I walked in on dh masturbating at the dining room table last night. I don't know why I feel so upset about it. I'm not sure how to react.

[sillyannesad]

He lept to his feet pulling his trousers up. I said something like "oh, excuse me. I thought you must be asleep..." and went back upstairs. He followed me up, and came in to the bedroom to ask me if I wanted to talk about it. I had my head under the duvet and muttered something about not wanting to wake ds up.

This morning was just normal. No one mentioned anything, but the kids were flying about and it's always a bit frantic in the morning.

I know it's normal and all men do it and it's harmless and all those logical things. I know I should feel fine about it. But I don't. I feel wretched. I want to go to bed and curl up and have a cry. I feel silly and sad and horrid.

Dh and I don't have sex. I don't think he fancies me. A few years ago I got fed up with the rejection and I stopped trying. I've tried to make my peace with it. We have a good relationship and he is a good friend, and good husband, a good dad and a nice chap.

For a while we talked about it endlessly, but nothing worked so we just stopped.

I sometimes feel violently, furiously angry that I have to live a celebate life. I'm young and not unattractive (not fat, not ugly, just a normal mum in her 30s).

So how do I react?

If I never bring it up again I am fairly certain that he won't either.

I can see myself acting all fine about it and then making the odd little barbed comment.

Maybe this is the cue we need to get talking and sort out our sex life? I just don't think I can take any more rejection though.

I really want to cry. I feel so angry with him. I'm trying not to because all the poor bloke did was masturbate in the privacy of his own dining room.

Please help.
Please don't laugh at me.
Please don't regale me with tales of your own wonderful sex life.

What do I do? And how do I stop feeling so shit?

Fizzfiend

I am also finding it elsewhere, and like you warned him and warned him this would happen.

Like you say, not ideal but am much happier now I am wanted and also much less ratty resentful of hubby.

justgaveup: It seems there quite a few men who like to talk the talk to keep the peace. When I've had the courage to tackle this awkward horrible situation, he always says that he promises things will change, etc, etc and they just do not. To me, this means that he has no respect for my needs-he just wants to brush the subject under the carpet.

We all have one life and have to think about ourselves sometimes. In the end you do give up because it is such a trial otherwise. I think that womenn do most of the running around in relationships anyway.

My friends have commented that they have not recognised me for the last few years...I had become dull, boring, despondant, a different person. Now they think I am back to my old self. Only a couple of them know why!

I'll watch out for your posts...hope everything works out for you.

But your Dh did bring it up. He asked if you wanted to talk about it and you told him you didn't want to wake up your ds. You then go on to say that you are not wanting for physical affection because you are getting it from your baby. I can see that your DH probably thinks you are not interested in him at all. You are complaining on the one hand that you don't have a sex life, yet you are unwilling to do anything about it. You want him to 'bring it up' again because you don't want to. You are showing him that any wants and needs of his are seriously second place to your child. Not saying that is always wrong, of course it isn't, but in this instance, I think you have to take a long look at yourself. Do you really want to resume your sex life or are you saying you are but really finding excuses not to? From where I sit, it appears that is what you are doing. If you seriously want to sort this out, you will have to start the conversation and deal with it. It can be done. We did it. No sex for many years. No real reason though there were a few health issues to start. maily though, we just got out of the habit. There was no-one else, we always did and still do, love each other very much. It got to the point where I could not live that way any longer and as difficult as it was, I had to say something. I am so glad I did, because we couldn't be any more different now. We are extremely happy and have a very full and satisfying sex life. Our kids are much older so it's easier for us to have time to ourselves. But it wouldn't have worked if we hadn't both wanted it to. I look back now and can't believe the changes in our lives. It took a great deal of courage from me to start that discussion, I was so frightened he would say he didn't want me anymore. But he did want me. As much as I wanted him. He didn't know how to tell me until I asked him outright. Please, if you really do want to sort this out, find the courage to start that conversation.

sillyannesad - I have read your OP and about half the posts. I must say this in case the thread has moved on.

