in a panic, fretting lots, please calm me down (tis psycho with mother and aunt issues, AGAIN, <sigh>)

[psychomum5]

won;t go into the whole ins and outs of yesterday. a fair few of you know how I feel about them and my issues (suffice to say lots of tears and then drinking).

anyway.................

have had a phone call from aunt , telling me that all I feared might actually happen and my mother may be able to track me down.

on my visit to mother yesterday I mistakenly dropped a 'pass-out' from school for my DS2 (he had a hospital appointment during the day and so needed a 'pass-out' to prove he was not truanting). It has his full name, and of course name and address of the school on it.

now, when I was a child, regardless of my mother being in a mental hospital 30miles from where I lived and went to school, and also despite being in a 'locked unit', she still managed to escape and get to me, and each time to the school I went to as it was no secret where I attended.

the trauma to me with her walking in and screaming for me, attacking teachers & police when they were called, all witnessed by my friends while I was hidden in the heads office (my aunt would never come and get me from school even tho everyone was warned......and no-one managed to find my mother until she got to me either) is very long lasting. It is one of the reasons that I keep everything possible secret from her (ie, married name, address, tel. no., work place, mobile......in fact, she can only contact me thru my aunt, whcih of course gives my aunt power I wish she didn;t have).

so, now, me being an idiot, is terrifying me.

I have been told by my friend who came with me yesterday to visit her that my fears are less likely to happen now. schools are impossible to get into, she is old (she is. even tho she is only 59, she is old due to the illness), and she is not going to find it so easy.

but she could..........she actually only lives 3miles away from me now, and as close also to the school. she is not locked up, she is now in a home where yes, she has carers, but she is allowed out so could easily get a taxi or bus (not 100% sure she is capable but she is certainly determined).

I am scared

and fretting

but not sure is my fear is real or just left over from my trauma as a child.

please, tell me it will be ok, or tell me how to deal with it without moving schools and house which right now is my thoughts.

You're doing really well, your DCs sound lovely even when you complain about them so you must be a good mother.

I can say without a doubt that Psycho is indeed a very lovely, lovely mummy She doesn't sit still for 5 minutes but she is a fab mum.

Psycho, you know that you do everything in your power to protect your children.

There is every chance that even if your mother found her way into school, she wuld be stopped at reception and even if she did cause a fuss, DS wouldn't know about it. Even if there were children about the school wouldn't tell them who she was there for. Yes there is a very small risk that J may be about at the time, but it is small.

If she is now frailer than she was when you were young, it will be even more difficult for her to get past the reception area.

Do you know, I still after all these years of knowing you, don't understand why you have to go and see her.

Actually I can understand, knowing you....you are too caring and nice. The guilt of not doing what you feel you should would be too much

Right now listen to me, don't let her ruin mothers day for you..enjoy dinner with your family. And come and see me soon, so we can do mother comparisons again

feeling calmer now all.

MIL came, she and sobbed together. Her for her mum who is no longer with us (she died last year), me for a mum I never had, and also for the one I do have.

PIL however bought champagne. He said mothers day was to be celebrated with the three best mums he knows (MIL, me and SIL)

am now in bed watching my new DVD.

I do still have that churning feeling in my belly and heart, but I am trying to see logic rather than fear.

squirdle, you are right about the guilt. and also, the aunt issues are harder to live with unless I behave myself. Do you know, she hassled MIL on saturday about where I was (that was the saturday issues)........she had told mother I was coming at 10am, but I was in rehearsals all day! aunty could not get hold of me (funny that, my phone was put away as I was rehearsing etc), DH was ignoring the phone (he knew it was her, never imagining she would ring MIL and get my mobile), and so she hassled MIL and rang me 10 times ranting on my answer-phone.

anyhoo.......MIL tild her that not only was I probably at rehearsals, but also I had been very ill and in hospital.

auntys response............."SO??, she makes it up all the time about her allergies"

.....I was calm at the tart of this post. Now verging on livid!!!

Grr and at your aunt for not helping at all.

at PIL and champagne.

trillian, my aunt is the worst of my issues. she raised me, altho she begrudges it all the time as she tells me how hard I made her life etc etc.

she has such a hold tho, that I cannot find the strength to break. she clicks her fingers, and I ask how high to dance (IYGWIM). and then I feel stupid for letting her get to me, angry at her, bad for being angry at her and the whole cycle goes round and round and round.

and in the middle of it all is mother issues.

