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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I know what you're going to say.

60 replies

shellshockedstunned · 08/04/2009 20:45

Regular, name-changed.

Been having some problems recently in relationship, and this evening he completely lost it with me. He wandered off muttering under his breath, and I was making his tea and got a bit mouthy.

Suddenly, he came bursting back into the kitchen, shouting at the top of his voice and got quite physical with me, and I'm now a bit bruised on my ribs and arms.

He's horribly contrite now, and he has had a difficult week, largely because I've not been on top form healthwise and emotionally. He says he feels awfully ashamed, not least because one of our toddlers came in and asked straight out 'Daddy, did you get mama?'

I'm at sixes and sevens.

OP posts:

Ewe · 08/04/2009 20:48

Oh no, that is so sad

Has anything like this happened before?

HuwEdwards · 08/04/2009 20:50

He's had a difficult week, christ I have one of those each month at least...who doesn't.

Still does not go anywhere near excusing his behaviour. If the red mist really came down, why didn't he punch a wall, or fuck off out for a couple of hours.

Really hope you are ok.

fattiemumma · 08/04/2009 20:51

you know what we're going to say because deep down you know that this is unnacceptable.

Hassled · 08/04/2009 20:53

You seem to be blaming yourself - you say you haven't been on top form this week, which has made his week difficult - as though that's some sort of justification for his actions. It really really isn't any sort of justification. I'm sure he has weeks when he's not on top form - would you do what he did?

I don't think contrite is good enough. I think a commitment, which he follows through, to anger management sessions, should be his first step.

I'm very sorry.

kidcreoleandthehotcrossbuns · 08/04/2009 20:54

shellshocked.
You must talk to your DH and tell him that it is unacceptable to act like this, you will not put up with it. You must make him realise that you will not be treated like this.

Original poster

shellshockedstunned · 08/04/2009 21:09

He's grabbed me a couple of times before, not left a mark, though.

I mean, bloody hell, I can hear the words 'I was giving him quite a bit of gob' in my head, and I know what I'd be thinking if this was someone else.

OP posts:

Hassled · 08/04/2009 21:17

I wish I knew what to say. But everyone can be a bit mouthy on occasion when provoked - being hit for it is not a normal response.

mrsboogie · 08/04/2009 21:24

He has to get help quick for his problem whatever it is - stress , anger, depression whatever. Quick before he does something you will not be able to forgive. For god's sake don't let this be treated like its no big deal - he was violent and next time he will be more violent. If you don't want to end up a battered wife you need to get him to see that it needs to be sorted now.

Original poster

shellshockedstunned · 08/04/2009 21:29

He's gone out now.

It appears to have all blown over. It just feels so unreal suddenly. If I didn't have the bruises on me, I'd have trouble believing it happened.

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 08/04/2009 21:30

Well it's bound to happen again......and again...... Just thankfully your DC didn't see, this time. What about next time? What if they get caught up in it?what did he say after the other incidents? Were they addressed or brushed aside?

EllieG · 08/04/2009 21:32

It will happen again if not dealt with. Has it happened before? Or verbal attacks? This stuff always, always gets worse if not helped. Do you feel safe?

Original poster

shellshockedstunned · 08/04/2009 21:35

He was really sorry and it didn't happen again for ages. I mean, it's been about three times before, and we've been married ten years.

There are other issues we've been trying to work through, but I'm not going to be specific, because I'll give away who I am, and I just can't face that right now.

But basically people were concerned that he was being controlling, and I was all confident that despite it not being easy, he was ok with losing a bit of the control he had, and now I'm just not at all sure.

OP posts:

EllieG · 08/04/2009 21:41

How would he react if you talked about this incident with him when he was calmer? Would he agree to get some help or would it stir things up?

Alibabaandthe40bunnies · 08/04/2009 21:44

He needs to deal with this - anger management would be a good start and would demonstrate that he realises that what he has done is unacceptable. Please don't let this just be brushed to one side, if he has a history of being controlling then the violence towards you is a worrying devlopment - as is your automatic 'it's my fault' reaction.

Original poster

shellshockedstunned · 08/04/2009 21:53

No, I don't think he'd go for any counselling, I've already mentioned it about the other things, and he said he didn't think it was necessary, it's just 'something we can deal with ourselves'.

Sodding hell, things were actually starting to feel a little better.

OP posts:

Original poster

shellshockedstunned · 08/04/2009 22:03

He's just come home and is upstairs running me a bath. Says he feels sick about it, especially given the week I've had, and the fact that one his friends made a pass at me a week or so ago which has left me feeling really fragile.

OP posts:

EllieG · 08/04/2009 22:08

My sister's ex used to be really nice to her after incidents like this, until it built up again. Don't let him running a bath make it OK. He needs to do some serious changing.

Original poster

shellshockedstunned · 08/04/2009 22:13

he just tried to cuddle me and I flinched proper crying now.

OP posts:

Alibabaandthe40bunnies · 08/04/2009 22:15

I don't know what to say or suggest. Is there anyone in RL who can give you support?

Original poster

shellshockedstunned · 08/04/2009 22:20

Nope. Tbh, if I'd have posted this under my real name there'd be more replies on it too.

Feeling pretty crushed right now.

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 08/04/2009 22:23

He says he doesn't want/need help ? This says to me that he doesn't see himself as having a problem. So it's going to go unaddressed. It will happen more and more. I endured violence for many years, it started off verb, then became physical, then became very,very physical. I had many, many lovely bubble baths run for me too....

Alibabaandthe40bunnies · 08/04/2009 22:24

Can you bring yourself to tell us who you are? Just wondering if the support might feel more real if it was aimed at 'you' - does that make sense?
People are still here to support you though.

Hassled · 08/04/2009 22:26

Well have you anything to lose by posting this again in your usual name? Or linking to it under your usual name? It sounds to me like you need all the support you can get. I'm so sorry - you must be in pieces. You could talk to someone at Women's Aid, if you want a RL conversation about it.

Original poster

shellshockedstunned · 08/04/2009 22:27

I just feel so ashamed myself. Just feel like I look so, so stupid now.

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 08/04/2009 22:29

You don't look stupid! Why say that? What were the other problems you mentioned? Are they related in any way?

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