DH seems totally uninterested in sex.

[Snardvark]

Its really getting me down. We certainly haven't made love this year, I think it could well be 12 months since we did.

We've been togetehr for 9 years and he was very keen for about the first year and since then its dwindled off. We have an 8 year old so its not like we have a small baby keeping us up all night. He does work fairly hard, but works from home two days a week and I don't think is stressed with work or anything.

The other thing (TMI alert, sorry), is for about the last 5 years he's seemed a lot keener on handjobs/ oral sex rather than penatrative sex. Although he will always return the favour as it were.

I just don't know what to do. I don't think I've let myself go at all. I said to him last night that I was going to bed early and was in the mood, etc and that I hoped he'd join me - he didn't. I've told him that I don't think we do it enough and that I'm upset and he just sort of laughs and changes the subject.

So I'm left thinking that he either doesn't fancy me anymore or he's having an affair.

I'm in my early 30s and feel quite pissed off at the thought of many years of marriage infront of me with such a lack of intimacy. He never tells me he loves me, kisses me, etc. I used to tell him I loved him but guess I don't anymore as got fed up with him never replying. I don't try and hold his hand when we're out anymore as he used to grimace when I took held it.

Is there any possibility he might be gay?

I was thinking that.

I've wondered if he might be having an affair but there's no signs that he is, not that I've done any snooping - but I wouldn't want to. I don't think he has the time - unless its someone at work, but if it is he's not seeing her at weekends or even in the evenings. He's always home by 7:00pm and his office is a 90min drive away.

MrsBoogie - Its funny that you mention the possibility of him being gay. I knew him for 3 years before we started seeing each other and always thought he was gay. He was in his late 30s when we got together and I was the first girl/woman he'd ever taken home to meet his parents. His mum told me she always thought he was gay. He says he's had a couple of girlfriends before me. Someone I used to be friends with always reckoned he was gay - not from anything he's ever said or done but more from how he is with me.

But then he was drooling over a photo of Jonathon Ross's wife in the paper yesterday saying how fab her boobs were.

He hides behind flippant comments.

I asked him again last night if he'll come on holiday with me and DD this summer. I've booked a week in Devon. He asked where we were going and how long for and then laughed and said "no, its too far and for too long". But he said it in a sort of joking way. Its his way of not discussing it. He'll be hoping I forget about it and don't ask him again so he doesn't have to come.

I don't think he'd come if he didn't want to. He'd just say no and probably would get fairly angry if I tried to insist. Not violent in any way but slamming round the house and refusing to talk to me, etc.

We did have DD very early on and she wasn't planned. I don't think I feel guilty for trapping him as it were because he knew I wasn't on the pill, so he took a risk the same as I did (one weekend we had no condoms and he said he's be careful). I'm sure that neither of us regrets DD being here though and I'm sure he loves her to bits.

Why not call his bluff with the holiday thing - if Devon is too far and for too long then ask him where he would consider close enough and short enough.

I know that in your position I would be picking a fight and hoping to bring things to a head. As you say, you are still young and you can't live like this for the next 40+ years.
I'm not saying that's what you should do, just that I know it would be my way of dealing with it.

Look it sounds very much as though he has no interest in a couple-relationship with you at all but is too lazy to do anything about ending it (he's quite happy to have his food cooked and his laundry done - oh, and his dick sucked now and again). I think you are going to have to say to him that you are unhappy, that things have to change (because htey do have to change. It's not OK for one partne to be content with the way things are if the other partner is feeling miserable). Ask him what he wants your lives to be like, and listen to what he says - but then over the next few weeks pay attention to what he does not what he has said (many lazy partners ie those who think that having got married they can just go on with their lives, being serviced by the other person, think that promising to change but not actually doing anything will shut the other person up for the time being).

I don't think I could face breaking up the family even if he didn't change. Though if things are still like this in 10 years time I may feel different. Maybe he's just waiting for me to say I've had enough and finish things. I think you're right and he probably doesn't love me - if he did then our relationship wouldn't be like this would it?

Another thing - he can be quite good sometimes at putting me down. Just little comments. I think its made me very defensive. So now if I do get a bit prickly he's like "I'm only joking, for god's sake get a sense of humour". He repeatedly tells me I don't have a sense of humour. Though with my friends I'm sort of known as the one with a good sense of humour.

And he often comes out with "for God's sake woman". DD has started repeating this and now uses "woman" at me as an insult. Which I'm really unhappy about. Both that she's insulting me and also that she now things its a derogatory term.

And I'm sure if I sat him and got him to read this thread he'd say I was making mountains out of molehills and need to get a sense of humour.

I have told him about the "woman" thing and it took quite a few times of explaining why he couldn't say it but he has stopped now. Though only because of DD, not due to any thought for my feelings I'm sure.

