Brokenhearted and trying to save our marriage...

[LuJay]

Here's summary of what has happened over the last year or so... I have told absolutely NOBODY about this so this is quite difficult for me, but here goes...
We have always had a close relationship and i have always trusted DH fully and absolutely. When we married i was so happy that i had found someone who i believed would never ever stray as this was way outside his moral beliefs and values. He is a kind caring man and i just never believed he had it in him to cheat, especially since he has always worshiped the ground i walked on so to speak. Anyway, early last year i began to notice a marked change in his behaviour and became suspicious that he may be having an affair. So i started making note of secret conversations he was having on the phone and to cut a long story short, found out that he had been having a telephone relationship with another woman. Well i was devastated and confronted him about it and he denied there was anything in it except that he was flattered that this attractive (also married) young woman would be interersted in him and admitted that he was attracted to her but that nothing had happened and it was mainly a phone thing because he found it easy to talk to her. This shattered me even further to think that he found it easier to talk to her than to me, his own wife. At that time we had a young baby and a toddler and i knew i had been neglecting him emotionally while caring for our kids - it is so easy for the children to take over and before you know it you haven't been intimate in a month. So i accepted my share of responsibility. Anyway, things were ok for a few more months but i was still noticing some strange behaviour around phone use. Anyway, then i busted him after he went on a short trip with her and my world fell apart. I was on the verge of leaving him but we worked through it and i decided to stay and give our marriage a chance to heal for both myself, DH and of course our 2 beautiful children. DH promised me that they did not have sex, but that he wanted to although he wasn't sure whether he would have actually gone through with it once in the situation. Apparently she was also struggling with it since she also still loves her husband and so for those reasons on both sides, they never consumated the 'friendship'. Even if i convince myself that nothing 'actually' happened, the fact that he wanted it to hurt me more deeply than i can even explain. He has always been my world, the love of my life. Then late last year i found out that they were still in contact via sms and all hell broke loose again. I was ready to leave if for nothing else than to give him a taste of what a broken home would be like. He swears that the only reason he has remained in contact with this woman was to try to keep her calm so that she wouldn't lose it and tell her husband out of guilt which would only complicate things further. Anyway, he promised that he would not talk to her or sms her again and that if she called, he would not answer her calls and he would tell me about it. Anyway, 2 weeks ago i randomly listened to his voicemail and she had left him a message on there. There was nothing untoward about the message, it was very short and basically just said that someone had called and she wondered if it was him as it came from a private number. My trouble is that he didn't tell me about the message as he had promised and i was already having so much trouble trying to trust him again. He said he just didn't want to open a can or worms again and that he didn't tell me because he didn't want to bring the whole thing back up again for no reason. He said he did not return the call and that the fact that she left a message should reassure me because he does not answer her calls. Any thoughts from anyone who has been in a similar situation?

Quite right - having to repeat it all to my face would make it seem what it is ie completely horrible bollocks, while also stopping me from speculating over and over about what is being hidden still. Believe me, my imagination is probably far worse than the reality.

yes, i imagine that we imagine they are doing all the REALLY dirty stuff with them. Maybe they are, but maybe they're not too. I dunno, i think if i were to cheat (which i would never do), i could never really enjoy it because i would be so racked with guilt.

bloody men, no wonder we are the superior sex, you only have to look around this board to know that!

tell me abedelia, how long has the cat been out of the bag for you?

Thanks LuJay for your message on my other thread

I think you are doing the right thing on your situation and well done for having the guts to ask him to move out for a while. Space to think will do you the world of good and you will get the chance to see if you miss him. Also, not that I think your DH deserves credit, it is good that he is now offering for you to be able to check on him at any time.

I think he is terrified that time on your own will make you not want him. Well, at the moment, nobody knows the answer to that and that is the risk he took when he started messing around. Keeping this man on his toes till you have done a bit of thinking and time out will do him no harm. After all, you have been on tenterhooks for a year. Make him sweat. If he is right for you and sincere, he will wait and work for you as long as it takes. You are showing him consequences and that is a lesson he needs to learn.

LuJay, I'm going to speak plainly - he is most definitely having a sexual relationship with this woman. You are allowing him to have his cake and eat it.

He seems to have shown over and over that you cannot trust him.

Also going out with the boys every Friday and Saturday shows that he is not making your marriage a priority.

You are doing the right thing in getting him to move out. If you want him back I think you need to get some counselling and set new ground rules for your marriage.

Sorry for bluntness. I really do wish you all the best.

Six and a half months since their half-a-night stand (after a 6 week emotional affair), and five months since he finally told her to get lost. Despite all her lengthy emailed declarations of love at the time there hasn't been a peep from her since. While I'm glad and don't think it's going on again, do you think that's odd - I know these pages are full of people's ex's getting back in touch...

I agree that what you imagine is probally far worse then the reality. Ive tried to get this through to my dh but it isnt sinking in with him.

LuJay, good luck with the marriage counsellor has your H agreed to go with you? Thats a good step if he has. Ive tried to say to my h that we should go to counselling but all he says is he dont know.

Its also a good step forward that he is prepared for you to check up on him at the motel. If it was me I would probally follow that through too!

Hi LuJay i have just come through similar with my DH and can't offer any pearls of wisdom im afraid. Why do these seemingly intelligent men think its ok to have 'friendships' with women usually 'colleagues'?

I have 4 DC so it has been impossible for me to even have a short term separation. I can however say that the jealousy thing can snowball and before you know it you are checking his every movement and it becomes an obsession. i have had to take his promise (EVENTUALLY) to not have any more contact with this woman at face value and try for the sake of our kids to put it behind me.

I am now actively looking for a 'friendship' of my own to give the bastard a taste of his own medicine wink

Hi lhg32, thanks for your input - a word of warning though, two wrongs don't make a right. I know 'payback' can be tempting, but be the better person that you are, as much as you want to get back at him it will only hurt you, your marriage and your children more in the end.

Lujay, i am glad you are getting lots of support on here, i wis i could have offered more advice but i don't really know what i would do because i know i am quite paranoid when it comes to cheaters, i hope things turn out ok for you

How's it going LuJay?

Lujay,
Firstly I'm so sorry you are going through this agony- for that's what it is.I've been there- 5 years ago- when my dh who I'd been with happily for 20 years without warning had a full blown affair with a work colleague.

The shock, devistation disbelief saddness and love you experience all in one sentence is so hard to explain to anyone else. Many see it black and white....walk away etc etc...BUT when it's your husband, lover best friend doing this and you have shared a good family life for years (we have 3 children)it's not at all straight forward it's so grey! Part of you is so angry and in shock (like you I truely believed my dh was incapable of cheating on me!!!) the other part is so sad and in despair as you see the person you love in agony and causing you the same.

Let me say- we have come through it, we are still together closer and stronger now. However in the year that it all came out in the open he put me through torture because he kept lying and took far too long to get HER completely out of our lives.

He told me because her "psycho" dh had found out and was "coming after him with a baseball bat"...that never happened!!
He told me at first he'd £got close to someone at work, I think I think I love her but I love you too." he swor it was just "a kiss" and feeling close to her!!! Lies all lies it was meeting whenever they could, sex in travelodges and even the odd weekend away together!!!

It is amazing how strong you can be when the "shit hits the fan" like you i became an accomplished detective and found out all about it her her family etc.
The affair was bad enough it broke my heart but what made it worse was how he behaved when it came out he lied and lied and each time I found out more it's like a twist of the knife in your heart.

The thing I learned is that affairs are about fantasy and escapism. they are not about the real world. They are very powerful and consume the people involved stopping them thinking and behaving as they usually do. My dh (sounds like your too) developed the skill of putting a lid on the boxes in his life.....home, me the kids were in 1 box, SHE, their time together in another....work in another etc and he'd leave 1 world put the lid on and carry on as normal in another world. That's how they function and think!!!!

The only way to break this is a sharp injection of reality......when I became involved I wouldn't let him not tak about it, he had to answer questions, I went to see her, I saw her parents and eventually her dh too.......REALITY is facing your lovers wife who is being civilised but firm talking about her life with dh and kids...REALITy is getting into HER life like she stole into yours. Whenreality hits then most affairs fall apart because they are not based on love they are grounded on false lust and a fantasy world.

I learned the escapism isn't always from the relationship their in it's more often from something in themselves and YOU are not to blame. IF your dh felt neglected or not in touch with you he always had the option to TELL you to work at your relationship. HE CHOSE not to and to get close to someone else.

We came through it....we turned a corner when he put himself in counselling and sorted his head out. We worked together then to get her out of our lives. It had to be NO MORE SECRETS...he HAD to answer my questions in full and tell me every time she tried to contact him ( which she became very sneaky at trying to do)He also lost his right to privacy for a long while...I didn't see it as snooping by then I saw it as building the trust again.

He needs to know what he is about to loose if he doesn't wise up and come clean. I do reccommend counselling but that only works when he reaches the point of telling the full truth.

Every persons story is a little different but there are common elements of behaviopur and emotions. I just wanted to share my experience a little to let you know you can get through this BUT it is painful and depends on him wising up in time before the damage can't be repaired. Good luck, keep talking you will find lots of support here.

Take care of yourself honey!

I'm new to this site & have just found your post. LuJay, I sincerely hope that you are hanging on in there.

I too found out my DP had been seeing someone from work. I too found his behaviour just a bit odd, and I pushed and pushed him to talk. Never a great talker he eventually sent me an email at work telling me he'd met someone else and was leaving.

We were engaged to be married at the time.

I honestly thought my world had fallen apart. I picked him up from work to go home and talk. He swore they hadn't slept together but that he wanted to. He said he still loved me and always would. I thought it was just cold feet, but pride kicked in and I told him to leave (I'd learnt from a colleague who'd split from her DP but continued to live together until they sold the house). He was surprised at how strong I was - I told him to sort out putting the house on the market, when he came home a few days later to pick up some things (he stayed at a friend's) I presented him with joint accounts cleaned out of my half of savings, car documents to transfer ownership to me. I told him that the house was half his, but it was no longer his home, and that he could not come and go as he pleased.

