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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Can I ask about men getting upset/angry if they don't have enough sex?

100 replies

picnicinthepark · 07/04/2009 20:29

test

OP posts:

Mumcentreplus · 07/04/2009 22:48

Oh dear must just be me who gets a bit pissed if I don't get a good seeing to...

BitOfFunnyBunny · 07/04/2009 22:59

Well yes, I can feel a bit tense myself if we go a few days for whatever reason, but I would neve dream of getting grumpy with DP- it's hardly going to help the closeness! DP is much the same, and neither of us would knock back a milder alternative to the "main event"...could that be a help at all? But the main problem here is his stroppiness, so the solution shouldn't really focus on how to make him feel like he's "gettng enough" really, but how he is going to learn to act like a grown-up.

ThingOne · 07/04/2009 23:02

He really needs to grow up. Whatever the issue, you can't always get your own way. As an adult he should be helping his children learn that, not stropping around like a petulant teenager.

Mumcentreplus · 07/04/2009 23:05

well..tbh if he didn't want you it would probably be a different be thread all together..i personally believe he could be more tactful and gentlemanly in his responses...but I have had my moments so I'm not going to act like it's impossible

Mumcentreplus · 07/04/2009 23:07

god I think i need to come off this thread and get me some

NotPlayingAnyMore · 08/04/2009 01:05

"I think I just do it because when we get down to it, I enjoy it and then he is happy and his usual self again.

I bet you don't enjoy it as much as you would if you hadn't been nagged into it though

lowenergylightbulb · 08/04/2009 09:20

I'm sorry but I'm hearing alarm bells. His refusal to take into account your feelings (regardless of how much he cooks, what housework he does...) regarding sex is very odd. And he also seems to expect all your evening attention to be focused on him.

Your description of him mimicking you being tired made me feel quite cross on your behalf.

Sometimes my DH wants it and I'm too tired, sometimes we'll not have sex for 4 or 5 days but it's just not a big deal.

solidgoldshaggingbunnies · 08/04/2009 09:30

He needs a good kick in the nuts. OK perhaps not literally, but you need to tell him firmly, once and for all, that you do not exist purely for his benefit and that he is not entitled to have sex with you just because he wants to.
Bear in mind that his behaviour is that of a borderline rapist: he wants sex so he thinks he is entitled to have it whatever the woman thinks/feels. Tell him you're not going to have sex with him at all until his attitude improves - why should you have sex with someone who is rude, selfish and disrespectful?
But - and brace yourself - be aware there is a real possibility that a man like this will then try to rape you. If he does, call the police on his arse.

BitOfFunnyBunny · 08/04/2009 10:22

I doubt that, tbh, but he does need to listen to some reasoned discussion - I know he's said that what other people do is irrelevant to him, but it really isn't: norms exist, and he couldn't say something like "Well, I don't care if most people don't smack their kids every day, it's just the way we do things in this house that's important", could he? The norms are an indication of what works for most people, including you, it seems. If his "needs" fall outside thse parameters, then he needs to take responsibility for this himself, and as Expat so succinctly put it, "Talk to the hand"!

solidgoldshaggingbunnies · 08/04/2009 11:52

Most rapists are men like this, folks. They are men who think that they are entitled to sex with women, that being fucked is what women are there for, and that the woman's opinion doesn't matter. So if the woman says no, or maybe later, or not tonight, then the man will fuck her anyway, because he wants to.

BitOfFunnyBunny · 08/04/2009 12:02

This fella doesn't seem to act like a Neanterthal all the time though. I still think you are exaggerating. I agree that men who rape have the attitude you describe, but most blokes with an attitude of entitlement to sex but an otherwise decent set of values are far more likely to whinge and sulk. Pathetic and selfish, but not criminal.

doggiesayswoof · 08/04/2009 12:10

solidgold I get where you are coming from here, but tbh in the OP's dh's case I think you are talking shite.

In fact I get annoyed at the general anti-men bollocks that always comes out on these threads.

Grumpy sulky moany sexually frustrated man = borderline rapist - what a horrible hateful cynical view

OP, I do agree though that he is being a nob. I take it you have told him that you DON'T FIND HIM ATTRACTIVE when he gets like this? My dh has a high sex drive and gets tense if it's been more than a few days. He gets a bit withdrawn and distant. He would never ever nag or mock me over it. He would never pressurise me to have sex if I didn't want to - he wouldn't enjoy it anyway. I find it odd that your own enjoyment of sex seems kinda irrelevant to your dh.

He may not get quite the same result from a wank, but that's the way he has to go if you don't want sex. End of.

doggiesayswoof · 08/04/2009 12:14

At least the OP can talk about it with him (when he is not in a strop) and therefore he realises it's an issue.