, ,

Now you have your own family. Who all love you very much. And you are doing a great job with them.

yes, that is very true

bad night

feeling sick with dread. not sure what she can actually do in the next couple hours or so before I can go talk to the school, but my brain is not on rational-level this morning, it is on red-alert (as is my heart).

DS2 is actually crouping tho , so I am gonna get DH to keep him off while I take DD3 to hospital for her bloods (2 down, 12 to go) and then at least O can comfort myself with the thought that while the school gets memo's out, he is safe with me.

Good plan. I guess you're out taking DD3 to the vampires now, hope it's not too traumatic.

am just back from the bloods. DD3 is not the easiest child to reassure. plus she is a very 'glary' child when she is in a mood, and she was today, due to her sisters watching when I was putting the 'magic cream' on. The screaming and bending of arms to make sure I could not get to her to put said cream on was hell!!!

still, done now, till friday.........

as for mother.......schools have been notified. head of DS2s school is ringing me to talk about what they will do, and how bad the risk might be (TBH, I have no idea of the real threat), plus the junior school is also going to set up stuff as the risk might spill over.

I have spoken to mothers keyworker who, altho she has said that mother is not in great physical shape, if she is on one of her 'days', she could manage it. PLus, they cannot physically restrained her due to 'health and safety'. fuck the health and safety of the children......

aunty no help. she reckons if we ignore it then she will forget about it. sadly she thought that when I was a child............things are not forgotten I have found, especially when I was being hidden in an office!

oh, the care home now has all my contact details, so should she get out, they can ring me and warn me, so I can get to the school and get the children. they also know the school, so back up is sorted there too.

I now just have to hope and pray that she is simply too old now. if she tries tho, I will flee far far away!

all I can do is ...

ALOT of them

It sounds like you've got things covered, well done

Even if she did find the bit of paper you dropped, she only has details of DS2's school, right? Which he is only at for a few more months? So this particular worry should be over soon.

I can't think of anything to say other than Goodbye... to your Aunt. You don't need toxic people in your life.

x

thanks trinity. Hugs really are needed and appreciated. My tummy has that burny-sick feeling all the time, so calm hugs are good to focus on.

trillian, yes, she does indeed only have DS2's details. problem is, (raised by the infant school this morning), the junior school has the same name (just with 'junior' rather than 'infant' in the name) and is 100yds away, and is often confused with the two school by taxi's. they suggested telling the junior school too for the confusion reason.

I just hope hope hope that she is too weak to try. it won;t stop the letters sent, or the possible phone-calls, but they are small fry (and can be ignored, thrown, block on the number etc....) so no-one is panicking about them so much.

I am probably panicking abot nothing here. but I am not able to stop myself

nabs, that one word would be a relief to say. tis also the hardest, and I am not completely sure why

LilRedWG, thankyou

I totally understand as I haven't seen my mother for many years but I can't help thinking some times I wouldn't mind 5 minutes with her....

OMG Psycho you so don't need this right now.

It sounds like the school(s) are being very sensible and responsive. Should anything happen, they will deal with it. Schools are far better trained in this stuff nowadays and have far better security - even DD's nursery have a note on the back of the door saying that a specific child (identified by intials only) is only allowed to go with certain people. Even if the worst were to happen and she did get to school, it is unlikely she would get far enough to make herself heard to any significant number of people.

As for calling the police, I would have thought they would be pretty good at understanding the issue and 'removing' her as gently as possible.

nabs, what is actually wrong with your mother (you don;t have to xplain, I am curious is all, and curious too as to how you have manged to do what I really want to do myself).

to you BTW.

stealth. you are so right with regards to the schools securtiy etc. and I have to say, I am not scared as such of her being able to get them and take them.........not least becuase I know that the children would not go as they are wary of her anyway due to me, and would know that she should not be there. she really does look mentally ill too, and doesn;t have much in the way of lucid moments, so she would never be ableto calmly convince anyone to that she has rights to take them.

my fear is more how bad a scene she will make, that will be witnessed by DS2, and other children...............she is scary and strong when she is on the attack

I understand, psycho, and I think what I was (in a muddle-headed sleep-deprived kind of way) trying to say is that a side-effect of the security would be that she would be very unlikely to get within hearing distance of DS2 or any significant number of other DC - hence reducing the impact of any scene she might make...

That's annoying about the unior school, but it shows that the school are on the ball and taking things seriously if they pointed it out to you.

She won't be able to get anywhere near any children and so can't scare them, the closest she'll get is the school's reception, they are all properly fenced and gated and locked nowadays.

I have to go for DS2 now but will be back soon and tell you.