Brokenhearted and trying to save our marriage...

[LuJay]

Here's summary of what has happened over the last year or so... I have told absolutely NOBODY about this so this is quite difficult for me, but here goes...
We have always had a close relationship and i have always trusted DH fully and absolutely. When we married i was so happy that i had found someone who i believed would never ever stray as this was way outside his moral beliefs and values. He is a kind caring man and i just never believed he had it in him to cheat, especially since he has always worshiped the ground i walked on so to speak. Anyway, early last year i began to notice a marked change in his behaviour and became suspicious that he may be having an affair. So i started making note of secret conversations he was having on the phone and to cut a long story short, found out that he had been having a telephone relationship with another woman. Well i was devastated and confronted him about it and he denied there was anything in it except that he was flattered that this attractive (also married) young woman would be interersted in him and admitted that he was attracted to her but that nothing had happened and it was mainly a phone thing because he found it easy to talk to her. This shattered me even further to think that he found it easier to talk to her than to me, his own wife. At that time we had a young baby and a toddler and i knew i had been neglecting him emotionally while caring for our kids - it is so easy for the children to take over and before you know it you haven't been intimate in a month. So i accepted my share of responsibility. Anyway, things were ok for a few more months but i was still noticing some strange behaviour around phone use. Anyway, then i busted him after he went on a short trip with her and my world fell apart. I was on the verge of leaving him but we worked through it and i decided to stay and give our marriage a chance to heal for both myself, DH and of course our 2 beautiful children. DH promised me that they did not have sex, but that he wanted to although he wasn't sure whether he would have actually gone through with it once in the situation. Apparently she was also struggling with it since she also still loves her husband and so for those reasons on both sides, they never consumated the 'friendship'. Even if i convince myself that nothing 'actually' happened, the fact that he wanted it to hurt me more deeply than i can even explain. He has always been my world, the love of my life. Then late last year i found out that they were still in contact via sms and all hell broke loose again. I was ready to leave if for nothing else than to give him a taste of what a broken home would be like. He swears that the only reason he has remained in contact with this woman was to try to keep her calm so that she wouldn't lose it and tell her husband out of guilt which would only complicate things further. Anyway, he promised that he would not talk to her or sms her again and that if she called, he would not answer her calls and he would tell me about it. Anyway, 2 weeks ago i randomly listened to his voicemail and she had left him a message on there. There was nothing untoward about the message, it was very short and basically just said that someone had called and she wondered if it was him as it came from a private number. My trouble is that he didn't tell me about the message as he had promised and i was already having so much trouble trying to trust him again. He said he just didn't want to open a can or worms again and that he didn't tell me because he didn't want to bring the whole thing back up again for no reason. He said he did not return the call and that the fact that she left a message should reassure me because he does not answer her calls. Any thoughts from anyone who has been in a similar situation?

eek, i will hapily read if you put into paragraphs, that text is making my dizzy just looking at it

and i will hapily happily spell correctly too

sorry, about that, take two....
Here's summary of what has happened over the last year or so... I have told absolutely NOBODY about this so this is quite difficult for me, but here goes...

We have always had a close relationship and i have always trusted DH fully and absolutely. When we married i was so happy that i had found someone who i believed would never ever stray as this was way outside his moral beliefs and values. He is a kind caring man and i just never believed he had it in him to cheat, especially since he has always worshiped the ground i walked on so to speak.

Anyway, early last year i began to notice a marked change in his behaviour and became suspicious that he may be having an affair. So i started making note of secret conversations he was having on the phone and to cut a long story short, found out that he had been having a telephone relationship with another woman. Well i was devastated and confronted him about it and he denied there was anything in it except that he was flattered that this attractive (also married) young woman would be interersted in him and admitted that he was attracted to her but that nothing had happened and it was mainly a phone thing because he found it easy to talk to her. This shattered me even further to think that he found it easier to talk to her than to me, his own wife. At that time we had a young baby and a toddler and i knew i had been neglecting him emotionally while caring for our kids - it is so easy for the children to take over and before you know it you haven't been intimate in a month. So i accepted my share of responsibility.

Things were ok for a few more months but i was still noticing some strange behaviour around phone use.

Then i busted him after he went on a short trip with her and my world fell apart. I was on the verge of leaving him but we worked through it and i decided to stay and give our marriage a chance to heal for both myself, DH and of course our 2 beautiful children. DH promised me that they did not have sex, but that he wanted to although he wasn't sure whether he would have actually gone through with it once in the situation. Apparently she was also struggling with it since she also still loves her husband and so for those reasons on both sides, they never consumated the 'friendship'. Even if i convince myself that nothing 'actually' happened, the fact that he wanted it to hurt me more deeply than i can even explain. He has always been my world, the love of my life.