3 days after leaving he emailled to tell me about an ex-work colleague of ours he'd bumped into - I told him that he could no longer speak to me about such things, and that our history was just that. Talk to the new woman about that stuff.

I then went to Las Vegas for a week with my sister, over his birthday. I know he had a cr*p day as his family are useless.

All in all I really made him see what he'd thrown away. It was a gamble playing the bitch because I still wanted him and it was hurting me.

That was all 4 years ago.

We went to Relate, and began having a drink after, then meeting for food before sessions, and basically began to date again.

He changed his job so he had no more contact with the woman.

He finally moved back in - to the spare room - but a few months later we moved back together properly.

It was hard for my family and friend's to accept him as they'd seen me so hurt, but they trusted my judgement & wanted me to be happy. This aside they also all liked DP.

However, I believe that we're stronger than ever. He never forgets to tell me how much he loves me and appreciates me. He thought the grass was greener, and found out that was not the case.

We're now trying for a baby, something that he has wanted for a long, long time. I worry that some people may think we're trying to "paper over cracks", but I can honestly say that is not the case. We do not take each for granted as we had a taste of what life without each other would be like, and we didn't like it.

Councelling is a definite yes, being honest is a definite yes, and taking some time out from each other to lick your wounds is a definite yes.

I wish you every luck and happiness. You really sound like you deserve it. It can be achieved with your DH, but I wish you well whatever path you choose, xx

Hi
i have been following your thread from the start and just wanted to add my support.

i have not posted yet as I have nothing of use to post.

Also as an aside
absolute respect to Laurielou.

Laurielou thats great news that you have now worked things through. My dh and I are still not together but he still wants to talk to me about work and family problems etc. Think I will certainly follow your strong stance on things. As profiterole says...absolute respect!

Ooooh, thanks for the respect! Looking back at my post I made it sound a hell of a lot easier than it was. It was the toughest time of my life. But it can work out.

whatdoyouallthink - good luck. I really mean it. Don't listen to his problems - that's just taking the bad stuff without any of the good.

Lujay I read your op and thought to myself he's lying - he did sleep with ow.
Been through something similar myself and I know how awful it is when you have to drag the truth out of someone bit by bit - someone you trusted and loved so much. I think you are handling it really well considering. Stick around for support. You won't be able to heal until all the truth comes out and that may take some time. My h and I went through counselling and are now expecting our second dc. We have done a lot of work on our relationship and he has done a lot of work trying to win back my trust. I would say that he has to make a really concerted effort to be transparent, honest and to put you first if your relationship is to survive. That said, there is barely a day that passes where I don't think about what he did Have you told any friends? You really need them on board right now.

Hi all, just wanted to put in a quick note to say thanks to you all for all your support. To maturer and laurielou, thank you so much for your words of hope, so many would say 'kick him to the curb', but that's not what i need right now, so you guys' input has been invaluable. well hubby has been at the motel for almost a week and the kids and i miss him terribly. However, the lines of communication are open and we are talking now more than we ever have so hopefully we will ge through this. Some would say i'm a fool for sticking around after what has happened, but my response to that is simply that i took my wedding vows very, very seriously and i meant it when i said until death parts us, i meant it when i said 'and if the darkness ever makes you lose your way, i'll shine the light of love on your pathway home'. Please pray for us, cross your fingers or do whatever else it is that you do.

LuJay

I'm glad you're feeling better, so here is some practical advice:

Insist he tells you absolutely everything. I could not have moved on without knowing it all and you both need to face up to the enormity of this situation. It might help if you say (and mean it) that anything else coming out at a later date from a third party will be a deal-breaker for you, so best he tells you it all now, however painful. Don't be fobbed off with stuff that sounds like bollocks either. My DH was in denial about the intensity of his affair and it took many conversations to get him to realise/own up to what would be obvious to most people.

Ask to see all mobile 'phone bills and any other "evidence". Sometimes people need hard facts and statistics to own up to the reality e.g. 73 texts in 8 hours doesn't equate to "I was going off her months before it ended..."

Get him to go to counselling on his own. I'd recommend the same for you too, but he needs to unlock what this was - brushing it under the carpet is never going to help either of you work out why this happened.

Any contact whatsoever from this woman MUST be disclosed.

Write yourself a chronology from when this started to the point you are at now. You will be able to see far more clearly where the gaps are and it is up to him to fill those gaps. It's also immensely cathartic!

Decide now whether you can live with someone who still hasn't learnt that failure to confront issues and talk about them isn't conducive to a happy relationship. One of the gains you can have - and you'll never get another chance - from this horrendous situation, is to list your needs in this relationship. My DH would rather have slit his own throat than talk about our relationship before all this happened and was certainly not the sort of man who would have gone to counselling. He will now talk for hours and is far more communicative about how he is feeling. He also knows that he's got this one opportunity to have a great marriage - he'll never get another.

Be honest with him LuJay - I know you want to save your marriage and you can, but only if both your needs are being met. Mending my marriage meant me being honest too about the way I wanted life to be from now on - and in so many ways my marriage and my life generally are far better now.

Good luck. May post later with further thoughts.