Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

dh, silly lies - so upset :(

72 replies

tooconfusedagain · 31/03/2009 08:30

This souinds so tivial but it forms but it forms part of a much bigger situation. dh and i havent' been getting on at all, we may split up.

A few weeks ago i found a note he's written to himself sating "night out 21st". he 'd agreed as part of trying to get things back on track to arnage for us to go out sometimes. Whe i asked him about the note a few weeks ago (he still hadn't arranged anything) he said he didn't know what note i was talkign about. I was tired and fed up so didn't bother going ot get it to show him. I was still a bit bothered about this note last nigh so mentione it again and he said hd DID remember the note and had never told me he didn't write it!! I was really upset & he got really angry and went out. We went ot bed seoarately and this morning he behaved like nothing had happened

I know if this was a one off, i should probably forget it but he's done this sort of stupied lying before. eg, saying he;'s filed soem things away when he hadn't. saying he hadn't opened some food when he had, - really stupid stuff which i#d could easily find out about .

he also lied when he said he's only ever ask ,e to marry hima nd wanted proposal to be special. he later told me when i quesationed him he's proposed to an old gf and his proposal was far from special.

As a result i have a great deal of trouble trusint anything he says. Am i beibg silly?

OP posts:
Original poster
tooconfusedagain · 31/03/2009 10:01

bump

OP posts:
whoisasking · 31/03/2009 10:03

I don't really understand what the problem is?

Original poster
tooconfusedagain · 31/03/2009 10:04

The problems is that he lies and it upsets and confuses me

OP posts:
MegBusset · 31/03/2009 10:05

Doesn't sound like the note thing was a lie -- just something he'd forgotten about.

There must be more to it than this...?

PottyCock · 31/03/2009 10:05

I do - why wouldn't you feel unnerved by your partner trying to confuse you and gain your trust by lying to you?

I would be pissed off too OP.

PottyCock · 31/03/2009 10:07

I have a pathological hatred of people who lie - even little lies. It creates a nasty power imbalance imo.

Original poster
tooconfusedagain · 31/03/2009 10:10

The thing that gets to me about th enote is not the initial conversation when he said he couldn't remember it. Its the conversation we had yestereday when he said he did remember it and told me that i was making up the fact that he's said a few weeks ago he'd forgotten about it. he got really angry, refused to talk about it anymore and went out

OP posts:
slayerette · 31/03/2009 10:10

I don't understand why the note he wrote to himself has caused such a huge falling-out. My DH frequently forgets conversations we've had or things he's said he'll do - but I'm not perfect either!

It sounds as if you are looking for things to use to cause an argument, TBH.

RealityIsMyOnlyChocolateEgg · 31/03/2009 10:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
tooconfusedagain · 31/03/2009 10:11

I hate lies too, whether big or small. I find it hard ot trust peoplke anyway but the lies make it impossible. Some of his lies are very strange though becuase it's obvious he'll get found out

OP posts:
warthog · 31/03/2009 10:14

i can understand how you feel. reality keeps swaying under your feet when he constantly changes the story with small lies. horrible.

Original poster
tooconfusedagain · 31/03/2009 10:15

That's interesting Reality. he is quite passive about things and it all comes out when angry. If he shouts, he says it's my fault for making him shout. he tries to ignore issues in our relationship. Last year when i said i might leave if things didn't improve and i arranged for us to go to counselling, he didn't take seriously at all that i might leave. Just refused to talk about it or really acknowledge it.

The sad thing is that yesterday i had decided to give out marriage bit bit longer rather than leaving (today is the day i said i'd try to decide by - dh knows this) but this latest incident has clouded things and now i don't know what to do

OP posts:
RealityIsMyOnlyChocolateEgg · 31/03/2009 10:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

PottyCock · 31/03/2009 10:17

I agree that this is designed to undermine you. It sounds very unpleasant.

