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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

dh, silly lies - so upset :(

72 replies

tooconfusedagain · 31/03/2009 08:30

This souinds so tivial but it forms but it forms part of a much bigger situation. dh and i havent' been getting on at all, we may split up.

A few weeks ago i found a note he's written to himself sating "night out 21st". he 'd agreed as part of trying to get things back on track to arnage for us to go out sometimes. Whe i asked him about the note a few weeks ago (he still hadn't arranged anything) he said he didn't know what note i was talkign about. I was tired and fed up so didn't bother going ot get it to show him. I was still a bit bothered about this note last nigh so mentione it again and he said hd DID remember the note and had never told me he didn't write it!! I was really upset & he got really angry and went out. We went ot bed seoarately and this morning he behaved like nothing had happened

I know if this was a one off, i should probably forget it but he's done this sort of stupied lying before. eg, saying he;'s filed soem things away when he hadn't. saying he hadn't opened some food when he had, - really stupid stuff which i#d could easily find out about .

he also lied when he said he's only ever ask ,e to marry hima nd wanted proposal to be special. he later told me when i quesationed him he's proposed to an old gf and his proposal was far from special.

As a result i have a great deal of trouble trusint anything he says. Am i beibg silly?

OP posts:

beanieb · 01/04/2009 11:50

ok - but from what you said, he's not lied. He's just forgot. He didn't remember or know what note you were talking about, then when you reminded him later he remembered but says he didn't forget writing it before - just sounds like he couldn't work out what you were talking about.

I think you're making an awfully big deal out of it TBH and to keep badgering him about it seems a bit much, unless you think he was planning a night out without you and trying to keep it a secret?

GettingaGrip · 01/04/2009 12:34

liars

Please read this.

And this abuse cycle

You said in an earlier post....i made a meal for us and felt that I had to make one for him....

Why? What would have happened if you had not made a meal for him?

You sound as though you are living your life trying not to annoy him.

He is playing games with your head.

Beanieb....it is NOT about a note...its about something much more serious than that!

HTH

And PS...I said that my ex has NPD which can involve telling lies for no reason whatsoever...but mnay other personality disorders involve telling lies...about stupid little things like notes!!!!!

GettingaGrip · 01/04/2009 12:43

What he is doing is minimising his lies.

They don't bother him so why are you bothered?

Of course they don't bother him!!!!

He has you going insane with thinking it is your own memory, or version of events that is srong...when in fact , as you found when you spoke to your friend, he is the one with the alternative reality, which he is using to scramble your brain.

He has everything he needs/wants....and someone to make sure he is fed/ watered, whilst thinking she is causing the whole nightmare.

As has been stated already...if you just shut the f**k up and let him carry on as he wishes than everythng would be lovely....

except of course...it won't!!!!! because he will always find something else to start doing to undermine you and your mental health.

Original poster

tooconfusedagain · 01/04/2009 12:44

I don't know what would happen if i hadn't made his dinner. I supposed it worried that he's be upset if i didn't as i always make dinner for both of us. A bit upsetting he eat it, didn't even say thanks and left his dirty plate etc

I really don't know whether to give this relationship longer. I do still feel love for him, i think or maybe it';s just fear of the unknown.

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Original poster

tooconfusedagain · 01/04/2009 12:48

Do you really think it's that bad? He can be lovely. Thsi is a summary of what he's like:

Bad - temper, lies, memory, apathy, shifting blame,"i'll be nice ot you, if you're ncie to me" attitude, not very socialble, doesn't seem to have much conscience

Good - unselfish materially, gets up ealry with ds, doesn't moan

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Original poster

tooconfusedagain · 01/04/2009 12:49

Thiunk you're right, if i don;t complain he has all he needs - house, son, food made, etc

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frankie3 · 01/04/2009 12:57

Sounds like my DH - he lies about money, he hid loads of big debts from we when we moved in together,also I found out on his facebook page that he has been messaging an old girlfriend. I don't want to confront him about this as he will then know that I know his password and have been checking up on him.

I guess this is the problem - the lies lead to a lack of trust that never comes back.

GettingaGrip · 01/04/2009 13:00

personality disorders, courtesy of The Royal College of Psychiatrists

Original poster

tooconfusedagain · 01/04/2009 13:10

have read it but not sure which if any dh falls into

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GettingaGrip · 01/04/2009 13:21

Well the problem with these things is that they are not set in stone. These disorders are on a 'spectrum' or a continuum.

People do not just fit in a box. Also people can have more than one disorder at a time!

The point here is really that he may or may not have a PD, you will probably never know for sure...but what is important is that you are feeling bad about this and he doesn't care.

Why he is doing it is something you may never know.

You have tried to address it with him and he shouts and walks out....he is not prepared
to admit he MAY be wrong...

If he knows he has a 'bad memory', then why does he not just say 'oh well its my darn memory playing up again'.

Original poster

tooconfusedagain · 01/04/2009 13:23

No , I won't ever know and i guess it doesn't matter really,

You're right, if he just admitted it was his memory again instead of getting so angry and telling me i dreamt the original converation, I'd have just let it go.

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Original poster

tooconfusedagain · 01/04/2009 13:24

He said he didn't admit anything becuase i said he was lying - but this was only after he got angry, accused me of dreaming it all, etc

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Bink · 01/04/2009 13:31

I have a dh with a very bad memory, and it causes us problems too. However I wouldn't class his bad recollections as "lies" - are you sure yours is actually lying? - to lie you need to know what the truth is and then purposefully say something different.

For comparison - my dh would most definitely make the sort of mistake over the note that yours did; and I can't count the number of times he's finished off some bit of food without registering he's done it - our children even have a name for those spooky disappearances of cheese, etc. ... "The Daddy's Curse"

but I am absolutely sure that lying on purpose he wouldn't do. (Quite confident about that - I've known him all my life and I've never found him out deliberately not telling/hiding the truth.)

So point 1 is, are you sure these are really lies?

And point 2 is - we have the same argument as you about its being is a genuine problem, these bad recollections. And that, as a grown-up, it is his job not just to acknowledge that he has a bad memory, but to make sure he protects others from the fallout. As a practical matter, our system here is just Write Everything Down - we make plans by email rather than phone, for example. And if he wants something on the diary HE writes it, in HIS OWN WRITING.

But I sympathise - it has been a bit uphill to make my perfectly nice, and non-malicious, dh really accept that his bad memory = (as night follows day) problems for others.

Original poster

tooconfusedagain · 01/04/2009 13:34

Trouble is he had told me lie before, not just cases of forgetting. He's made it quite clear as his memory isn't a problem for him it shouldn't be for anyone else

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Original poster

tooconfusedagain · 01/04/2009 20:20

I don't now what to do. we've hardly spoken since he got home 2.5 hours ago. When i came in to wathc tv, he said he'd put it on a channel he thought i' like - so he's not all bad

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Original poster

tooconfusedagain · 02/04/2009 10:28

well things are still bad. Made an attempt last night to try to talk in the hope we could clear the air. he just got angry again and thought that was ok as i'd called him a liar. That is how it seemed and he has lied before. He just went off to bed and left this morning without speakign to me.

As he won't listen if i talk i have sent him a text apoplogising for upsetting him for sayng he was lying. Told him this is how it appeared. Also said it wasn;t fair that he made me question things are know are true by distorting events to fit in with his lack of recollection. Told him his memory isn't just a problem for him

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frazzledgirl · 02/04/2009 11:03

This is a hard one to call. I know people bring their different experiences to these posts and obviously I respect any experience in areas I don't have, but I just didn't pick up anything abusive in your early posts - just a man with a terrible memory and a poor way of dealing with it.

So I could well be wrong about that, but if I'm not, 'lying' is a very loaded word if he has truly forgotten things. I'd be angry if I were constantly accused of being a liar when I was being forgetful.

If he's a logical man, then the suggestions about writing things down somewhere you can both see - made in a non-judgmental way - might work. That's something you could work on together, as you'd be checking the board and putting your own stuff down.

If he's not, and is in fact abusive, then you shouldn't stay.

beanieb · 02/04/2009 11:11

So long as you keep bringing it up then the arguments will continue. Can you let it go?

Original poster

tooconfusedagain · 02/04/2009 11:40

Probaly best to let it go as dh and i aren't getting anywhere discussing it.

Still feel so sad thought and wish i knew what to do for the best. I can't live the rest of my life never challenging dh and if i do then feeling like this for days afterwards

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frazzledgirl · 02/04/2009 11:51

Can't you draw a line under it, get a great big calendar/diary similar to act as your house 'memory', and start again?

If it truly isn't his fault - just the way he is - then that might help.

GettingaGrip · 02/04/2009 12:29

One or two things you could think about....

Is he like this with everyone? Does he work? How does his 'bad memory' affect his everyday interactions with other people? For example his family or his friends?

I think you have to put this one down to experience and start again with your observations.

Perhaps if the same thing happens again soon, try and use different language to tackle him about it.

I am NOT suggesting giving in to him or never challenging him...what I am suggesting is being a bit clever, and trying to get straight in your own mind what is happening here.

Look out for examples from now on, write down exactly what he says/does about them...tell your friend or whatever as a record. Be more subtle about your challenges and see what transpires.

Not ideal in a supposed equal relationship I know.... but I think you have to get to the bottom of this one way or another.

Just some ideas anyway!

xxx

Original poster

tooconfusedagain · 02/04/2009 12:39

At work he writes things down - people d comment on his bad memory though. he's in a very senior postion so it's not much of a problem.

he doesn't have any friends and the only other people he speaks to outsie work are his mum and dad, and that's not often.

I think things may be over though, not just because of this episode

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