in a panic, fretting lots, please calm me down (tis psycho with mother and aunt issues, AGAIN, <sigh>)

[psychomum5]

won;t go into the whole ins and outs of yesterday. a fair few of you know how I feel about them and my issues (suffice to say lots of tears and then drinking).

anyway.................

have had a phone call from aunt , telling me that all I feared might actually happen and my mother may be able to track me down.

on my visit to mother yesterday I mistakenly dropped a 'pass-out' from school for my DS2 (he had a hospital appointment during the day and so needed a 'pass-out' to prove he was not truanting). It has his full name, and of course name and address of the school on it.

now, when I was a child, regardless of my mother being in a mental hospital 30miles from where I lived and went to school, and also despite being in a 'locked unit', she still managed to escape and get to me, and each time to the school I went to as it was no secret where I attended.

the trauma to me with her walking in and screaming for me, attacking teachers & police when they were called, all witnessed by my friends while I was hidden in the heads office (my aunt would never come and get me from school even tho everyone was warned......and no-one managed to find my mother until she got to me either) is very long lasting. It is one of the reasons that I keep everything possible secret from her (ie, married name, address, tel. no., work place, mobile......in fact, she can only contact me thru my aunt, whcih of course gives my aunt power I wish she didn;t have).

so, now, me being an idiot, is terrifying me.

I have been told by my friend who came with me yesterday to visit her that my fears are less likely to happen now. schools are impossible to get into, she is old (she is. even tho she is only 59, she is old due to the illness), and she is not going to find it so easy.

but she could..........she actually only lives 3miles away from me now, and as close also to the school. she is not locked up, she is now in a home where yes, she has carers, but she is allowed out so could easily get a taxi or bus (not 100% sure she is capable but she is certainly determined).

I am scared

and fretting

but not sure is my fear is real or just left over from my trauma as a child.

please, tell me it will be ok, or tell me how to deal with it without moving schools and house which right now is my thoughts.

Oh you poor thing.

I'm sure you will be fine, but to make yourself feel more secure you could call the home she is currently in and explain what you are worried about. Also you could speak to the school about their security arrangements, which as your friend said are much stricter than they were even a few years ago.

thankyou trillian. yes, ringing the home would be a good start to them watching out for her. school will be warned too, and yes, I do know that their security arrangements are good, but it still frets me.

J (my friend) said to tell them that they should call the police if she turns up, but not sure if that is the done thing with mentally ill?? am worried it will freak her out.

You should probably warn the school that if anyone turns up claiming to be DS's grandma they should be very wary - they might not be as on-guard as they should be with an elderly-ish lady, especially if she can put on an act of being 'normal'.

The primary school my mum used to work in has locked gates everywhere (and this was a few years ago) so she would have to either climb over a gate or talk her way past a receptionist, neither of which seems very likely to happen.

Sorry I'm not very good at doing sympathy. If someone told me they had been burgled I would be more 'right, let's call the police, don't touch anything as you might destroy evidence, now let's put the kettle on' rather than 'poor you, how are you feeling?'.

That is good advice from Trillian...I think you may be carrying stuff from your childhood into this panic now: you are bigger and uglier now, and you would cope if she showed up. You have so much more power now, and it's a different world too- even children understand more about mental illness now than we used to, and I don't think she could upset yours in anything like the same way.

Here, have a bacon butty...

running in to say thanks, am off out for a wee bit as apparently I need calming donw (can't think why).

will reply propelry later

Hope you have a nice day out, and manage to forget about all of this.

BoF is right, do your children know anything about your mother? They are likely to understand much better and to be in a better frame of mind to deal with it if they do see her, she won't have the same emotional hold over them as she does with you as she's not their mother.

Right as everyone has said, you need to speak to the school and to the home. Do the children know about your mum and her problems? If they do, you need to remind them that they must never go off with anyone but you, DH or whoever has been arranged to collect them ie C or DH's mum. The school will not let them go off with her. You may have to keep reminding the school every now and then as she now knows which school they attend.

As for the police thing, if she does turn up at school, you are well within your rights to contact the police. She will only be there for that reason, and you don't want that. You don't want her near your children.

I would be feeling much the same as you, I know I would, but they WILL be safe at school.

Lotsa love to you x

am home again, and right now escaping the hell of downstairs where everyone is supposed to be tidying after their crafty-making-cards-for-me spree, but instead are argueing over who left the sequins here, who left the glue there, who made THAT particular mess......

the main panic about the school is not that she would try and get them, or that they would go with her, but the hell she would cause in the meantime and everyone seeing......leading to embarrassment and bullying. I knew never to go with my mum, and the school indeed did their very best to hide me so she could never just grab me, but what my friends witnessed of my mother was worse..............it led to years of abuse from school peers, and also led to me feeling far far different from everyone else. THAT is my fear for my children.

the children do know my mother, and see her occasionally (mainly when I am feeling strong enough to protect them and help them understand what she is and why). they have a better understanding of my mothers illness than I ever did at their ages, and also can deal with her fairly well (something I am proud of I have to admit.

it is MY reactions that are the upsetting bit for them I fear when we do visit (IYGWIM).