I must also apologise in advance if what i am about to post upsets you or any other posters in any way. Having been teh beneficiary of so much good advice and help from MN myself ( although not on this issue) I could not let your post pass me by wtihout comment.

I had a very good friend in your situation. they got married 12 yrs ago and had sex and she got pregnant straight away. During the pregnancy no sex and she wasn't that bothered although niggling doubts about whether he still fancied her and what would be long term bothered her.

After the birth they had sex once. Then five years passed. They went to counsellinig as he was alsways making one excuse after the other and ended up telling her that he didn't think she wanted to and he didn't want to feel like a rapist. She tried everything my poor friend - getting dressed up, going for weekends away with him and without him ( in the hope he'd miss her) , sending dd off to relatives to try and awaken old pre children feelings. She tried the lot.

And in the end after 5 yrs of this he finally confessed. He told her that he wanted to live as a woman and fancied men.

Now, 6 years on he lives as a woman and wiht a man.

My firend is bitter and broken inside that she wasted so much time and emotional energy on a man who deceieved and lied to her.On a man who put her through so very much and took her to emotional hell and back just because he was not honest enough to confront his own feelings and then when he had confronted them to share them with her.

I very much apprciate that most people's stories of sexless marriages will not end up like this and for this reason . But - it is always something to bear in mind . And it is not always for reasons that we can influence, change or understand.

I wish you luck with your future and hope all works out the best way for you in the end.

I agree with sayithowitis, your dh did bring it up, he followed you up the stairs, he could have stayed down stairs and went to bed when you were asleep

Also as others have said he could be having a hard time with the baby still being in your bed and you feeding him
(I am in noway against bf, I bfed my own dcs)

I think you will need to bring it up as your dh might think you don't want to discuss or may not want to bring it up again incase you tell him you don't want to discuss it again

sayithowitis - I am glad you said that as I was begining to feel the same things. I am taking particular note of what you say in the second half of your note about your own situation. I and my wife have both been quite ill for a while and with kids I can know how that can happen. Really glad it worked out well for you.

lisalisa - I agree the thread has moved on a lot since this morning and to be frank I am now a bit confused as to the real issues. I have no doubt that there obviously is a lot of unhapiness here and I do hope the OP can sort them out and make her and her DH happy again. The good thing here is that they seem to have been happy in the past so there is definitley a good starting point.

read 'mating in captivity'...i would send you mine,but a friend has it.(google it)

it is nothing short of brilliant.

although our sex life is still a work in progress,the book is great in that it gets you really thinking about sex in a way that frees you from some of the pain of rejection/difficulties/personal reactions etc

There are various reasons why a partner in a relationship will not have sex with the other partner but will have sex with him/herself. I'm going to use gender terms in the rest of this to reflect the OP's situation (ie he won't have sex with her though she wants him to) but this isn't always a gender issue. He might have hangups about the fact that she's the mother of his DC and therefore 'sacred' and not sexy. He might have particular sexual desires/fetishes that either she doesn't like or that he is ashamed of. This doesn't mean that the desires he has are necessarily wrong, just that he thinks they are. (Eg he might want her to spank him, or he might be turned on by feet: I mention that as she says he reacts oddly to her feet...)
Or he might be conflicted about his sexual orientation. There was a poster on here who had a long history of issues with her DH which were basically that he was gay and wouldn't/couldn't accept this in himself and was blaming her for it.

You do have to talk about this as it can't be making either of you happy. It's not impossible to come to an agreement that while you will live as a family and treat each other with care, respect and kindness, both of you will get your sexual needs met elsewhere with mutually agreed rules (such as, never at home, never with mutual friends or whatever).

MATING IN CAPTIVITY...i didnt realise the author was so young/beautiful...but dont be put off..it really opened my eyes to the myriad of dynamics in a sexual relationship

and breathe