Then late last year i found out that they were still in contact via sms and all hell broke loose again. I was ready to leave if for nothing else than to give him a taste of what a broken home would be like. He swears that the only reason he has remained in contact with this woman was to try to keep her calm so that she wouldn't lose it and tell her husband out of guilt which would only complicate things further. Anyway, he promised that he would not talk to her or sms her again and that if she called, he would not answer her calls and he would tell me about it. Anyway, 2 weeks ago i randomly listened to his voicemail and she had left him a message on there. There was nothing untoward about the message, it was very short and basically just said that someone had called and she wondered if it was him as it came from a private number. My trouble is that he didn't tell me about the message as he had promised and i was already having so much trouble trying to trust him again. He said he just didn't want to open a can or worms again and that he didn't tell me because he didn't want to bring the whole thing back up again for no reason. He said he did not return the call and that the fact that she left a message should reassure me because he does not answer her calls.

Any thoughts from anyone who has been in a similar situation?

I don't know if it is just my suspicious mind, because i have been cheated on a few times, but if she is leaving messages then he has obviously not stopped speaking to her imo, otherwise why would she be calling him???

I am sorry you are in this situation, maybe you need to have counselling as a couple?

I don't have much advice, i was never able to prove i was being cheated on until after the relationship was over so i can't help with that.

I would say that you would benefit from some time apart, so he can see what he will miss, and see that the grass is not greener.

[hugs] to you

Yes, that was what i was affraid of. I told him that he is obviously not giving her the message that she is not to call. but he says he can't say it directly as she will be suspicious that i know something and then there is a risk of her husband finding out as then she may want to get in and tell him first and then he may be bashing down our door and bringing more problems here. That is my Dhs reason for trying to end the contact more subtly than to tell her to FO! My heart believes him, but it has been so broken to pieces by this that i just don't know what to believe anymore.

oh dear, poor you. This sounds a complete nightmare situation.

I agreee with msspent that you probably could do with some time apart. He needs a reality check. How many times are you going to give him the benefit of doubt and carry on. It sounds like he can have his cake and eat it all the while you are willing to give it another go.

I am sure that when he has time to reflect on what he is about to lose, maybe for another woman (does she have kids?) (even beter if she has as he would be taking on hers which would seriously piss him off in the long run, as he is not with his own), he will be scurrying back tail between his legs and then you can begin to rebuild the solid marriage you originally had. Hope things work out.

Thank you so much for your support. I have been living this nightmare for almost a year and i can't even put in to words the level of my heartbreak. Until now i have had nobody to talk to about this as i don't believe in talking to people outside my marriage about problems within it, but having said that, i really needed to let it out and these boards may just be the perfect place to do that as i can come here and talk to real people without anyone knowing who we are. Thanks again, your support is appreciated more than you know.

I'm sorry to hear you are so sad. The fact he sounds such a nice man makes him a magnet for other women. I suggest you call this woman yourself and meet her if you can. Then discuss not seeing your husband. If you think this is impossible, be brave and do it. My sis in law had the same thing happen to her, my brother was hooked on this woman at work. She plucked up the courage to meet her and since then bro has changed jobs and back together w my sister in law.

So let's get this straight...

He's persistently flirted with someone at work who is also married

He's been on a works do with her but didn't do anything physical

He's been texting her

She left a voicemail for him

It sounds like a fullblown crush/emotional not physical thing. However IME most of these sort of things just die a natural death - and sometime down the line he'll be embarrassed to even bump into each her at work.

Sounds more like a fantasy relationship than a real one.

TBh the strong reaction you have had to him NOT having an fullblown affair makes me believe the bit about not telling you because he didn't want to open a can of worms and start it all again!

Head off and find some relationship counselling (Relate?) even if you don't both go just for you would be good.

If you are prepared to end your marriage over an emotional affair and be desperately hurt that he wanted to sleep with someone else (IMO married men want to sleep with lots of other people - and so do married women - they just don't do it! And he didn't.) then counselling may help you investigate where the stength of these feelings comes from.

The bottom line is that every time he has chosen you - even when the option to stray came along. That is much more committment than many men can ever offer their partners.

I do hope you both get to sort this out and the trust returns - eventually.

I hate that feeling that there is another woman who my husband feels is more of a friend to talk to about relationship things than me.... especially when she then repeats them around and about. Being given relationship advice by people who you don't know, beyond a casual Hi, on new years eve is devestating.

If it bugs you let him know. It isn't your fault if she tells her husband - her problem not yours. I would insist that he stops all contact at all. That way your can then begin building up the trust again.

Apart from going to Relate, I disagree with gagarin's post, I think you have good reason to be suspicious of him. Is this woman a work colleague? Was the trip away a work trip or purely for leisure?

I would keep an eye on any further phone contact etc - the message that was left was ambiguous - as it's just not clear whether she is just making a pretext to contact him, rather than that they are in regular contact again.

he has to change his number, insist on this, then if it ever happens again you can kick his arse out to the street as he would be lying.

tell him if it happens again, you will find out who this lady is and tell her husband.

dont be frightened to play tough.

at my DW's work, one of the DW of a colleague found out he was having an affair with a women in the same workplace as him, logged into his work email from home and sent a scathing email to the whole place.

oh and to make matters worse the DH of the pther party also worked there, and found out by email that his DW was cheating with a colleague.

basically if people are gonna be gits, and play with fire, dont come crying when fingers get burnt.

