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Original poster

DH seems totally uninterested in sex.

51 replies

Snardvark · 07/04/2009 17:35

Its really getting me down. We certainly haven't made love this year, I think it could well be 12 months since we did.

We've been togetehr for 9 years and he was very keen for about the first year and since then its dwindled off. We have an 8 year old so its not like we have a small baby keeping us up all night. He does work fairly hard, but works from home two days a week and I don't think is stressed with work or anything.

The other thing (TMI alert, sorry), is for about the last 5 years he's seemed a lot keener on handjobs/ oral sex rather than penatrative sex. Although he will always return the favour as it were.

I just don't know what to do. I don't think I've let myself go at all. I said to him last night that I was going to bed early and was in the mood, etc and that I hoped he'd join me - he didn't. I've told him that I don't think we do it enough and that I'm upset and he just sort of laughs and changes the subject.

So I'm left thinking that he either doesn't fancy me anymore or he's having an affair.

I'm in my early 30s and feel quite pissed off at the thought of many years of marriage infront of me with such a lack of intimacy. He never tells me he loves me, kisses me, etc. I used to tell him I loved him but guess I don't anymore as got fed up with him never replying. I don't try and hold his hand when we're out anymore as he used to grimace when I took held it.

OP posts:
BitOfFunnyBunny · 07/04/2009 17:41

It sounds like a couple counselling job to me- it will help you talk, hopefully without blame, and get to the bottom of this. Perhaps you will find some sex therapy will help, but you do need to talk, I think.

Original poster
Snardvark · 07/04/2009 17:44

He won't do counselling, I've asked him.

He won't even come on holiday with me and DD, we've had to go by ourselves for the last 5 years.

OP posts:
traceybath · 07/04/2009 17:47

If he won'd do counselling i'd say you need to have a very frank conversation with him.

The lack of sex is one thing but refusing to go on holiday with you and DD is very strange indeed. Not to belittle the lack of sex - i wouldn't want to live like that.

How is the relationship in other ways?

Original poster
Snardvark · 07/04/2009 18:12

Well we don't argue about anything generally so I suppose thats good. We go out for dinner together occassionally just the two of us.

I do worry that most nights/weeks we don't spend a lot of time together. Neither of us tend to watch TV. He spends most evenings in his office on the computer. Whetehr its work or internet surfing I'm nt sure. He jokes about the amount of time I spend on MN, but what else am I supposed to do in the evening if he's tucked away doing his own thing and I don't watch TV?

He won't come out with me and DD if we go and do anything at weekends. He'll stay home saying he's got things to do - work, DIY, ETC. He goes paragliding with friends some weekends and I do try and make an effort to go and watch. So spend days sat on an airfield a bit bored while he's busy but I feel I'm making an effort and we do chat a bit inbetween flights. But he tends to be bust helping beginners in the club as well, so not much time.

OP posts:
BitOfFunnyBunny · 07/04/2009 18:13

If he won't do anything to help improve or at least discuss this situation, then he is being rather unreasonable to expect to keep this marriage going with zero input from him....does he realize he is on dodgy ground?

traceybath · 07/04/2009 18:16

Being brutal it sounds like you're flatmates rather than in a relationship.

Am guessing you know its time to properly talk and work out whether theres a future for the two of you together or not.

Niftyblue · 07/04/2009 18:16

Why won`t he go on holidays with his own family??

Have you asked him why he is always busy doing other things than spending sometime with his wife and DD??

Thats not right

Original poster
Snardvark · 07/04/2009 18:20

I'll ask him again about counselling, it was a few years ago I mentioned it and he said no.

I suppose he may well have things about me he doesn't like and I will have to take responsibility as well. I know that one thing which has annoyed him and I worry its made him feel rejected is that I can't bare him snuggling against me in bed when I want to sleep. I hate anyone even touching me when I'm sleeping and can't relax/sleep. I did explain that it was nothing personal but that I need my space in bed but worry he may have felt rejected. But I really did explain how I just can't sleep if I'm being touched. Is that unreasonable?

OP posts:
Original poster
Snardvark · 07/04/2009 18:21

Yes, I do feel like we're more flatmates than anything else.

OP posts:
Original poster
Snardvark · 07/04/2009 18:21

Saying that, I do love him and still fancy him. Just not sure he feels the same.

OP posts:
Original poster
Snardvark · 07/04/2009 18:22

He says he won't go on holiday as he finds it boring. Its not like I find spending that day at the beach or a farm park with DD the most exciting day out. He comes skiing with us but not a summer holiday.

OP posts:
BitOfFunnyBunny · 07/04/2009 18:34

Gosh, I can't imagine that attitude from him is doing dd's self-esteem much good Does he take any interest in her either?

