horses for courses though...

And on practical matters I can't, and wouldn't dream of, giving advice because I haven't got anything useful to say

But regarding family relationships in general, I think it's very important not to have expectations of closenes. I mean,as long as everyone can be civil, then that's probably okay. If you can be best friends that's fabulous and something we might all wish for, but that's unrealistic because we are all different and will all have better friendships with some people more than others. We don't expect to be bosom buddies with everyone we know, and our reletives are only people we know - this isn't coming out very well, sorry .

I'm trying to say that in all probability those people who are best friends with their mum would have been so even if they weren't related, and those who aren't wouldn't! the members of my family I adore, I would have adored if they'd happened to live next door to me...and those I don't I probably wouldn't give much more than the time of day to if they'd happened to work with me or something iyswim!

Aaargh....now she has managed to corner ds and dd2 in the kitchen and is interrogating them over how many eggs they have eaten. "How many have you had?", "Have you eaten them ALL?" etc etc. She can't help herself. I feel like running in there and shouting JUST LEAVE THEM ALONE!!!!!!

She's really controlling when I come to think of it. It's no wonder I don't tell her anything nowadays. And I get very pissed off at dh if I feel he is trying to boss me about.

fourkids, I didn't mind how the egg hunt was organised, but dh was adamant they should all hunt for their own so I said ok whatever. It's difficult because my mum bought the eggs, but dh is very forceful in his opinions. I would have accepted her way of doing it, but the fact is that she gives in to others, and then moans/mutters like mad afterwards. With people she knows well she usually manages to manipulate the situation to get what she wants, but she doesn't see dh too often, and he's something else in the assertiveness dept!!

I think I would not be friends with my family if we were not related.