Can I ask about men getting upset/angry if they don't have enough sex?

[picnicinthepark]

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solid, you're much more generous than i am. i'd have handed him the 99p lotion from Semi-Chem and told him to get on with it.

I wonder if it is just that he feels emotionally rejected when he doesn't have sex as often as he would like.
Not saying that he is right to feel like that, but some people do.
Perhaps a 'hand shandy' from you, rather than as his own solo event, might be a half-way house in this situation?

picnicinthepark - I think your husband is treating you very badly. I think you have done as much as you can in the circumstances and I think it is now time for you and your husband need to seek professional counselling advice together.

I would have liked to have said more but upon reflection I think it will not be helpful to you.

'Perhaps a 'hand shandy' from you, rather than as his own solo event, might be a half-way house in this situation?'

She is already shagging him out of pressure from him. She's already having sex with him 4/5 times a week.

And now she should be giving him hand releases, too, because he wants even more?

I don't know, but I'd feel pretty fecking emotionally rejected if my husband were still happy plugging me when he knew damn well I didn't really want to.

I'd feel pretty emotionally rejected if my husband mocked me and sulked like a 5-year-old because I didn't allow him to use my body as a fuck doll whenever he felt like it.

picnicinthepark, I agree with abetadad's suggestion about specific counselling together for this issue (although often counselling for sexual issues will include individual sessions too).

I appreciate that my experience is far from what you have experienced, or are ever likely to experience, but I do wonder whether if we had faced the problems earlier, we might have been able to prevent things from escalating. Perhaps I could have been more assertive, perhaps he could have learned better ways of coping with his desires. Perhaps in the earlier days there would have been more love and affection that would have helped us to face the problems... who knows?

I see that abetadad has decided not to post more. That is a pity in a way because I would have liked to hear what he had so say. Not in any way in an aggressive "Men are all b.....s", but genuinely to hear a different perspective on how such a painful and potentially destructive interaction could be avoided. Perhaps abetadad could post on another thread?

Hi am back, wow this thread took off!

A lot of points have been raised here which I hadn't even considered myself. I have to say for the record that when i say i 'give in' to having sex with him, I do not feel like I am having sex against my will at all, more that I have been persuaded and go on to enjoy it.

notmanypeopleknow something you said really rang a bell with me about not feeling like you could go to sleep without satisfying his needs first. It has got to a point now where when I know we haven't had sex for a while I don't feel like I could just go off to bed to read or just sleep without feeling like I was not helping him out. Also somebody said something about it being about being wanted emotionally and he says that himself, he doesn't want to masturbate because it is the connection between us and DH and DW that he is after. For the record he is quite open about admitting that he masturbates everyday even if we have had sex or are going to sex, he just seems to be highly sexed overall.

I was also interested in hearing what Abetadad had to say from a male pov.

Also from a affection point of view, he is very physically affectionate, maybe he is just a very physically/sexual type of person

I am sure that every couple must have occasions when one or other of them is more inclined to have sex than their partner - and the situation may even be mismatched for a prolonged period. In those situations then yes, absolutely, being gently persuaded, or agreeing a compromise "hand-shandy" is probably totally appropriate. It is all part of the normal negotiation between equal partners in a relationship.

However for me it was something a little different.

Eventually for me every affectionate gesture became part of a chain that would eventually lead to sex even when I didn't want to "I just want to be close", I just want to hold you", "Can't we just cuddle", "Just touch me a little bit", "Just let me be inside you". It may all sound like gentle persuasion, but it was far from it.

picnic, I am glad you do not feel you are doing this against your will - that is a truly horrible feeling. But please, if this remains an issue of concern, as it sounded in your first post, then please consider doing something about it. Good luck.

Picnic: OK so he wants closeness and affection as well - but to get that, he has to understand that your feelings matter just as much as his. He may very well have a high sex drive, some people do, but that still doesn't entitle him to sex whenever he wants it. If he was single he would have to do without sex when there was no willing partner available and it wouldn't kill him.
TBH 2-3 times a week is above average frequency, and seems about fair to me as a compromise between a couple when one wants it twice a day and the other would be happy with once a week: compromise is about accepting that both partners matter, that both are entitled to their feelings and that it's vital to be considerate of the other partner.
I think it woudl be fair for you to say to your partner, though, that the more pressure he puts on you, the less you feel like having sex, and that you are not a perpetually-available orifice.

Also, that other ways of expressing affection and love can be as valid as sex.

I mean, after all, when you marry, you say, 'in sickness and in health, for better for worse . . . ' you don't say, 'you have to shag me as often as i like.'

picnicinthepark/notmanypeopleknow/ - when I have time over the next few days/weeks I would like to start a new thread and I hope we can use that as a neutral discussion place on what is a painful and destructive issue.

I look forward to that abetadad. Despite what I have posted on this thread about my experiences, I think I am pretty capable of a neutral and healthy discussion.

Just read this over and it remnded me of how my ex was. Manipulative and sulky if he didn't get it every night. Yet so happy and upbeat if he got it. As if his whole life revolved around just that. It was like a split personality, all depended on sex. Nothing else mattered to him. He'd be nicer to the kids, nicer at work, more energy, be more helpful at home and with kids. Yet if he didn't, well... his whole attitude was one of a moody selfish ignorant bastard. The thing is, it makes you resentful. I would 'perform' just to keep the peace in the home, even if I was knackered, and if we were ever alone, that was all he felt we should spend our time doing.
Thing is, I got to the stage where it was like 'feeding a crying baby' you do it just to shut them up. When I used to get my period, I was so glad and used to fib about the length of it, just for a another day of 'rest' (even that didn't bother him really).
These people are very demanding. I always felt as if he was another kid in the house draining me, rather than a partner to shoulder the load with. And this is eventually what split us up.
If I wasn't up for it and stood my ground I would be called mockingly 'ice'... then I'd have to put up with the moods and growls.
I am divorced now and I remember that peaceful period after he left. Getting into bed and just laying there without being bugged... ha ha ha...
I know how you feel and I think he is being very manipulative. Mine wouldn't discuss it with any constructive results, just talking about sex used to turn him on or make him feel insecure, so that didn't work either.

Fecking hell, Kally and notmany, your ex's sound like they needed some major counselling.

I think using the excuse, 'Oh, he's just highly sexed,' is a cop-out, though.

picnicinthepark - I have just been searching on the internet about the issue of high libido in men (and women).

I had heard that some people (men and women) have extremely heightened libido and it is a medical condition. There are drug treatments available. It is an extremely distressing condition for both the sufferer and their partner. I suspect you and at least some of the other posters on here may possibly be unwittingly the innocent victims of this condition via your DH/DP. There may be other reasons of course (e.g just inconsiderate/immature) but the extreme libido your DH expresses seems highly unusual and he seems unable to control it. However, as you say, he is a nice man when he is not in a frustrated state. Clearly he is not happy though and neither are you.

I have linked to a US discussion forum on the issue below and reading through the posts there it is very clear that this extreme libido state is not something that can be controlled by counselling alone. It is not in the victims mind, they have no mental control of it, but it is driven by hormones (generally high testosterone levels). There are both men and women sufferers (but not their partners) talking about it here:

High Libido forum

I am sorry to say that others who have posted on here about DH/DP who wanted sex every day and it caused a divorce may in some cases have been victims. I have to say that as a man I find the idea of wanting sex every day and then become impossible to live with (if that is not forthcoming) is a very unusual and abnormal state.

I also typed 'high libido in men' into Google and got a lot of links that I did not read.

I hope this is of some help. I suggest you need to seek medical as well as counselling help and perhaps draw your DH attention to the forum as well as other internet sites you may find. When he has read them it may well open a door that allows you both to talk about the issue in a logical way and calm way.

I do not post this as an excuse or justification for your DH behaviour so please no one flame me. It appears this is a very real and distressing condition that makes the sufferer (men and women) and their partners very unhappy and I have no doubt ruins marriages and relationships if left untreated.

Ha ha ha, I put up with that for 26 years! You get to thinking there is something wrong with yourself.
It IS a lot to do with with wanting to control. I don't beleive 'highly sexed' is a correct description either. It goes way beyond that - insecurities, lack of self esteem, spoilt brattishness, a whole myriad of negative aspects brought to an extremely huge appetite for something, be it sex, food, booze or whatever - if that person is so inclined, it will manifest itself in some way or other. With my ex it was sex. But then he would go thru phases of overspending on luxuries etc and be in that same elated state as if he had just had a whole nights worth of romping. He would be upspirited and 'high' and sweet and funny... then the novelty would wear off and he'd be unsatiated again.. always hungering after something. A very unrelaxed soul, highly strung and over energetic. He really wore me out to the point that since we split up I never want to set eyes on him again or have a conversation. Nothing, totally worn out with him. I also found that once I had a child/children to care for, he was even more demanding. As if in competition. My sister once said to me that she thought he regarded our children as some 'by-product' of our marriage and that he should always be top dog and first considered no matter what .

Today, as far as I know, he has been through countless women (who all hanker after him and want to settle down with him etc,(try and fix him) but he always drops them and goes on to the next). Ever hungry, never satiated. Phew... so glad it's all behind me.

Abetadad: interesting link about high libido, and I can appreciate that in some caases the person is at the mercy of his/her hormones: however, the majority of the men posted about on here don't sound like they would accept or seek medical intervention, becauase the root of the problem (sorry) is that they simply think their needs override their partner's feelings. If they went to the GP it would be to ask what drug could be fed to their partners to make the partners more sexually compliant.

Is there not a condition called sex addiction?

Screamingabdab: Yes. Well, maybe. In the sense that people can get 'addicted' to lots of things ie use whatever it is to blot out anxiety, pursue the whatever compulsively to the point where it's messing up the rest of their lives, but I am not sure addiction is quite the right word, i's more of a compulsive behaviour. And in the case of these individuals who are relentlessly pressurizing partners for more sex, it's not that compulsive or the individuals would be humping everything in sight and end up in jail.

I never thought I would say this but he really needs to be more of a wanker.

Thanks for posting that abetadad.

No flaming from me but I did laugh at this quote from your link: "For men, the easiest and least utilized method of libido reduction is orchiectomy (removal of the testicles)". Funnily enough that is exactly what I wanted to do to him at times

I find myself completely torn by this. On the one hand, I think that if my ex could have had a "medical reason" for the difference between us, then I do think that he would have been more willing to recognise it as his problem too. And to participate in counseling / help / treatment that might have help us both.

On the other hand I know that "medical models" often underplay the importance of psychosocial issues, and the need for behavioural change. Many women who have posted here have recognised their partners' libido, but they (and sometimes their partners, when asked) have been horrified at the type of pressurising behaviour that the OP described. So it seems that some men have high testosterone yet they can control their own emotions and behaviour. Some men can't and I am left wondering what is the difference between them?

On the third hand(always useful for masturbation), I can empathise with Kally about the escalating control issues. When my ex felt out of control about out sexual relationship he exerted other forms of control: money, jealousy, career issues etc. I do not know whether he was a controlling person because of his personality, or whether his sexual frustration and tension drove him to try and control other areas of his (and therefore our) life. He certainly did not exhibit any controlling tendencies in the years before we were married.

If I could make a fourth point, it would be to agree with solidgold's post: "If they went to the GP it would be to ask what drug could be fed to their partners to make the partners more sexually compliant". That is certainly what I experienced.

Sorry picnic, if I have hijacked your thread. This is so cathartic for me. Great discussion.

I have just noticed this thread, and it really struck a chord with me regarding my exh's behaviour. Obviously, what I am about to say is the worst of his behaviour, and it wasnt like this all the time. But it did go hand in hand with other (albeit low level) dv.
He would also sulk, get arsey about 'lack' of sex. He would be happy to have sex when I wasnt (what does that say about him?), and would complain our sex life was non-existent when it really wasnt.
Thankfully, he left me for someone else. Took a long time to realise I should be thankful for that. I can imagine what their sex life is going to be like if they stick together.

2 things I wanted to say:
firstly, it has left me as a lone parent with a negative attitude to sex, from 'giving in' and having sex to keep him quiet. I am ready to start dating, but do find I sabotage relationships if I think they are really into me and it might lead somewhere. I am extremely nervous (more so than usual) about sleeping with someone new.
secondly, my counsellor suggested a couple of things for if this should happen in the future, especially given my negative attitude to sex at the mo. she suggested saying - I dont want to have sex, but would love to be held / cuddled in bed instead. Therefore keeping the intimacy, but releasing the pressure for you. And making sure it it isnt rejection for him either.

I am very amazed that so many people have reported that their dh's arent like this. I thought it was normal

He can't just cuddle you in bed and hold you?

Because I can tell you, and I've been here, there and everywhere.

And love, love is respect. Nothing but.

At the end of the day, that is what it is.

They don't respect you, they don't love you.

YOU don't respect yourself, YOU don't love you and therefore you are incapable of loving anyone else.

It's not about sex, anymore than rape is about sex (and yes, I have been raped, too, an acquaintance/date rape, but my best friend's brother's roommate). It's not about sex, it's about dominance and control and taking from someone.

So you go and see a counsellor. Not about him and whatever his problems are.

But about you.

And what you need to do about it.

It's been over 10 years since my wife and I had any sort of intimacy - for no reason other than she simply doesn't find me attractive anymore. There's other stuff, more recently, but that's not germane to the question.

From a mans point of view, i have never felt that i have to get grumpy, or moody, or unpleasant, because of a "lack of sex". Don't get me wrong, i have - maybe had, it's retired i suppose - a sex drive, and i have been tempted to stray, but i'm nothing special, and i've managed to survive without it. Your DH is being a twat.

Not sure if I have anything to add that hasn't been said already, but I've also been in a relationship where I was pressurised into having sex. We are separating and I would say this is one of the main reasons that my feelings for him were eroded.

I was willing enough, even after two babies and breastfeeding, but it developed into an issue when he stopped touching me at all unless he wanted sex. Then he would dress it up as 'do you fancy a cuddle?' when he wanted sex, not just a cuddle. Yes, I fancied a cuddle - several times a day, please...but he didn't touch me or compliment me. At least the OP has an affectionate husband (most of the time!)

My resistance developed as I began to feel used, but I wanted my marriage to work and gave in eventually to keep the peace. I began to avoid going to bed while he was still awake, even when I was shattered, because I didn't want to be pressured again. He never physically forced me, but over the course of about five years, each sexual encounter (about every 3 weeks) was preceded by days of nagging, coercing and emotional blackmail. He wasn't interested in how I felt or whether I enjoyed it and it killed our relationship.

Don't know if this helps anyone, but if you are in a relationship where you are pressurised into having sex, maybe this is a glimpse of your future if it's not dealt with.