The more I think about this the more upset I get.

if you are willing to put up with anything for the sake of not breaking the family up, why are you posting at all?

are you wanting somebody to say it is alright for him to verbally insult you and with-hold sex ?

ok then, its alright

as you were

Not at all. I was looking for advice in how to try and sort things.

I'm taking on board a lot of things that have been said and I'm going to try over the next few days to get him to come for counselling and if he doesn't then I will go on my own.

That puts a whole other spin on it if he is actually being verbally abusive.
What does your DD gain from being in the same house as him - she could have one evening of homework supervision if you and she lived elsewhere.

She loves her dad and would be heartbroken if we split up.

things can only be sorted if he wants to

in the meantime, you saying you would never break the family up even if nothing changes just gives him carte blanche to keep the status quo, which you have clearly said you are not happy with

its all about him

what about you?

Its about DD as well as DH. A friend of mine split from her H 2 years ago for similar reasons and says now she wishes she'd just put up with the situation until her DD's were older as she thinks its screwed them up so much.

I have a job that involves shift work which I wouldn't be able to do if DH wasn't at home when I worked in the evenings. So would be scared about money, where we'd live, how we'd pay the bills, etc.

I can't imagine spending the rest of my life with anyone else.

Snard - I understand how difficult these situations are. I imagine what is happening for you now is that you are beginning the process of questioning certain things in your life which is a very good thing to do. You can make decisions along the way as you need to...whatever they may be.

My ex always told me that he didn't find me funny, and whenever he said or did anything that I would find upsetting or hurtful, he would tell me, "You're too sensitive" and "Where's your sense of humour?" Then I would question my reaction and second-guess myself. Truth is, I didn't have a sense of humour about his jokes because they weren't funny. They were aimed at demoralizing and belittling me and hurting my self-esteem. Putting you down probably makes your H feel bigger. That is not right and indicates there is a power imbalance in your relationship.

The fact of the matter is he is using his "humour" to disrespect you and belittle you...whether he realizes this or not. Good for you for standing up to him about the "woman" comment. The worst part about a comment like that your daughter may be mimicking his words now, but by the time she reaches her adulthood, she will have learned that that is how men are supposed to treat women. Do you not now suspect you have learned similarly from your own mother? How would you advise your daughter if she were married to a man who treated her like that?

I wouldn't rush ahead and think in terms of "breaking up the family". What you should do is exactly what you are doing...start the process of thinking for yourself and empowering yourself. As other women suggest, think of the life that you want to have, and ask yourself what it will take to achieve it.

sorry snard, I am being unfairly harsh to you, I tend to be very uncompromising in my comments where I see blokes acting like a twat

I have never had to live in this situation

I just see what sounds like a lovely lady compromising her own happiness to make some selfish dick feel like a big man

You will get much better advice from women who have lived it

Have you read the "emotional abuse" thread, there are many supportive ladies there

I will link it if you don't know it

AnyFucker - I found that thread yesterday, am working my way through it. DH can be lovely at times, every now and then when I feel I'm at the end of my tether we have a really nice day/evening/conversation and I'm just reminded of how things could be if he pulled his finger out more.

I'm sure its not just him as well, no doubt I can be a bitch at times. Though I think this is partly due to me getting increasingly pissed off with him. I've more or less stopped cooking dinner for him. He's vegetarian and I've always gone out my way to cook him vegi meals. Never any recognition of the fact I've cooked seperate meals, etc. And often goes uneaten anyway as he says its not nice enough.

You say that you are worried that it will damage your daughter to be brought up in a single parent family - what will it do to her to grow up knowing that her dad finds her and her mother's company too much of an ordeal to even go on holiday with them?

ok, so you don't want to break up the family or do anything that will have an adverse impact on your lives. At least not until you can't tolerate the situation any more. But, you have clearly begun the process of making yourself more independent which is very good. Go to your counselling, forget about the sex, don't take any of his crap and don't bother feeding him his veggie food, save some money and look around for a job you can do if you end up on your own with your daughter. If you find a way to work things out with him so much the better, if not then you will be in a better position to strike out alone rather than being stuck with him.

Hmm, I am wondering about the gay thing as well, now. Some gay men (very, very definitely not all and not even the majority) really dislike women and consider them inherently inferior to men. Some men who are gay but homophobic (or brought up among homophobic people) will get married in order to demonstrate that they are 'normal' but will treat their wives with sustained contempt and irritation and distance themselves as much as possible from the marriage while not actually wanting to leave it.
It will certainly do your daughter far more harm to be brought up in a house with a man who dislikes and despises women than it would to be brought up by a single parent.

Snard I am so sad for you . The more info you are sharing the worse your situation sounds.
How rude of him to reject the food you cook for him.
Although it would undoubtedly be an upheaval for you daughter if you and your husband did split, in the long term that must be better than growing up believing such a dysfunctional relationship to be normal.