Original poster
Snardvark · 07/04/2009 18:44

He doesn't really do a lot with her. He'll help her with her homework one night a week and he does have to look after her the odd weekend if I'm working, so he'll take her out for a bike ride. He doesn't really see her mon-fri as he either gets back from the office late or carries on working (or at least on the computer) when he gets home.

OP posts:
Original poster
Snardvark · 07/04/2009 18:46

He's sat over the table from me now and asked what I'm MN'ing about so I told him. He said does everyone suggest you have an affair? I said no, counselling and he's gone quiet and is reading the paper.

OP posts:
traceybath · 07/04/2009 18:47

odd response from him

Original poster
Snardvark · 07/04/2009 18:55

Actually I was paraphrasing - what he actually said was "do people say you should have a seeing to by a big, black man".

Which is even odder, really. BTW he isn't referrng to anything I've ever done as I've never had an affair either with a caucasion or non-caucasion.

OP posts:
Greyclay · 07/04/2009 19:10

Snard - your post makes me very sad for you. Your husbands silence, uncommunicative behaviour and avoidance of his own family life makes me very sad for you and extra sad for your DD. It sounds as though you are living separate lives within your own marriage. You must feel very lonely. Maybe he does too.

You are far to young to be resigned to a life like this. What do you want? What would make you happy in life and in your relationship? What do you want out of life for you and your DD?

I would suggest that you try to start talking to him. He might try to disengage or he may even get angry. The point is, doing nothing won't make for an easy life. It will just silently let the problems grow bigger. If he won't go to counseling, I strongly suggest you go on your own. You have it within your own power to try and fix things...whether he comes along for the ride or not. It's your life too.

Be brave and good luck.

Original poster
Snardvark · 07/04/2009 19:20

I would love for DH to take more notice of me and for us to have the sort of relationship where he enjoyed spending time with me and doing things together. Not 24/7, I understand if he's the sort of person who needs to be able to go paragliding, etc and thats fine. I don't want to stop him doing that.

I worry that in 10 years time when DD is an adult I will have nothing/nobody in my life. My mum spent 30 years in a loveless marriage and now at the age of 65 has just divorced. I don't want to be in the position of trying to restart my life at that age.

If it has to be done then better now I suppose. But I don't want to do that, partly becasue of DD but also ebcause I do love him and want to sort things out, not split up.

OP posts:
Minxie1977 · 07/04/2009 19:23

I'm not advocating arguements as a great communication tool, but I'd be having a row by now. From what you've said his attitude seems dissmissive at best. Which makes me quite cross for you!

I would say his response to you MN'ing is either a bit of recognition that there is a problem or an odd way of expressing a sexual fantasy

betterthanlife · 07/04/2009 19:25

I don't think the lack of sex in itself is an automatic sign that there is something wrong with your marriage but the lack of kisses/cuddles and just spending time together really does sound as though you could do with some counselling - preferably together if you can persuade him to go and otherwise on your own.

I hope you're able to find a way forward.

HecAteTheEasterBunny · 07/04/2009 19:33

Re the sex - Have you asked him why penetrative sex doesn't really do it for him?

could be anything, erection problems, anxiety, performance problems, stress, or maybe he likes things that perhaps he feels unable to tell you about (fetish or something.)

the not kissing and cuddling and never telling you he loves you are, imo, worse.So sad. to try to think of best explaination - Maybe he's not a touchy-feely person?

whatever, he needs to know he can be totally honest with you and that you want to know so the 2 of you can work it out.

debs05 · 07/04/2009 19:36

He sounds depressed, the bit about you having sex with someone else, he sounds like he feels inadequate. You need to talk about it.

Northernlurker · 07/04/2009 19:47

No sex, no affection, no holidays, no interest in you and your dd - none of this is good. You all - him included - deserve much more out of your lives. I think you need to push him to get some help with things and if he won't you should walk away. You cannot spend another 40 years like this!

Alibabaandthe40bunnies · 07/04/2009 21:11

He's not having an affair is he? Just strikes me as odd that his first comment was to do with YOU having one.

Whatever it is, he needs to show some willing. He is being a part-time husband and father at the moment and that isn't acceptable.

Spero · 07/04/2009 21:16

I think you have to try to decide what you want. Can you live like this for the rest of your life together? Or will you start to hate him in another few years?

I think you have got to raise counselling again. If he refuses to discuss it, or refuses to go, you have to go on your own so you can have someone to talk to and you can clarify what you want to do.

Its a big step. But I do believe that this is your one and only life and it doesn't sound like you are happy or he gives much of a damn.

Lots of luck. I hope this is a wake up call for him.