He is emotionally blackmailing you aswell by telling you 'might' happen re: ow dh scenario. No one can tell what 'might' happen in the future.
He needs to delete her number from his phone. Don't know if she is a work colleague but I know how difficult that is to deal with. It feels as though she has all the power, so to speak. I f you both want this relationship to work you need to invest in each other more, put each other first, go out with each other, can he move jobs, office, NOT go on work things which involves her. ??? He needs to do more imo
Good luck

I dont understand why it is so important that the other woman does not know that YOU know? Why on earth is your husband putting HER sensitivities before yours?

So it is ok for you to know that your husband has so little respect for you and your family that he is jeopardizing it all for some crush at work, but SHE must not know that his wife knows?

This will keep happening to you, because you let him. You are so nice, so kindhearted, and you love him so much, and you are so willing to put it behind you and work through it.

But he hasnt worked through it. He has just sat on the sidelines and waited till you have calmed down, then he is back in touch with her again.

Until HE is also willing to give her up, you will not progress in your marriage. Or you can accept you will have to share him.

You have to take charge here. No more understanding. You have to tell him

"RIGHT this is it. No more or I will kick your sorry arse out of the house, I will confront your floozy and tell her husband"

or something to that effect.

I think Relate would be a really good idea, as it sounds like your relationship has shifted on its power axis since you had your children.

You are - rightly - immersed in caring for your children; your DH is missing the carefree woman he married.

You both need to look at how your relationship has developed and work out how to reinvent the couple that you were, notwithstanding that there are now children involved.

Sorry you are so hurt.

(Oh, and I agree that he must completely cut off contact with this woman. Her threats to him are just that - threats. You already know about her, so how much more can she harm you?)

I agree with QS. At the moment your husband is having everything his own way. You are working hard to re-build your relationship and he is continuing to be, at best, economical with the truth.

It is time for you to draw a very strong line and tell him exactly what you want to happen - none of this pussyfooting around the ow's sensibilities.

If he is serious about your marriage he will do what you ask. After all, this is a mess of his making.

Hope it works out for you.

... and you are the one doing all the work in this relationship, your DH is doing none of it.

You need to make it clear that this is unacceptable and that he has to give you and your relationship more respect.

He needs to grow up and take his family responsibilities seriously.

hiya.

something about this doesn't add up "but he says he can't say it directly as she will be suspicious that i know something and then there is a risk of her husband finding out as then she may want to get in and tell him first and then he may be bashing down our door and bringing more problems here."

what you are saying is that he actually hasn't told her not to call at all.

yup, beanie is right.

He hasnt told her. He is continuing his flirtation with her, because he does not want the other woman to be suspicious and think you know.

While YOU sit here knowing that he is attracted to her, wanted to shag her, and that he works with her.

And you have accepted that. You have agreed to that. If I were you I would just find her number off your husbnds phone and tell her to back off, or you will tell her husband. And how will she feel about being officially named as the Other Woman in divorce papers?

I think this shows that you should never put all your trust on someone. It doesn't mean you love them less, just that it's better to be more realistic. Not that it owuld help any.

Oh how horrible...i am sorry that you are going through this Lujay
I agree with beanieb. He is still calling all the shots. He probably now has 2 women hanging on his every word. He is showing you and your relationship no respect. I also think the line about why he can't tell her to back off is just a lie so that he can cover his tracks if needs be.

LuJay - are you about?

Can I ask why you havent told anyone about this. It has been a very heavy burden to carry on your own for over a year.

Maybe you are protecting him by keeping silent? You do need some support in rl, though. It could really help to talk things through with a trusted friend or family member. They may well think badly of him, but he has behaved badly so it goes with the territory.

completely agree with QS

completely disagree with gagarin

this man is a liar and a cheat, if he hasn't slept with her it is because he got found out

LuJay, you are being far too passive in this, you are being taken for a fool

oh yes, and stop him from doing the "card-playing sessions with his friends" every friday and saturday night

that is dodgy too

Right, your H is afraid her H will find out because in reality he fears he will come round and quite rightly give him a massive punch on the nose.

And he's afraid you'll speak to her because she may not have the same story about unrequited passion straight and then you will go digging and find the absolute truth I'm so sorry, but he is probably stringing you along regarding whether it was physical.

Been there and done it - he can't leave her alone as he still has lots of feelings for her. Worse, you are colluding with letting their secret affair continue as her H doesn't know so it is not out in the open.

Until her H becomes real to your H (ie he is standing on the doorstep saying 'why did you sleep with my wife you - insert word of choice - ?) and openly shaming your H into thinking about what he has done / is doing then it is still to him a secret relationship. Your husband has no respect for your feelings so show the same to him. Confront her, confront the husband, and then there will be two people making sure that they don't have contact.

And if they choose to be together because it is now all open I would be surprised - neither of them have left anyone so far and it has been going on a while... It will all look as crappy as it is once everyone knows about it and I'm sure that with the added ingredient of absolute shame then neither will look as attractive to the other. Don't let this drag on or you will go nuts. If he hasn't got the balls to stand up for his family then it's time he had the balls to take the consequences. Take charge of it - you will feel better.