AND NOW........... it is also what my mother will try, possibly in view of other parents at the school that terrifies me.

oh, and she will write to the school too.

she has massive writing sprees trying to track me down. she even writes to her old house, and her mums old house (my nan).

indeed, when either of the houses are sold they new occupants always have to be warned of it all as it gets a tad much for them.

another thing inflicted.

Don't worry, no-one unauthorised should be able to get into school grounds at all nowadays, so she can't cause too much trouble. Certainly not rampaging around the school searching for anyone as you described.

Your children sound very sensible (sequin fights notwithstanding ) I'm sure they will be fine.

I know exactly how you feel pyshco as I have a similar situation with my mother. My MIL has talked to her and told her about my youngest. She has written vicious letters to me via PIL address and has had someone ring up my MIL pretending to be a solicitor. She has also threatened to sue for access.

The school have been on alert for the last 3 years or so to only let my children go with DH or I. One time the teacher wouldn't let DS1 go with Dh (he had left the classroom, gone back in for something and then the teacher wouldn't let him go that time as she didn't recognise DH) The head was called to verify he really was his dad. Exactly what we want them to do.

I was called in a few weeks ago as they felt I wasn't comfident my children were safe so I told them the teacher had let my DD go without me being there and I am entitled to feel worried.

DH has checked with the law and we can't do anything until she tries to take the DCs.

I didn't mean to waffle on that much. I just wanted you to know that I really do understand.

I panic every day when I can't see them.

PS Nothing that happens with your mother is in any way your fault. You are not inflicting anything on anyone, she is. Now I know that this is because she is ill, and so she is not exactly responsible for the things that she does, but neither are you. Okay?

oh nabs, tis hell isn;t it. I too panic when I cannot see my children, which I am sure is part of why I am finding it so hard to let DD1 have the freedom she deserves about coming home when she has been out with her friends.

I really am trying to not let this get to me, and as of right now, the children don;t know about the possible threat regarding the schools as I am not able to talk about it without crying, which obviously won;t help.

I am hoping that just talking to the office at school plus the home where my mum is (both tomorrow as mums carer is not in today it seems).

argh, and now I have remembered that DD3 has loods booked tomorrow at 9am, so I am not doing the school run. and DH won;t remember to say anything.......

I am sure you can imagine how I felt when my then 7 year old told me he would go home with anyone who told him too.

That is so scary. I'm not sure what to advice but my heart goes out to you x

just broken down on DD1 and DH.

I just feel so so scared. I feel completely heartsick anyway. every year my mothers day is ruined by 'The Visit' I have to make to her, as is xmas and birthdays, and I just don;t want to do it anymore.

DH is so angry. not with me, but with how upset I get and how aunty makes me feel. he is ranting and planning on ringing aunty in the morning and telling her that he can;t deal with me doing this anymore and so he is banning all visits and phone calls for a while, if not for good.

he is being big stong man . He is trying to protect me.

the only way for me to feel truly safe tho I think is to emigrate to australia. I might be far enough away then.......

and nabs.........that would terrify me too!!

thankyou lola.

Definately inform the school, don't worry about the embarassment is by a small chance she made it there. Teachers see all nowadays and I'm sure she couldn't walk around a school unchallenged. Are your DDs at a primary school? All the doors are locked at my DDs school, you have to use a speaker to enter. Go and speak to the school and make sure it is written down and a copy sent to all staff. I work in a school and we have these memos sent when there is a relative trying to get to a child.

BTW you don't have to visit, it's affecting your health. My DH cut off all contact with his mum for years because we were worried about the DDs safety (she threatened to kidnap them, amongst other things)

Take care x

I have told DH that if my M finds out where we live (she knows the city) I want us to move abroad. It makes me feel so bloody to think I haven't seen her since I was about 21 and she can still cause me grief. I hate her.

I want a mum.

coco, yes, it the infant school.

DS2 is 6, yr2, so in fact is only there now for another term .

and yes, the security is great. I just never ever thought I would have to tell the schools about this. it is not their concern in all honesty, and I never ever wanted to put the fear of god into my children about what todo if they see her out etc, as they just don;t. it is always a controled visit when they do see her.

nabs, Me too. that wish is top of my wish list all the time.

I do have MIL, and she is lovely, but she isn;t mine.

I want one of my very own!! I can share with a sibling if I really had to. but now, today, I want one for me, to fuss me, and stroke my hair, and tell me it is all going to be ok.

whcih clearly she would not have to do as I would not be upset like this if I had one of those mums!

I'll be yours and you can be mine.

'There, there. It really is all going to be okay.'

deal

ok. wishing you a good evening.........all the in-laws due for dinner, and I need to go help DH.