I agree with bitoffunnybunny. And it's not just about norms, it's about what his DW wants and what is atm making her unhappy.

solidgoldshaggingbunnies · 08/04/2009 14:09

OK, what was worrying me was the verbal abuse and the mocking of her complaints.
However: a friendly solution might be for her to treat him to one of the new fancy male-pleasuring devices like a Fleshlight or a [http://www.monkeyspanker.co.uk/?gclid=CMLCqqmt4ZkCFVOT3wodRjXYWg Monkeyspanker]] and say look, darling, I do understand that you're frustrated but it's really offputting to be under pressure all the time.

BitOfFunnyBunny · 08/04/2009 14:19

I do love a good constructive suggestion

notmanypeopleknow · 08/04/2009 16:00

name changed obviously.

My exh behaved exactly like this. Even when I was desperately tired I could not get to sleep if I hadn't satisfied his needs, because he would lie in bed and hurumph! and toss and turn (not toss in a meaningful sense). I often gave in because then I could get the deed over and be asleep in ten minutes. If I didn't I could be awake for an hour or more while he was angry and disturbing me.

We did talk about it and he said "if you would initiate things more, I'd be OK". But how could I initiate things when he was looking for sex every couple of days? And if I did initiate sex, then it only seemed to fuel his imagination and excite him more the next day.

We used porn, because it was a quick way for me to get turned on. It was important for him that I had an orgasm - to show how much I enjoyed sex too.

Over the years this totally undermined our relationship. I grew to dread sex with him. His response: "but you're my wife". As solidgold says - he felt entitled to sex to meet his needs.

And when our relationship deteriorated completely, yes he did use force. He told me I was frigid (err, only because he was controlling and manipulative and had reduced my self-confidence to nil). He agreed to go to counselling because he thought that the counsellor would sort me out and tell me to have sex with him . He was furious that I'd told the counsellor I often had no choice about having sex, and said I'd made him feel as though he raped me (well yes, because he had ).

I have written in length here because solidgold makes a really important point. I agree with doggiesaywoof about disliking anti-men responses that get posted, but my own experience started where the OP is, and ended up where solidgold describes.

Sorry for a long post, I hope you can get things sorted picnicinthepark. Please don't ignore how you feel or the problem that this can cause. Please think about how you can work out a solution together that is better for you both.

PS. He is now exh, and I have been in a very long term relationship with lovely dp and we enjoy a boringly normal sex life

BitOfFunnyBunny · 08/04/2009 16:05

That's certainly food for thought...I'm glad you're happier now though.

ABetaDad · 08/04/2009 16:07

picnicinthepark - I have been following your thread since it began and I think your DH is very wrong to put you under pressure this way. I do not think you could have done anything different to what you have done already in trying to resolve the situation.

I have some of my own male experience, a story about someone else and some possible solutions I wanted share which I think will help but it is quite bit long and I wanted to take my time to make a thoughtful post and will come back tonight or tomorrow. Hang in there, I think there is a way through this but it is not as simple as other posters are suggesting.

To be honest I wanted to post before now but have been reluctant to because I have been attacked by other posters on these kind of Relationship threads who have accused me of horrible things (I think mainly because I am a man) in the manner that doggiesayswoof has highlighted. I am grateful to her for giving me the courage to post. I agree with every word she says in her posts right down to the final full stop. I am of course in full agreement with many other posters too.

Will be back tonight or tomorrow.

BitOfFunnyBunny · 08/04/2009 16:10

< swishes denim skirt at ABetaDad >

AnyFuckerStealsHerKidsEggs · 08/04/2009 16:24

lol BOF, I wanted to do that too but I refrained < puts nose in air >

BitOfFunnyBunny · 08/04/2009 16:47

...

solidgoldshaggingbunnies · 08/04/2009 17:18

Oh, just one basic bit of biology for those who don't appear to know it: if there were anything in the argument that a man needs to discharge his tackle every now and again or his eyeballs pop out and his brain melts, then one off the wrist will do the trick perfectly well (actually ISTR reading that if a man neither has sex nor masturbates he will intermittently shoot his spoot while sleeping). He doesn't need to do his stuff in/on an unwilling partner's body to have the beneficial effects.

hopefullandfree · 08/04/2009 17:22

Not many people know, i have a similar experience to yours and its truly awful.Any man who uses force, of any kind, whether its physical force or guilt tripping a woman into having sex doesnt deserve a wife in my opinion.

Any man who will have sex with a woman when its clear she doesnt want to has a serious problem.

Explaining it away with a high sex drive just doesnt work .Horny men can get releif through masturbation, its easy quick and effective. Instead some harrass and manipulate their wives into having sex when they KNOW they dont want to.
Thats not normal or healthy.
To me its clear its nothing to do with the urge to have sex, but the urge to dominate that these men have.

Solidgold, i agree with everything you said.

dittany · 08/04/2009 17:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gunnerbean · 08/04/2009 18:42

Absolutely spot on Solidgold.

Man is supposed to be above animals in the evolutionary hierarchy and no man should go around acting like a rampant ape.

A supposed "high sex drive" is no excuse for such behaviour and no woman should seek to use it as an excuse to justify such behaviour on her OH's behalf either.

It all smacks of neanderthal to me.

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