I walked in on dh masturbating at the dining room table last night. I don't know why I feel so upset about it. I'm not sure how to react.

[sillyannesad]

He lept to his feet pulling his trousers up. I said something like "oh, excuse me. I thought you must be asleep..." and went back upstairs. He followed me up, and came in to the bedroom to ask me if I wanted to talk about it. I had my head under the duvet and muttered something about not wanting to wake ds up.

This morning was just normal. No one mentioned anything, but the kids were flying about and it's always a bit frantic in the morning.

I know it's normal and all men do it and it's harmless and all those logical things. I know I should feel fine about it. But I don't. I feel wretched. I want to go to bed and curl up and have a cry. I feel silly and sad and horrid.

Dh and I don't have sex. I don't think he fancies me. A few years ago I got fed up with the rejection and I stopped trying. I've tried to make my peace with it. We have a good relationship and he is a good friend, and good husband, a good dad and a nice chap.

For a while we talked about it endlessly, but nothing worked so we just stopped.

I sometimes feel violently, furiously angry that I have to live a celebate life. I'm young and not unattractive (not fat, not ugly, just a normal mum in her 30s).

So how do I react?

If I never bring it up again I am fairly certain that he won't either.

I can see myself acting all fine about it and then making the odd little barbed comment.

Maybe this is the cue we need to get talking and sort out our sex life? I just don't think I can take any more rejection though.

I really want to cry. I feel so angry with him. I'm trying not to because all the poor bloke did was masturbate in the privacy of his own dining room.

Please help.
Please don't laugh at me.
Please don't regale me with tales of your own wonderful sex life.

What do I do? And how do I stop feeling so shit?

This isn't about the masturbating though is it, it's the enforced celibacy.
If you're not happy with it, it needs sorting. Relate?

Oh dear.

I feel really sorry for you. There will probably be loads of really sensible people along in a minute so I am just bumpoing really.

There have been a few threads about this sort of issue before. Have you searched the archives?

Obviously your real problem is not that DH was masturbating at the dining table, but that you are living an enforced life of celibacy because he won't have sex with you.

Have you been to relate? Would he agree to counselling or a sex therapist? What have you tried already?

It is not reasonable for one partner to enforce celibacy on the other, so you are not being silly to be upset about this.

Forgive me - I'm not the best at expressing my thoughts in writing, but I really want to respond to your post as you just sound so broken about this.

It sounds to me like you really would like to be having sex with your husband. You don't go into the reasons why he was rejecting you causing you to stop having sex.

Would he agree to go to counseling with you? Relate or a similar organisation should be able to help you talk through the issues together and hopefully get you back on track.

As for the masturbation, I think you need to get it straight in your head just how you feel about last night and then sit down and talk about it with him.

I really hope that you can get this sorted.

Oh poor you.

I think that you can use this to discuss how you can "fix" your sex life, yes.

You need to sit down and talk it through, has he ever said why he doesn't want sex? Was there a particular reason at the time?

definitely a chance to open up discussion - how would you feel if he did it in bed? Maybe you could join him or is that too embarrassing - it might be the road to recovery?

I can really understand how this made you feel shit. Its maybe being confronted with the fact that your dh is still a sexual being
and that the problems are between the two of you not, er , mechanical? Would he go to counselling? This could be the turning point for you both. You are entitled to have a full active marriage and this needs sorting. Try to not go with the barbed comments, but dont let it be brushed under the carpet.( so to speak..)

I suppose the porn scenario would have gone along the lines of:

you walk in and find him masturbating
you wordlessly go up to him and take over the job yourself
he realises he is still attracted to you after all
together you drift up to bed....

I would suggest either talking very seriously to your dh about what exactly he feels for you or going for some counselling together. You can't let this situation continue, feeling as upset as you do.

i couldn't let your post go unanswered. You sound like you have a similar sex life to my own.

My husband and I also don't have sex and I don't think he fancies me. We've talked about it endlessly and like you eventually I've just given up and tried to accept that it's just not going to happen. I feel very similar to you in that I can't face talking about it, doing anything about it anymore cos I can't bear to be rejected again. It's so humiliating (especially when like you say, you know you're not some hideous monster, just a normal 30something mum)

My relationship aside (just wanted you to know that I understand) I think you're going to have to mention it and have 'another' sex talk. I'm sure you can't face it but if you just ignore it when it's upset you so much it'll end up like a big elephant in the room and may well burst out during some other argument. Or,if you're anything like me, you'll end up resenting him and being ratty with him for little things when actually it's the masturbation that's upset you.

You need to talk about it, get it out in the open. Even if nothing changes and you go back to how you were, you still need to acknowledge the incident. It will clear the air.

If it's any consolation, a few months ago, hubby and I became aware that it was 3am in the morning, we were both naked in bed masturbating and trying not to wake the other up!! (That incident made me laugh and cry at the same time!)

massive hugs, I can totally imagine what you're going through.

Oh dear. Now people are being nice to me I'm in floods. Although your last comment did make me laugh Korma.

Justgaveup - thank you so much for your post. I do sometimes feel I must be the only person in the world with this problem. When girlfriends make knowing jokes about how their dh will want that again tonight and everyone laughs I just smile along and feel like a fraek.

You're all right. The masturbation thing has just made it absolutely clear that there are no physical problems here. He just doesn't want to have sex with me. Mostly I can ignore it or pretend otherwise but not when confronted with the wanker in action, if you'll excuse the expression. (He's not really a wanker, I'm just feeling hurt and angry.) (Well, he is really a wanker, obviously, but ykwim).

I don't know why we don;t have sex. I do know that on the odd occasion we do it (the last time was June 2007) it is crap. Really bad. I just want it to end. We're both so awkward and embarrassed. Neither of us would dream of saying anything about it. Horrible.

I wasn't always like this. Many many years ago I walked in on him looking at porn and tried to join in, but he rejected me, was embarrassed, flustered, said it was yucky.

I don't fancy him at all. I did, and I could again, but a large part of attraction is the feeling of being wanted. I could not possibly feel turned on by a man who doesn't want me at all. You just end up feeling silly and humiliated, not sexy.

Something else that makes me sad - we got married last year and we haven't even consumated it.

You don't have sex at all. You are obviously deeply unhappy about this. Only two options really - get professional help or go your separate ways. I'd go for the former a.s.a.p. Tell your husband straight: 'This situation is not normal or healthy and it is making me deeply unhappy. We must address this now.'

You dont have to live like this you know. You need to be very brave and insist it is talked about. Your sex life can be rebuilt, from the ground up, but it takes both of you to be committed to doing it.

Can I ask a question and I don't mean this unkindly at all - why did you marry him?

Last time you had sex it wasn't very good. Has it ever been good?

How sexually experienced were you before you met him? What about him?

Sorry, that was four questions!

But if it takes both of us, and he doesn't really want to, I'm stymied really aren't it?

Relationship counseling isn't an option at the moment. I have namechanged for this thread and I don't want to go in to why, but it really isn't.

I would not consider leaving him over this. We have a very happy family and two young children. Mostly I just paper over it and day to day I try not to think about it. I'm a bit in a muddle today because of last night.

I want to fix things between us. I don't know how. I don't know what to do. Every scenario leads to the bit where I'm asking him to please have sex with me.

We talk. We agree that we need to just do it. But he doesn't.

I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say, what to do, when to say it, how to fix this.

Georgi - for reasons other than sex I suppose. I do love him and I know that he loves me too. I got a bit bundled into getting married. I didn't really want to. I DO love him though and married or not I don't want to leave him.

Sex was quite good in the very early years.

Before we got together we had both had a few sexual partners, me more than him I suspect.

I really understand that you need to feel wanted befor eyou can want him. You say that you dont fancy him anymore, but that you could. Chances are he feels very similar to this. It is a circle that needs breaking. Sometimes there is a lot to be said for nike sex - just do it.

Was also going to say that your face, physique and charm seem to have little to do with you not getting it from your husband if I may be so blunt.

This enforced celibacy sound sawful, awful and I feel for you being treated like this. How many years have it been exactly? Have you ever spoken about it with your DH?

Do you remember why you stopped having sex in the first place? Do you remember how it fizzled out? Pregnancy, births, one specific event?

I would definitely speak to your DH and get him to come to sexual counselling with you. This is no way to live!!

Am I right in thinking that you did have sex before you got married as you have DC?

Can you pinpoint what changed - why you stopped having sex?

And you say that "We agree that we need to just do it. But he doesn't" Does that mean that you feel that it's up to him to make all the moves?

I don't think you can paper over it for long tbh.

Had very similar, in fact i could have written your post. Enough is enough for me, though we did try (two lots of) counselling.

I have questions on the same lines as georg:
How does he make you feel generally? ie special, respected, listened to, appreciated, loved?
If you can answer yes to that then counselling has a great chance of working. If not, then it may be time to consider other options

(just my experience, feel free to ignore)

S am I right in thinking the sex stopped after your 2nd child? Can you pin it down to anything specific or was it just a gradual thing?

Also, may I ask if you ever had a healthy sex life at all, before the children came along, and if you ever enjoyed each other in that way.

You see I can relate to what you are experiencing, but for us it was trying for our DD and after her birth when things fell flat. Before that we had sex constantly. I wondered if it as the same for you.....

OK, so sex used to be good and you are both fairly experienced - I'm no therapist but that sounds positive - no suggestion of deep seated sex hang ups.

You say you don't want to leave him so you have three options (I'm not suggesting you actually do any of these things):

1. remain in the relationship and tell him that you want to have a sexual relationship with him. You are prepared to work at it. If he refuses, you have to live in celibacy.

2. leave things as they are

3. Number one, but if he refuses, tell him you consider yourself at liberty to satisfy your sexual needs elsewhere.

I think moopymoo makes a very good point (as do others) about just going for it - a fake it till you feel it approach. I can understand that the risk of further rejection makes that an unnattractive prospect.

God, I'm starting to sound like Solidgoldbrass!