DH seems totally uninterested in sex.

[Snardvark]

Its really getting me down. We certainly haven't made love this year, I think it could well be 12 months since we did.

We've been togetehr for 9 years and he was very keen for about the first year and since then its dwindled off. We have an 8 year old so its not like we have a small baby keeping us up all night. He does work fairly hard, but works from home two days a week and I don't think is stressed with work or anything.

The other thing (TMI alert, sorry), is for about the last 5 years he's seemed a lot keener on handjobs/ oral sex rather than penatrative sex. Although he will always return the favour as it were.

I just don't know what to do. I don't think I've let myself go at all. I said to him last night that I was going to bed early and was in the mood, etc and that I hoped he'd join me - he didn't. I've told him that I don't think we do it enough and that I'm upset and he just sort of laughs and changes the subject.

So I'm left thinking that he either doesn't fancy me anymore or he's having an affair.

I'm in my early 30s and feel quite pissed off at the thought of many years of marriage infront of me with such a lack of intimacy. He never tells me he loves me, kisses me, etc. I used to tell him I loved him but guess I don't anymore as got fed up with him never replying. I don't try and hold his hand when we're out anymore as he used to grimace when I took held it.

Agree with sgsb

I've not read relevant research in any great detail, but what i know is that parents splitting up is not what causes harm to children; it is HOW parents manage the separation.

i.e. do they allow the children to maintain a relationship with each parent or do they fight and belittle each other and make the child 'chose'?

Of course she will be sad, probably for a long time. She may always wish you'd get back together. But as long as you feel confident you could both handle the split reasonably well I don't think there is much of risk that she'll be 'damanged' to the extent it will compromise her ability to form loving relationships of her own when she grows up. What is potentially more worrying is what she learns about toxic relationships if you stay together.

I'm not suggesting you have to act as best mates if you split, but do you think you would be able to talk to each other in front of her in a friendly way, invite each other in for a coffee now and then, talk positively about each other to your daughter??