Original poster
tooconfusedagain · 31/03/2009 10:18

He never brings up any issues, just reacts to what i say. he can be lovley i i know that part of me loves him but i feel so upset and confused when these things happen. He knows he has a terrible memory btw - event the counsellor noticed!

OP posts:
Original poster
tooconfusedagain · 31/03/2009 10:25

I know he's bad for me in alot of ways but i wish i didb't still have this love for him and i feel so attached to him (together 8 yeara nd have 3 yo ds). He just upsets me so much and then makes me feel stupid

OP posts:
PottyCock · 31/03/2009 10:43

I don't know what to suggest - are you still going to counselling? It's not fair to belittle you for being upset about this.

Original poster
tooconfusedagain · 31/03/2009 10:47

No, not going tot counselling anymore. We weren't trwally get naywhere. I went for a while on my own but i really need to decide it i want to stay with dh.

I just feel so confused - why lie about such silly things , esp the things he knows he'll get found out.

he also does things like agreeing to to things - hoovering, taking more excercise, many other things - and then doesn't do them?

OP posts:
PottyCock · 31/03/2009 10:51

No idea - just can't be arsed maybe? Only you know what's going on here....does he feel hassled by you to do more housework, exercise more etc? What's his relationship with his parents like? Is he acting out like some sort of teenager? It sounds pretty brattish - are there issues from childhood he's latently rebelling against?

No idea. I would hate the lying though, I consider that a fundamental breach of trust that is on some level designed to gain a power advantage over you by keeping you confused and uninformed.

Original poster
tooconfusedagain · 31/03/2009 10:55

he doesn't do much housework. He does his own ironing and part of the hoovering when i remind him - eventually. He does some of the washing and putting away. I do the rest, which i dont' mind at all

OP posts:
solidgoldbrass · 31/03/2009 10:56

Sorry but this is a fairly classic abuse pattern, designed to make you feel like your judgement is skewed and you can't trust yourself. It's sometimes called gaslighting (this article isn;t the greatest but is the first one I found).
The key thing is that your partner's behaviour is deliberate and he is doing it to gain power over you. This is why Relate, etc won't work, couple-counselling never works in abuse situations because the basis of couple-counselling is that both partners have to take some responsibility for the problem between them - in an abuse situation the problem is the abuse and the answer is for the abuser to STOP IT.

PottyCock · 31/03/2009 10:58

Thank you - I knew there was a proper term for it.

notsoclever · 31/03/2009 11:08

Poor you Tooconfused, you do sound upset, and if as you say you have a hatred of lying, then something like this is going to make you feel very worried and confused.

I wonder though whether he intends to lie? Do you think he is deliberately setting out to confuse and undermine you? Or perhaps he is simply immature in how he deals with things. Perhaps he does not like confrontation and takes what feels like the "line of least resistance" and agrees with suggestions to avoid a discussion that he anticipates as being unpleasant. It's not unlike how children behave at times - even though they know they will get caught out.

Perhaps you don't know the answer to those questions, but maybe thinking about them will help you decide what to do. If you think he is deliberately setting out to confuse and undermine you then you do need to take drastic action for your own sake.

If however, you think it is not deliberate, then maybe there are ways that you can help him to develop some better habits about keeping commitments (and help him not to lie to you in the process). For example if he says he will do more hoovering, can you agree with him what and when? e.g. Hoover the bedroom on Tuesday between 5pm and 6pm. Then at that time, remind/encourage him gently e.g. "perhaps if you are going to do the hoovering now, I could do some ironing at the same time".

Whatever, I do think that counselling can help you to think through what action you want to take.

Original poster
tooconfusedagain · 31/03/2009 11:17

I think he is immature in how he deals with things and yes, he hates confrontation so the "least line of resistance" is what he does.

However we have tried counselling both together and individually. He won't/can't change unfortuantley.

OP posts:
Original poster
tooconfusedagain · 31/03/2009 11:35

Trouble is i 'm not sure i can cope with it anymore

OP posts: