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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

dh, silly lies - so upset :(

72 replies

tooconfusedagain · 31/03/2009 08:30

This souinds so tivial but it forms but it forms part of a much bigger situation. dh and i havent' been getting on at all, we may split up.

A few weeks ago i found a note he's written to himself sating "night out 21st". he 'd agreed as part of trying to get things back on track to arnage for us to go out sometimes. Whe i asked him about the note a few weeks ago (he still hadn't arranged anything) he said he didn't know what note i was talkign about. I was tired and fed up so didn't bother going ot get it to show him. I was still a bit bothered about this note last nigh so mentione it again and he said hd DID remember the note and had never told me he didn't write it!! I was really upset & he got really angry and went out. We went ot bed seoarately and this morning he behaved like nothing had happened

I know if this was a one off, i should probably forget it but he's done this sort of stupied lying before. eg, saying he;'s filed soem things away when he hadn't. saying he hadn't opened some food when he had, - really stupid stuff which i#d could easily find out about .

he also lied when he said he's only ever ask ,e to marry hima nd wanted proposal to be special. he later told me when i quesationed him he's proposed to an old gf and his proposal was far from special.

As a result i have a great deal of trouble trusint anything he says. Am i beibg silly?

OP posts:
Jux · 31/03/2009 11:55

Don't cope with it any more. I've just read a lot of that link. It is utterly soul destroying and you will end up questioning your judgement on everything, and even feel that you are the wrong person to be bringing up your child. Please do not let it get to that stage.

You had almost decided to go. Stick with that. Don't let him continue to have this power over you. Get yourself back on track with who you are and what you know and what is right. You can worry about him another time, when you are confident and yourself again. The future can hold gold for you; reach out and take it.

solidgoldbrass · 31/03/2009 12:15

He won't change because he doesn't want to. He thinks that by lying to you and then apologising when caught out, he can carry on doing what he wants, because basically he is the important one in the relatinship and you are just a 'woman'.

Original poster
tooconfusedagain · 31/03/2009 12:28

it's strange becuase he doesn't seem to think of me as "just a woman" and he can be very lovely. Howeverhe has made me wonder about the note ( am seeing a friend later who i told about him denying he's written it) will be intersting to see what she remembers of what i said!

Part of me loves him. Counsellor said we could get on well together if i don't challenge him and i accept him as he is - but she wasn't sure i could or should do that

OP posts:
Original poster
tooconfusedagain · 31/03/2009 17:14

I told my friend about what happened this afternoon - she clearly remembers me telling her a few weeks ago about dh saying he didn't know what note i was talking about. Don't know what to say to dh when he gets home

OP posts:
ridingjoker · 31/03/2009 17:38

i've been on the receiving end of this stupid sort of lying.

it used to drive me up the wall. and then it would get to the point where he had my own family believing i was suffering some sort of PND and making all this stuff up.

but it would be really ridiculous stuff like he would tell me he went to x's house. and i would later find out he would be at work or y's house.

neither of which would upset me as just male friends or work. but when i would find out and challenge him he would say i had imagined him ever telling me he was at x's house.

and even crazy lies....like did you finish the milk?......ex respone: no

so what did the fairies drink it??

ex respone: no you must have and forgot about it.?eh wtf??

if op's dh lies are similar to this(think you mentionned something about lying about opening food) then you have a bit of a problem here.

not sure how you fix it. i had to end the relationship to get out of it.

but if your dh is lovely in every other aspect. perhaps he needs to see a counsellor on his own to establish why he does it?

Original poster
tooconfusedagain · 31/03/2009 19:50

Unfortunatley he's not lovley in every other ways! We have serious communication problesm and his anger and refusal to discuss things is a problem. Many, many other things

I asked him after ds had gone to bed if rememered any more. he got really angry again and said i was picking on one little thing to detroy things. I told him he'd lied all thorugh our marriage - he shouted in my face and has now gone out

OP posts:
solidgoldbrass · 31/03/2009 21:08

FFS tooconfused, you need to get rid of this man. He's horrible and may well become dangerous (he has no respect for you, doesn;t think you are a person and feels entitled to manipulate, control and punish you).
Let me reinterpret for you what the counsellor said: Your partner is an abuser. He will be nice to you only if you obey and submit to him in every way. But you shouldn't have to do that.
Couple-counselling DOESN'T WORK when one partner is abusive, and that's what s.he was telling you.

Nabster · 31/03/2009 21:14

just from reading your OP he didn't say he hadn't written it, from what you said.

beanieb · 31/03/2009 21:38

Hiya

are you the person who's husband took them on holiday to a place where he said he'd not been with a precious girlfriend but then you discovered that he had actually taken someone there before?

GettingaGrip · 31/03/2009 22:45

My ex-H was/is like this.

He lies about everything....every single thing that comes out of his mouth is a lie.

I had over 20 years of this mind-fuck, crazy-making, pointless behaviour.

It destroys your head, and is very, very difficult to describe to anyone who has not experienced it.

My ex-H has NPD though, along with his entire family.

You may find your partner here, if you look closely enough! The above link is not brilliant, but the bit about lying is quite good.

Agree with solid gold though...it is abuse, and it does sound like he has some sort of personality disorder, in which case, he will never change. And you will go insane, like I did.

xxxx

Original poster
tooconfusedagain · 01/04/2009 08:56

TTanks for your replies. It got worse last night. After he'd put ds to bed, he tried to act like nothing had happened again by asking about my day. I told him. A few minutes later i asked him if he's thought any more about our conversation yestereday and if it had become clearer.

He got angry again. He said he did remember the note when i mentioned it yesterday but didn't when i mentioned it a few weeks ago. he said the note was so trivial he didn't remember writing it when i asked about it a few weeks ago. He told me i was ruining everything by picking on silly things. he got very angry and went out again.

In the meantime i made dinner (and for him as i was a bit worried not to make his too). He came back after i'd eaten mine. After a while i told himi found his apparent lack of memory very worrying anfd didn't know what to believe - either he really had forgotten aor he was lying. he got angry again and said i was accusing him or lying. he eat his dinner but didn't even sat thank you to me for making it and left his dirty plates etc for me to wash - doesn that all the time even if i've already washed up .

His memory is dreadful egs are : i had a dentist appt booked for some horribel treatment, in the morning he wished me well, by the eve he'd forgotten to mention it even tho we watching a programme about dentists!, ds was ill a while ago and couldn't eat dairy stuff for a few days. he forgot next morning even tho he's been to shop night b4 to buy suitable food for him, i told him some of ds's wellies were tooo small,next day he put ds in them for nursery, the list goes on!!

I'm feeling so sad and do feel like it's all my fault. We did get very angry witheachother last night, both shouting and he told me i was an argumentative cow. he believes that his memory isn't his problem, it's just a problem because i make it so and i should make allowances for him. He left without saying anything to me this morning. I feel so saf and guilty. I was supposed to decide yesterday whether to stay with him, but still can't bring myself to leave, i dont; think

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/04/2009 09:12

I think you need to take heed of what people like Gettingagrip has written. It is not you fault that he is like this; he has chosen to act this way. BTW as well many abusers are completely plausible to those in the outside world.

Do you feel if you leave him you have "failed". You haven't failed him, he has failed his own self.

This man is bad news for both you and your son; children pick up on all this and learn from you both. What are you both teaching him about relationships here?.

Couple counselling won;t work at all if one party is abusive (like your H is for instance). I note as well the counsellor said you could get along okay if you did not challenge him - he has again said as much to you yesterday.

I personally think his supposed memory lapses are deliberate and designed to undermine you as a person as well as damaging your own sense of judgment. He sees you as a non-person, not important enough. He will not change, you cannot make him change nor should you try to. He will drag you (and your child) down with him.

Original poster
tooconfusedagain · 01/04/2009 09:18

Beanieb - not i'm not the person who went on holiday.

