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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I know what you're going to say.

60 replies

shellshockedstunned · 08/04/2009 20:45

Regular, name-changed.

Been having some problems recently in relationship, and this evening he completely lost it with me. He wandered off muttering under his breath, and I was making his tea and got a bit mouthy.

Suddenly, he came bursting back into the kitchen, shouting at the top of his voice and got quite physical with me, and I'm now a bit bruised on my ribs and arms.

He's horribly contrite now, and he has had a difficult week, largely because I've not been on top form healthwise and emotionally. He says he feels awfully ashamed, not least because one of our toddlers came in and asked straight out 'Daddy, did you get mama?'

I'm at sixes and sevens.

OP posts:
EllieG · 08/04/2009 22:31

NO! You are NOT stupid! Not at all. Please, never, ever think any of this is your fault. You did not ask for this - you are not responsible, whatever you said, he should not have reacted like this, and what happened, or the aftermath, is nothing for you to be ashamed of. He should be very ashamed however. Talk is cheap, bubble baths likewise. If he really wants to prove he is serious, he should give you some space and go and get some help.

Do you feel you are safe right now? And the kids?

Original poster
shellshockedstunned · 08/04/2009 22:32

I'm in a fairly recognizable situation, which has heavily involved religion to an oppressive degree, the whole 'submissive wife' thing.

OP posts:
Alibabaandthe40bunnies · 08/04/2009 22:32

Definitely not stupid. Your husband subjecting you to domestic violence is not your fault.

Original poster
shellshockedstunned · 08/04/2009 22:33

Yes, I feel fairly safe right now, he's on the playstation. I think he's a bit cheesed off that I'm still a bit nervous around him.

OP posts:
EllieG · 08/04/2009 22:34

I'm sorry, DD is crying and I have to go, but am thinking of you. Will check in in the morning. Hope you are OK tonight.

Hassled · 08/04/2009 22:34

It doesn't matter what's already been said re your DH on MN before - no one is going to say "I told you so". At least no one nice. If they do, ignore them.

You have nothing to be ashamed about - it doesn't sound like you could have seen this coming. If you want the support of MN friends, then ask for it and you'll get it, I'm sure.

Original poster
shellshockedstunned · 08/04/2009 22:36

OK, I'm KayHarker. Feeling about as un-bloody-christian as I possibly could right now.

OP posts:
solidgoldshaggingbunnies · 08/04/2009 22:36

Oh love. It's horrible when this happens and sits there so clearly and unmistakeably in front of you - that your partner is an abuser.
Because he is. He's done it before and now it's escalated - he thinks (and sadly this mindset is pretty much unchangeable) that you are only a 'woman' and therefore he's entitled to push you around, control you, tell you what to do and punish you for not obeying him.
Call Women's Aid and have a chat to them, they will support you and give you all the advice and info you need, and they won't push you into leaving him or calling the police if you don't feel ready to do that. But they will help you to deal with the fact that yes, this IS domestic violence and yes it is happening to you and it is NOT ACCEPTABLE.

Alibabaandthe40bunnies · 08/04/2009 22:36

And that is the crux of it. He doesn't really see that he's done anything wrong, not really. And that is worrying.

solidgoldshaggingbunnies · 08/04/2009 22:39

Oh Kay! Oh shit!!!
DO you want to CAT me or even phone me? (CAT and I will give you phone number). THis will sound daft but I almost feel like I know you, we have 'met' on so many threads.
Sending you best wishes and strength and stuff.

Original poster
shellshockedstunned · 08/04/2009 22:41

Cheers SGB. I don't know what to think right now. Think I'm going to have my bath and process some of what everyone has been saying.

OP posts:
solidgoldshaggingbunnies · 08/04/2009 22:45

FWIW I don't think Jesus would have been very impressed with your H's behaviour. Never mind what that old fart St Paul thought. (and I am here considering Jesus as a historical figure whose main message was, hey, be nice to people. Love other people. You are not entitled to beat up your wife because you have a cock and she doesn't.)

Alibabaandthe40bunnies · 08/04/2009 22:46

Kay I hope you can get some clarity. Please don't be embarrassed, your H should be the one hanging his head.

MegBusset · 08/04/2009 22:50

Oh, Kay

I have followed some of your other threads and posted on them once or twice. You know this is completely unacceptable, don't you? Whatever kind of week he's had.

So sad and angry for you...

Hassled · 09/04/2009 09:21

Kay - how are you doing?

BitOfFunnyBunny · 09/04/2009 09:30

Oh my love, I knew it was you straightaway...you have my email if you need to talk, anything at all I can do, I'm here x x

QuintessentialShadow · 09/04/2009 09:35

Oh shit KH, I read this thread and just knew it would be you. Then you confirmed it

I think you DO need councelling. Just because he says you can handle it yourself, it is not necessarily the case.
Can you start going yourself? Maybe he will join you?

Dont be ashamed. You are trying to keep your family together, but he does need a wake up call.

QuintessentialShadow · 09/04/2009 09:37

I echo sgb, this is a very un-Christian thing to do, and very far from the love and compassion that is Jesus.

BitOfFunnyBunny · 09/04/2009 18:50

How are you doing tonight sweetheart?

dittany · 09/04/2009 19:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BitOfFunnyBunny · 09/04/2009 19:20

I agree that anger management is unlikely to be helpful- unless he has a history of roughing up colleagues etc. If he has self-control in other stressful situations, it's not really about "managing anger", and more about him accepting he has no dominion over you as his wife. It sounds like he has a big problem with this issue, and has had for a long time.

solidgoldshaggingbunnies · 09/04/2009 21:35

Kay: how are you today? Hope you are safe and not feeling too sore.

KayHarker · 10/04/2009 13:31

Right. Took some time out over the last day, left the childcare with him and got my head together.

Much as I did toy with the idea of calling the police on his arse, I'm not going to, because I have no intention of pressing charges, and I don't want to waste their time.

But anyway, this whole thing has crystallized something that I've been pussy footing around with for the past couple of years. I've spent the whole time blaming myself for the situation we've got into, but the simple fact is that it's not my responsibility how he acts.

Yesterday, he organized some anger counselling through work - it is something he will benefit from. Yes, the outburst was very sudden and shocking, but he does have a resentful temper which simmers under the surface, and he knows he crossed a line and doesn't want to do it again.

I told him that was great, and I'm happy to support him in it, but that I'm done with trying to accomodate his unhappiness about how things have changed in the marriage, and with me in general.

I have spent my entire life trying to fit into a mould someone else made for me. These past few months, it's felt like I've been coming out of a hibernation I've been in for years, and I am so done with trying to be someone I am not.

So, I'm not going to be 'asking permission' to write, or to learn to drive, or to have a shower, and he can live with it or leave.

FFS, I'm not quite sure how I managed to say all that, but there it is. I did.

JuxaLOTmoreChocolate · 10/04/2009 13:36

"he has had a difficult week, largely because I've not been on top form healthwise and emotionally"

So if you were ever to get really ill...?

Anifrangapani · 10/04/2009 13:38

I am glad to see you are looking to what will make you happy. It is very easy to fall into pussy footing around other people because it is less stressful.

Keep strong and good luck.