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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can I ask about men getting upset/angry if they don't have enough sex?

100 replies

picnicinthepark · 07/04/2009 20:29

test

OP posts:
Simplysally · 07/04/2009 20:59

He sounds a bit selfish to me tbh. With such small children, sex would be the last thing on my mind. Any time in bed not spent sleeping would be a waste of time imho.

Don't have any real advice though, sorry.

AnyFuckerStealsHerKidsEggs · 07/04/2009 21:03

reality, I completely agree

however, on first glance I read your last sentence as "would he ever get a strap-on..."

tee hee

RealityIsMyOnlyChocolateEgg · 07/04/2009 21:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

AnyFuckerStealsHerKidsEggs · 07/04/2009 21:07
Grin
Moosy · 07/04/2009 21:08

Reality why are you at me?

AnyFuckerStealsHerKidsEggs · 07/04/2009 21:10

moosy, your post made me have visions of you running downstairs after settling the kids in bed and immediately shagging on the kitchen table over all the dirty dinner pots

RealityIsMyOnlyChocolateEgg · 07/04/2009 21:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

MissTFied · 07/04/2009 21:19

What a complete tosser! Actually if he was just a tosser then maybe you'd be ok.

Can't you just tell him to have a wank and get over it?

wannaBe · 07/04/2009 21:21

he needs to grow up.

Tbh I would wonder what he sees in you other than his own sexual gratification. Because it sounds to me as if what he takes from the relationship is all physical and if that's not forthcoming he doesn't want to bother with the rest. And the rest is so much more important.

I asked my dh and he said "he's lucky to get it 4 times a week."

I would seriously be tempted to tell you that until he stops treating you like a piece of meat there for his gratification there will be no sex at all.

And I would follow it through.

Mooseheart · 07/04/2009 21:23

Blimey, 4-5 times a week? I think we were once like that, on honeymoon or something...

OrmIrian · 07/04/2009 21:25

He is a prick.

Mooseheart · 07/04/2009 21:25

Actually,our honeymoon only lasted two weeks, and I had food poisoning for one of those weeks...

AnyFuckerStealsHerKidsEggs · 07/04/2009 21:29

perhaps the OP should buy him a blow-up doll and be done with it

where is the OP, btw ?

dittany · 07/04/2009 21:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hopefullandfree · 07/04/2009 21:44

I find this quite alarming and have experienced this with my ex, note the ex.
I find it disturbing that any man will have sex with a woman who doesnt want to, even more so when hes sulking, effectiveley manipulating you .

I dont think for one minuite its about sex drive but bullying and personal victory.Most men would be horrified to find their partners were having sex when they didnt really want to.
Honestly, i dont think its normal behaviour.

Whats he like apart from this ? Does he usually consider your needs, or are you regularly expected to put your own needs to one side to cater to his ?

Original poster
picnicinthepark · 07/04/2009 21:54

Oh god sorry to go missing for ages, was eating dinner and getting DS back to sleep.

Apart from the sex thing he is lovely to answer the questions about what he is like the rest of the time. He works in the local area, so I often come home from wherever and he has done the housework that I would've done that day, he cooks the evening meal probably 5 times a week, shares the bath/bed routine, spends the weekends doing family things.

I have free time to myself as well, I see a councillor once a week for seperate issues and have a regular Thurs night out. It really is just this sex thing, he seems to get so physically tensed up and worked up and can't seem to handle it. Plus he has a "perfect" view of marriage whereby he seems to think its all puppy dogs and rainbows and we should spend 24/7 gazing into each others eyes

OP posts:
tiredandgrumpy · 07/04/2009 22:02

My dh can be like this too, but we only manage once or twice a week. He gets really moody & grumpy with us all when he has to go longer & says it's my fault he's in a mood. I figure, like most people on this thread, that it's he that has the problem & he has to learn to control himself.

beanieb · 07/04/2009 22:08

What does he do when you have your period - or do you have sex anyway? If he can deal with no sex while you are menstruating then he should really deal with it at times when you just don't want to. I think 'high sex drive' is a misnomer (is that he right word?) because having a high sex drive doesn't mean a person has to have penetrative sex IMO.

beanieb · 07/04/2009 22:09

Oh - sorry, missed that you had covered the periods thing.

fourkids · 07/04/2009 22:10

Firstly I have to be clear that my DH would NEVER behave that way and I would NEVER have sex with him if he did.

BUT I know that lots of my rl friends report grumpiness and bad temper when their DH feels a good seeing to is overdue. We have always concluded that it's a testosterone thing. That's not an excuse, by the way, but could it be an explanation?

Also, the way they seem to work it often is this:

  1. not had sex for a few days
  2. DH gets horrible and grumpy on (say) wednesday
  3. DW says "no, bugger off you grumpy git" on Wednesday but resolves to sort him out on Thursday so she can have her 'nice' DH back.
  4. DH has long ago worked out that it works this way, so on Thursday he can be extra nice in the knowledge that he's probably going to get his end away!

This way he can claim he never bullied anyone into sex, and she can convince herself that she wasn't bullied into sex.

PurpleKate · 07/04/2009 22:25

My DH used to be a bit like this too. When he got to the gagging for sex stage he basically started pestering me until I gave in.

I have developed a number of strategies to deal with this that mostly work well.

Firstly realising that for him sex is both a biological need and a demonstration of love. I don't feel this way about sex, but understanding this means that I can let him down gently when I'm not in the mood.
I also found that recognising when he's starting to get 'needy' enables me to suggest alteratives to penetrative sex.
And finally I absolutely refuse to have sex with him when he is sulking about not getting enough - I remind him that it doesn't work as a seduction technique!

dittany · 07/04/2009 22:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gunnerbean · 07/04/2009 22:34

God, this thread makes for pretty grim reading.

I can only imagine what a total miserable curse it must be to be married to a highly sexed man.

expatinscotland · 07/04/2009 22:35

AnyFucker and Reality pretty much summed up what I was thinking.

I have a high sex drive, too, but ANY behaviour like this would put me right off.

I'd hand him a bottle of lotion and tell him to talk to the hand.

expatinscotland · 07/04/2009 22:36

I'd rather get myself off than shag a bloke in that type of mood. I'd have a better orgasm.