I'm sure he dousn#t have NPD.

I think he has a terrible memory and lies to get out things and would rather make me doubt myself than admit the truth

It all seems so sad, i was planning on telling him yesterday (b4 al this blew up ) that i'd like ot give things a bit longer and both make a huge effort. Maybe it's better this happened now, I don;t know.

I really am starting to blame myself for it all

OP posts:
Original poster
tooconfusedagain · 01/04/2009 09:20

Thanks ATM. I find it so hard to believe he could be abusive. He says he wants me to be happy and when i'm happy so is he. He's happy for me to lie in at the weekedn and gets up with ds even when he's tired and make me a lovley breakfast for mothers day. Surely he can't be an abuser?

OP posts:
theDreadPirateRabbit · 01/04/2009 09:29

Maybe he isn't - maybe he's incredibly sensitive and embarassed about his bad memory, and lashes out when he's reminded of it.

But he shouldn't be lashing out, he should be trying to do something about it. Do you ever not feel safe when he's in the house? Do you walk on eggshells so as not to upset him?

You say he can be lovely, but that he's not lovely about everything else. Maybe you should list out what he's lovely with, and what he's horrible with. Talk it over with a friend?

And how do your DCs feel about it? Are they imitating his attitudes at all? Are they comfortable around him all of the time?

Original poster
tooconfusedagain · 01/04/2009 09:36

Think you're probably right Rabbit.I've tried doing lists many times.

Ds is unaware of what's going on as he's so young (nearly 3)

His anger does frighten me sometimes and i do avoidn talking about some things in order that he can't throw them back at me in anger

OP posts:
theDreadPirateRabbit · 01/04/2009 09:51

Can you imagine a scenario in which you would be happy and fulfilled in this relationship? Can you close your eyes and picture your husband behaving in such a way that you retain your self-confidence and your trust in him. Because if not, if it's too much of a stretch, then you need to leave anyway, abuse or not.

Original poster
tooconfusedagain · 01/04/2009 10:11

Basically i think the counsellor is right - it i don;t challenge him, we'll be ok

OP posts:
theDreadPirateRabbit · 01/04/2009 10:16

But that would mean you'd have another child to look after, rather than a partner you can look to. Is it really worth it?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/04/2009 10:28

"Basically i think the counsellor is right - it i don;t challenge him, we'll be ok"

That's no life for you though is it?. These situations are more often than not about wanting power and control over the other person. And even if you don't challenge him there is no guarantee that his behaviour towards you will change for the better. Blaming yourself for it all is not right at all. It is not your fault that he is like this. You are only responsible for your own self and your son ultimately.

Imagine this is another poster writing instead of you, what would your advice be to that person?.

Do not kid yourself either that your son is completely unaware - he is very young but children are perceptive as to tensions and become increasingly so as they get older.

Abusers can be nice sometimes - if they were awful all the time then the partner would run a mile. What he is doing is part of the cycle of abuse - he'll be nice for a short time but then revert back to his usual pattern (because they cannot keep up the nice charade).

Original poster
tooconfusedagain · 01/04/2009 10:47

If i don't challenge him we won't argue. He never starts an argument. His anger comes out when we argue. So maybe it is all my fault an i should just accept he has a bad memory and will lie sometimes? Trouble is it upsets me and destroys trust

OP posts:
theDreadPirateRabbits · 01/04/2009 10:57

Nope - you shouldn't have to accept that - not if you're in an adult relationship. Is he prepared to do anything about his memory? Exercises, brain-training whatever? Does he make an effort?

Original poster
tooconfusedagain · 01/04/2009 11:40

No he's not preared to do anything. he syas it's always been bad and it's not a problem for him only for me

OP posts:
beanieb · 01/04/2009 11:42

why does the note upset you so much?
What is it you think he is hiding?

Original poster
tooconfusedagain · 01/04/2009 11:47

It's not the note that upsets me. it's the lies/forgetting/anger

OP posts: